Couples who later divorced responded to their partner's bids for connection only 33% of the time, while those who stayed married responded 86% of the time. Researcher Janice Driver's study shows that small moments of turning toward each other predict relationship survival.
Chapters
Let's talk about turning toward each other. Oh, so important. So important.
So that's something that one of my graduate students, Janice Driver, really noticed in the apartment lab. There'd be these small moments when one person would try to get their partner's attention or interest or a conversation or show them something they were reading. And the cameras turned to the other person. We recorded the response and they either responded, you know, or, you know, turned toward, we called it, or they didn't respond at all, turning away, or they responded irritably, turning against. And what Janie discovered was that when you look back at the couples who divorced 6 years earlier, their average percent of turning toward their partners bids for connection was 33%. And the couples who were still married, look 6 years earlier, their average is 86%.
Wow.
Rather than 33%. So these small moments are really important. Plus, she also discovered the secret to having a sense of humor during conflict was having a lot of history of turning toward. Building an emotional bank account. Of connecting, then people had a sense of humor about themselves during conflict.
I think it's a very useful tool to ask yourself, am I turning against them when they're trying to hold my hand or engage in a conversation or tell about their day? Am I turning away from them? So what turning away means, a lot of people misinterpret that. They think it means, oh, you turn your body away. No, it doesn't. At all. It means you completely ignore what they've said.
Oh.
You ignore it. So let's say I'm reading a book and John calls to me from the kitchen, "Julie!" I ignore it. I keep reading the book. He says again, "Honey, do you know where the big fork is?" I ignore him as if he never said anything. That's turning away. Turning against would be, "Would you stop interrupting me? I'm trying to read." That's the hostility, you see, that comes in turning against.
Wow. They're really small moments, but the probability that a person will rebid after their partner's turned away is 22%.
