The Mentor's Mindset: Lorraine on Overcoming and Thriving

for those who don't know Lorraine, Lorraine is a leadership and mentor coach, and today we're going to be talking a little about her life experience and getting some tips from her, which I'm really, really excited about on this podcast. So welcome, I'm so happy to have you here. My name is Nas Vou, um, from Do It Digital Marketing. So I'm really excited to jump into with it with you today, Lorraine. So let's dive straight in. First of all, how are you?

I'm really well. Yeah, I'm going really well. No, it's great to be here. Thank you for having me on as a guest. Appreciate it.

So welcome. We're, we're happy to have you. So, um, we're going to talk a little about your life experience, talk about some tips and tricks and things that you've learned along your journey. So if you could go back in time and give yourself Give your 20-year-old self some advice about life and business and career and just about anything really. I want to keep it nice and open. What would you say? What would you say is something that you would want to give yourself some advice looking back on your journey?

That's such a great question, especially with the type of work that I've been doing recently. I get a lot of young people coming and asking me things about their career and life. And I think knowing what I know now, I wouldn't give myself advice. I would— Nice. If I got the chance to go back and chat to my 20-year-old self, and I'm laughing thinking about who I was as a person back then, I know the benefit of mentoring and the type of coaching I do is to not give people advice, is actually to help people think for themselves and really get to the core of who we are inside. So whether you're 20 or 40 or 50 or whatever age you're at in life, it's, um, how much do you really honor who you are inside? I ask myself that on a daily basis now. Right. And anyone that comes to me As a young person, it's very much about asking them, what do you want? What do you want to do? What do you want out of your life? And helping them explore the dream that they maybe had as a kid, or that thing that they've put to the back of their mind because no one supported them as a young kid. And now at 20 or whatever age they're at now, it's okay. Is that dream possible? Could you actually set a goal for yourself and try to progress? For me, as a 20-year-old, I had a lot of big ideas, and I'm proud to say that one of them was moving to Australia. I grew up in Scotland, and I now live here. So, whatever was happening for me back then, I was able to make that happen. And I'm excited for the people that I get to meet now, where they may have that big dream, where Family may not be on your side. They may not want to support that big move, or maybe they do, but they just don't have the tools or the skills to help you get there. So, the big piece here for me in answering this question, such a great question, is maybe not be so quick to give advice. Like, I don't give people advice. I help them think for themselves and really get to the core of what it is they want to do.

I love that. That's, that's a really different perspective actually, and I wasn't expecting that answer. I mean, I didn't know what to expect. I think maybe I'll reframe because I, I love what you said there, and it's, it's so cool because like you could imagine your 20-year-old— I mean, I could imagine my 20-year-old self and trying to give myself advice, but like, shut up. You know what I mean? Like there could be that little bit of like, you know, I don't need— you know, the 20-year-old. Maybe that's just me, maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm projecting that's every 20-year-old, but I'm curious, like, um, instead of giving them advice, what would be the— what would be the question you would want your 20-year-old self to reflect on? Because as a coaching— as it— from a coaching perspective and a mentor, if you think the advice wouldn't work and you want them to nurture and, um, have what you said about pursuing their goals and giving them support and encouragement, what question would you ask them to reflect on?

Question would be around what, what lights them up, what fires them up, what are they passionate about? Like what— I had a 21-year-old that I worked with for a little while, a couple of weeks, and he was at the point of making a decision as to what he did next. Just finished uni and he didn't really know what he wanted to do. And what we got into through a very brief conversation was where he was headed was so far away from what he loved doing. It was almost like he was doing what other people expected of him and what other people thought was good for him. And so often as a young person, we can be guided by people around us who are full of great advice where they say, you know, let's aim for a job that's secure and gets you lots of money and, you know, you'll have that for life. However, it may be really far away from that creative piece that you really want to go after, but no one in your family's done it. That certainly was my background, is that the entrepreneurial skills that I have now, that I recognize now, my immediate family, they weren't pursuing that. None of my parents owned a business or went after a business. But if I look back, my grandparents did. Like, um, you know, my gran was a director in a business, and my grandfather ran his own business on my dad's side. So, it's, it's when you don't have those examples around you, it can be— Oh, wow. tough to have a vision as to, to, um, what you want to do and have the confidence to go after it. So, having someone around you that can act as a mentor or a coach who can help you really grasp that vision that you might have in your mind and take that next step. So, it's if you've got a dream or something that you, you really get fired up about, what would the first step be that you want to take? Um, this 21-year-old I was chatting to had a real desire to be a consultant, but he but he'd never spoken to anyone who'd done consultancy, so it was quite far away for him. We had a very quick conversation, and he's now pursuing further education to really hone in on those skills that he would need to be a consultant. And he's smiling all the time, you know, it's like, oh wow, this is possible. So, just being able to ask that one question about what's the first step you would take towards that thing that really gets you excited. And To really, yeah, to embrace it and think it's possible and have a vision to go after it. That's the, um, that's the kind of thing I would be asking.

I love that. I love that you're thinking around— from what I'm hearing you say, you're thinking around what lights you up, what, what's your dream, what's your passion, and, uh, trying to pull on examples, trying to get people around you. Because as a 20-year-old, you probably don't have that many mentors potentially, uh, for the, for the, for the average 20-year-old, they probably don't have that many people that they're inspired by potentially. So I guess it's what you're— what I'm hearing you say is like, well, what lights you up? What's important to you? And how do you find people around you you can surround yourself with who believe in you, who trust you, who can support you along that journey? I love that. It's amazing. Thank you for sharing. It's really great insight. So tell me a little bit about a time that you faced a significant failure or challenge, like kind of shifting forward now, and you can be at any moment. And what were some specific strategies or mindset shifts did you use to overcome it? I'm really curious.

Yeah, that's a good question because as we know, You can't have success without failure. You need the the learnings when things don't turn out the way you want them to, and probably the biggest one for me would be my marriage ending. It's not always a great topic. People don't always embrace it. However, it's definitely one that is up there for me as my biggest challenge, and the mindset shifts. Being someone who's very loyal and committed and I was very sure I was on the right track. The mindset shift was about my kids, the people who relied on me. So that, I mean, it doesn't have to be limited to someone who's got kids or who's, but even just part of a family, or if you're running a business, your staff, there are people who rely on you, and there's people who depend on you. I was on my own journey with that challenge and experienced some mental health challenges that I'd never thought was gonna happen to me. I always believed mental health happen to other people, you know, that the— and I suddenly realized that we all have mental health. We all have, um, a level where we're sitting with how we feel and how we can cope with life, what kind of strategies we have in place to get us through life. And one of my main coping strategies has always been exercise. I've always been into sport. I've always done, um, some kind of individual activity, be it running or swimming, and When I was going through that real tough time, um, I had a counsellor who had said to me, do your exercise, get outside, get outdoors, reconnect yourself with nature. Yeah. And it was a really healing thing for me to recognise that it was a natural coping strategy for me anyway in life. And, um, being able to just understand that even though my motivation was low, my energy levels were low, Just chucking my runners on and getting outside actually helped to just boost everything about me, from what was going on in my head through my body, and really have that endorphin rush that helped me to just reset each day and take on whatever was coming throughout that day. So that was definitely one of the strategies that I embraced. And the other one I've said already about people who depend on me, when I talk about the decision that I made, it was about the kids needed me to be okay. A lot of the time when I hear people going through a challenge like this, the decision that they made, and there's no right or wrong, everyone has their own story, is that—

We'll see how—

They want to wait until a certain point in time. So when the kids are old enough where they can handle the decision, and that wasn't working for me because I recognized with what was going on, with the environment that was happening at the time. There was a lot of arguments, a lot of disagreements. I felt that environment wasn't going to be healthy, and so it was about me getting myself to a better place. And so, um, the decision to end things and create a healthier environment was actually about everyone else, but it was also about me being able to— Um, that's worked for us. Like, even though I'm divorced and I've got 3 kids who are now— my eldest turns 15 on Saturday. We have a birthday weekend coming up, um, you know, things are a lot healthier. Like, we, um, I've got an amicable relationship with their dad, and it's been the right choice. And so it's, uh, taken a lot of work and a lot of investment and tuning into those feelings. But whenever you've got that situation that happens that you're not expecting that really affects us on an emotional level, it's important to get in tune with who we are as a person and what we need, as well as thinking about everyone else. I mean, there's, there's There's a quote that we'll get a lot where, um, they'll tell us this on airplanes, uh, you've heard this, Nas, you know, fix your own oxygen mask first before you help others. And that's something that's really, uh, been important for me on this journey, that we've got to make sure we're okay in order to be there for those people who depend on us the most.

And for you, was about not waiting. I mean, I think there's something interesting you talked about there, is like a lot of people kind of kick the can down the road, thinking, well, if I could just get to— in this case, the kids are 18, or until the kids have left, or if I could just— I guess in a relation to a business, if I can just, you know, um, if I can just survive a little bit longer when everything's really tough and really painful, instead of making what I like about the way you've phrased it and your experiences go, no, I, I can't. You kind of get to that point where like, no, I can't. Do this because this is going to create an unhealthy environment. This is going to be more detrimental. It's going to be really difficult now and the next however many— it must have been a year, years thing, right, for you? I, I could only imagine going through that divorce and having challenging conversations, but you decided to do it then and there versus procrastinating or waiting until a better time, you know, a more convenient time. So what, what was your thought process during that? Like, I'm really curious. I, I can assume, but what, what thought process did you go through there? What was, what was, what was the driving force behind that?

I think, um, again, everyone has their own journey with this type of experience. I was surrounded by other people who had gone through the same sort of thing, and I was starting to notice no one had made the same decision. There was no consistency. So the thought process was really bringing it back to, what do I need right now? And that was tough. It was tough because I recognize— I can see now I was the type of person who would externalize those decisions and make everyone else responsible for what I should be doing. So I would talk to family, I've talked to friends and work colleagues and say, oh, what should I do? And make my decisions based on that. But I think with the, the importance of what I was choosing, having been married for— I've been in a relationship for 17 years and I've been married for 13, and it was 5 of us involved. Wow. The devastation of that was overwhelming for me. It was, I can't make this decision because it's not just about me. I'm going to destroy 5 people's lives. In the early stages, that's, that's how I felt. And as I walked through that whole experience, probably over a period of, um, 3 to 4 months, I started to realize, no, in order for everyone else around me to be okay, I have to be okay. And I, I really didn't feel okay. There was, there was the way I describe it then was there was parts of me inside that felt like I was broken. There was, if you can imagine, like, uh, I look at it as like clockwork, so like, uh, um, the internal cogs of a watch. Um, it felt like a few of them had popped out and I wasn't working properly. In order for those cogs to be picked up and put back in and for everything to be working okay again, I recognized it was me that needed to get fixed. I had to work on me. I needed to do that work and do it in a way where my kids felt safe and they didn't feel, you know, like mum and dad were shouting at each other all the time, which is what was happening. And not everyone's in that situation. I wanna say that, like, I've come across a lot of couples who have gone through something similar and some of them managed to stay together and work things out amicably where the decision is delayed. And that's all right. It's not a judgment piece here, but I just know it wasn't gonna work for us. And so I chose to go through all of that pain straight up. And, um, again, it's like, rightly or wrongly, we've come out the other side and, um, things are a lot better than what they were, you know. It's, uh, it's not what you plan for, you know. When you walk down an aisle and say I do to someone, it's— you don't think about ending everything. Um, But yeah, after 7 years of going through a lot and having some tough conversations and watching my kids grow through the experience, yeah, I can definitely say it's been the best thing, best thing that's happened.

It would have taken a lot of courage to go through that whole experience and persistence and just the ability to decide what's best. I really, really Really like that. I really resonate with that in different areas for sure. So interesting. Tell me a little bit about, I mean, I think books and knowledge, I was an avid reader from a, not as young as I would like to say, but the books have definitely had an impact on my life. I remember being at a very young age starting to read. Um, in my teens, I should say late teens. So what books or books— what book or books— is there a specific book or books have you gifted most to other people? And if, if so, why? And maybe it's a, maybe it's a book, maybe it's a course, maybe it's some piece of information, but what, what books have had influence on you and what have you, uh, gifted to other people most?

It's a great question. I'm a complete bookworm. I've been a reader since I was a young girl. So yeah, thank you for asking this one because it's such a beautiful question in terms of gifting. It can be simply sharing a story from a book or actually giving someone a book to say, hey, go have a read of this. And I'm not really sure which one you were looking for, but I can have a crack at the answer if that's cool with you.

Yeah, go for it. It's open.

Yeah, like, um,

please.

I'm probably a romantic at heart. Like, one of my favorite books as a young teenager was, um, F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. I just loved the complete, you know, creativity and imagination and the kind of, um, fantasy piece, mystery piece of Gatsby and who he was and the fantastic parties he would throw for all of his guests. Do you know this one? Have you heard of this book?

I, I've heard— I've, uh, I haven't read it. I have heard of it.

Yeah, you've ever seen the movie or— yeah, it's like, um,

I saw— but yeah, I saw the movie was cool, but the book would— I'm sure the book is always more imaginative and expressive. So please.

Yeah, yeah, one of those prescribed texts from high school that I just fell in love with. Like, I read it like 10 times over, just, um It ignited something in me around imagination and creativity. I've always been creative. I used to write poetry as a young kid. And one of the books now that I gift is the one that I've been published in, having written a chapter in a co-authored book, which was the start of a dream of mine to write and be published. And so I've been able to gift that story. It's quite early. My journey as an author. It was really fun to do, and the kind of theme of the chapter that I've written is around 3 selves. So the, um, the book that I'm published in is part of a series. The series is called Stories from the Heart. It was put together by a coach called Lisa Evans. She's a speaker coach. She helps people to speak from stage, and The book I was lucky enough to be part of was the 3rd in a series called Tales of Change. It came out just around 2020, just before COVID hit, and we had a launch event where I got to speak from stage. But 3 selves— there's an author called Mark Manson who speaks about this, and there's many others that will talk about it. And it's that concept of who we are at our core and then who we are when we're around people we would class as friends or people that we would meet on a regular basis, and then there's the outside layer where it's people we might meet in a shop or for the first time, and really thinking about the types of conversations and intimacy that we might have at those 3 different levels. And my story is a kind of imaginative take on that where I have a dream and I'm observing myself in third person going through this dream. So it's all about those moments in our life where we may say out loud or feel like we've lost who we are. And that was certainly part of my journey where I didn't know who I was. When I was at that point of deciding to end my marriage, I was being rather passive in decision-making and I'd lost that fire, that passion that we spoke about in the first question. And definitely a big part of my journey and what I like to share with clients now is how to get back to that core and be really true to who I am and speak from a place of truth. And there's a lot of lip service given to the terms of being authentic and really being able to be honest in how we communicate and do it in such a way where we're also aware of the other person receiving what it is we want to say. So it's not necessarily just being selfish or speaking openly where we're being judgmental or critical of someone else. Being authentic is not that. It's so much more. It's more about going after our purpose in life and really showing up in a way where we can help others and serve, much like you're doing tonight, Nas, with this podcast. So it's being able to share experiences, share whether they're going through a tough time or just be heard in a way that perhaps no one else in our life is able to do for them. Um, that's definitely been part of my journey, and, um, I'm excited to say that a lot of that's been captured in my own book that I hope to publish in the not too distant future, where I get to share a lot of what we've talked about in this, this recording, um, through a snapshot in time where I look at where I was at, say, around 2018 and up until that period of time around 2020, and really talk about what was going on for me and how I felt. But the biggest piece, the biggest piece being how did I get where I am now, like, and really helping other people, um, just get a glimpse of what that may look or sound like and, uh, see whether I can't help someone else that might be feeling a similar way.

Love it, love it. I can really feel the authenticity coming through, and I'm very excited to see that book and read that book when it's released. So, um, I really love the way you, you really, uh, provided a journey and an insight all the way through to how you got to doing what you're doing today, because I, I see overlaps very much so in where your journey's been and how you've even to the influences you have. And I've really gotten to learn a lot about you that I didn't know, even though I've known you for quite a long time. So I'm really, really thankful that I've understood you better and you've shared your knowledge and your story a lot more. So thank you so much for coming on. Uh, I've really enjoyed chatting with you. And, um, yeah, we'll definitely get that book. And potentially when it's ready and it's ready to launch, we can have you back and we can, we can talk about it in a much more deeper, uh, setting. So I would love that if you're, if you're open to doing that.

Oh, I'd love to. Thank you. Yeah. That'd be, that'd be an honor. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much for coming. We've hit our time, so let's catch up in the near future. And thanks once again.