Words Have Power: Choose Them Wisely

Today we're exploring the incredible power of our words. God spoke creation into existence in Genesis, and Proverbs 18:21 warns that the tongue holds the power of life and death. In our marriages and homes, words can build up or tear down, heal or wound. We'll look at how cultural trends and social media have watered down language, why sarcasm and exaggeration erode trust, And how your brain's reticular activating system filters reality based on the words you speak about yourself, your spouse, and your circumstances. Most importantly, we'll share practical ways to choose congruent, grace-filled, life-giving words that honor God and strengthen your relationships. If you've ever wanted your words to carry more healing and less hurt, This one's for you. Hey friend, welcome to Forward Path with Melissa: Life and Marriage God's Way. I'm Melissa, small-town Iowa girl, wife to my best friend since 2007, mom of 2, mental health therapist since 2009, and founder of Forward Path. I'm forever grateful that God took a shy, insecure kid and showed her who she really is in Him. Giving her just enough humble confidence to stand for what's true, because that changed everything. Forward Path, in this podcast, is the stirring God wouldn't let go of in my heart. Because the world can feel heavy and dark, but we're called to be different— to shine His Light, especially in our homes and marriages. So every week we're going to open scripture, Pull from real-life counseling experience, coaching knowledge, and talk honestly about the messy and the beautiful— how to disagree well, love deeply, heal, parent with purpose, and keep walking forward with Jesus. Because your growth isn't just about you, it's about glorifying the one who designed it all. So grab your coffee, let's walk forward together. This is episode six. Words have power. Choose them wisely. Let's start at the very beginning. In Genesis one, we read over and over, and God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God said, "Let there be an expanse." God said, "Let the land produce vegetation." He didn't just snap his fingers or clap his hands. He spoke. The most powerful Being in existence created everything we see, touch, and know with nothing but His words. If the One who made us used words to bring life into being, and we are made in His image, it's important to understand that our words carry positive or destructive power in the lives around us. Proverbs 18:21 puts it plainly: The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Our words can build up or tear down. They can breathe hope or spread despair. They can heal wounds or open new ones. And nowhere is this more true than in our marriages and homes, the places where our words land day after day on the people we love most. I've sat across from countless couples in my counseling office who trace their deepest hurts back to words. Not fists, not infidelity, though those happen, but words. A sarcastic comment that stuck, a dismissive whatever, an exaggerated you always or you never is thrown in the heat of the argument. Words that started as careless become weapons. On the flip side, I've watched marriages transform when spouses start choosing words with intention and are disciplined about it. When I'm proud of you replaces silence, when I see how hard you're trying replaces criticism, when I'm sorry I was wrong becomes the regular phrase instead of a rare one. This is why I have a hard line in the sand that my married couples have to commit to not cursing at each other. That's the bare minimum. I've also sat across from adults who've built their core beliefs and identities around the harsh and thoughtless words they heard from the adults in their lives when they were little. Things that they came to believe about themselves only because the people they trusted said so. You're lazy. You're good for nothing. You're stupid. You're too sensitive. For those clients, we work to tear down the lies and replace the beliefs with truth, to rebuild their self-worth and identity. Often it's asking them, what would you have liked to hear them say to you instead? Healing the wounds with a new set of words. So today, let's talk about how to steward the power of those words well. First, let's acknowledge something: the meaning and weight of words have shifted in our culture. Certain words get hijacked or watered down by trends. Think about love. We say we love our spouse, but we also love tacos and that new song on the radio and our fuzzy socks. And love has also inaccurately come to mean acceptance of all things. Or awesome used to mean awe-inspiring. That's why we describe God as awesome. Now it describes everything from coffee to a new pair of shoes. And it even gets used to describe our disgust. Awesome. Trauma gets thrown around casually when it once described deep, life-altering wounds. This has also happened with empathy, validation, toxic, narcissist, and gaslighting. When words lose their precision, they lose their power. We start speaking in exaggeration or cliché, and the real meaning gets buried. We stop understanding one another when we're operating under different definitions. While there have always been slang and trends in our language, I do think one reason for the exaggerated language is the use of text and social media. For one, it's hard to convey tone and emotion in short written form, so the tendency is to exaggerate to get our point across. In addition, we tend to want audience and accolades and support. So again, exaggeration. For example, if someone asked how your day went and the truthful answer was, maybe it was challenging, but that gets turned into, it was awful, terrible, worst day ever. As believers, we're called to something different. Colossians 4:6 says, Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Grace-filled, flavorful, careful words. One of the most fascinating things that I've learned as a therapist is how our brains respond to the words we hear, and especially the words we say. There's a part of our brain called The reticular activating system, or RAS. I've explained this in a previous episode, but I'll go over it again because it's so amazing and important to understand. Think of it as your brain's command center or gatekeeper. It filters the millions of pieces of information coming at you every second, deciding what gets your attention and what it can automate or follow the command you've already created for it. So here's where it gets even more impressive though. Your RAS pays special attention to the words you speak about yourself, about others, and about your circumstances. When you repeatedly say, I'm always stressed, I'm so stupid, my marriage is hard, I'm not good at this, or about your spouse, he never listens, she's so critical, your RAS starts scanning the world for evidence to prove those statements true. It's like programming a search engine to return only results that match your keywords. It becomes your echo chamber. But the good news, the opposite is also true. When you choose words like, I'm growing, God is working in my marriage, I'm becoming more patient, my spouse has a good heart, your RAS starts highlighting evidence of those truths. It doesn't ignore the hard thing. But it stops magnifying them and starts noticing the good. I had a client once who acknowledged she called herself names she would never dream of calling other people. She was her own worst critic, like many people are. But to make it worse, the statements weren't even factually true. She'd say, I'm so stupid, if she happened to drop something, or, I'm such a fat cow, if she skipped a workout. We started out by having her call herself the nickname her grandma used to call her. She loved her grandma and described her as positive and caring. My client couldn't imagine connecting the nickname with the harsh, harsh things she called herself. That one shift helped her to be kinder and more gentle to herself. I had another client once who came in feeling completely stuck in her marriage. Every session she'd say, he's just so distant, nothing's ever going to change. After several sessions, I challenged her to replace her thoughts with something that she believed was still factual and something we were working on, but also more positive about the situation. Instead, when she felt that thought rising, she'd replace it with, I will look for things and ways to connect. I'm trusting God's timing. It wasn't magic, but her perception started shifting. She began initiating connection without resentment and noticing small moments of connection from her husband that she'd previously overlooked. Her tone softened, hope crept in, and slowly the atmosphere in their home began to change. Your words shape your reality because they shape what your brain chooses to see. This brings us to the concept of congruence— saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Let's think of the phrase it's fine, which means acceptable or okay, but can turn into it's fine, meaning sadness and wanting reassurance, or it's fine, meaning I'm mad but I don't want to discuss it anymore. Your words say one thing, your tone and body says another. They have to become detectives, reading between the lines and interpreting sighs and silences. These are the kinds of things that make couples describe marriage as hard work, and it can also lead couples to stop communicating because it's too complicated to play the game. Sarcasm is also a lack of congruence— when we say one thing but mean the opposite. often with that sharp edge or exaggerated tone. Our words and our true intent don't match. There's a disconnect between what's said and what's felt, and over time, that disconnect quietly damages trust and emotional safety in a relationship. So here's why sarcasm, even when it's playful or just our sense of humor, can be deeply harmful, especially in marriage and our home. It undermines honest communication. Sarcasm trains both partners to question what's real. If, wow, great job, actually means, wow, great job, or, that was actually a terrible job, or, you're so helpful, really means, you're so helpful, so you're not helpful. Again, your spouse has to become a detective to figure out your true feelings. And over time, they stop taking your words at face value. They brace for the hidden jab. The constant second-guessing erodes openness and makes real vulnerability feel unsafe. 2, it delivers criticism disguised as humor. Most sarcasm carries a critical message. You're wrong. You're annoying. You messed up. But wrapping it in humor gives the speaker an escape hatch. I was just joking. Can't you take a joke? But this leaves the receiver hurt, but without permission to feel hurt. They're left carrying the sting while being told it's their fault for being too sensitive. That discredits their emotions and it chips away at self-worth and connection. It creates emotional distance. When sarcasm becomes a default tone, especially during conflict or stress, it keeps both partners emotionally guarded. Instead of saying, I felt hurt when you forgot that, sarcasm says, oh sure, because you're so reliable. One is an invitation to connect and repair. The other is a wall. Over years, couples who rely heavily on sarcasm often describe feeling like roommates, Polite on the surface, or, well, maybe, but strangers underneath. And then 4, it models unhealthy patterns for kids. In homes where sarcasm is common, children learn that love comes with hidden barbs. They grow up either mimicking the sharp humor and hurting others, or becoming overly sensitive to tone, always wondering if affection is genuine. That's not the legacy we want to pass on. And sarcasm contradicts the Bible. Scripture's clear about our words. Ephesians 4:29: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a sharp word stirs up anger. Sarcasm rarely builds up, even when intended lightly. It often stirs defensiveness or hurt. Now, quick note: not all playful teasing is sarcasm. There's a big difference between affectionate mutual banter, where both people feel loved and safe, and sarcasm that carries contempt or superiority. The key is congruence and kindness. Does your tone match your heart? Does the recipient feel honored, even in jest? If sarcasm has been a habit in your relationship, know this: change is possible. Start small. Pause before speaking and ask, am I saying what I actually mean? Replace sarcastic remarks with direct, genuine truth. I'm feeling frustrated about this, instead of, oh, perfect timing, as always. Invite your spouse into the shift. I'm realizing my sarcasm sometimes hurts more than helps. I want to work on speaking more kindly. Will you help hold me accountable? The same thing happens when we use extreme or exaggerated language— the you always, you nevers, this is the worst. These absolutes rarely reflect reality, even if they feel true at the moment, and they shut down conversation faster than almost anything else. I'll never forget a couple I worked with where the wife would say, You never help around the house. The husband felt defeated before the discussion even started because he did help, and sometimes a lot, but never made him feel defensive, and the actual problem wasn't addressed. When we reframed it to, I feel overwhelmed with the dishes, everything changed because we were able to problem solve. She identified specifically what she wanted help with and why it felt overwhelming. He didn't feel defensive and wanted to solve the issue. At the same time, honest communication doesn't mean unfiltered or lacking tact. You can be truthful and kind at the same time. Ephesians 4:15 calls it speaking the truth in love. Not speaking whatever pops into your head just because I'm just being honest. Also not sugarcoating hard things to avoid conflict. But choosing words that are both true and loving. So here's a practical tool I give clients. Before speaking, especially intense moments, ask yourself 3 quick questions. Is this true? Is this necessary or beneficial? Is this kind? If it doesn't pass all 3, pause and rephrase. This applies not just to your spouse, but to how you speak to friends, about others, the social media response, And maybe most importantly, to yourself. The words you say in your head about yourself matter deeply. Calling yourself stupid, failure, too much, or not enough day after day shapes how you see yourself and how you show up in your relationships. But when you start speaking God's truth over yourself— I am loved, I am forgiven, I am capable of growth— God has a plan for me. Something shifts. You begin to live from a place of security instead of shame. And that security in yourself makes you safer, more loving, a better spouse, parent, friend, and coworker. Let me leave you with this: James 3 compares the tongue to a small rudder that steers a huge ship, or a spark that can set an entire forest on fire. Small thing, massive impact. Your words in your marriage and relationships are either building something beautiful or are slowly burning it down. Choose precise words, truthful words. Speak to your spouse the way you want them to speak to you on your hardest day. Speak to yourself the way your loving Father in Heaven speaks to you, because words have power. And you get to choose how that power is used. That's all for today, friend. Thank you for walking this stretch of the path with me. If today's episode encouraged you even a little, would you do 2 quick things? Hit subscribe or follow in your podcast app or on the YouTube channel so you never miss an episode, and share it with one friend who needs it. That's the easiest way this light keeps spreading. If you want to go deeper, check out my courses, coaching, or join the Forward Path with Melissa community. It's where the real growth happens between episodes. Inside, you'll get weekly live question and answer where we'll discuss that week's podcast episode together, daily prompts for your faith, marriage, and purpose, and then quarterly group coaching workshops going over my coaching programs. A private community of like-minded Christians cheering each other on. So you can head to melissagendreau.com or check the show notes for the link. I can't wait to see you in there. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube at Forward Path with Melissa. Sign up for my email so nothing good gets past you. Until next Monday, keep shining, keep growing, and keep moving forward God's way. See you soon, and God bless. Bye.