Love Your Neighbor as Yourself | Understanding Biblical Empathy God's Way Ep 27

In today's episode, we unpack one of Jesus's most important commands: love your neighbor as yourself. We'll begin with the second half of that command— what biblical love really looks like and how it produces humble confidence. Then we'll clarify the often confused differences between pity, sympathy, empathy, and projection. And we'll see how Jesus modeled true biblical empathy with the woman at the well. Finally, we'll walk through practical and wise tools you can use in any relationship, especially your marriage, to grow in maturity and shine God's light. Hey friend, welcome to Forward Path with Melissa: Life and Marriage God's Way. I'm Melissa, small-town Iowa girl, wife to my best friend since 2007, mom of 2, mental health therapist since 2009, and founder of Forward Path. I'm forever grateful that God took a shy, insecure kid and showed her who she really is in Him, giving her just enough humble confidence to stand for what's true, because that changed everything. Forward Path and this podcast is the stirring God wouldn't let go of in my heart, because the world can feel heavy and dark, and we're called to be different, to shine His light, especially in our marriages and home. So every week we're gonna open scripture, pull from real-life counseling experience, coaching knowledge, and talk honestly about the messy and the beautiful— how to disagree well, love deeply, heal, parent with purpose, and keep walking forward with Jesus. Because your growth isn't just about you; it's about glorifying the One who designed it all. So grab your coffee and let's walk forward together. This is episode 27, Love Your Neighbor as Yourself: Understanding Empathy God's Way. Today we're diving into one of the most quoted commands in scripture: love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus describes this as the second most important commandment in Matthew 22:39. This verse is pulled directly from Leviticus 19:18. On the surface, it sounds really simple. It's just 5 little words, but there's so much depth and power here that can transform how we show up in marriages, our parenting, our friendships, and even with people we barely know. So I want to spend the first part of our time together on the second half of that command: as yourself. Because until we understand what it really means to love ourselves God's way, This verse often gets skimmed over or even distorted. In my course, Be a Light for Others, I have an entire lesson on this because it's foundational. Biblical love is not the self-esteem movement of our culture. It's not arrogance, pride, or selfish focus, but it's also not self-hatred disguised as humility. Instead, it's a clear-eyed, Grateful acceptance of who God says we are, because we are called to love ourselves because we are His creation. Ephesians 5:29-30 tells us, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. And Psalm 139:13-14 says, for You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. You believe this when you look at a sunset or the intricacies of a flower or the beauty of your sleeping child. But do you believe it about yourself? You are one of God's wonderful works too. Let that sink in. This is where the concept of humble confidence comes from. Humble means not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive, reflecting a spirit of deference or submission. Confidence is self-assurance that comes from appreciating the abilities and qualities God has given you, or simply the state of feeling certain about the truth of something. So the truth is, God loves you. You are important to Him, and He made you uniquely. He gave you your passions and abilities and gifts to be used for His glory. So when you have humble confidence, you exude joy from the inside and love God, yourself, and the people around you. You understand the depths of God's love and the grace He continually pours out for all of us. Joy from within comes from embracing that love and living life in awe and wonder. A person with humble confidence also presents with a consistently positive attitude because they know that God is in control and that He has a path for us. Now, that doesn't mean that they don't have bad days. It doesn't mean that there aren't hard times, but more often than not, the humble, confident person is able to see the silver lining. They're able to see those positive things around them. You can look at the world through a macro lens rather than struggle with the day-to-day micro struggles. Jesus modeled humble confidence Perfectly. In John 13, he told his disciples, you call me Teacher and Lord, and you're right, for I am. He fully owned who he was with complete self-assurance. And then immediately he got down on his knees and washed their feet. That is humble confidence— knowing who you are in God's eyes so completely That you don't need accolades or to show off. You're free to serve others and shine His light. When we live from this place, we stop performing, hiding, or tearing ourselves down. We become secure enough to truly love our neighbor. Yet so many of us don't love ourselves in this way. In my counseling office, I hear it Constantly. Melissa, I don't even like myself, much less love myself. And this usually comes from past wounds, maybe harsh criticism from a parent, rejection in a relationship, or painful experiences in church or school. It can also stem from lies we've believed, conditional love where affection felt tied to performance, constant comparison with others. Or years of negative self-talk that slowly became our default inner voice. And over time, these experiences quietly build an internal script that plays on repeat in our minds: I'm not enough. I'm too much. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too needy. I'm broken beyond repair and will never measure up. Many of us don't even realize how loudly the script is running in the background of our daily lives, shaping how we see ourselves and how we show up with the people we love most. I remember sitting with a client who said, Melissa, I know I'm supposed to love my neighbor, but I don't even like myself most days. She had spent years believing the lie that she was too much and not enough all at the same time, and it's amazing how we can do both of those, right? And as we worked through scripture, And renewing her mind with therapy skills, with scripture— Psalm 139 was helpful for her, Ephesians 1— she began to carry humble confidence. And no, it wasn't right away. And no, it wasn't always this linear, consistent line. Sometimes there were U-turns, sometimes there were dead ends. But the change in how she viewed herself and presented was Really beautiful to watch. In turn, she stopped reacting defensively with her husband and started showing up with more grace. This gap shows up powerfully in marriage because when you don't have humble confidence in your identity in Christ, you become reactive. You are hearing that internal monologue. You're hearing those internal reels. And so then everything that your spouse is saying, you take it personally because you're still trying to prove your worth. Small moments turn into battles for validation. You might criticize or withdraw to protect your fragile sense of self. Instead of empathy, you bring defensiveness, and the result is distance and resentment. As parents, we project our insecurities onto our kids if we're not careful. We expect them to make us feel like a good mom instead of simply parenting them with consistency and grace. Or we assume that the insecurities we have are also the insecurities that they have, and we can speak about that without gentleness or without tact. With friends or even strangers, low self-love can breed comparison, bitterness, jealousy, or emotional unavailability. Our insight gets skewed. We struggle to celebrate others because it highlights what maybe we feel we lack. Friend, this is exactly why Jesus connected the 2 commands. You can't love your neighbor well if the bar for loving yourself is set at zero. Low self-love drags. Everything down, and it doesn't glorify God. So practical ways to grow in biblical self-love and humble confidence. This is heart work. This is hard work. This is intentional work. This work takes time. It's not about surface-level tools. It's not fluffy affirmations. It's first renewing your mind with truth, daily meditating on verses like Psalm 139, And Ephesians 1 that declare who you are in Christ. That is a daily practice. It is something that as you say it over and over again, even if you don't believe it for yourself, it helps if you believe who Jesus is. Those verses are describing His character. Do you believe those things to be true? Saying them over and over again then starts to help them Believe about yourself. And then practice positive self-talk. Notice the negative reel playing in your head. Challenge it. Replace lies with God's truth. Review your positive attributes and give Him glory for your gifts and talents. I recently was reading a book by John Maxwell, and it was talking about needing to know your own value. And one of the homework assignments at the end of the chapter was to write down 100 positive characteristics about yourself. That's an important exercise to do. I challenge you to see how many you can come up with. And if that's hard, then I ask you to pray so that God can show you all of the beautiful gifts and talents and characteristics that He put in you that maybe you don't see. Because we need to also extend Grace to yourself. When you mess up, confess, receive forgiveness, and then move forward. We don't have to stay stuck. It's important to learn from those things, but we don't have to keep looking backwards at it. And then it's taking every thought captive. 2 Corinthians 10:5, ask, is this rooted in scripture? And if not, reject the lie. That sounds simple, not easy, but it is pretty straightforward. As you grow here, you'll naturally overflow with the ability to love others. Again, this is the entire focus of my Be a Light for Others course, and I'll link it in the show notes so you can get more information if you'd like. Now let's turn to the first part: love your neighbor. According to the Good Samaritan, our neighbor is anyone whose path crosses ours. To love them well, we need to understand the difference between a few important ideas that people often confuse, and in society now is getting even more confusing. This is where many well-meaning Christians can get stuck and where society has unfortunately changed language. So first, let's look at what is pity. Pity looks down on someone. It says, poor you, from a place of superiority or distance. Pity creates a hierarchy. It's, I'm above you in this moment. In marriage, this might sound like, I feel so bad for you that you can't see this the way I do, or offering help while secretly thinking, if only they were stronger, smarter, more spiritual like me. Because it's remembering pity doesn't have to be this outward projection. Pity is how are you viewing them internally as well? Pity presents as maybe helpful on the surface, but it actually pushes your spouse or anyone you're interacting with further away because it communicates you are less than. Sympathy feels sorry for someone. It acknowledges pain. I'm so sorry you are going through that, but it usually stays surface level and maybe removed. Sympathy offers a kind word or a quick prayer, And then moves on. It's better than nothing, but it doesn't require us to enter into their experience. Now, again, that's not a bad thing, and sometimes that's exactly where we should stay, depending on what the relationship is with that person. Think about when you go to maybe a funeral, and maybe you know them, but not well. Sympathy is and can be perfect in this situation. But in marriage, sympathy can show up as, that sounds tough, honey, followed by immediately changing the subject or offering to fix it without really listening. It comforts for a moment, but it rarely builds a deeper connection. Empathy is different, but it's gotten really complicated. So when I learned about empathy in grad school and through years of counseling and Grad school was a long time ago. Empathy meant understanding why and how a person got where they were. So it's seeing the cause and effect story behind the words, actions, or choices. It's about stepping back and asking what experiences, wounds, beliefs, or circumstances shaped them to think, feel, or act this way. It's viewing their information through a clear framework. It's without judgment, but it's also not having to agree with their behavior. Now, in recent years, our culture has shifted empathy to be mostly about emotions. They will describe it as feeling what the other person feels, sometimes to the point of taking on their emotional distress or excusing sin and calling it love. But biblical empathy is not emotional absorption. It's not agreement. It's not making excuses. It is compassionate understanding that leads us toward truth and helping the other person live a better life, exactly as we're called to do as believers in Christ. Now, projection is something that can get tied to the current view of empathy. It's the trap many people fall into when they struggle with self-love, emotional immaturity, or selfishness. Projection happens when we assume others think or feel exactly the way we do, or when we dump our own unhealed pain onto them. Projection actually gets in the way of biblical empathy. In marriage, this is incredibly common. Your spouse shares a frustration and you immediately respond with, well, that's exactly how I felt when you did X last week. Or you react strongly because their words triggered an old wound from your past. Instead of truly hearing them, you are filtering your experience through your unresolved story. Friend, these distinctions matter. Deeply. Pity pushes people away, and sympathy keeps relationships shallow. Projection keeps them tangled in our own unresolved pain. But biblical empathy, fueled by healthy self-love, builds the kind of mature, Christ-honoring connection that glorifies God in our marriages and beyond. Let's look at Jesus with the woman at the well in John 4. This is one of the most beautiful pictures of biblical empathy in scripture. Jesus sat down at the well in Samaria at noon. Since that was the hottest part of the day, most women drew water in the morning or evening. The fact that the woman was drawing water at that time suggests she was an outcast or Avoiding interaction with the other women. Now also, Jews and Samaritans, uh, they didn't interact with each other. He knew her entire story. She had been married 5 times and was currently living with a man who wasn't her husband. Jesus didn't ignore her past or pretend it didn't exist. But here's the key: He didn't condemn her. He didn't lecture her. He didn't get emotionally entangled in her situation. Instead, He demonstrated true empathy. He understood the why behind her choices. He saw the cause and effect because of her choices, and then He offered her another way. Jesus operated from complete humble confidence. He knew exactly who He was as the Messiah. The living water, as He described Himself. And He was free to engage her fully. He listened. He spoke the truth with compassion. And then He offered her the only thing that could truly satisfy— Himself. The result? She left her water jar behind, ran back to town, and told everyone, Come, see a man who told me everything I did! Could this be the Messiah? Her encounter was empathetic, truth-filled love that changed her life and impacted an entire community. This is the kind of empathy we're called to practice. It's understanding the story behind the behavior without judgment, but without agreement, and without taking on their distress as our own, yet humbly and courageously sharing the truth so that they can also know The only thing that can satisfy them: Jesus Christ. Here are deeper ways to grow in this kind of biblical empathy. First, pause and get curious. With anyone in your life— a friend, family member, coworker, or even a stranger— routinely ask yourself what might have led them to feel or act this way. What's the story behind this moment that I might not be seeing? This builds self-awareness and interrupts reactivity. In marriage, this might look like pausing when your spouse seems short-tempered or withdrawn and wondering what pressures, exhaustion, or past experiences might be behind it. It's focusing on them and their life, not you. And then own your part. Before responding or offering advice, examine your own thoughts and emotions. Ask, what old wound or unmet expectation in me is coloring how I'm hearing or seeing them right now? This is one of the most powerful acts of humility and maturity. In marriage, owning your own part prevents projection and helps you approach your spouse with a clearer vision and grace. And then pray for God's perspective. Ask Him to help you see the cause and effect story Through His eyes, with compassion, truth, and understanding. This invites the Holy Spirit into the process and shifts your heart. In marriage, praying this way can transform how you respond in moments of conflict or disconnection. And again, these aren't quick tips. They are lifelong practices of growing in maturity and becoming more like the version God created you to be. That's a beautiful growth process and one I hope brings you excitement. Because to bring it all together, when we receive God's love and walk in humble confidence, we become free to love our neighbor well through true biblical empathy— understanding their story without judgment, without projection, and without emotional takeover. This is how we shine His light in our marriages, And in the world. So this week, pick one relationship— maybe your marriage, your kids, or your actual neighbor— and practice one intentional act of empathy every day. It might be pausing to understand the why behind something someone says or does. It's truly listening without jumping to your own story, or praying for God's perspective. Journal what you notice about yourself in the process, because real growth happens in these small, consistent steps of obedience. Let me pray for you. Father, thank You for creating us fearfully and wonderfully. Help us receive Your love so deeply that it overflows to those around us. Grow humble confidence in our hearts. Teach us true empathy. To understand the why behind people's stories without judgment, without agreement, and without taking on their distress. Give us wisdom to respond with Your truth and grace. Heal the places where our shame or lies have taken root. Make our marriages and lives reflections of Your devoted love. In Jesus' name, amen. That's all for today, friend. Thank you for walking this stretch of the path with me. If today's episode encouraged you, here's how you can keep growing with me. Would you first do 2 quick things? Hit subscribe or follow so you never miss an episode and share it with one friend who needs this message. And if you want to go deeper this week, subscribe to my free weekly email for a quick breakdown of this episode, key scriptures, and then the simple action steps we talked about so you can take it in your marriage and faith to develop humble confidence. It's like having your personal coach in your inbox. Go to melissagendreau.com/path-weekly. Until next Monday, keep shining, keep growing, and keep moving forward God's way. See you soon, and God bless.