From Addiction to Purpose: Sathiya Sam’s Journey to Empower Men

Knowing your podcast, I've heard a lot about your background and why you do this.

Right.

And I call that your because. What's that real reason that makes you do what you do?

My real because, Mick, is I like seeing guys go out and change the world. And that's what I'm about. I'm about transforming guys that they can go out and make the world a better place.

15 year recovery from a pornography addiction. So here's a question I have for you. How do you know when you are addicted versus it something that you like or enjoy?

Well, I think there's sort of like the convoluted. So there's things like brain fog, a lack of intimacy, you know, kind of a numbness, lack of productivity. But those are convoluted symptoms because going.

Through your research, like what are some of the things that you've uncovered as it relates to this addiction?

Specifically the two things that come up again and again. The first is the impact this is having on relationships. 56% of divorces cite the partner's porn use as one of the major reasons for the divorce. The other aspect that.

Welcome to MC Unplugged where we ignite.

Potential and fuel purpose. Get ready for raw insights, bold moves and game changing conversations. Buckle up, here's Mick.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another exciting episode of MC Unplugged. And today we are in for a banger. From battling his own struggles to becoming an inspiration for countless men across the world. He is a coach, author, podcaster, speaker, empowering individuals to break free from shame, find purpose, and build unshakable foundation for success. Here to share his story and strategies for resiliency is the bold, the insightful, the transformative. My guy, Mr. Sathiya. Sam Sathiya. How you doing today, brother?

Dude, this has got to be one of the best intros I've ever gotten on a podcast, man. I'm doing great. Thank you so much as a fellow.

Podcaster because, you know, selling you offline. You actually do have a podcast that I enjoy, man. Like, I like making sure you're introduced the right way so that the audience knows like, hey, Cynthia is the man. So I appreciate you being on, brother.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, man. So, you know, one of the things I love about your podcast is you mix in the guest introductions or the guest interviews and then you also do a lot of 10 minute solo, like we're going straight to the point episodes. And you know, knowing your podcast, I've heard a lot about your background and why you do this right And I call that your because. So I'd love for Sophia to kind of tell the world what's your because. What's that real reason that makes you.

Do what you do, Man? You know, there's two different answers, and one is kind of morphing into the other as time has gone on. The short story is I had a struggle with addiction for 15 years, who grew up in a pastor's home, went to Christian school, had everything set up for me to really not fall into addiction. But I did. And not just any addiction, but I was addicted to pornography for over a decade and a half. And I had this prayer during my addiction, especially when I was in recovery, which was, God, if you can help me figure out whatever it is that's going on and how to really get free of this stuff, I'll do everything else in my power to help other guys get free as well. That was a pain prayer. That was like, I'm in pain. This sucks. I know there's other people that are in pain as well. I hope I can get out of this and maybe one day I could help other guys get out of it, too. But a couple years later, you know, I did get free. I had my last relapse February 2016, and I kind of started to pray that same prayer, but now it was a purpose prayer. It was like, man, getting free is so good that I want other guys. I don't just want them out of the pain that an addiction will cause. I want them to experience the purpose, the joy and the freedom that comes from the other side of healing.

And.

And that's my. Because. But I'll add another dimension to this. I just became a father in the last year and a bit. My son's 15 months old. I love fatherhood, and I had a little bit of time off when he was born. And I realized that what we do today is we help other guys quit pornography addiction. We're one of the world's leaders in doing so. But I realized that as much as I love seeing guys quit the addiction, it's not really what gets me up in the morning. My real. Because Microsoft is. I like seeing guys go out and change the world. And I realized that if you change the man, you change the world. And that's what I'm about. I'm about transforming guys so that they can go out and make the world a better place.

That is amazing, brother. And I just wrote down, you know, 15 year recovery from a pornography addiction. Right? So here's a question I have for you. How do you know when you are addicted to versus it's something that you like or enjoy, Right. How do you help men understand that aspect of it?

Well, I think there's sort of like the convoluted symptoms. So there's things like brain fog, a lack of intimacy, you know, kind of a numbness, lack of productivity. But those are convoluted symptoms because it could also be because your diet sucks or you don't sleep well or, you know, it's hard to really know for sure. I think the telltale signs a couple that we've observed very consistently in the 1500 plus people that we worked with directly is the first thing is that they really cannot go any extended period of time without it. Very telltale sign that you're addicted. You know, like it's one of the best things you can say if somebody tells you, I don't think I'm addicted, it's like, okay, go 30 days without it. And usually you can tell like they feel that tightness in their chest just from you, like suggesting it. Right? Always a pretty good indicator. Another indicator is that, you know, the person's viewership habits intensify or the nature of what they watch starts to kind of evolve. And so it went from something maybe relatively vanilla. I don't really know what that word would mean to somebody else, but you know, you get what I mean. But then it, as time goes on, it starts to become more intense. Then the other one would just be that it affects the major commitments in your life. Whether that's a marriage, that's your job, or it's just to, you know, friends and your social commitments. Once you're starting to maybe not show up the same way or you're declining them altogether, these are some of the indicators that, okay, this is, this is a problem and if it doesn't get resolved, it's going to lead to worse problems.

Wow, that's amazing, man. I've never heard that and then have it broken down in that way. So when you are working with someone, what are the first couple of steps that you, you take in the rehabilitation process?

Usually when somebody's come to us, they've done some of the hard work already, which is number one, they've admitted they have a problem and number two, they've admitted they're willing to get help. Those are actually the two hardest things when you have an addiction. Most guys like to just say like, I can do it on my own. We all love the self starter story and the guy who can kind of figure it all Out. Right, Right. Once somebody comes to us, the first pillar of recovery is self awareness. We have this little saying, if you're not aware, it cannot be repaired. And a lot of guys that are struggling, honestly, whether it's with a porn addiction or some sort of other mental illness, there's a lack of awareness kind of at the root of it. They don't have an understanding of their emotional life, the feelings, the beliefs, the perceptions that are driving their behavior. A lot of guys that struggle with something like a porn addiction, they slap an Internet filter. Mick. Right. Because I'm just watching on the device. So if I block my avenue to the device, then surely I won't watch anymore. And that would be true if this was just some logical kind of decision that we make. But the reason that we watch porn is usually because of unmet needs. It's usually because there's something more emotional going on. And a lot of guys don't have access to that part of themselves because they've learned to suppress it. They've learned that it's weakness if you show emotions or if you really get into it. And so self awareness is the first thing that we build. We still really believe in masculinity. It's not super, you know, it's not what people think it is. But building that self awareness is really the first step. And the other big thing, I think, for. For guys, and I've seen the work you do, and I really respect it. And the one thing that I noticed, I was going through your content today, is you're always with people. Like, you're clearly a people person. There's a very strong communal vibe that I get just from every post and all the content you're delivering and everywhere that you go and travel. And a lot of the addiction research suggests the same, that if you really want not just to get free, but to stay free, you gotta have a community. You gotta have people that you're plugged into and plugged in with and a sense of belonging. So we try to foster that within our community as well.

Amazing. Amazing. And so I want to go into discovering the man within. Right. Like a big theme of what you do. Really important, I believe, for men out there, addiction or not, is discovering who you really are. And I know for you, like, that's a big, big, big step of a lot of the things that you teach and a lot of the content that you have out there. So. So walk us through, you know, the mindset of discovering the man within and where that came about for.

For you. Yeah. So the, the whole concept of the man within and the reason the podcast is called the man within podcast is really inspired by Michelangelo's David, statue of David. And, you know, I'm sure you've heard the story, but somebody asked him, like, how on earth did you carve such a masterpiece from this block? And he said, it was simple. I just removed everything that wasn't David. And the idea was the block, it had everything it needed. He just had to kind of strip the things that were obstructing that block from being the statue of David that we know today. And I really believe that, like, when I see my clients, I'm not like, oh, look at these deadbeat, you know, addicts. Like, I don't, I don't have that vision. I see who God's made them to be. I see their fullness of their potential and, you know, recovery. Like, when we talk about getting to the ministry within, we're really just chiseling away the parts that are stopping them from being everything that they were made to be. So the self awareness part is a huge aspect of really starting to understand the man within, quote, unquote. We have two other pillars, and these are pillars that I detail in my book, the Last Relapse. It's all spread out if people do want the entire system. But once you build self awareness, then you heal the heart, you transform the heart. And this is again stripping away just any of the residual impacts of harmful events, the trauma, things that happened in our past that are contributing to our addictive behavior, our bad tendencies. And then the third is shifting your identity, which you were alluding to, Mick. And I really believe this is the key of it. You know, I don't believe once an addict, all always an addict. I don't believe that. You know, I'm Cynthia and I'm a porn addict and I'm just in recovery for the rest of my life. I really do believe it's a finished work. I'm. I am recovered, I am healed, I am a new person. And I think that identity shift is the clinching piece that really allows somebody to walk into their God given destiny and the freedom that they were made to experience. So that whole process comprehensively is how you kind of cultivate the man within, as it were.

Man, that is, that's brilliant. And I want to go deeper, not necessarily how you started or why you started, because that I know. And you, you go through that journey. You discuss that a lot on the podcast, which I love. I want to talk about when you decided that I'm going to help other people. But it's really easy to say, hey, I've been through it, so now I know the answers and I can help you. But you actually studied, right? Like you educated yourself on these things. So walk us through that piece because I feel like a lot of times coaches, right, and Sophia and I are talking to the novice coaches, the newbie coaches. You feel like because you know something, you've got something, I can go teach and help others. But there's that continual learning aspect that I think a lot of people miss and people like me and sothea, not that we were intensely trying to see through it, but if you don't have the credentials to back it up, it's kind of hard. So walk us through that piece for you, Sophia, of I'm going to continue to educate myself on this addiction so that I can help other people who might go through it a different way than I go through.

Yeah, I mean, so I'm like, I'm your classic first gen North American Indian. Good at math, good at sciences, wanted to be a doctor and that academic pursuit. I had my honors degree before I turned 20. I was really, really brainy and I actually got over five figures in research grants at that time for some of the work that I was doing. So research has always been very important to me. And I also lost a couple friends to suicide when I was in high school. And so I always had this very analytical, research oriented brain that was really marked by why do people do the things that they do? That was sort of this question lingering in my brain as a high school student trying to kind of figure things out a bit. So I've just always kept that curious mindset. And I think the research part of it is so important because I look from a marketing standpoint, I will brand myself as, you know, a porn addiction specialist or expert or whatever, but I really don't believe in the word expert. I think it's the most dangerous thing I could ever believe about myself is that I'm actually an expert because there's so much to learn. And the difference between an expert and a non expert is one of them has an open mind. So I never want to be the guy who feels like he has it all figured out. I really try to keep that open perspective. And truthfully, Mick, the way that I serve clients now compared to when I started six years ago is different. Not just because I'm more skilled and I've gotten better, but actually because the entire landscape of porn consumption and technology and sexual Content has been radically changed again in the last few years with OnlyFans and AR and VR and all this kind of stuff. So if I was caught in kind of my old ways and my old methods or I was just really convinced that this is the way to do it and I wasn't willing to learn, it would really hinder my ability to serve people now. And definitely 10 years from now I'd be left in the dust because things just are constantly changing and evolving. So I think it's really, really important. And I think that honestly the leading indicator that somebody does their homework and their research is not just that they have a track record, but that they continually have a track record because anybody can be successful for a window of time. But can you stand the different changes in the markets and people's behavior, consumption and all that kind of stuff? That's when I think you can really say, okay, you're learning, you're evolving and you're able to keep up and specialize in the area.

Absolutely. So going through your research, what are some of the things that you've uncovered as it relates to this addiction specifically?

I think the two things that come up again and again that are, they're not surprising anymore, but they're still shocking. The first is the impact this is having on relationships. And it's interesting because you think, okay, I'm watching something on a device, I'm in the confines of my bedroom, nobody else is around me. We're very like lulled into this idea that it's an individual experience. But all of the downstream effects of viewing porn have a major impact on relationships. 56% of divorces cite the partner's porn use as one of the major reasons for the divorce. Sexual satisfaction goes down. You have a lot of men, young men, who are experiencing erectile dysfunction today because porn has rewired their brain so badly that an in person experience doesn't match up to what they've seen on screen. And so that's obviously creating all kinds of relationship issues. So that comes up again and again and it's being reinforced and there's new avenues. But the bottom line is this is bad for your relationships, especially romantically. And I think the other aspect that, you know, I don't think this is ever going to go away, but I just think it's that the, the porn industry, they know what they're doing. They know that if they can get you exposed at a young age, you're much more likely to be dependent on it later. And so that early exposure thing, it's really. It's the greatest predictor. I mean, we have worked with young and old, rich and poor, people that are divorced three times, people that have never been married. I mean, the whole gamut. There's not a lot that these guys really have in common when you look at a surface level. But when you get deeper into their stories, the one thing that all of our clients have in common is they were first exposed at the age of 12 or younger. And that is true of people that frequent brothels and massage parlors and pay for sex. The one commonality is that early exposure. And so I think that's another thing that the research is continuing to uncover. That's why some states are coming up with age verification laws and trying to put some added measures in. Because if we can delay the first exposure and sort of the onset of porn viewership, I think we could really change things for the better, long term, in adults especially. So those are. Those are the two things that just. They come up again and again, and I don't think they're going anywhere anytime soon.

Man, that's dope. That's really cool. So I want to go to the podcast for a moment. As a fellow podcaster, obviously. When did you decide to take the message and turn it into the media of podcasting?

I had it in my heart for a long time. I mean, I was a pastor for 10 years before I got called into this. So I really like speaking. And when I felt like I wanted to do something a bit more entrepreneurial, I was done with the 9 to 5 thing. Podcasting just felt like a more natural fit for me because I could just. I could talk, you know, and I could teach a little bit. And I really like teaching what I found out as I start to do it more. Because at first it was, you know, I was going to do one episode a week or a couple episodes a week. But then I start to think back to when I was addicted. And, man, every day I woke up needing some inspiration, needing something to keep me on the right path ahead, because it was so easy to get discouraged and distracted and to kind of get off track and off course. So we eventually started to really ramp up our volume of content, because I just figured if there's guys on the other side of the microphone that are struggling the way I was struggling, man, they need it every day. And I can't maybe do it seven days a week, but I'll do it four or five times a week if that's what it takes. Because I want to be the Loudest voice in their ear. I want to remind them they can do it. They got this. It's worth it. And so that was the whole heart behind the podcast. And what's been really cool to see as time has gone on is that's exactly what's happening. We were not the biggest podcast in the world, you know, like, we were a top 1% or whatever. It is about to cost a million downloads. But the thing that I'm really proud of is we have a very lawyer loyal listener base. It's just the same people that listen again and again because they get the value from it, you know, and we've had a couple of little bouts, like when I became a father, and a couple of little things where I wasn't able to post content as frequently as I wanted to. We had people writing in, like, what's wrong with Cynthia? Is everything okay? Like, you know, like, we only got two episodes this week. And that was when I really realized, like, dang, these guys are really, like, they're really reliant on getting that information, getting the encouragement and keeping them going. So I love the podcast. It's not a huge moneymaker for our business. It's been a nice way to build an audience and build a relationship with them. But the value it provides and even just the outlet is for me, from a speaking standpoint, I love it. It's not going away anytime soon.

Amazing, brother. Amazing. One of the things that is always dear to me and it's a message that you have something that you help with because it's why I do what I do, it's, you help men. You have this moniker of helping men become the man that they're supposed to be or that they were meant to be. Right? And so part of the reason that, you know, call it the grind or call it, you know, the purpose, the drive, is because I always want to be the person I was supposed to be that I was destined to be.

Right.

And so I love the fact that that's. Maybe it's not a pillar, but it's a core value of what you do. Talk to us about that. The meaning behind that for Safiya, of helping people become the person, specifically the men that they're supposed to be or that they were meant to be.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's the age old question, right? Like, what's my purpose? What's my calling? Why am I here? I think that when I think about guys becoming the guys they were made to be, I'm dreaming about guys who are role Model husbands, role model fathers. And they're making a legitimate change in the world, you know, using the things that God's given them to do. So. So I kind of say like it's the convergence of passion, skill and kind of that, that deeper spiritual calling, whether you believe in God or not, but that deeper sense of like, this is how I can make a change in the world. And I know for me it's taken me a long time to accept it. I never really thought I be an entrepreneur. I'm not the kid that was selling baseball cards in the grade eight boys bathroom. You know, like I, I never had that vibe about me. I just found that this was the best avenue for me to, to use the skills and the gift that God's given me. And I think if you can do that in a way that makes a difference in the world. And the other key though is while still keeping things intact at home, to me that's like, that's when a man's really on fire. And I know for me, I, I feel like God taught me to build the organization that is my home first before I learn how to build an organization that's got employees and you know, is helping other guys quit porn addiction. And that's what I want for all of my clients. I want them to be able to say, I have a home that is stable, I'm showing up, I'm leading the way, I'm empowering my kids, I'm supporting my wife. She feels loved, safe, protected, taken care of. And I'm using my skill sets and my passions and the things that God's put within me to make this world a better place and to change people's lives.

That's awesome, man. That's awesome. So let's talk about your book now. Right? So you have an amazing book out there. You've got a lot of things going on. Talk to us about the book. I'm going to make sure we have links to everything in the show, notes and descriptions, but walk us through the book a little bit.

So we, we have been the most effective in our recovery program with professional men, probably about the ages 25 to 45. That seems to be our sweet spot. So when I start to realize this, you know, we provide a whole suite, it's a full package. When you work with us, we don't kind of do a la carte sessions and that kind of stuff. It's one on one coaching, it's group. We have a curriculum that I've designed. It's full on. And so there's a price tag that's associated with working with us. And I realized that not everybody is going to be able to necessarily afford that price tag. But I do believe that everybody deserves to get the help that we're providing people. And that's where the book came into play. It was just the easiest way other than the podcast. It was the only other way I could think of making everything that we're doing in this coaching practice accessible to the masses at a very affordable cost. And so I actually spent a lot of money to self publish this book. Well, like rounds of editing. I mean, it was like a two year process. And I just, as we were getting ready to launch it, I felt like, you know what, I think we just need to give this thing away for free. We were getting ready to do a pretty big campaign, so we still went through with it. It was a little bit too late at that point, but once the initial campaign was over, the book is still up on Amazon. You can buy it there, but we just give it away for free on our website. You can just go to the lastrelapsebook.com anybody can download it. Tens of thousands of people have gotten their hands on that book and have been able to really go through our recovery system on their own. It comes with a free workbook too. So it's really in depth. It's not like the 30 page book. And I just say, hey, I technically wrote a book. This thing's 250 pages. It's chock full of our system back to front. And we really just want people to get their hands on a system that we believe is changing people's lives before our very eyes. And so that's the whole point of the book. And again, with guys, you always have to be practical. I think guys really like a good system. And so the book is that it's. The system comes with the workbook, so you can get super practical with it as well.

Great stuff, man. So I've got a question. I want to ask it from a different perspective. So we have a lot of female listeners on Make Unplugged as well, too. So if you're a spouse, significant other, and you think or feel that maybe your spouse or significant other has an addiction to pornography, what are some things that you would give them from an vice standpoint?

Number one, I would say you're probably right. Yeah, the woman always knows, man. It's crazy. I mean, literally every single married client we ever had, trust me, the woman knew, their wife knew. So I would say, number one, like you're not crazy. You know, like, trust your gut. There's a reason it's there. Even if he's denied it, that's very common. They'll deny it, and then later on it comes out. So, number two, if you're convinced, but whatever, you can't get through to him in the conversation. The number one recommendation I give is send him content in the method or the platform that he prefers the most. So my wife knows that, like, she can send me an Instagram reel. I may check it out. She can send me a YouTube video, and I might take a look at it when I have a minute. But if she sends me a podcast, I'll add it to my docket and I'll have it listened to by the end of the week. I'm just. I'm a podcast guy. I love listening to podcasts. So it's the same thing. Like, whatever platform your husband prefers, get content to him. That's about recovery, porn addiction. If it's Instagram, you can send our kind of content. We're very active there, YouTube, whatever it is, but send content that makes sense to you. And honestly, you just have to kind of plant little seeds. You're not going to force him to. But if you start sending him content and he starts to take it in, usually that starts to build the awareness. Now, if. If as a partner, you're kind of at your wit's end, where you're like, I can't take this, or. Or you're pretty sure it's going on, it's driving you crazy, you might have to have a more forward conversation. And at that point, I'd recommend, you know, bringing in a professional or at least getting some professional guidance on how to do that conversation well, because there is such a thing as doing it well and doing it poorly. And then the other thing I would say for women is women are much better at this than men, by the way. But having other people you can talk to about it can be very helpful as well. And this is. It's true. If maybe you don't know what's going on, but you're kind of suspicious, helpful to have those conversations. But definitely on the other side, you know, when you have established, okay, I know my husband's struggling with this and he's not getting better, or the situation is taking a toll on our marriage, you as the woman, really need to make sure you're looking after yourself as well. And that's not to excuse him because he needs to do his. That's the main issue. But you also need to be taken care of because you're affected by his decisions and if you don't look after yourself, he could heal and get better and the marriage would still be in trouble because there's going to be that distrust. So being able to really process your side of it is very important.

Good stuff, my dude. Good stuff. Safiya, what else do you have going on, man? What have we not uncovered today?

You know what the adage, change the man changed the world, that's kind of become our tagline. And what we're working on right now is, you know, we have about a 70% success rate for guys who go through our program and a lot of them in the last probably year or so are like, okay, dude, this is awesome. I'm free, I have a new life, what's next? And we're kind of just like had our, you know, we got caught with our tail between our legs, like, ah, we don't really have anything. So we've been surveying all the clients that we've served over the years, trying to collect some data on where they want help once they quit pornography. It's been really interesting just to see kind of what's even come out of the research, but we're working on building a second program, kind of a phase two. Phase one is get clean, get your integrity in order. And phase two is let's teach you how to, you know, be successful and step into all the things that we were just talking about a minute ago, your purpose and making a difference in the world and all that kind of stuff. And so that's what our second program is going to be about. So that's kind of what we got in the pipeline down the road here. But the main thing, still the main thing, you know, we just want to get better and better at helping guys walk in freedom and raising awareness about how damaging and how harmful pornography is so that this world can, can be a better place and more men can be modeling the integrity that we want to see them walk in.

Amen to that, brother. Amen to that. So Sathiya, where can people find you, follow you and all that?

The man within podcast is the best place. Otherwise I'm super active on Instagram. Either of those places are great.

Amen. So I'll make sure we have links to all of that in the show notes and description. Sophia, brother, thank you so much for breaking bread with us and taking a little bit of time out of your busy day, man. I appreciate you more than you know, dude.

I respect the heck out of you, man, and all the work you do. It's a privilege to be here. Thanks for having me.

Let's do it. And to all the viewers and listeners, remember your because is your superpower. Go unleash it.

Thank you for tuning in to Mick Unplugged. Keep pushing your limits, embracing your purpose, and chasing greatness. Until next time, stay unstoppable.