6.14.24 | Working From Home Podcast

Hey everybody, I'm Justin.

And I'm Courtney.

And welcome to Working from Home. We're so glad you guys are here with us today. Don't forget to like and subscribe to our YouTube and make sure if you're on Spotify, you're in the comment sections. Q and A button there and then as well as on itunes. Be sure you are subscribed. Have notifications coming on for our podcast as we're working from home. So you guys know to our Working from Home audience that this one is different and unique. Today we have an audience with us. Audience, make some noise. Audience, make some noise. And so for those of you who don't know, I Pastor Friendship Baptist Church, the best church this side of heaven in Vallejo, California. California. And today we're at the last day, we're recording at the last day of our Rel Remix conference, which is a conference, we believe that God is remixing stories. And it's been an amazing time, amazing conversations, amazing time together. We had a party on Friday. We've had great times together all day Saturday. And so it's been fun. So we've been talking a lot about it. And those of you who are watching too, we got Rel Con coming up court. What's happening here? Relcon.

So Rel Con is another conference that we're having. It's a two day conference Friday and Saturday. I don't know what's going to beat Rail Remix. This was pretty fun. I enjoyed myself, I really did. But racon, we have two impactful days as well. So the first night we're going to have a date night. So for those that are needing a date or wanting to come out or dating someone, we'll have a cooking class led by Sister Linda, learning how to cook together a simple meal. That's going to be really fun. And then we have a full day on Saturday of just different activities and speakers. We have Justin and Trish Davis coming and they're coming from Nashville and they have a crazy banana story.

Yeah.

He.

He cheated on his wife with her best friend.

Yeah.

And then got caught. Right.

And got caught and got caught and they didn't. Yeah.

Yeah.

And they have like what, nine kids, I think.

Is it nine? They have a lot.

Six.

But they got a football team.

They got a lot of kids.

Yeah.

And they were at the crossroads trying to figure out what to do with life. And so through the power of Jesus Christ alone and they contribute everything that they have done to Jesus Christ, they were able to build back their marriage and now their whole lives are centered around going everywhere to help build other marriages all across the country. And so healing is possible again, living is possible again, and getting to the other side of traumatic events is it's possible. And so super excited to welcome them. They are awesome. I say he looks like the white version of you with the bald head and the beard. It's so funny.

But.

And his name is Justin, but it's funny. So they'll be there. We'll also have great speakers.

And Skip will be here again.

Oh, brother. Skip Cole, he was dropping some gems today. Sky, see me afterwards. He gave me so, so much jibs that he couldn't say over the the mic. But if y' all want to know, especially if y' all divorced, come see me in the back. I'm tell y'.

All. So, yeah, Skip will do it. Justin and Trish will be here, and then we have a panel discussion we'll do with different ages of marriages. So marriages, a marriage under five years, a marriage under 10 years, a marriage over 20 years, and a marriage over 40 years. So it'll be really, really cool. That's that. That day as well. So that's coming up for us. And also Court, I just got in the mail today.

What's up?

My book what the Heck is AI?

Oh, wow.

So for those of you bought Church of AI. That's great. For those of you I got hit up a bunch of people like Pastor Justin, I'm not in church, not saved, don't believe in Jesus, all that type of stuff.

Okay.

So I put a book together that took out all the church stuff and was just. AI is still here. And so it's a book called what the heck is AI? It's available on Amazon or my website, JR Lester.com and you can go take a look at what the Heck is AI? Because if you're trying to figure out what the heck is a. I wrote a book on it. What the heck is AI?

He wrote this book on the plane. You guys. This is how fast this man writes a book. Like, once he has an idea, he's like, I have to get it out. The church of AI, you wrote in a weekend?

No, I wrote it. No, no, no. My dissertation focus a lot on this stuff.

I focused a lot on this stuff, but a lot. It was. Majority of the book is very new material that you wrote in one weekend.

Yeah, well, like the newer stuff. Right? So like the theories of, like, evolution, futurist thinking, design thinking.

He works fast.

Yeah. Okay. And anyway, one thing is, AI is All about the social sector. So if you're looking for your business, non profits, all that so available on Amazon, go take a look at it. So, Court, what's on your mind today?

I thought that we could piggyback a couple of weeks ago, you were talking about relationships and a lot of things, but I also thought it would be great, as we're at this conference, to talk about what's one thing in your single life. I think you. You have a lot of notions.

But.

But we could talk about one thing that we wish to tell our single selves before we got married. That I think would be important. But then also, you have a unique story, being who you are, parents, pastors, them divorcing, and how you navigate it, too. So we can go in a couple of different avenues of what you want to talk about.

So I'm going to start with this. This whole story gave me a new character from inside out that we got at Disneyland. Anxiety. This is. But yeah, no. So my parents. So, like, my dad was my pastor for all my life, right? And so my dad was my pastor. And then he. Whatchamacallit. So he started getting weird. And it was. He started. He got. He had his church. He got put out, did this weird thing with my angel. I'm just gonna say, so Maya Angelou. So what he did was he sold tickets for a fake banquet, right?

And put Maya Angelou.

And put Maya Angelou's name on it.

That's just coming to Milwaukee for the first time.

Yeah, for the first time ever. And so, like, you know, it's Maya Angelou. This is like. Like, I forgot the poem. She put out in 92. But it was like, at the peak of her career and all this other stuff. Well, the second half of her career. And so my dad decided, like, oh, yeah, Maya Angelou's coming to this church, this small little church in Milwaukee. And so my mom kept saying, like, Anthony, like, we've never heard from her team. We never heard anything. So my mom calls down Maya Angelo's team, right? Because she just was over him. She called out of my Angelo's team. And by Angelo's, he was like, we have never heard of. Of Great Amount Zion.

But this is after you guys have sold tickets.

This is after we've sold $200 tickets, right? I mean, the mayor, the governor, like, all these people are coming, right? So he puts all this stuff out that we got May Angelo coming. Just massive lie. And that was the first time. So, like, he got put out of great amounts on. I tried to say it was all their fault. Right. You sold fake tickets to provide Angelo Bakewit. Right?

Right.

Yeah, Right. And so my mom was ready to, like, go. You could tell they went through counseling and. And all of that. So he started a church called Blessed Deliverance. Took a lot of people. He was very charismatic. He was. He was like Saul, you know, Saul was king. King because he was tall. So he was 6 5. He was only 6 3. I was taller than him. I was taller than him. He was 6 3. You know, charismatic, you know, all that type of stuff in the early, you know, said he went to all these different schools. So then as I kept growing, I started applying to colleges and found out that, like, you know, I was applying to Marquette. He said he was like a legacy kid in Marquette. Never went to Marquette. Said he was a Q. Was never a Q. Right? There's all these things began to come out, and my mom just kept getting like, anthony, like, what is. What is real about you? Like, what is real? Right? And eventually, just things got weird. They got into this massive fight, and he put his hands on my mom. That's when I just lost it, right? So he threw a hot cup of coffee at her and started. Tried to throw her down the stairs at her house. And so at the time, I'm playing football. I move people every day. You are not a big deal to me. Right? So we started. Mom got in the middle and I moved. I pushed him off our deck, and mom got in the middle and whatchamac. She called the police, told me to get out of the house because she don't want me. She told me to ruin my life over him. So I had to drive around and I don't know what happened. Came back, police had got him. That was my last time seeing him. We got into a fight. They got into a fight. It was gone. So for me, I lost my pastor, lost my dad. Well, my dad was already kind of gone, but I lost my pastor, lost my dad. That's in my mom's struggle because she had. She was a paralegal, but that was it, right? So, like, we're living in the suburbs. My sister's in school, and I was. I was finishing up high school, ready to go to college. So then I'm like, do I really want to move? Right? Because I don't want to leave her by herself knowing that we don't have any money. So it's a very interesting space. Then we got put out of the church. Try to revoke my call. Like, God didn't call you. Because I didn't call you. It was really stupid. So that's where this is very sensitive to me, right. In talking about how God remixes your stories. Because I watched my mom, you know, have peaks after, but never sustain something afterwards. And she never really wanted to talk about her story until she started losing her mind near the end. And so it's just. It's really painful to me. I don't want anyone else to deal with that type of stuff. And so that's where relationships and home life, you know, I. I joke about all these pastors. Pastor Faison was joking about the pastors that call them. I'm telling you, they. They are out there just suffering or doing things for other people and not living their own lives. And what. What I hate is not just them, it's the victims of their families, right? Their families become victims. And I'm like, this can look really good on Sunday. Like, so what we did growing up all the way from, like, middle school is my dad would not be home. Like, he just would not come home. Right. And so we would actually meet up, get together in one car, go to church.

Wow.

And then come back. So one time now I've been this big all my life. Right? Right. I remember my mom was like, just like, you big boned it? No, I was fat, right? So, like, like, so I. One time, I was a lineman. I was an offensive and defensive lineman. I was 6,4ish. I grew up another inch, 6,4,330 pounds. I was a big kid. I was weightlifting all of that. I wore 77 in football to tell you how much. My dad never came to a football game with me. He got up at church one Sunday, was like, yeah, Justin had three receiving touchdowns. And I was like, I've never played wide receiver. Right. But so like, we never were together. And so we would get together, come to church, be all this happy, go, lucky family. Then we'd split up. We wouldn't see him for like three, four days. He come home one day, get. They get an argument, get back in a car, go to. And so eventually mom just got tired of it. I got tired of it. My sister was really over it. And so that's why I'm very. I think you have to have. I don't care how successful you are in the world, if home sucks, none of this other stuff matters because I got to go. I gotta. I gotta wake up to you, right? I gotta wake up with myself. I gotta look at the mirror. And so my whole thing on relationships is do you know the person you're looking at in the mirror?

Right.

Because if not, that is a terrible life to live.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think too, I think faces have something really powerful that still rings to me that just because something ends does not mean that it was a failure. And the things that happened absolutely in that duration of that season were a mistake or a failure. Right. Like I say to you all the time, you and your sister, like, maybe for a specific reason, to get you two to this earth, that was necessary and maybe just for that purpose only was the purpose of that union. And then that's it, right? So eat the. Eat the fish and just spit the bones out, you know, and to do that and to make those choices for yourselves, right? And being very, like, open and honest. We had an amazing panel here today with a family that's absolutely remarkable. They co parent. They co parent so well. Even today, their children are like older, they have grand. Their children have grandchildren.

And.

It'S just remarkable how they parent well. But the level of maturity and transparency that it takes to like, lay down the egos, lay down the past, lay it down to be able to come to the same space, to give your family the ability to just have a holiday, to eat a meal together without having to deal with the drama, you know? And I think that we kind of forget. And it's hard to do that as well, to like, wow, we're bigger than just ourselves. There's other people connected to us and being authentic in that, right? Like living authent. And that's why it's really important for us to live an authentic life, right? Where it's like, no, we're not meeting up to come to church together. And then we just leave church and go elsewhere where it's like, no, we live. Very authentic. Very authentic. Maybe too authentic.

Yeah. I mean, because your feet at home sometimes. Oh, my gosh, no. But then, so getting to that and then to like, dating. And so, like, when I got into college, I didn't. I hadn't seen a healthy, like, love life, right? And so I got into college and I was, I'm gonna be single, all this type of stuff. And then I found out that, you know, I was 6, 5 and African American and folk that on the other side of your hand. And I'm saying, he's like, whoa, like, what is this whole world of, like, what does it mean to date? What does it mean to court? Then like in the middle of that, like Tinder and dates start coming out and so then it's like, it was no longer dating. It's just sex, sex, sex, right? And so I wasn't into all that crap, and it was just a really weird space to, like, try to figure out dating and then to recognize that, like, you know, it's. It has to be my main thing on, like, dating. It has to be a mutual pursuit.

Yeah, right.

Has to be a mutual pursuit. Like, it can't be one person doing all the pursuing, right? And it can't be the other person just lazy, like, taking it, like, oh, yes, you ought to love me and pursue me. So, like, as much I say that, I'm not saying that because, like, ooh. Like, it's gotta. Like, I was doing all this pursuing. I was like, I'm a catch, so you better find me. Like, I'm thinking I'm, like, somebody, right? And I'm a catch, you know? And. And people would get irritated with that type of stuff. So then eventually, like, I'm sitting here, like, eventually, I got tired of, like, everybody going. Doing things on Valentine's Day and everybody doing all sorts of stuff where it's just like, all right, so I'm gonna. I realized that, like, it has to be. It can't just be her coming after me or me going after her. It had to be a mutual thing. Right? And so when you and I met, the day before I moved to Nashville, when you and I met and Courtney slid into my DMs. I don't care what anyone says. Courtney slid to my DMs and said, here's my phone number.

I did not give you my phone number. I was very.

Here's my phone number and my email and my Social Security security number.

Okay? So, yes, I was actually. This is a suggestion. So I met Justin. We met at a scholarship banquet, that it was one of those scholarships that you get every single year, year after year that you're matriculating through college. And we won the scholarship. We're the same, like, grade level, same age. And so we. We got this scholarship four years in a row. And I never really talked to you. I saw you. You're just like a loner, like a gentle. He's like a gentle giant. He's really quiet. He's to himself. He doesn't really say much, but I never tried to do in, like, those four years. And we came back as alumni the first year after we graduated from college, and we came and they put us at a table together, like alumni. And so we were sitting at this table, and he was talking my ear off. About the news. Like, did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Oh, this is coming down the line. And I was looking at. My mom was like, what is he talking about? And she's like, I think he likes you. And I was like, what? And so we were just sitting there and we were talking and we just had really good conversation. And I could tell you were really talk. You were trying. We're talking. We were just like having conversation. I'll never forget. We were listening to the keynote speaker. And in that moment, you. I didn't see. I was like, paying attention to the speaker and you left. And I was like, I don't want to know life anymore without this guy. Like, who is this guy? Like, I really. Where did he go? What happened? Like, did he leave? Like, I was trying to act like I didn't see him or I was, I was just like having conversation, but the conversation was really great. And so I was like, where is he? So I could think about is Facebook. So I went on Facebook, I found him, and I simply. He told me he was going to Nashville. I did not give him my number. I said, hey, I used to go to college in Nashville. I know great restaurants and places to eat. Here is my email address.

Yeah, so that was the day before I left. But then all I know is for the next 10 hours we were talking on the phone. So somebody, maybe you gave me somebody's.

Phone number and you texted me, and that's how it happened.

All right.

And so I did, I really did. I did go into his dms and that is how it happened. But it was very professional.

It was professional to say that though. What I'm saying is it was a mutual pursuit, though. So it wasn't just, you know, it wasn't just one sided. And I think that's one of the things I'm seeing in a lot of, like, I'm just watching people date nowadays. It's like, chase me, I'm this, I'm that. Yes, everybody's a catch because you were created in the image of God.

Absolutely.

But, oh my God, the other person that you want to catch you is a catch too.

Yeah.

And we've been seeing that a lot in culture, in this dating culture of like, you know, what can you bring to the table? Especially from women to men, Right? Like, how much do you make? Do you have this and you have to look at it and it's like, do you want to have like a partnership? Or are you guys, Are you interested. Interested in a lifelong either marriage or partnership? With a person or do you want an investment? Like, are you looking for an investment banker?

Like, that's.

That's different. And really realizing where it's. What. What am I bringing to the table? What am I looking at? And how do we build together, I think is the most important part. And listening to each other, because I feel like people tell us exactly who they are, but we just don't want to listen or we don't want to hear it because we see everything else and we feel like, God, you must not have anything greater for me. So I have to make this work somehow. Really listening.

And I think with that, you have to be honest. Right. So this is my story. This is the. Because marriage is, Is. Is not this. Like this. It's. I mean, it's a contract transaction, but like, it's a collision of histories.

Yeah.

Right. So all of your parents baggage, your baggage, your future baggage and your successes are colliding. Right. We're not merging this. They're colliding.

Yeah.

And that's an expl. Like, that's how the world was. It's a collision. And when we see it as a collision and not a merger, it changes things because it's like stuff that I don't even know how to communicate is colliding with stuff that you don't know how to communicate. Communicate. And that's where conflicts wouldn't happen.

Yeah.

Right. So I think there's that part also. We just came back from Disneyland. Right. It was great. We spent way more, much more money than I think, but. And one of the things we need Skip called Valley. Yes. Right. So during the parade, I got really upset. And I got upset during parade because I noticed how much Walt Disney's trauma screwed up so many people's lives. Right. And that is this notion of the great charming prince, the skinny white woman, and just like miracles, magic and signs at midnight. Yeah. And how many marriages, how many weddings have been screwed up because of that man's tr. So when you read a story, you realize that's his trauma.

Yeah.

Right. And what he wished he gave to his children. But yet we're over here making our whole marriages like princess lands.

Yeah.

Not realizing that that's what Walt Disney needed to deal with in therapy. Right. But. And. And what he didn't give his wife.

Yeah.

And so now he created Cinderella because of what he wish he gave to his wife.

Got it.

Right. And so now we're over here making our whole lives like Princess and the Frog. Right. Or Fox and the Hound. And it's Just. And, and, and it shows that if we don't deal with our own trauma, if we don't put language to what is real.

Yeah.

Because it happened. What's happened. What is said cannot be unsaid. What is done cannot be undone. What is hurt cannot be undone. All you can do, unheard, all you can do is create a. Create a reality in light of who Jesus is to you, in light of what's said, heard and done. But if you don't. He just had money.

Yeah.

And he's created. I mean, kudos to the Disney family. Whatever. Thank you for all the, the people. But I mean, millions of people, billions of people have had messed up relationships because of this man's trauma.

Right. Distorted views about what a princess is, what my marriage should look like, what my wedding should look like, what your.

Body needs to look like, how you talk, how you sing. It's really sad, you know. And so I was taken aback by that at Disney this week where I was just like looking at Tiana and just people being like, well, that's not the real princess. And it's like.

Or them even putting a lot on her that she has to hold the.

She's holding blackness.

Yeah. The Princess Tiana narrative, which is the black Disney princess holding up the narrative of like diversity, equity, inclusion of Disney. And it's like, but we gave her a Tiana land, so you guys should be happy, you know, and it's just like, that's a lot.

We do the same thing in our relationships too, if we don't deal with our trauma. Well, I gave you a game room. Yeah, well, I gave you a car. Right? Like you weren't here for your birthday. Well, we did this, right? We're like, I did that on your birthday. Like, I don't have to do it every time. Like, you know me. And it's just all these different things that happen because of unreconciled, like non communicated trauma. Right. And I think we're in a culture now where everything is traumatic, which it isn't. But like, you know, it's just unreconciled situations in my life. And if I don't communicate them with honesty to myself, not to others first, but to myself, this is what I did or what others did to me. This is the part I played, then we'll end up creating narratives and things that can harm other people, hence anxiety.

We at Disneyland. So this is a new character in the, the new movie Inside out too, which is based on emotions of people. Emotions as like a child Grows up. And now that the main character is grown up a little bit, she's a teenager now, she has more emotions outside of the basics of joy, anger, sadness.

What's funny? So this is.

And so he. He asked for.

I go to this girl at the store, and I was like, do you have anxiety? And she was like, what? No, no, no, no, no. The character. Oh, yeah, yeah. So that's the main things we wanted to talk about. Any questions you guys have, we're here to talk relationships and stuff. Camden has the mic. Any questions or anything that you guys have about the conference, about relationships in general, we're glad to have a conversation with our first ever live audience for our podcast.

The next time. Oh, thank you so much. But the next time we have a conference, can you try to encourage the older people to come? Especially, like, here I am feeling a little bit strange with all these young people, and I'm their great great grandmother. But it would be nice, you know, if we can just. I'm going to encourage them. I think it's my job.

Yeah.

And especially the males.

Yeah.

You know, it's like what Sister Grant was saying a little earlier about being lonely or whatever. And I'm going to put this out here. Young people, it's nice. I have so many friends. But you know what? Can I just say this? They're like. They're like my son's age, and it's nice for me to have a conversation with somebody that was born in the 40s like me. And so I'm grateful for my friends, but now they are beginning to look after me like I am their mother. And so I just would like to have a friend so that we can talk about things that we know, even history that Things that happen.

Yeah, let me speak to that. So one of the things, because we wrote about this, so it's a. It's S curve, right? So Minister Stephanie came up. She's like, hey, you being a disruptor, and I just love it. Right. But there's a disruption. S curve, right? And there's this S curve for no matter. No matter what you do. So the first time you do something, you guys in the room today are the 2.5% part of innovation, right? So whenever you do anything different, like, no church is doing talking about stuff like this, because when you talk about divorce, where do we go to Leviticus. Obama, shut up. Right? So it's like 2.5 of people buy into something immediately. Right? So those of you here today, I appreciate you, because this is 2.5% right. We sent it to other churches. We sent it out. We invited dudes, all the stuff. 2.5%. The next layer is 13.5%. Right. Then you got more people, because now word of mouth is like, oh, this is what it is. And. And then you get 26.5%. And that's where the majority comes in. It's like the adoption of a cell phone. Everybody thought it was stupid, right? Cell phones. I'm gonna want some. I got my house phone event. Now we're at a place where, like, nobody has a house phone. A couple people do, but, like, nobody has a house phone as much. You don't have voicemail. Voicemails on your phone. So it's just. It's the innovation curve, and we're at the very beginning of it. Right? So, like Pastor Faison was saying, he travels all across the country, and he was like, there's nobody talking about divorced or widowed people. Right. But I want to. So it's new and. Right. So the next time we do it again next year, it'll be a lot different. Right. Just simply because it's not new anymore. Right. So we're at that point now where you're the only person in that age demographic. Cool. Because it's brand new.

Eventually you to. To tell them that it's okay.

Yeah.

Right. You guys are the gatekeepers that then go back and say, say, it was good.

It was good.

Like, it wasn't scary. We put our toe in the water. It was great. It felt great. And those people are waiting on that. That story. Right. Even as we think about, like, the gospel of Jesus Christ and how we're spreading the news. Right. Some people just immediately get it. You don't have to shoot me twice. I got it.

Cool.

I'm following Jesus. I don't got to learn no lessons. I'm following after you. It's some people that they have to go through some things. They got to see some things. Somebody needs to tell them about it. Somebody needs to tell them about their experience for them to understand. And this is how this is. It's so new and.

Yeah.

Innovative. And I don't know what you say. Where's the old person? You are young. You are very young. So, yeah, it just starts with all of us to go back and tell someone that it's okay. It's okay.

And there's a lot of shame associated with this. I was talking to guys about this too. Even Faiza and I were talking, and there's shame for a lot of men where it's Just like, because for some of the relationships that did disintegrate, it was on them, and they don't want to deal with it, right? And they don't want to deal with, like, I am at fault because we're men. And so it's just like, well, like, no, like, I'm always right. No, you were wrong. Right? And a lot of men don't want to deal with the reality of, like, I. I'm the reason my children don't talk to me, right? Or I'm the reason this happened in this relationship. I did this to a human being, and they don't want to deal with it. Right? And so we're talking here, I think, even has a healing class. But if we do this, when we do this again and have a male one and have a male class in it, it'd be like the I did it conversation, right? Like, the best. The best Bible said I ever had with men once was it was the I blew it conversation. And it was when David got confronted by Nathan, and it was like, men finally had to deal with all the things they've done to other people. And we don't want to do that as brothers, right? And it takes a lot to get there. And so when I looked around, saw the registration, I was, okay, cool. I see where we got to, you know, know really intentionally grab a hold of it next time. But a lot of brothers, especially conversations like this, it's, well, she didn't do this or she didn't do that, or you did this too. And there's. There's two sides to a pancake, so let's flip it over. And you can't just look at the her side or his side. You got to look at yours. And I. I think a lot of men don't want to reconcile themselves because we're. We're perfect. We're the leaders. We're this, we're that. But I'm also. Also did some stuff that didn't just break me. I broke others. And until we get there, we can recognize that as brothers. That's when we begin to change. So this is one thing in our own marriage, right, where there's moments where it's like, I'll admit I'm wrong. I tell my team that all the time to here, too. Like, there's been things we've done here at the church, and I've been like, wow, that failed. Let's learn from it. Well, I failed. Keep going. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. But that, like, When Towns had finance meetings. Right. Gloria Maria can shake their heads. Yeah. Spend a lot of money on that. That was a waste. Won't do that again next thing. Right. And it's just a little thing, but if I can't admit that, then I'm gonna double down on failure. And I think too often what happens in our relationships too is we double down because of our ego instead of being honest, like, hey, that went really well, or this didn't go well. How can we do better next time? I think a lot of men don't want to do that. And so hopefully we can continue because they're very linear thinkers that the next time we do it, we can bring some brothers into and they're not feel shame filled when they got to look at themselves in the mirror, be like, wow, that person or that woman across the room looks like my ex wife or looks like my old girlfriend and I did her wrong and deal with it. So, yeah. Any other questions? Yes, I see two.

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. So you've been preaching a lot about all year long, you know, being present where your feet are. So I'm trying to practice that at church, at work, at home.

Yeah.

So I didn't sign up for the couples conference because I'm like, I'm not in a relationship, so I'm, I want to be present where my feet are. I felt like I needed to just not do that because I didn't want to. I don't want to move faster than my heart was ready to go. How do you keep yourself present in the moment when your heart desires that next thing? How do you keep yourself from moving too fast?

You have to know your own pace, right? So if you know your own pace. So if you're saying if, if your heart is moving there. So like that whole Thurman piece with head and heart, right? So if you're, if your heart is moving there and then your head is going there, your dreams are going there, your hands are going there, your time's going there, your resources there, you are there, right? And so like it's cool to be here and engage. But then in that too, then it's also a picture of. So if, if you're saying that like part of yourself, even 60% of yourself is like, hey, I'm think I'm three steps ahead where I need to be or where I want to try something else out. Then now we're looking at so where's this going? So now you got to begin to think further. If it's not leading to marriage. Get out. If it is, stay in. Right? Because then that's just both of you having a conversation too, in terms of where are we and where am I? So if your head, if your heart, if your hands, all these different things are like, I think I need to jump in something deeper. Then get out the shallow end, right? Because you are. You're beyond it. Right. And so that's the same thing where, like, I. I have problems with my feet now because I used to wear shoes were too small because I wanted to wear different styles that didn't make in size 15. And so I wore size 13, took the soles out and thought I was doing something. My body was literally telling me, you are bigger than this. I have issues now because I tried to squeeze into something I was too big for. Right? So even in this season for you, if you're sitting here like, hey, like, you're God is like, hey. Or your heart's like, we're a size 15. You're like, but the cute shoes are size 12. Don't take the soles out. Go find good ones and make the 15s look good. Because if not, you'll have some issues in 10 years that you could have avoided today.

Yeah, I heard a quote too. It said, focus on the good, and the good comes into focus. And that was so, like, eye opening and intriguing to me, me, where it's like, focus on where you are. Focus on whatever you're seeking in the moment, right? And that becomes the focal point of what you're doing. So in this season or in this time, if you're like, you know, I truly want to find myself. I want to find what I enjoy. I want to love myself throughout that. No matter who comes around or who comes or whatever God has for me, I know that what I like, I know what I don't like, but I'm willing to do that, and that becomes the focus of what you're doing. And I think so many of the times the focus of our season is like, the next season or what's next? Or how am I gonna go next? And as women, our minds run fast, right? So, like, even if we, like, meet a guy, like, immediately, we got the wedding, whatever our wedding. We're like, I don't want a wedding. And do I want this? Wonder this. What happened? What is that? I wonder where he lives. Where's this? We are just, like, running in the moment. Instead of saying, like, let me just focus. Let me just put into focus and perspective what's right in front of Me, what I know now is I'm meeting someone right now, and we're in a friendship right now where we're in this today, and the rest will take care of itself. But really just focusing on that, and once you realize that, you begin to enjoy the things in this season, so much so that you don't even realize that you are progressing forward. Right. And I think it's hard, too, for women because we constantly have to be in a pursuit of moving. We want to be led. We want to be guided. We want to do that. But when we're in a constant pursuit of Jesus Christ first and even ourselves, we realize how far we've actually gone in that, and it's just our focus is off. I think a lot of times in doing that.

That's real. Sister Carmen and then Charlie, I think you would.

Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Give it up for our micro.

Thank you.

All right. For Pastor Justin, with you being a product of a divorce, did you feel like you had to, like, then step up and be the man that left the house for your mom? Because I feel like with my boys, I feel like I'm a burden for them because they automatically want to go into protective mode or they want to feel like they need to do what they're used to their dad seeing. So was that something that was a challenge for you?

Yeah. So immediately I jumped into trying to be that person for my sister and be that person for my mother, like, protecting her, and then also the same for my sister. It was helpful for me and my suggestion to you, let me see how we get there. So it's helpful for me in that my respect for women today is because of my just honor for my sister and my mother, my respect for my wife today, honoring those two, like, I dove two feet into that. There was nothing. There was no machismo. All that season that a lot of guys go through, I just never dealt with that because it was immediately care, love, and consistency that I learned how to deal with the nurture part of masculinity that often we run away from. It's just like, until it's. You have to. With children, I learned how to do that. I would highly suggest allowing them to continue to grow right in that, because that's going to be a lot for them, just as a man. Because they love you. Right. That's not going to change. There's nothing you can do. Like, my mother would be like, go do this, go do that. And she wanted to date a guy, and I wanted to beat him up. Right. It Was just like. And he did absolutely nothing but come home, come there in a nice car, in a suit. He respected her, but I wanted to beat him up just because, like, who's this guy in my mom's house right now, right? Your honesty is what's going to help, right? This is where I'm at. This was this, hey, I like this person. I'm trying this out. I need some space. Why don't you guys go do this? So is my mother encouraging me? Like, even so, after my first year of college, I stayed at home, right? Because I just didn't want her alone. And she was like, no, you've got to live on campus. I need you to get out. Don't come home until the weekends. And so she was the one who kind of made sure that I gave her her space and I had my own. But she also then recognized. I'm thinking, not think. I see you recognizing as well, there's still a lot in that, that they're still reconciling as well. Like how, like, for me, my dad didn't teach me certain things, right? It's like, I wish I learned how to do this. I wish I learned how to. So I'm trying to learn that while thinking I got to be. I can't never be her husband. I can never be my own father. But it's all of those different types of things. So give them the space to. To nurture, to. To grow as men. But then also know when it gets too close, when to push them away like my mother pushed me away to it. Even if it's uncomfortable for you, if you know it's uncomfortable for them. I went kicking and screaming, like, what are you going to do, Mom? Like, what if the power goes out? What are you going to do? And there's something she didn't know how to do, but she knew that if I stayed there forever, I would never go date someone else. I would never get out of the house. I would never go find or pursue my own life because I'd be so concerned about hers. And she wanted us to live there. But then also recognize they're dealing with something in their own head. That. That clinging to you may come across as nurture, but just because they're older, if they're babies, they'd just be holding on to. But that clinging to you is. I don't understand everything right now. And you're my safe place. And so that was. That was really what I wrestled with until, like, you know, I mean, even until she passed away, you know, but it's just. It's just part of being a guy growing up and learning how to nurture sooner than you really kind of wanted to.

Thank you.

Anybody else? This is fun. I love this type of stuff, man.

Charlie, so how did you feel after.

You met Lady Courtney and knowing how she came from that household where her mom is her best friend and she, you know, her upbringing just so different.

Was it like a three to you.

Or was it.

Parents are going nowhere?

Yeah, well, I. I will say, I think to that question because of the trauma that happened to your mom, your sister and yourself, they were a tight triad that was really hard to break because they've been through some things together. Right. They've seen some things together. And as much as his mother didn't want to, quite naturally, I think as a man and as they grow, they try to fulfill that position. Right? So now I need to figure out the grass. I need to figure out this. His sister was. While you were graduating high school, your sister was coming into high school. And so, like, what does that mean for, like, senior pictures? And like, so he's working overtime to make sure that she has a successful high school career. So then, you know, stepping in as like, her impromptu father. And so you build quite. They built quite a triad. And I think that it was today, like, me and his mother's, like, she would tell me stuff that she would have never told them today.

But when I say this funny part. So there's a story of like. So my mom never told me what happened after I left to when she called the police. Right? But she told Courtney and she told Courtney. She said, I told that bald headed.

Whatever, get your black.

My mom just. I was like, mom, right?

Like, she would tell me and she was like, but that relationship, it was hard to get into because they had, they had a bond that was like, we've been through a lot together. And so it's really hard for me because I tend to gel with a lot of people. There rarely anyone that, like, I don't get along with or that, like, I have a problem with. But I will say it was hard. It was really the first time meeting them, they were on, like, watch, like, this is our Justin. And like, who are you? Like, it was not in a mean way, but it took a lot of, like, trust building and patience and confidence that, like, I'm not here to hurt, right? Or I'm not here to, like, take away that the relationships and what in the roles that we have in Justin's life are completely all different. And so I. And I have a totally different background, too, where it's like, you know, it's just me and my mom as well. And so doing that and kind of navigating through those things. They were different, and I think they were hard in the beginning, but as we, like, grown and learn as a family, it got easier. And now her sister is, like, my best friend, and we are just all, like, one big happy family, and we can't imagine, like, life without each other. And it's. But it was hard. It was hard in the beginning because they were very protective, and he was very protective over them because he. I think you felt like you had to compensate for your father.

I'm very selective and who comes into my circle and who I reveal to people, right? And so Courtney was the first girl my mom or my sister ever met. Met, right. That I was, like, interested in and wanted to pursue. And so, like, it was a big deal. I remember, like, telling them, hey, guys, I'm coming home for Christmas, and I want you to meet someone. My mom's like, who? Camille's all on her Facebook, you know, it was just. It was crazy. Yeah, she was. She was all into it. She's sending me screenshots of her pictures. Like, what is she doing in New Orleans? Like, why is she doing this? And, like, Courtney had this. She could talk to y' all later about. About a girls trip to New Orleans for the century, right? And she was just like, who. Who's this girl? What is she doing? Who's her friend? She's trying to find all this stuff. Is she Greek? Is she not? Because my sister was pledging a.k.a. so, like, if she wasn't, a.k.a. like, it was just all this stuff. And because I never brought anyone to my parents. And so the same thing, meeting her mom, I wanted to respect that. So that's where her. And I heard him on. When I would go home or preach for anyone in Milwaukee, I would get lunch with her, right? So I met her mom. Mom's a sweetheart. Met her mom. And I could tell, too, it was the same way where it's like, this is the only thing I've got. Like, this is my daughter. And so what do you. Who are you? Are you going to leave her? Like, what's going to happen? Because, like, I've already seen the abandonment, already seen the trust issues. And so as she's saying that about my family, my mom, my sister were like that. Like, I remember sitting at that table, like, would y' all talk? Like, oh, my God, they're just looking at her and, like, being all intimidating. And it was very similar, not in the same manner, but to her mom as well, where it was like, this is my. This is my kid. This I've worked really hard. She's got through school. Look what all I've done. Are you going to screw this up? And I think for both of our parents, it was a matter of, like, we don't know. You never met you. My child likes you. Are you going to screw them up? Because I put a lot of work into this, and I've got a lot to lose. And so I think we both saw that. And that's why, you know, we're so big on honoring her mom when we do see. And if you guys would ever met my mom, whenever she came, I always wanted to preach, just to honor her, too. Just because you did put a lot of work in. And we're not in prison. We're not doing like we're not doing. And even if we were, we know you'd love us, but we wanted to honor that back. So there was a. There was a lot of different dynamics, which is why, again, marriage is not the merging of stories. It's the collision of histories. And it wasn't just my history for, you know, 24 years colliding with Courtney's. It was all of the things happened to her parents and my parents, too. So, Charlie.

So I wanted to say I love how you guys are so raw and real about your marriage alone, because you guys have a. I guess your marriage is on a platform here because everybody is watching you. You have a son. I just want to know how you guys take care of each other and yourselves and still have enough energy to come and basically mentor us through every single thing, because I don't think you guys understand. You guys brought a lot of us young people home because we weren't coming to church. We were not having these conversations.

We were.

We felt embarrassed by other members, staff. So I want to know how you guys manage your marriage yourselves and then come back and have enough energy for us young folks, because I know we're not easy. I know I'm one of the hardest ones. So I want to know how you have that energy.

You know, Pastor Faison alluded to the statement earlier about consistency doesn't lead to imagination. I don't know. It's funny you asked that, because it's just like. It's just the way that we live.

Yeah. I feel like our normal. One of the things that I had to come to accomplish. People say Slow down. Our norm in which we function is up here. We do a lot. We do a lot all the time. We stay busy. And that's our driving point, right? That's the part that makes it live. People say, oh, you should slow down or you should stop. And it's like, that's actually really hard for us to, like, slow down.

Our.

We're always on go, but I think to our histories and what she was saying. So we both grown, Grow. Grew up in church, and we both from the same area. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He's from the suburbs. I'm from the inner city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Courtney was two blocks from the wealthiest out of that part of southeast Wisconsin.

Well, the line was start because I was that and. But we grew up in the same area, so we know the same type of things. Justin and I have seen it all in church. When I say we have seen it all, there will be nothing that will ever happen in the church house that would ever surprise us. There will be that. We have seen it all. We can really write a book about all that we've seen. We have seen it all. We have experienced it all. We have seen the trauma. We've seen, even in our home church, children leave and children come back. And we've always said, like, once we got together, that our purpose are the people in the pews. Right? Like our purpose, we're called to minister and to evangelize to the people who are in the pews. Because there's two different things that happen in church. You get church people who are really into church, church, the idea and the genre of, like, black church, and people who are really looking for devotion with Jesus. Sometimes they mesh, sometimes they don't. And so you have to kind of navigate your way through it all. And I think because we've seen so much laughter is at the core and the center of it. And so it's always like, you would never guess which is today, or you would never guess. And that really is what keeps us going. It helps us be authentic because we're like, we can't be the only one seeing this. We can't be the only ones just doing this. And it helps us to share out. And these are things I think we wish we would have heard or seen or known growing up. Like, how come nobody ever said this? Or how come nobody ever did this? You read a statistic that today the divorce rate is 63%, right? So that's the divorce rate just out in the country. That's a lot of our churches, and especially black churches, Today, but we're not talking about it. And it's like, make that make sense, make that. Because relationships are hard. Why aren't we doing meaningful ministry to the things that impact our people in our pews?

Right?

To help you do life together, to help you parent together, to help you do relationships together, help you do ministries together. All of these things are really important. And so laughter is really important to us as we do it. We work at a really high level. Just naturally, like if it's not chaos, then I guess we don't know how to function. We don't know how to function in peace. We really don't know how to function in peace. And just really learning to sit back and laugh and just not be surprised and just helping people like that, that was the ministry of Jesus Christ, right? Like doing really practical, like miracles on real life things, right? Not this, like big things or not this. I want you as you're sitting at your desk or wherever you are at home on Tuesday. Like I say this to Justin all the time. Like, you're not going to remember the hooping and the hollering you might on, on a Tuesday, but you're going to remember like, I should not care about what they say to me about what he preached last Sunday. Or like you're gonna remember these moments in this conference. You're gonna remember the things that were said. Like, okay, let me, let me be a better communicator. Like those are the things that you, you're going to remember when it matters the most or when you need to use it. And so that's what's at the center of our lives and how we help. Help people.

It's being consistent in every area of your life, right? So this is how we talk at home, is how we talk in a car. This is. Courtney knows there's going to be moments where like I'm going to just start talking about something random and then we like really passionate about it. Like we were at Disney. Not going to lie. I had a whole dissertation in my head on the infusion of virtual reality and black churches. And I just really want this whole thing. And then like somebody at Hampton put up some. I'm just say this really quick some. This is a clip and put out. Some idiot at Hampton got up and preach that AI is demonic. And I had a whole research paper written. Then according was like why I was at the hotel. This is real life. This is real life. I was at the hotel at like 2 o' clock in the morning writing a blog about how AI is not demonic. Because I was so mad at this preacher who said this, right? And then she was like, what are you writing about? I was like, you don't want to know. She's like, what are you writing about? And for the next 45 minutes, I just laid into all the reasons AI is not demonic, how every great awakening started with XYZ. The three facts is, that's just who I am as a human being. So, like, preaching on Sunday, that's just who I am. So she knows, like, Thursday night. Hey, Court, you got a second? Yeah. Okay, so this I'm talking about on Sunday. Like, what do you think? And, like, all of this, I'm talking about like, this at 8. I'm talking about like this at 11. This is the analysis. And it's just who we are. And she'll do the same thing with me. Okay, so I'm thinking about this. What do you think? Or, okay, what are you doing right now? Nothing. Okay, so you want to go Home Depot? Like, it's just, like, stuff like that. That's who we are. And I just. I just think if you do that consistent, I don't know how to be something else. And I think what happens in a lot of relationships, even pastoral relationships, too, is they're trying to be someone else. So for me, it was probably like, seven, eight years ago where at the beginning of ministry, I was like, I'm stop. No. But five years ago, Pastor Walrud and I had a conversation. He said, man, the greatest sermons I've ever preached was when I stopped trying to preach to my colleagues and preach to my people, right? And I took that a step further, and I was like, well, I stopped trying to live for my colleagues and live. Or live for my church and live for my wife and my son. And so when I. I don't. I don't preach to go viral. I want to have a healthy church, right? So because of that, I don't. There's certain things I'll never say on the road that I'll say here because I'm. I know you all. I pray for you. I don't pray for other churches. I pray for my own church. The same thing goes to my home, where it's like, I'm gonna live for my wife and my son. And if you like it online, great. If you don't, I really don't care, because they do. And that's the. The unashamed, like, firmness. Right, that I would even suggest you guys have in your homes, too, where, like, that's Why? I say it all the time. Are you living for likes, or are you living for the people you love? Right, if you're living for likes, yeah, man. We're going to wear certain clothes, we're going to live a certain way. We're going to do certain things. But if I'm living for the people I love, then like, like. So, okay, this is. This is random. And this is. Speaks to stuff at home. So my son just finished Willy Wonka at school, right? And there's a song called the Candyman, right? The Candy Man. The candy man. I'm totally gonna say it. The candy bed. Right? And so what happened the other, like, one time Cam will come grab my clothes and, like, the back of my pants will go down a little bit and whatever, right? And so I got up on Sunday and I was like, cam, I made up a song. He's like, what? I was like, the booty crack man, right? And so, like. And so we were singing this. Yes, but that's just who we are. And so Courtney was like, don't you dare say that on a Sunday morning. And you have no clue how many times I get close to saying some of the stuff we say in our home. Like, I have remixed so many songs according to, like, do like. Like Sexy Red's recent song Rich Baby Daddy. I remixed it. And she's like, do not sing. Bust that Bible open. Let that word breathe so many different things. Bust that Bible open.

Let that word do not. Oh, my God.

But.

But that's just who we are organically, right? And so it's not a force to. To love, court or love Cam or to, you know, whatever we do after church. And there's certain firm lines we draw on the sand. Even my team, too, with you all as well. That's why. That's why I over communicate certain things. Like, oh, no, this is her birthday. I'm not working, period. You know? You know, I mean, like. Or this is my birthday. I'm not working. And it's firm lines that I draw. Hopefully as a pastor, if I'm leading people, that you draw the same things in your own relationships too. Like, geez, our pastor really, really cares about his child and he's gonna dress up like a ninja. Man. That'd be kind of cool, right? And I want to just encourage you to just be authentic, be yourselves. Because I believe when you're authentic, when you're honest with yourself, you're not lying to yourself. And too many of us lie to ourselves about who we are for the sake of Other people. I'm just. Life is way too short. And the book I'll quote, I haven't brought a lot of books out. I normally bring a lot more. Should be happy today, right? Henry Nouwen's work. Karen, now and Henry, no one's where I got the statement, be where your feet are. And he's the one who talked about we have to be here and now in our prayer and our repetition and in our heart, in our prayer lives to be in the moment. Too often our prayers are 20 years in the future. Where are you right now? How I need God right now in our hearts, where we are right now. Right. And solitude. Where we are right now. Being here and now. And Henri Nouwen is the one in this work. I read in Being in the here and now, you can see God at work in the here and now. And too often want God in 20 years and don't want God in the here and in the now. So.

Yeah, well, that's it.

Yeah. That's our podcast.

Yeah, Podcast. Thank you all for being our first live audience. I like the live podcast. Yeah, you can check us out every other Monday on anywhere that you listen to. Podcast. Do you have one last unpaid advertisement?

Oh, yeah. Unpaid advert. So unpaid advertisement is somebody who has not paid us for an advertisement, but we're gonna have an advertisement for them anyway. So my unpaid advertisement today, Fiji water. It is the only water to drink. I came in, I got upset with Michelle because I have no clue what this Icelandic stuff is. Not better than Fiji water. Fiji water is God's like, God's like when God is like, I don't know. When God cries, it bottles it up in Fiji water. And it has a little bit of dirt in it. Just like good greens, right? It has a little bit of dirt and it's just. And I just. I don't know what it is like Fiji water. And I. I've tried other waters.

It's not good.

Search all over, but it. It's nothing like Fiji water.

And then my last. My unpaid advertisement is for sister Linda Bostic.

Oh, my God.

Culinary skills.

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Hooking us up all weekend. The display has been beautiful. The appetizers in the doors yesterday were fantastic. Lunch was great. Breakfast was great. Anytime we need anything, she is down for the cause.

And so it was the hat for me today.

Today it was a hat for me today. I like, she found one of your aprons, and that's what she uses every day. So it's like, I don't know, with Pastor Justin.

Yeah. So I love Sister Linda thinks I don't know if she wears my apron. And every time she wears it, I tell her, you're wearing my apron. And she's like, you're not going to get it back for me. But then she goes to Courtney and says she doesn't know I'm wearing my. And I'm like, I just talked to her about my apron. I love it. But she cooks better. My apron because I'm chef homeboyard.

Okay.

You didn't know that?

Thank you, guys.

Thank you guys for joining. We'll see you guys next week. God bless you.