Raising Kids Who Know Who They Are in Christ | Christian Parenting

Our kids are growing up in a world that's loud about identity. Peers, social media, coaches, teachers, and even well-meaning adults constantly tell them who they are or who they should be. In this episode, we'll talk about how to raise kids who know who God says they are. I'll share what I've seen in counseling, what scripture actually gives our children to stand on, And practical ways to help them notice a thought, test it, and replace it with truth. You'll leave with a clearer picture of your role as a parent and a simple challenge you can start this week. Hey friend, welcome to Forward Path with Melissa: Life and Marriage God's Way. I'm Melissa, small-town Iowa girl, wife to my best friend since 2007, mom of 2, mental health therapist since 2009, and founder of Forward Path. I'm forever grateful that God took a shy, insecure kid and showed her who she really is in Him, giving her just enough humble confidence to stand for what's true, because that changed everything. Forward Path and this podcast is the stirring God wouldn't let go of in my heart, because the world can feel heavy and dark, but we're called to be different, to shine His light Especially in our marriages and homes. So every week we're gonna open scripture, pull from real-life counseling experience, coaching knowledge, and talk honestly about the messy and the beautiful— how to disagree well, love deeply, heal, parent with purpose, and keep walking forward with Jesus. Because your growth isn't just about you. It's about glorifying the one who designed it all. So grab your coffee. Let's walk forward together. This is episode 40, Raising Kids Who Know Who They Are in Christ. This topic sits close to home for me because as a mom and as someone who has worked with kids, teens, and parents since 2003, very few kids wake up already sure of who they are. Most of them collect messages All day about, are they good enough, capable enough, liked enough, or even just good enough as a person? And those messages come from us, siblings, extended family, peers, teachers, coaches, and from strangers and social media. If we don't help them hear God's voice the loudest, someone else's voice will be. And I've sat with lots of parents who love Jesus, and love their kids and still feel unsure of how to do this part. They take them to church, they pray at meals, they want them to turn out godly, but identity is more than good behavior and church attendance. Identity is the answer to the question our kids already ask, even when they don't use the words, who am I? Or, am I okay? And the world is eager to answer that for them. But God already has. I think of a teen I worked with who could tell me exactly what she was good at, what she was bad at, who liked her, and who didn't. She had a whole resume of labels. What she couldn't tell me was who she was apart from those labels. When a grade dropped, she would think, I'm stupid. When a friend group shifted, the thought was, no one wants me. Her feelings followed those thoughts, and then her behavior followed the feelings. Her parents were loving, involved, and Christian parents. They had taught her to be kind and work hard. They kept trying to reassure her, but what they hadn't realized is that she had already quietly built her identity on performance. and belonging. What she needed wasn't more comfort in the moment; she needed help looking at the sentences in her head and testing whether they were true. And let's be honest, that's not a rare example. In fact, I think that could be the example of most of the women listening to this podcast. And I see it already in elementary kids who think their worth is their report card. I see it in athletes whose mood depends on playing time. I see it in kids who are sweet at church and harsh with themselves at home. The outside can look fine while the inside is already deciding, I'm only okay if... As a therapist, I primarily use CBT, and that means I start with the thought. Now, feelings matter. They give us good information, but they're not supposed to be the final authority. Romans 12:2 says we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. If we want kids who know who they are in Jesus, we have to help them do that work— not just behave better or feel better, but think more truthfully. So let's start with what God actually says. Psalm 139:14 says, I praise You because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. That's not a compliment about personality. That's a statement about design. Your child is not an accident, a project, or a reflection of your parenting success. They are a work of God. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old is gone; the new is here. For a child or teen who belongs to Jesus, identity is not something they have to invent. It's something they grow into. The world says, look inside and decide who you are. Scripture says, look to Jesus and remember who you already are. Ephesians 2:10 says we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works He prepared in advance. That means your child's purpose is not a mystery that they have to hustle to discover. God already has a path. Our job is to help them walk in humble confidence, not pressure them into a version that success looks impressive. In Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells parents to keep God's commands on their own hearts and then talk about them when they sit at home When they walk along the road, when they lie down, and when they get up. Identity in Christ is not a one-time conversation at bed. It's a way of speaking and living that our kids hear over and over until it becomes how they see themselves. And notice the order in that passage. It starts with your heart, or translations actually mind and understanding. Then it moves to the ordinary moments of the day. That is the pattern. But here's what I want you to hear first: you can't force your child into a relationship with Jesus. We can't drag a person to be where we want them to be, especially a teenager. What we can do is create a home where God's truth about them is spoken more consistently than the world's noise. And that starts with us. If you are still trying to find yourself, or if your worth still rises and falls with performance, Your kids will feel that. They learn identity as much from watching us as they do from what we say. One of the best gifts that we can give our child as a parent rooted in Christ is not to be a perfect parent, but a rooted one. You can't separate parenting from the state of your own heart or from the atmosphere in your home. Kids can smell the difference between a parent who is performing Christianity And a parent who is actually resting in it. In my work with parents of teens, I talk about helping them stay in the light. The sad reality is that our kids will likely move between truth and doubt throughout their lives. They're human. That happens. The goal is that they don't fall as far or stay as long because they know where to come back to. Stay in the light. Be prepared. Know the truth of God's Word. Be thankful. Replace the negative real. It's believing who they are in Christ, not who the last comment, grade, or mood said they were. So what does it look like practically to raise kids who know who they are in Jesus? So one, speak God's truth over them. On purpose. Specific is better than generic. So, I'm proud of you, is kind, but, God gave you such a thoughtful heart, that helps them connect character to the One who designed them. A lot of us praise outcomes. We praise the A, the goal, the solo, the polite behavior in public. And those things can be worth noticing, But if the only time a child hears they are valuable is when they produce something, they will learn to hustle for love. Speak identity when they're ordinary. Speak it when they're disappointed. Speak it when they have nothing to show for the day except that they're still yours and his. 2, get the thought out loud, then check the evidence. When your child is upset, the feeling is information. The thought is the target. Ask, what did you just say about yourself in your head? If it's the, I'm the worst on the team, or, she doesn't like me anymore, I'll never get this, then ask the question that I use all the time in counseling: where's the evidence? Is it true that they are the worst on the team? Or is it true that they just had a bad game? Is it true that no one likes them? Or is it true that one friend was short today? Kids often use all-or-nothing thinking. One event becomes the verdict on the whole person. Helping them separate the event from the identity claim is one of the most useful skills you can teach them. Then put God's truth next to that thought. Specifically, if I'm a failure, the truth is I failed this assignment. I still have worth. I'm still God's creation. If the thought is no one wants me, the truth is one person hurt me. God has not rejected me. My parents love me. Now, I will not teach a child to say something false just to feel better. If they were unkind, Name it. Behavior can be wrong, and identity in Christ can still be secure. Both can be true at the same time. 3, help them notice which situations flare up insecurity. Maybe it's a hard practice, a group chat, a certain friend, social media at night, getting ready for school, walking into the cafeteria, comparing their body to someone on a screen. When you help them name the situation, you help them get prepared instead of being blindsided. And this is not overanalyzing every feeling. This is wisdom. If your child always comes home from a particular activity feeling smaller, that's information. If Sunday night dread is tied to comparison at school, that's information. You can say, I notice you get really hard on yourself after you look at your phone. What thought starts running? And then you don't have to lecture. Curiosity opens the door. Then you can bring truth into that specific place instead of talking about identity in the abstract. 4, put scripture in their actual life, not just on a wall. Read it, talk about it. Help them memorize a few verses they can reach for when the negative reel starts. God's Word is how they stay in the light when feelings get loud. And this doesn't have to be a 45-minute family devotion that everyone ends up resenting. It can be a verse at breakfast, or maybe a verse on the bathroom mirror, a short conversation in the car. This is what God says about you. How does that compare with what you're telling yourself today? If the only spiritual input they get is a sermon they half listened to on Sunday. The world has 6 days to preach a different gospel. Little and often beats impressive and rare. 5, replace the negative phrases they already believe. A lot of kids have a quiet reel playing: I'm not enough, I'm too much, no one wants to deal with me, I'll never be like her, he always does it better. Those statements can become their identity if they aren't replaced. Help them tell the truth back and anchor that truth in what God says, not just in a little pep talk. There's a difference between, you're great, don't worry about it, and, that thought feels true right now, and I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, but let's look at what God says. One soothes for a minute, the other gives them something to stand on. This is the same work that we do as adults. We've talked about it on this podcast before. Feelings are real, but they're not the foundation. Your kids need that skill earlier than we think. And then number 6, model humble confidence. Humble confidence is being at ease with who you are, Because you know who you are in Christ. You don't have to flaunt. You also don't have to hide. Your kids need to see a parent who can admit a fault, celebrate a strength, and not make either one their whole identity. If you only ever talk about your weaknesses, they learn shame. And if you only ever present a polished version of yourself, they may learn that home's not a safe place to be unfinished. Let them see you apologize and see you pray when you don't have the answer. Let them see you catch your own thought out loud. Something like, I just told myself I was failing because the house isn't done. It's not true. I'm tired, and the house being messy doesn't mean I'm failing. I'm still loved by God. They're watching how you talk about your body, your work, your marriage, and other people. Those are models of how to view themselves, whether you meant it to be or not. 7. Don't let achievements, appearance, or even struggle become who they are. Praise effort and character more than trophies. Be careful that a diagnosis, a hard season, or a talent doesn't become the headline of their life. Those things may be a part of their story. They are not The name God gave them. This one can be really tender because some of our kids are walking through anxiety or learning difficulties, injury, or grief, and we should name those things honestly. We should help them get help when they need it. What we shouldn't do is let the struggle become the whole identity. I am anxious can describe a struggle. I am an anxious person, and that is who I am. is an identity claim. Help them keep the categories straight. And the same is true on the other side. A gifted athlete, a smart student, a naturally helpful oldest child— those strengths are a gift, but they also aren't their foundation. Because when the season ends or the gift feels average next to somebody else, they still need to know that they are secure Let me give a quick word about how to do this with different ages, because this isn't just a teen conversation. With younger kids, identity sounds like simple, repeated truths. God made you. God loves you. You can talk to him. Treat people with kindness because God made them too. You correct behavior without attacking who they are. That was unkind. Is different from, you are a bad kid. They need the first. The second teaches them a false name. Keep the language concrete. That was a mean choice. You are not a mean person. Let's practice a different choice. They need repetition more than explanation. With older kids and teens, it sounds more like honest conversation. They're already comparing. They are already asking bigger questions. They need you willing to talk about what the world is saying and why God's design is best. Please don't shut down a hard conversation because the topic is maybe uncomfortable for you. You don't need a perfect script. They do need you to keep showing up. Ask what they think. Ask what their friends are saying. Ask what they think God thinks. Then listen longer than feels comfortable. Teens will often test whether you can handle the real question before they give you the real question. And if your child is not walking with Jesus yet, you're not powerless. You still speak truth, live it, and pray. You still teach them to test a thought. You don't pretend they have a faith they don't have. And you don't treat them as a project. You keep being the clearest picture of God's love and a renewed mind they see up close. If you feel like you're starting late, maybe your kids are already teens and this hasn't been the language of your home, it's not too late. One honest conversation is better than 10 years of regret. You can say, I don't think I've done a good job helping you know who God says you are. I focused more on your behavior than on how you think about yourself. I wanna start. That kind of humility is often what opens a teenager's heart. Then pick one recurring thought and work that thought for a week. Late and specific beats early and vague. There are a few pitfalls I want to name so we don't accidentally work against ourselves. One is using God as a behavior management tool. Saying something like, Jesus wouldn't like that, said only when you're angry, teaches them that God is mainly disappointed. Identity in Christ includes conviction, but it starts with belonging. Another is outsourcing the entire job to church, youth group, or a Christian school. Those are certainly gifts, But they can't replace what is said and shown at home. An hour on Sunday cannot compete with the thoughts they rehearse all week. Another is comparison between your kids. Why can't you be more like your brother? May get a short-term result. It costs long-term identity. God didn't make copies. Another is waiting until there's a crisis. Identity work is much easier as a steady drip than as an emergency response after a blowup. a heartbreak, or an online spiral. And another is stopping at comfort. Reassurance without examining the thought may calm the moment and leave the false sentence untouched. Comfort can be part of love, but it's not the whole job. So this week, I want to challenge you to do 2 things. First, ask yourself, how would I describe my identity in Christ? Then take it one step further. Identify one thought you still believe about yourself that's not aligned with what God says. Write it down. Check the evidence. Replace it with scripture. Your kids borrow from whatever is overflowing in you. They will not learn a process you refuse to use. And then second, speak one true thing about your child's identity in Christ over them every day this week, out loud, specific if you can. And when you hear them say something false about themselves, slow it down. Say, that's a thought. Let's look at it. And then walk the steps: thought, evidence, God's truth, a more accurate sentence, and one action step. If you have more than one child, please don't give them the same sentence like it's a slogan. Look at the child in front of you. What lie are they most likely to believe? And then speak to that. You don't have to cover every topic this week. You just have to plant one more seed of truth in a world that's already planting plenty of other things. So let me pray for you. Father, thank you for the children you've entrusted us to parent. The world is loud, and identity feels complicated, but You've not left us without truth. Help every parent here start with their own heart and mind to know who they are in You so they can help their children know the same. Give them words that build up. Give them wisdom to hear the sentences their children are believing. Give them patience for the long work of repeating truth. Protect our kids from the lies that say they're not enough, too much, or only as valuable as what they produce. Root them in You. Renew their minds. Help them stay in the light when doubt comes. Soften the homes where this conversation feels late or awkward, and let our families be places where they learn to recognize Your voice first. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. Amen. That's all for today, friend. Thank you for walking this stretch of the path with me. If today's episode encouraged you, would you do 2 quick things? Hit subscribe or follow so you never miss an episode and share it with one friend who might need this. And if you wanna go deeper this week, subscribe to my Forward Path Weekly. Each Monday, I'll help you turn what you hear into real-life growth. The big takeaway, reflection questions, key scripture, simple action steps, and a short prayer or encouragement. It's your weekly bridge from podcast inspiration to transformation. You can find it at melissagendreau.com/path-weekly. And if you want a simple place to start at home, I have a free resource called 7 Prayers for Parenting Teens. It's 7 scripture-based prayers to help you cover your child in God's grace. and truth, especially in the hard seasons. You can grab it at melissagendreau.com/free-resources. And if you want the full teaching we only touched on today— identity in Christ, emotions, friendships, peer pressure, social media, and so much more— my Parenting of Teens course is available. You'll get lifetime access to 20 lessons, a downloadable workbook, and worksheets for both you and your teen. You can find it at melissagendreau.com/parentingofteens. Until next Monday, keep shining, keep growing, and keep moving forward God's way. See you soon. God bless. Bye.