Nicole Hollar traces people-pleasing to two roots: believing others' needs matter more than yours, and needing to be liked. The real problem isn't compromise; it's masking your true self for approval, which kills genuine connection. She argues you have to know your own values first, then find people who actually like the real you.
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Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar. Today, I'm going to ask you to stop people pleasing if you are a people pleaser. The way I see it, people pleasing comes from 2 main places. The first one is that you think somebody else's values, needs, and beliefs are more important than yours. And the second one is your need to be liked. Now, when it comes to people pleasing and about values, beliefs, and needs, what's really important to understand is it's not really about always compromising what you need for somebody else. It's about creating a collaboration between 2 people, and that can be a romantic partnership, friendship, work. It doesn't matter. It's all relationships. We all have values, needs, and beliefs, and yours are just as important As somebody else's. So that means we need to be able to share them. We have to know what they are so that we can share them and attune to them. Because if we don't, and then we get mad one day, you're like, ah, you never do this for me, or you don't recognize X, Y, and Z. Well, if they never knew what they were, how can they attune to you? But you also want to be able to attune to the values, needs, and beliefs of, say, your partner, your bestie, whatever it might be. If it's your best friend who loves going to movies and you love going to dinners, but you're always going to dinner, well, it's probably important that you take care of your best friend and go to movies too. That doesn't mean you're people pleasing. That means that you're creating harmony in your relationship because all of your needs are being taken care of. And if your needs haven't been taken care of for a while, talk about it. Say something like, hey, you know, we haven't been to a movie for a while. I'm I want to go do that. Speak up. Say what you need and feel. It is absolutely okay and necessary in order to make sure that you are okay and having your cup filled. The other behavior that I often see is that people want to be liked. If you placate people and you show them the version of yourself that you think that they want, then they never really liked you anyway. They only liked the fictional mask version of you. So think about that. There is a lid for every pot. I'm sure I've said that before. I've heard it plenty of times. And you will find your tribe, and you will find the tribe of people who is like you then. Because if you're constantly placating people and wearing a mask for people so that they like you, and it's not the real you, you're gonna feel out of harmony with yourself. And that's not okay. Think about like dating sites, or, you know, I've heard plenty of horror stories— or not really horror stories— but where you meet somebody and they They put on the shiniest, best version of themselves because they wanted to appeal to all the things that you liked. You're like, oh, I think this person's amazing. He, she's fantastic. The problem was, is they were just trying to polish themselves up in order to appeal to you. It wasn't really who they were. They're like, I love hiking. You're like, no, they don't. They don't even like heat or the outdoors. It's okay. You can have your own values and beliefs and needs. that are different than your partner's, than your best friend. It's just about figuring out how to marry them together so that everybody can have harmony. So if you put on a face in order to get people to like you that's not really you, like I said, they're not even liking the real you. You are going to step on toes. There are going to be people who don't necessarily like you sometimes as an actual just person and a business owner. Certainly there are people Who I'm not top on their list and I'm probably not bottom on their list. Maybe I'm nowhere on their list, and that's okay because there's a space in the world for all of us, including you. And once you recognize that and that you are okay, as long as you express who you are and what you need, you, like I said, will find your tribe. So what I want to leave you with today is that it's so important to identify what's most important to you and To ask what is important to the other person in any relationship. Again, romantic, friendship, it could be coworkers. Remember, it's about collaboration versus compromise. Yes, I'm gonna take care of the people that are important to me. That's not people pleasing. That is creating harmony in your relationship. And you have to know who you are in order to express it and not just say what you think is the right answer because— You think that that's what they want to hear, or you are afraid of being judged. It's just, it's so important to own yourself. You know, don't lie to somebody because, like I said, you think it's the right answer or you think it's what they want to hear. Love yourself, who you are. You know, as long as you are moving about your life being the best version of yourself at any time, trying to create some type of collaboration, harmony among the people around you as well as yourself. You're doing a good job. I mean, you're going to be in difficult situations in your life, and these are the opportunities where you're going to have the opportunity to have a lesson and grow from it. Some of the worst times in my life have been some of the most amazing opportunities for growth. So I'm encouraging you to embrace that. And also remember that if you don't share the real you, including and especially your values and your beliefs and your needs and your mess-ups, Then people aren't going to ever know the real you and be able to attune to it, and that includes yourself. So I'm going to leave that for today, and I hope you guys have an amazing rest of your week. And remember, this is your time.
