Nancy's Worst Nightmare ES70 Every Sing

Welcome to Every Sing. I am your host Nancy Bos, and this is episode 70 of Every Sing. It's taken a few years to get to episode 70, and I will say that this is the last episode of season 5. Now, I've told you in the previous podcast, I'm going to repeat myself briefly, I only make podcast episodes or a season of podcast episodes when I have a deep question I want answered, and I can research it here with you and with amazing guests and learn all about it. So Season 5 is wrapped up now with today's hopefully awesome episode— we'll see— and it's all about personal narratives, the stories that we tell ourselves. Because in order to have the courage and the determination to move forward, to reach our goals, personal narratives must be aligned in order to do it consistently. So what are these personal narratives? How do we change them? Why would we change them? Is it safe to change them? What things should we look for that maybe we didn't realize— stories from our past that are impacting our present that we didn't realize we're doing that? That's what Season 5 has been about. Creativity— is your personal narrative— I had 2 episodes on creativity in this season— is your personal narrative tied up with embracing creativity or squashing it. Chances are, if you're listening to this podcast, that it is around embracing creativity. But hey, could you do it more? And why? And would it be great for you? So today is the bittersweet ending of Season 5. And to you, my friends, my listeners, you have been so supportive, and I sincerely appreciate it. Even though I'm not making live recordings for the time being, and honestly, I don't know when I'm going to come back and do that again. Last time it was 2 years. Hopefully it won't take that long, but next time I have a burning question that I want to research, you'll be part of it here on Everything. So many of you have an entrepreneurial spirit or a researcher— researcher— ah, do my warm-ups— entrepreneurial spirit or researcher spirit that I share with you. And if I can be of any help with launching or counseling, just reach out, uh, maybe with a DM on Facebook or LinkedIn. I'm, I'm a reluctant Facebook— you know, I wonder if I should just hit stop and start over again. Let's think about this. Many mumbling mice were making midnight music in the moonlight, mighty nice. All right, I got this. We'll see how the language goes from here on out. So I'm a Facebook user, reluctantly, um, LinkedIn lover. And anyhow, now I'm going to launch into talking about performance anxiety. But first, let me tell you when and where you can find me while I take the break from everything. Number 1, join my mailing list. Now, if you're like, Nancy, I already joined your mailing list and you never send anything, As of August 2022, instead of making a podcast, I will put my time and effort into taking care of my mailing list people and sending you the things that you want to know and building community there. So join my mailing list. How does one do that? One does that going by going to nancybos.me, nancybos.me, and either the pop-up box sign up there for the, for the free booklet or go to, I think it's the contact page, and maybe the bottom of the homepage, there might be a place to sign up for my mailing list, or just DM me and say, Nancy, put me on your mailing list. Number 2, if you are on LinkedIn, I publish a newsletter on there. It's my blog posts, and those go directly to your inbox without being on my mailing list. I'd rather have you on my mailing list. I'd rather know who you are and be able to communicate with you directly but LinkedIn, go to Nancy E. Bos, that's my name there, and sign up for my newsletter. And that's another great way to stay in touch with me. You can follow me on Facebook and cross your fingers that it actually puts my posts there. I think there are ways, you probably know better than I about how to highlight somebody so that you actually get all their posts. I don't post things about my pets, I don't have pets. I don't post a lot of travel pictures or family pictures. I don't post pictures of my food. I just post things that I think might be important to you or support So you're gonna want to stay in the loop because I am just actually getting started on this personal narrative thing. Here in this podcast, you have witnessed me building the platform. Now the platform is built. Now it is time for me to take this information to the world. I mean, I already kind of have in every single— but, but we all care about the voice. Everybody listening to this podcast right now is probably interested in the voice. That's why you're here, and that's why you help me. I'm doing my best, however, to bring an understanding of voice and the power of voice to people outside of singing and speaking and acting training. We have so much awesome knowledge in this world. If you're in the world of speaking training, acting training, or singing training, you know it is stupid easy to impress somebody who's not in this world. You can drop one little nugget that we all know inside this world, and they're like, "Really? I never knew that!" You know? We got to get out there, we got to tell them. That is why I wrote the Singing 101 book, was to send that basic information out to anybody and everybody. Same with Kantar, the translation. Singing Through Change, Teen Girl Singing Guide, those are both books that are super important for singers and a lot of narrative involved there. But now I'm going to be taking the stage, talking to tech companies, businesses empowerment groups, especially women's empowerment groups, talking about the power of your voice. Now, there's lots of people who use the catchphrase "own your voice." They don't know what they mean like we do. We know as coaches and teachers in the world of voice. We know what it means to own your voice. We have all worked with hundreds or even thousands of people helping them own their voice. If I can do that from the stage and help hundreds and thousands of people all at one time and send those people to you as coaches in order to really master their voices. That's, that's my goal, to be that overarching person who says, hey, you know what, this information is available to you and you can be so much better at what you do if you can own your voice, love your voice, free your voice, and live your voice. All of those things are possible. I'm proof. Now, I'm not completely flawless or perfect in this though, and that is my first story for today's episode. On the day that this episode drops, on July 30th, 2022, I will give the most important performance so far in my life, and that is TEDx Albuquerque. Now, for those of you who have done a TEDx, you might be like, "Nah, Nancy, it's not that important." But This is as important as I choose to make it. It is important. This is the pinnacle of all of my research and work for my entire adult life. Yeah, that's happening on the day that this episode drops. So today, the day I'm recording it, 48 hours before then, 2 days before then, last night I slept like shit. Excuse my language, but I was restless. I woke up in the morning to find my pillow on the floor, my blanket on the floor. Let's see, I know I woke up at 3:30 and I woke up at 4:30. It was just, it was a bad night. 6:30, my body sent me all the wake-up signals, which basically is warming me up and getting me ready for the day. And yet I thought, you know, I haven't had enough sleep. Let's just see if I fall back asleep. Oh, big mistake. Because maybe it's good, maybe it's good. Actually, it wasn't a mistake. It was an opportunity. So from 6:30 to 7:30, I had a dream that I remember very clearly. And the reason I'm going to tell you about my dream is it because it, it's because it directly relates to personal narratives, performance anxiety, and the message that I share with you. And I hope that me sharing this story of my dream— never done that before— actually helps you in some way. If you run into something like this too. So first, the setup. I already told you I feel like what's going to happen on Saturday, July 30th, 2022, is the most important performance that I have given so far in my life. You already know that I suffered from stage fright for years and years and years and years until I was 35 when I really tackled it and got over this stage fright thing. So the dream. The dream was anxiety about the TED Talk, and my mind threw everything at me that could go wrong. Sounds great, right? Except that it didn't resolve it in a possible positive. It resolved it in a puddle on the floor, broken-down mess. I had to resolve it on my conscious own when I woke. So here's the mess. Here's the mess. The actual TED Talk is supposed to happen. It will happen on a beautiful stage with a black velvet curtain, a fourth wall spotlight, 300 people in the audience. It's going to be an ideal performance environment for something like this. Just fabulous, actually. In my dream, in my dream, I was waiting in the classroom with all the other speakers. I was third up, which I know I'm third on the stage that day. And the second act was this tedious, monotonous mom and her 3 kids singing songs that they made up and going on for 20 minutes. This is all in my dream. And it was like 15 minutes into their act and I had forgotten that I was next. And I was chatting away with people, not paying attention, not memorized. Of course, that is definitely part of this dream, is like, oh shit, I was supposed to spend the last 20 minutes learning my speech. Yeah, 20 minutes. So It's now 4 minutes until I have to go on. I'm not memorized. I run to the green room. The family before me finishes up and I look around the curtain and I see what we're actually in is just a big room, like an elementary school gymnasium. Everybody's sitting in folding chairs. There's maybe 80 people there. Oh, that's not what I thought it would be. I go take my place. The person who's supposed to introduce me forgets to introduce me, so I have to introduce myself. I start to talk and realize I have no idea what I'm saying. I don't remember how to start, so I stumble around for a little while forgetting my words when the janitor in the hallway right outside decides this is the perfect opportunity to play vocal jazz on the speaker system. So now I'm bumbling through my talk that I've forgotten while vocal jazz like Ella is competing with me on the speaker system. So I'm like, excuse me, excuse me, audience, I'm going to pop outside for just a second. I pop out and tell the janitor, please no more vocal jazz. So what does he do? He switches to rock vocals. Okay, no. So I pop out there again. I'm like, if you have to play music, can it just be instrumental, please? And okay, he can do that. So it's instrumental and then the song ends and it's silent. I breathe a sigh of relief, but I'm still trying to remember my speech. You know what happens next? Right outside my room, a gospel church service starts up. Right there! At this point, about half of my audience leaves. They're just gone. Then there are two small children from the front row who come forward and decide to sit at my feet. Fight right there while I'm trying to give my talk. I lose another half of my audience. I'm down to maybe 20 people. Now there's a little 4-year-old boy who comes up from the audience, sits with the other 2 at my feet. With every sentence I say, he's like, "Oh really? What does that mean? Can you give me an example? Why? Why? Why?" I was so flustered, and by this time I am down to 6 adults in the audience. You know, they are all the parents of the children sitting at my feet. And I say, "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. I can't do this." I'll record it later. If anybody wants a copy of the recording, just email me and I'll send it to you. And I go back into the green room and the dad of the 4-year-old follows me back there and says, you just failed so bad and you're blaming it on my son? My son feels so badly that you just like walked away from him without answering his questions. How dare you do that? And that's when I woke up. With guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, trauma. Holy shit, I think I'd better say I caught COVID and not go on Saturday, right? Oh my gosh, if I catch COVID in the next 2 days, y'all can call me out on it. I could not believe it, and I sat in that fear and anxiety, I don't know, for a little while, 5, 10 minutes, before I'm like, wait a minute, This is my expertise. I had no idea that I could still pop up with my subconscious traumatizing me like that, holding me back, limiting me, putting me in fear and anxiety. I'm sorry, but that's what my frickin' TED Talk is about. And I got attacked. I got attacked in my dream this morning. Wow. Wow. So I'm telling you this story to let you know that just because you have this knowledge in your conscious brain, it doesn't mean you aren't going to have to fight it sometimes to look it in the eye and say, "Stop. You're wrong." So here's how I did that. I started with asking, "Is it wrong? Is the dream wrong?" Well, yes, Because actually none of those things could happen in this environment except for me forgetting my words. Nothing that happened there could actually happen in this TED Talk. The venue is booked, the tickets are sold, there are going to be no children running up on the stage. Okay, what if other bad things stuff, you know, phone rings, kids, whatever? You know what, I've dealt with that before. This is not a thing, it's not going to be a problem. Okay, fine. So everything about that was complete bullshit. So what's left? What's left is this flooding of hormones of stress, which I need to figure out how to get rid of, how to relax, get in a calmer place. And then the other thing that's left is, are you memorized? And the answer to that is, 48 hours ahead of my TED Talk, no, I am not memorized. So I think I just have, aside from recording this podcast, one thing to do today, and that is to get totally, totally, totally off-book kids asking me questions off-book. I might like go to a park and just start giving my speech and see who listens, or ask somebody walking down the street if they've got a spare 8 minutes. I don't know, but I am gonna have to put myself under some pressure with this. And make sure I've got that puppy memorized. That is one thing I can control. It's one thing I can do. And then here's what I know: I made up the speech. Everything in that speech comes from my knowledge and my head, right? If I screw up and forget the words, I can just make up more because I'm not making it up. I can just tell it a different way. If I forget those words and I screw up, I can just tell it in a different way, in my own words, in that moment, and it'll be the same message. And if anything, it'll be more authentic. Wow. Okay, so that, that is, that is my cautionary tale, my tale of warning to you that yeah, you can redefine your personal narrative so you no longer have stage fright. I have done that. I am living proof of that. When people say Oh, if you're not nervous, then you're not in it. You know, that's not true. I don't believe that a bit. I believe if you're not excited, you're not in the game. Take that word nervous and conquer it. Own your excitement. If you are indeed nervous, which includes fear and anxiety, then you have stuff to deal with. Now I have stuff to deal with. I have stuff to deal with. I need to make sure that my parasympathetic nervous system is totally there with me today so that I can relax, heal, reduce the anxiety, sleep well tonight and the next night, go on the stage calmly with confidence knowing I got this, I'm a badass, I'm killing it, we are killing it, all of us in the voice world together. We all brought ourselves to this point where we get this TEDx talk about the power of voice. Ah, yeah. All right. So another thing that I said that I was going to talk about in this last episode was my journey through performance anxiety. I've really, that's what my TED Talk is about. And by September of 2022, that will be available. I don't wanna be redundant right now and repeat all that, but let me just say that my personal narratives, my stories, The things that I believed about myself were formed by a series of small traumas that just piled up on top of each other, along with a somewhat confusing culture and heritage about the role of women, the role of taking the stage, humility versus having the spotlight on you, encouraging, you know, culture encouraging you to stand up and sing a solo, but don't, you also have to have humility and don't think that you're different or better, stand out from the rest of us. There's very confusing message there. What is the goal of singing was part of my journey, and what I had to come to was that my purpose comes through me, not from me. I have been given a purpose. I have been given a heart and a spirit message that tells me why I am here, how I can help the world be a better place. I think all of us feel that our heart and spirit wants us to help other people. Let's say, okay, what do you want to do with your life? I want— I don't know, but I want to help people. Yeah, that's, that's pretty much true for all of us who are moral conscious human beings. And your job is to figure out what your heart and spirit is telling you is the vehicle for you to make the world a better place and to help people. I know that my job— because I know this because I've heard this message from my heart and spirit so many times since I was 20 years old is to speak to people about their voice and help make a better life for them. It's only in the last few years that I've realized how to do that, but I'm ready. I'm ready. So you go out there, you find out what message your heart and spirit wants you to put forward, and start now. I had a woman talk to me at the NATS conference in Chicago about when she should write her first book. What finger am I? That book right there, Singing 101. I wrote that when I was 35 years old. And what business did I have at 35 telling the world how to sing? Well, it turns out I was telling a story that only 35-year-old Nancy could tell. If I wrote that book now, it would probably be really, really different. So I'm really glad that I just put pen to paper took the risk and wrote it when I was 35. So that's what I'd say to you, is create now. Create now. The you that you are right now is the only time that you will be this you, and the only time that you'll have this particular energy and this particular perspective and this particular passion and knowledge. So take what you are ready to put out there and do it. Take a look at your personal narratives. If they are limiting you, why? What is stopping you? You have a purpose in this life. You were put here to make the world a better place, as were we all. And if we don't do that, the world does not become a better place because of the actions that we don't take. That's on us. That's the burden. I think that's a pretty good place to wrap it up for episode 70 of Every Single Season 5. I am your host, Nancy Bos. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Now, normally I close the podcast with the singing blessing, but today I want to close it with something a little different. This is a reminder that comes across my phone every single week. It is from Ellen Morgan's TED Talk, TEDx Talk, and she says Remember the person who has faith in you. If you can't believe in yourself, believe in their belief in you. I'm going to read that one more time. Remember the person who has faith in you. If you can't believe in yourself, believe in their belief in you. I believe in you. I believe that every person listening to this podcast, including you, has the ability to make the world a better place. There are hurdles that come from our own mind, dreams while we're sleeping apparently, that want to stop us. We get one life. Enjoy the ride. Have the courage. Do the thing. Do the good. And live out what you were meant to do. If not for yourself, then do it for others. Thank you everyone. I'll see you sometime down the road. Bye-bye. Go down to Sasha's fun. Maybe we'll stop and stay a while. Oh baby, if you got the time.