Ep #176: Transactional Networking: Attachment vs Commitment

Welcome to the Get a Six-Figure Job You Love podcast. This is episode 176, Transactional Networking, Attachment Versus Commitment. Stay tuned. Welcome to the Get a Six-Figure Job You Love and Thrive podcast, where I, Natalie Fisher, am teaching you weekly how to land your premium role that you love and thrive in it. Let's go. All right. A lot of stuff that comes up is around this topic. And so I've got several things to share on it, and we're gonna dive into that today. And I also wanted to mention that I'm having a lot of fun in the Facebook group for my latest challenge. If you hadn't heard about that, I'm doing this identity challenge. It's only $100. It's a 2-week pop-up Facebook group, and you can join it at any time. Even if you join after it's done, you'll still get access to all the lives I'm doing and the whole new curriculum that I made for it. You can get it anytime. So even if this podcast is airing after it's done, you can still get access to all of it. But it's amazing. And I just wanted to say how much fun I'm having with all of you in there and all the participation and the live questions. And I'm actually considering that Facebook groups are such a good way to connect. They're so much more versatile than LinkedIn. And I, right now my community has a LinkedIn group and I'm seriously considering transitioning it over to Facebook because it's just so much more interactive. There's so much more available there to do in the Facebook group and has so much more functionality. And, but anyways, that's sidetracked from what I wanted to talk about today. So we're talking about attachment versus commitment and the difference between those 2 things and something called transactional networking, which go hand in hand. together, they're kind of the same problem. Transactional networking is attachment. It's like when you're attached. So I'm going to get into that. And so the thing that we have trouble reconciling as humans with our brain is like, yes, we want to make this outcome happen. We're working towards this outcome. We're creating it with our minds, with our mindset, and we're taking the action, but we don't want to get attached along the way because that slows us down. But we're human and sometimes we do get attached, right? And I use dating analogies. Some people don't like that, but I do. I think they're really powerful and they help illustrate the point. So I probably will use a few dating analogies in this episode. So the problem that I see the most, like the overarching problem, is getting attached to like one single opportunity. Okay? So like, so transactional networking, that's what it is. We know that that's what's happening when you're becoming attached or when you're becoming like really hopeful for one single opportunity. So you're like getting super excited for this one single opportunity to the point where that's all you're focusing on. You put all your energy, all your effort into there, and you're like, I'm going to be so disappointed if I don't get this, right? If you're honest with yourself, you're going to be like, I'm going to be so disappointed if I don't get this. And first of all, there's no judgment. It's a very human thing to do, but it's basically like saying, is he the one? Are we going to get married? Like on the first, like without, before even meeting the person. So if like you read a job description and you're like, oh my God, I'm so excited about this. I can't wait. I wonder if they're the one. Like we're probably going to get married just by looking at their dating profile. Okay. Just by looking at the job description or the company website. That's more like attachment. And that is normal and makes sense for us to do, but it's not serving the long-term goal because truth be told, we have no idea yet. We don't even know if we like it. We don't know if there's gonna be red flags. We don't know what's going on. And that's what I see people doing a lot. They'll just be like, oh my God, it's so perfect. The salary is perfect. The location's perfect. The website, everything they said on the website just totally aligned with me. And here's where you have to say, Yeah, that's what I know now. And with that information, that sounds great. Let's see. I'm open. I'm curious. You want to be in that phase and not jump into the imagining your future together thing yet. Not yet. Not until that's serious and there's like a ring or an offer, right? So the difference between transactional and non-transactional networking is when we're not attached to any one given opportunity. Okay. So the difference is, is when say you go for a chat with somebody or you set up a coffee with somebody and instead of being in the mindset of, oh, I'm open, I'm curious, I'm seeing how I can help them. I'm seeing if we're aligned. I'm seeing if there's any synergy here, just open, curious, have no idea what's going to happen in a positive, neutral space. You're more in the space of, okay, they're going to refer me to a job. How am I going to get them to refer me? How am I going to get them to do something for me that I need right now? How is this particular conversation going to lead me to a job? Right? That's the equivalent of going on a first date and being like, where's my ring? Are you planning on getting married? No, no ring. Okay. Yeah, this isn't going to work. And then saying, what a waste of time. This doesn't work. Dating doesn't work, right? And doing that a few times, right? And saying— and this is an extreme example. I like to use extreme examples because they drive the point home, even though I know you're not doing this specifically. But if you're doing like, if you're, if you kind of have a little bit of that mindset, it's going to repel people away. It's missing the entire point. Of networking, connecting, doing a process or doing a strategy like this. It's totally defeating the purpose of it and it's just making you frustrated. So if you, if you were to sit down with every person you went on a date with and all you were thinking of was, where's the ring? Are they planning to get married? Do they wanna have kids? Is there a future here? If they were doing that from the very beginning, then it would, then that person would more likely get scared away. Right. And so, and even if you're like, I'm thinking, yeah, I met my partner and he was very clear on what he wanted and everything, but we didn't go into that on the very first date. We weren't like, oh, this is, you know, we were very much open to get to know each other because there's also a thousand other people that want to get married and want to have kids, but it's like not all of those are going to be right. Right. So those are Things that you get to, you want to get to them fairly recently in the beginnings of the relationship, but not like be attached to the one person who you think that is, right? It's more like that is the outcome. That's the outcome I'm committed to overall, holistically. That's the outcome I'm working towards. That's the outcome I'm imagining, focusing on, working on bringing together. And I'm very clear on that. But there is absolutely no pressure on this person in front of me to deliver that outcome to me. They're not responsible for that outcome. The holistic outcome is what I'm going for. And I know that that's coming together and that's the belief, right? That's the belief you work on strengthening and creating for yourself every day, but it has nothing to do with the individual people that you may come in contact with or that you might reach out to. So that's the big difference is you're committed to the final outcome that you've set for yourself. But you're not attached to the individual actions or the individual people that you might speak to that may or may not deliver that outcome for you or be a building block or appear like they're a building block in building that outcome for you. Okay? So that's essentially the difference. Why we get attached? Because it's easier to get attached. That's the easier thing because our brain says, oh, this could be it. Then we could be done. Then we could have it and we could just be done and we can forget about continuing on. And now, you know, life is going to change. It's going to be way better. It's done, right? It wants to move on to the next thing. It wants to be, because it doesn't want to be in the process. It doesn't want to be in the hard parts. It doesn't want to be in the uncomfortable parts. So it's easier to stay attached. And then how we try to cope with this attachment is we try to say, okay, well, maybe I should follow up again. Or when should I follow up? Start second-guessing when we should follow up, how many times we should follow up, what we should say, thinking, is there anything I could say that would make them like me more? Is there anything I could do to make them change their mind or lean more towards me? We start trying to interfere with the outcome and try to manipulate the outcome and doing it from a place of actioning. way through from an energy of attachment. And that does not work. It's kind of like saying, okay, well, I went on a date with this guy. He was really great. It's been 3 days. He hasn't called me. I've already texted him like a couple times. He hasn't gotten back to me. Maybe I'll text him again. Maybe I'll call him 10 more times. That's not going to make it speed up. It's not going to make the outcome any better, right?

Yet

we somehow think it will when we're in that energy of attachment. And we know we're in the energy of attachment when we're very fixated, very focused on that one thing or that one person. And we keep thinking about them and we keep asking ourselves, what could I do? How could I do it better? And, and we're sitting and waiting. So that's a big one. People will say, I'm just waiting. It's a wait and see. And it's like, No, you should be long down the road by now. The metaphorical down the road. If they want to come chase you down the road, they will. And I heard something that really struck me. It's like if they wanted to, they would. I'm a very big believer on if they wanted to, they would, and that a no response is actually all the response you need, and you are responsible. For managing your own feelings and bringing them with you and being like, okay, like the faster you can move forward, the better. They can always chase you down the road. And that's ideally what we want. That's how you become in demand, right? You never become in demand by sitting there and waiting, waiting for them to call you back, strategizing how you could get them to call you back, right? None of that works. But counterintuitively, we think somehow it makes a difference. Or we think somehow it could move things in our favor when actually it repels people away. So it really just doesn't work. And then what's created is lack of action in the new direction, lack of pivoting, lack of evaluating what didn't work. Like we don't focus on what we need to, to get to the next step on the stairwell because we're just sitting on this one step and we won't move, right? We've got like one foot, or maybe we've got one foot on the one step and another foot on the next step, but our energy is still half Half eaten up by this one, even if you're like, "I'm still applying. I'm still applying." It's like, yeah, that means you're going through the motions because so you can say you're moving on, but you haven't really emotionally moved on, right? And so I get that that that it can be challenging. It can be like you don't want to because you're thinking, "I love that opportunity. That opportunity was everything I wanted. It had the pay. It had the salary. It had the location. I got along great with the person. That was the opportunity." But as long as you believe that, you won't want to move on. You'll keep strategizing as to what you could do better or how you could have done it better. And you won't be able to see the dozens of other opportunities that are in that league, right? You won't be able to see them because you're fixating on that one. You won't go look for them. You won't go create them. You won't be having new conversations in a new vibrant energy. You'll be stuck in that old space, right? So it creates lack of action in the new direction, right? And People fight me so much on this. They're like, yeah, yeah, but that was perfect. It's just I just need to wait now. And like I'm like, okay then, if that's what you want to do, do that, right? But then they're like, oh, I see it now. I should have listened. Oh, I get it now, right? And I've done it too. It's not like I'm innocent of this. Of course, we're humans and we get attached, and that's okay. I'm not saying anything different, but. I'm just saying you can really skip a lot of heartache. You can skip a lot of unnecessary spinning and dwelling, and you can create results faster for yourself if you were to grasp this lesson. So it's really about commitment to the end outcome, but not the specific person it comes from or the specific way that it happens, right? One quote that I love is, you can beat 90% of people by simply continuing to take action without requiring an immediate result. Because that's what creating results is. It's stacking things that don't work with the occasional thing that does in order to create the final outcome that you want. And you just build your capacity for doing that over and over. You start to see some big breakthroughs. You start to see some little wins here and there, and you can celebrate the fails too. And then you're rolling. Okay, so that's that's the alternative is refocus, realign with the end goal. Be like that's ultimately what I'm creating. That's ultimately my intention. It's not my business how exactly that happens or who facilitates it in the end. It's up to me to keep my focus on the end goal and not give up or not get discouraged or not slowed down or not sit and wait for when I'm not seeing the immediate results because we will go through our life without seeing immediate results for most things that we do. But we get to give ourselves the dopamine hits, as I call them, in achievement. So you get to decide, hey, I put myself out there and it didn't work. Go me. Like, hey, I had that conversation and that didn't go as well as I'd planned and the result wasn't what I'd hoped. Go me. Right? The alternative is just sitting and waiting for that other thing that may or may not work out. Like, people who are in demand, people who are creating results, they do not have time to sit and wait. They're not sitting and waiting, or they're not just going through the motions of something new when they're emotionally still attached to one thing. Okay? So why this works better is pretty self-explanatory, I think. And I'm like, I find it like sometimes I'm talking or I'm trying to coach someone on this and they're just like really arguing on it. Like, but, but I really like this opportunity, but is there anything else I can do? And I'm teaching this lesson that I've taught on this podcast and they're like, but is there anything else I can do? Right? And I'm like, did you not hear me? Like, we can just get so tunnel visioned in our head on these opportunities that seem perfect and That comes from scarcity. It comes from not believing that there's others out there, that there's an even better one out there. Like, we get fixated on the fact that, like, that's the perfect man, and that, like, if he doesn't want us, then we're never going to find someone like him who's as great as him. And it's not true. It's so far from the truth. I mean, how many actual companies, hiring managers, positions problems are there to solve, just like there are men or women in the world. And now with remote work and now with technology, everything is at our fingertips. Literally everything is at our fingertips. And if we're sitting and waiting for something unnecessarily, we're not sparking the ideas to create, to uplevel into even better, more unexpected, cooler opportunities. And we're not having other conversations that could be leading to those other opportunities because we're not fully in it. Like if we've got one foot on first base and one foot trying to get into second, right? It's like, yeah, we're trying to get into second, but our foot's still stuck on first because we're still kind of attached to that opportunity if we're being honest, right? So that, like, simply, hopefully these are enough examples to kind of get you into that movement phase, but this is ultimately how results are created. It's by moving forward. It's not by sitting and waiting. So, I never want to hear anybody say, I'm waiting to hear back. I'm like, I want instead, I think it would be much more useful for somebody to say, I followed up and here are my next 3 targets for who I'm going to contact and what I'm going to do next. And then just visually leave that opportunity Leave it in a box. Leave it in a box on the side of the road. And if it wants to pop up and chase you down the road, it can always do that. There is no downside to moving forward. Okay? There's literally no downside, but there's a huge downside to sitting and waiting. And we don't realize the cost of that. It's such a huge cost. Like, job search takes people so much longer because of this. Okay. Literally because of this, this is a huge time suck, energy suck. And I understand it's hard to grasp. I understand people have to go through it themselves before they learn how much time has actually been used up on someone who is never gonna get back to them, right? So the skills necessary are the awareness. The awareness here is huge because most people don't have this awareness. They think that's just how it goes. They're like, I'm waiting to hear back. Like, that's such a common phrase. I'm waiting to hear back. Yeah, I'm waiting to hear back. And it's like, why? I never want to hear someone say that. So don't wait to hear back. Just do your 2 follow-ups a week apart or whatever. If they told you you're gonna— they're gonna hear from you at this point, then message them at that point and just say, hey, I want to follow up, or whatever. But another thing I was talking to my clients about inside my program actually was you don't have time to sit and wait. And while you are sitting and waiting They think that you're just going to be available forever. They're not in a hurry, which also means you're putting out that energy that you're not in a hurry because you have time to sit and wait. So it's just kind of creating this spinning and like this, this resting period, right? Which isn't necessary to take, at least not for this reason. Okay. You need to rest for another reason, but not because you're sitting and waiting for somebody who may or may never get back to you. Okay? So, and I think I'll do another podcast on that, but it's really about the energy that you are in and the energy of now, like the energy of I'm ready to decide now on where I'm working. And that's, again, I think I'll do a whole nother podcast on that cuz that was fantastic. But when you're in the energy of now deciding moving forward, Other people will either bring you with, bring you on board. They'll sense that, or you will find the people who are. You'll match up energetically with the people who are ready now to decide, right? But you can't do that when you're sitting and waiting, when you're fixated on an opportunity. So it's it's about the end result and being committed to the end result. So the difference between commitment and attachment is exactly like what I've talked about here in the podcast. It's like. When you attach, it's normally to one specific thing. It normally feels unhealthy. It would lead to unhealthy actions like pushing more, following up more, thinking about more, investing more energy, investing more emotional time in. That's attachment. When they're not giving you anything back in return, like they've maybe given you a day when they'll follow up with you, but they haven't committed to anything. They haven't promised you a job. They haven't guaranteed you anything. That's attachment. Okay, commitment to the end result is when you feel like your actions are aligned with the end result no matter what, but they don't attach to one thing. So your actions are— so for example, you've gone to that interview, but if you're feeling committed to the end result and not attached, this is how it'll look different. Your mindset, your brain will be like, Oh, okay. I understand. That seemed like a good fit, but I don't know if it is yet. We'll see if they— we'll see if they follow through with what they said they were going to do. So if they say they're going to get back to you, let's see if they do that. Because I want to work with a company who's of integrity, who does what they say. And you can definitely ask them, like, when are you planning on making your decision? Because I'm planning on making a decision soon. And so I'm going to need to kind of know your timeline on that because I'm Need to know if we're aligned on timeline, and that will get you into the state and the and the energy of hey, I'm serious. Are you serious? You know, in a very polite way, and then that'll move you forward to be like okay, yeah, I've had my conversation with them. They know I'm serious. They know I'm in demand. They know I'm moving forward, so they'll make their decision. And if it's not aligned with my timeline right now, well, that's okay, right? But I think we make the mistake of thinking. We are the right fit for someone based on the fact that that maybe the pay is aligned, the culture's aligned, the person feels great to talk to. It went really well. But if they are not on your timeline for making a decision, or if they are not at your integrity level for getting back to you on what their decision is when they said they are not a good fit, and we make the mistake of thinking, but they were. No, they weren't. Because if they were, then they. They would've hired you. The way we know that they're a fit is if they hired you. Okay. And so, yeah, there's things you can do better next time. And sometimes there isn't. Sometimes that's totally not your fault or your responsibility. And I have lots of resources on that. The 8 Reasons Why You Get Interviews But No Job Offers is a great one. So, yeah. The difference between attachment and commitment, the skills you need, To go through this process with commitment versus attachment and the different results you're going to create. I think that's pretty obvious, the different results you'll create if you're fully working from commitment and you've wired your mind to be like, yeah, if they didn't get back to me in that timeframe, then they're not a good fit. And I mean, they can always come back to you even if you've got other offers lined up, that's fine. And then they're going to have to renegotiate because you probably have another offer. So, I mean, if you tell them, you know, hey, I'm making my decision soon, I'll be making my decision by this day, then you are kind of putting that out there that you are serious. You're in the energy of movement. Because I mean, companies just mess people around way too much. It's your responsibility to instruct them how to treat you. Okay? They have to know how to treat you by how you show up. And most of the time we show up in that space of, oh, so when are you planning on making your decision? And they say, oh, we should know by next week. We'll let you know either way. And you say, okay, no problem. And then it's just kind of blank space. Nobody knows. If you don't hear, then you don't know. And your brain's going crazy. You can actually take control of that situation. You can say, hey, you know what? I'm making my decision by the end of the week after that. And I've got some things in the works, so I'm going to need to know by then. If I don't hear from you by then, and you don't have to say that to them, but I'm just saying it's an energetic thing. You instruct people how to treat you. How would an in-demand candidate show up like that? They wouldn't just be like, okay, yeah, just let me know whenever. I'll be sitting waiting by the phone. Like, no, we don't have time for that. Okay? But that's what many of you do. And again, no judgment. Okay. I love you. I hope that was helpful today. I will see you next week. Join the challenge. It's available at any time. There's gold, gold, gold in there. If you like this podcast, you will love the challenge. It's only $100 and the material is off the charts. All right. I will see you next week. Hey, have you left me a review yet? If not, leaving me one now comes with an awesome bonus perk. I'm going to give you access to my $97 course. It's titled Eight Reasons Why You Get Interviews But No Job Offers. This course is normally ninety-seven dollars, but when you leave me a review as a thank you, I will give you access to it for free. And it's helped many professionals like you land their premium job offers and make more money just by simply going through this four-day training that I did. I received so much feedback on so many of the results just from this ninety-seven dollar training, and I'd love to give. Do that for free. So all you have to do is leave me a review on your favorite podcast platform, preferably iTunes, screenshot the review, email it to me. The details are in the show notes of the episode, and I can't wait to read your reviews and send you access to that course. 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