Ep #201: The One Thing You Don’t Need (But We All Think We Do)

Welcome to the Get a Six-Figure Job You Love and Thrive Podcast. Episode 201, the one thing you don't need, but we all think we do. Welcome to the Get a Six-Figure Job You Love and Thrive Podcast, where I, Natalie Fisher, I'm teaching you weekly how to land your premium role that you love and thrive in it. Let's go. This episode is about feedback, and the feedback is the thing that you think you need, but you don't actually need. And I'm going to give you 3 reasons why in the job hunt you don't need feedback as badly as you think. One of the things I wanted to highlight was that feedback in general is very different in the job hunt, in the circumstance of interviewing and dating in these low commitment kind of circumstances, which I'll get into, versus when you are in the job and you are working with a team, with a boss, you have a project that you have to deliver upon. That is different. The feedback talk that I would give is totally different than the one I'm going to give today. And I'm mulling over another podcast for that because feedback in the workplace is totally different than feedback in the job hunt. So the thing that sparked this episode was I'd been seeing, I saw like 3 or 4 posts in a row or something on LinkedIn about how people believe they should be getting feedback. One of them was simply, if you as a recruiter reach out to a candidate and tell them they were not selected for the role and the candidate asks you for feedback so that they can understand why they were not selected, and your response is, we just had a better candidate, that is not feedback! Obviously, there is something you are not saying, and we deserve to have the feedback so that we can know how to improve for next time. Now, I used to be— I would have been like, yes, girl, I totally agree. That's so unfair. Like, that would have been me. And I would've been super irritated by that. And this is like me with years of wisdom now after not getting feedback for a lot of things, right? And you don't get feedback. Like, I was just thinking of so many instances where I would've loved for someone to just tell me, okay, tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and then I can do it better and then I can be successful, right? And that's basically what we want, right? We want feedback that's not going to hurt our feelings too much, but that's going to be very actionable. It's going to be quick delivered, painlessly, but directly and easy for us to just implement and change the trajectory of our future. That's what we would ideally like. And that in the job hunt is not something that you're ever going to get. And I'm going to tell you why it's okay, because you don't even need it, why it's not even all it's cracked up to be. So, the first reason is because one person or one team or one culture, their opinions, thoughts, judgments, in the form of feedback about you, it doesn't mean anything about you. It says more about them than it does actually about you. Okay? So let me say that again. Somebody's opinion, somebody's thoughts, somebody's judgments put into the form of feedback about one person and how they interacted with them for a small amount of time says very little about your future or the big picture of what you're currently up against. Okay. And I have to use the dating analogy because it just works the same way here. It's like if you go on a date, the person was perfectly nice and polite. It seemed to go great on your end, but then they weren't interested in a second date and you asked them for feedback, or the most common thing to ask is, what did I do wrong? That answer is not going to help you as much as you think because for several reasons. The first one, Did you even do anything wrong? Maybe, maybe not. If you did, likely you will know because you will already have some inkling on what you'd like to do differently next time, if anything. Okay. And that is a more valuable feedback, is the feedback that you already have for yourself. Right? So if you were like, ah, I clearly forgot to talk about this thing, I obviously need to tell them about that next time. That's feedback you provided for yourself. You didn't need them to tell you that. And so, the feedback is misconstrued because we place way too much value in it. We overinflate the value of it, right? So, your feedback for yourself is always going to be more important and more valuable than somebody else's feedback, especially a person who rejected you. It's like I use the analogy of a performance. I'm like, an interview is not a performance. When we treat it like a performance, we're kind of saying, hey, I'm going to perform for you and you tell me if it was good enough or not, right? And it's kind of like saying, okay, you put on this performance and the person didn't like it. They're not going to come back and see your show again, but you're listening to what they have to say so intently so you can change it, but they're not going to come back and watch your show again. So why would you change it for them? In some cases you might want to. And that's why I say, like, in reason 3, I'm going to explain to you the difference between when you want to take feedback and when you don't, because there is a clear line as to when you don't want to take feedback, right? But most people think it's going to be like gospel. It's going to be like this thing that's going to unlock things for me. It's going to give me this very clear path and direction of where I need to go. And it's going to be the best thing that I ever got. And it's going to be like this life-changing moment. But really, it's just one person's opinion who had a short interaction with you, right? And does it really mean that much? It actually says way more about them than it ever will about you. So that's the first thing. Second, they actually don't owe you feedback. So I know we think we're entitled to it. A lot of the posts really perpetuate that. They're like, we should be able to know, like it's only fair, it's only common courtesy. They should tell us exactly why, what we did wrong and how we can improve, right? But here's the thing, they don't owe you any feedback. They don't owe you detailed specific explanations of any kind. They're legally allowed just to say no. It's a low-stakes interaction. Like in dating, when you go on a date with someone for a coffee, you do not have to go on another date with them. And you don't have to give them a whole big long explanation as to why you don't want to. You can just say, I just don't want to. It's like, yeah, it was nice to meet you, but that's okay. I don't think we need to hang out again. And you don't have to tell them why. In the same way that if you decide to decline an offer or you decide to withdraw yourself from the process, you can say the same thing. You can say, you know what? I decided that I don't think this is right for me. I don't think that this is a good fit for me and I'm moving on. So I'm withdrawing myself from the process or I'm declining an offer. You don't have to tell them why either. So that being said, let's just remove the expectations of being entitled to feedback because we're really not. And so the way that the conversation is set up, it is like dating. It's like when you are dating, you wouldn't expect to have to send long detailed explanations or sit down on a second date to explain to them Why you didn't want to go on a third date, right? It's like, it's a low-stakes interaction. And so I used to think the same way. I used to think, oh, they really should give me feedback. How am I supposed to improve? How am I supposed to know any better? Like, how am I supposed to have any perspective if I can't get their opinion? But again, I was placing way too much weight on someone's opinion who wasn't interested in me, who didn't care really about me. They had their own focus, they made their own choices, and that is okay. There's no reason to be angry or resentful towards that person because we have all the exact same powers in the world too. We do not have to give anybody feedback or explain. And I know that a lot of you are saying, yeah, yeah, but I would. I do go out of my way to do that. I do do that. Not everybody is like you, and we have to stop expecting them to be like you because they're not. And that's why you are you. That's why you have a unique set of skills and your unique personality is a good fit for some and not for others. So that's number 2. The 3rd one is you may completely disagree with their feedback and that would be totally fine. It would be almost expected for you to disagree with some of their feedback. So I think it needs to be said that as we grow up, and I'm just reading about child development because I have a 2-year-old daughter. There's a point in our lives when we're young where we just accept everything as truth. And whatever people tell us, we just accept it as that's true, and we don't even question it, right? And as we grow up, we often will do the same things. We'll just accept what we're taught in school as true. We'll accept what our teachers or our elders or our parents are saying as the truth, when later we might find out that it wasn't, but we'll just take it as truth, right? And the problem when we start doing this with feedback is we start watering ourselves down. And so let's say, for example, somebody said to you, yeah, we really loved you, but you thought you were a little bit too enthusiastic and a little bit high energy for us, and you talked quite a bit, and so we don't think that you were for us, right? So let's just say, for example, that's the feedback they gave. And you said, oh, okay, so this is what I got to do. I got to stop talking so much and I have to be a little bit less enthusiastic and just tone it down. And if you said that to yourself and then you went to another interview doing that, like implementing that feedback, then that's going to just water you down and make you into the light version of yourself instead of being like, no, that's who I am. I am enthusiastic and I am, and I do talk a lot and That's me. So if that wasn't good, if you didn't like that, then you're right. We're not a good fit. But a lot of the times you will just disagree with what they have to say anyway. And what they have to say isn't as valuable as you think for that reason. Because first of all, they rejected you. The feedback of someone who rejected you isn't all that valuable. That's why I was saying it's like when you're in a job and you're working, The feedback that your boss gives you, that's more relevant to you because you're working with this person already. You have opportunities to improve and actually share with that person and interact with that person and strengthen a relationship with that person who you're giving and receiving feedback from. But in these low-stakes interactions, there's none of that. It's just like, okay, we weren't a good fit. That's okay. We wouldn't expect that from a date. We don't need to expect that from an interview. And also, it often is just one person. It's like one person's opinion in the whole world. We can't put so much weight on it that it changes us, especially if we don't agree with it. And then there are some situations where you will agree. You'll be like, yeah, you know what? That maybe was true. Maybe I should have talked a bit more about this, or I didn't talk about that, or yeah, that was true. And that's you deciding. So that's taking an external piece of feedback and saying, You know what? I totally agree with that. I love that feedback. I'm going to implement that feedback and I look forward to it. Instead of saying, okay, well, I guess I got to change this and this and this, even if it doesn't sit right or feel right for you. So that's the difference. You have to run it through your own mind first before you just take it. And our mind will just normally just take it. I used to, I used to take feedback and then just go and implement all of it and then be like, look, look, look what I did. Thinking to myself, well, that was pointless. That was a lot of extra work for nothing. I don't think it's really improved this at all, but I did it because someone told me to do it. Right. Right. And just looking back, and this is why I'm sharing all this now, because I'm like, I implemented a lot of feedback that I actually didn't think was very good feedback. And my brain was actually smarter than the person giving the feedback, but I didn't even give it the credit for that. I was just like, okay, well, that person, they're in a higher position. They said to do that. They must know what they're talking about. And my brain was thinking, I don't really think that's very efficient. I think if we did this, this, and this, it would be a lot faster. I would be done. And then I actually should be allocating my energy over here. But I didn't even listen to myself. So that's why I'm like, listen to yourself. So the opinions of other people don't mean truth, right? So if somebody said to you, for example, they gave you feedback and they said, even if they said to you, you don't have enough Python experience, right? And let's say they gave you that as feedback, right? And maybe that's something you can agree with, whatever. But then you're like, oh, I gotta go get another Python certification. It's like, No, that wasn't a thing that was written on a chalkboard in the sky that says that you don't have enough Python experience. That was just someone's opinion or what someone said. It might not have even been true because when we get the feedback of it's not a good fit, it's the equivalent of someone on a date saying, I'm just not that into you. And they don't say it directly. They'll say other things like, oh, I'm just working on myself right now, or I'm not ready for a relationship, or I think it's it would be better if we were just friends. They don't say, I'm just not that into you. That's what they mean, right? And there potentially was nothing you could have done to make them be more into you. It's just that they just weren't. And that's okay, right? And so in interviews, they'll just say nice things like, oh, you know, you were great, but you didn't have this, or you didn't have this. It's just a little bit of this, right? But really what they're saying is, We're just not that into you. And that's what you need to hear every time you hear a no is, we're just not that into you. Okay, great. No problem. That's okay. Like, too bad I liked you, but whatever. That's okay. So even if you did receive the feedback, you might disagree with it. You need to give yourself the opportunity to disagree with it. And in the event that you did agree with it, then great. You got some, you got a little bit of feedback that you probably could have given to yourself anyway. Right. So I learned this and I learned an important lesson with my narcissistic ex where he would always be giving me feedback constantly. Like, oh, you shouldn't do this like this. Do this like that. Oh, why are you doing like that? That's dumb. Why aren't you doing this? Right? Like, don't use that knife. That's the wrong knife. You use this, use that. Oh, don't carry that in that container. That's dumb. Carry it in this one instead. Right? Even though I'm the one doing the work, I'm the one running around doing the thing and he's sitting there telling me how to do it. So I used to be like, okay, okay, yeah, you're right, that makes sense, that's not efficient. Okay, yeah, nope, you're totally right, I'm gonna fix that. Yeah, yeah, I'm learning so much from you, like, this is great, right? And then I'm thinking, okay, so maybe you're right, maybe that is a little bit more efficient, but I like doing it this way, or I like this container better, or I like this knife better, just because it makes the experience more enjoyable for me. And I'm not so fixated on efficiency, I just want to have fun doing it. So I'm gonna Do it my way and it's going to get the same result and it's going to be fine. So now that's how I would think. And I would tell my partner that now. He might give me a more efficient way of doing something and I might say, yeah, you know what? You're totally right about that, but I don't want to do it that way because I want to do it this way because it makes the experience more enjoyable for me. And he would be like, okay, cool. You do you. So it's definitely important that you give yourself the opportunity to have that little discussion with yourself. Do I agree with this? Do I think this is a good idea? Truly? Okay. Yeah, you know what? I think they're right. Or I think they're partially right. I think maybe they're right about this, but not about this. And so, this applies, and this number 3 part, it applies to all feedback. So, not just in the job hunt, we're talking about work feedback too. But generally, those are the 3 things. The 3 things I touched on, I'll just do a little recap. A judgment, an opinion, a thought from one person or one team, one organization isn't as valuable as you think. Okay? It's just one person's thought and it might not even be true. And likelihood is they really just weren't that into you and that's okay. 2, they don't owe you feedback. You don't owe them feedback. It's a very low stakes, low level, low commitment 3, you might disagree with their feedback, and you probably would. You would probably disagree with at least some of it. So knowing these things, my hope is that it kind of sets you free a little bit and you're like, oh, okay, I don't have to listen to all this feedback. I can give myself feedback. There's actually things I can do here that I can keep doing if I want to because I like them, right? Or I like the way that I'm showing up there. I might tweak this or I might change this. Or maybe you'll recognize, I didn't really feel that well or that good in that interaction anyway. Something about it was off. I didn't like it, right? So listening to yourself and really giving yourself the opportunity to make judgments and opinions and decisions of how you acted and do it for yourself first, because that's going to be more valuable than anything anyone else can give you, okay? And not beating yourself up about any of it, right? So I really like if someone gives me feedback. I've had people give me feedback on my emails a lot or on my podcast a lot, and sometimes I'll be like, hey, you know what, they make a really good point. And then sometimes Sometimes I'll be like, nah, I don't really think they understood what I was trying to say there. Or I'll make my own conclusion. But let me tell you, if I was changing everything for what everyone was saying, my business and my podcast and everything would look very different to the way it looks now. I wouldn't be doing 90% of the things I'm doing if I was listening to everybody who's like, oh, you really should do it this way. Oh, I want to give you feedback on your business. I'm going to give you feedback. You should do this, this, and this, this, this. And I'd be like, you know what? It would be totally different than what I'm doing. So, it would water me down. It wouldn't make me happy. It wouldn't last long-term. So, for you, you have to ask yourself those questions too, right? Is it watering me down? Is it going to make me happy to take that feedback? Is it going to be sustainable long-term? And if you cannot answer those questions honestly in good judgment and feel good about those answers, you want to question whether or not you take the feedback. Anyway, okay? And I can pretty much guarantee you that the feedback they're going to give you is not as useful as you think it is. Okay? So I really hope this was really helpful for you, and I hope that it lightened the load on expecting feedback. And I've got another episode in the works for feedback in the workplace and how that's different. And I have a lot of thoughts on that, and I think they'll be very useful for you as well. All right, so I will see you next week. Thanks for being here as a listener, and I will see you around. Hey, have you left me a review yet? If not, leaving me one now comes with an awesome bonus perk. I'm going to give you access to my $97 course. It's titled 8 Reasons Why You Get Interviews But No Job Offers. This course is normally $97, but when you leave me a review as a thank you, I will give you access to it for free. And it's helped many professionals like you land their premium job offers and make more money just by simply going through this 4-day training that I did. I received so much feedback on so many of the results just from this $97 training, and I'd love to gift you that for free. So all you have to do is leave me a review on your favorite podcast platform, preferably iTunes, screenshot the review, email it to me. The details are in the show notes of the episode, and I can't wait to read your reviews and send you access to that course. Thank you so much. Thank you.