In this solo episode of the Own It Podcast, host Nicole Hollar explores the distinction between envy and jealousy, explaining that envy stems from a perceived lack of something while jealousy arises from fear of losing something. She argues that chronic envy creates a "victim mindset" that erodes relationships, turning the envious person into a grump who alienates friends, partners, and coworkers. Nicole proposes a two‑way view of the world: focusing on what one lacks versus focusing on one’s existing strengths and blessings. She encourages listeners to shift from the former to the latter by adopting an empowerment mindset, practicing gratitude journaling, giving genuine compliments, and using admired others as role models rather than sources of resentment. A recurring metaphor of weeds in a yard illustrates the power of selective attention—choosing to notice abundance instead of perceived deficits. The episode concludes with actionable steps to replace envy with gratitude, thereby attracting more positive energy and healthier connections.
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Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey everyone, thank you for joining me, Nicole Hollar, at another episode of the Own It Podcast. Today I want to talk a little bit about envy. Just to be clear, I'm talking about envy, not jealousy. I know sometimes we use them interchangeably, but envy is really about the lack of something. It's that I want something that you have, or I just want something that I don't have. Versus jealousy, which is really about the fear of losing something, a person, a situation, or a thing. And in my circle, I don't really have a lot of friends or people around who are envious. Now, I think it's normal that most people have some level of benign envy, you would call it. And that's going to be that kind of envy where if you tell me you Won the lotto. I might go, "Wow, that's amazing!" I mean, I wish I won the lotto too, of course, but it doesn't mean that I can't be excited for you and appreciate it. And maybe you're somebody who has a really hard time leaning into and feeling excited for the people around you or even strangers when something positive happens to them because your first thought is, "Well." I wish I had that. Or, of course, somebody like that or this person would have that. That means you're living from a place of envy, which means that you're focusing on what you lack. Now, the problem I see with that is that it really disconnects relationships, because if you're a grump all the time and people can't share something they're excited about with you, Well, I'm gonna have to guess that you might be unfulfilled in your relationships too, whether that is romantic or friendship, because nobody wants to be around a grump all the time. And the only people who are going to be staying around are the ones who think that they deserve somebody who can't really be happy for them or who are kind of mean toward them. In fact, years ago, I had a friend who We were great friends, but she was in a space and she was kind of lashing out at me. And I knew she was a great human, but going through something. And I said, hey, you've talked about feeling like people turn on you or stab you in the back eventually. I said, and here's why. I said, because people like me who believe that they are good quality people aren't going to stick around to deserve this, to stick around to hear how like, oh, well, that's— of course you have that. Because we don't want to hear that. We, we want the highest and best for ourselves and the people around us. And it really made an impact in our relationship, and it changed her perspective on how she saw things. So if you find that you are often in a circumstance where you're envious of what people have, or you're a grump all the time, well, that's going to be the circle of friends, romantic partners, even maybe workplace colleagues That you keep with because like begets like. So what's really important here is recognizing that it's in part sort of a victim mindset. And we want to shift a victim mindset, meaning against me, to what can I do to better my life or my circumstance? What can I do to have that thing, that person, that situation that I'm envious of in this moment? So what I like to recommend to people is you can see the world in 2 ways, right? I can look around and see all the things that I don't have, the situations that I don't have, what I'm not doing, who I'm not being. Or I can live from this place of empowerment and decide what is it that I do have? I can look at all these amazing things. I can see my amazing qualities and characteristics. Whoever you are, you have these amazing qualities and characteristics. Lean into those because perhaps you've been stripped of a person or a situation. And as long as you focus on, say, that envy of maybe the new person having your ex or the jealousy now of losing something, you're going to be consumed by that space and you'll feel anger and bitterness and resentment. And people can feel that energy. You can feel that energy around people. And then wonder why you don't have a better life circumstance. It's so important to have a mindset that can really bring the positive energy, and that means to put out the positive energy, to be happy for, to be grateful for, to be appreciative of, to support the people around you, the circumstances. You may have an amazing life circumstance and not even see it. How many times have we seen people in their life? They're like, oh, they have all these things. They've got an amazing partner. They've got a great job, but they're miserable because they aren't seeing what it is that they have and the abundance that's really around them. And we have more abundance than we realize if we see that. I sort of have this joke. I like to pick weeds from my yard. I think I got it from my grandfather. If I look down, I'm going to see a weed. I said, you know, if I don't want to see the weeds, I just can't look down. So I get to choose what I'm going to see. And sometimes I can disregard the weed and sometimes I can't. But my point in using that metaphor is you will always find something that you don't like or that you wish you had. But look at all of the great things, because generally speaking, my yard's pretty fantastic. You know, in the case of people, sometimes their departure from our life or jobs are actually the best thing for us, but We need to be able to step out and see it. And until you can step out and see all the possibility around you, you're going to continue to feel envy. You're going to see the lack. Maybe you will have some jealousy of fear of something that you might lose. So perhaps it's time to step out and look back into the situation and see how that space can now be filled with a person or a situation. Or a thing that's even better, that's more in alignment with who you are, that is not in alignment with that space that we can all have that's bitter, that's angry, that's resentful. So going out with a mindset of gratitude is important. But if you want to change that space, you've got to get rid of that victim mindset. You've got to find that space of empowerment instead of looking at that thing, that job, that situation that the other person has and going, I wish I had that. They don't deserve that. Well, do you? Did you work that hard? Can you use them as a role model to go, how can I do that? How can I get that? How can I be that? Ask yourself if you are really putting the time, effort, and commitment to have the things that you inspire to have, whether it's your characteristics, your abilities, or the things. And sometimes people get lucky. We get lucky too. So what I would recommend if you find yourself in this place where you look out into the world and you find yourself envious and it's hard for you to have joy and be proud or excited for somebody, consider gratitude journaling. It's something I often recommend to people in my coaching program. Write something down every day, something that you're grateful for. It doesn't even have to be specific to you. It could be— in my case, one of the things I love is the birds chirping in the morning. It's, it's, I love it. I'm grateful for that. It's a very happy sound to me. So it doesn't have to be specific to your life. Practice praise. Compliment somebody genuinely, not because it's shallow, because you can really see some good quality. You have a great smile, awesome shoes. You were so kind. Thank you. Give those compliments. Those are ways to shift our mindset into a different space so that we can get rid of the envy and call more of the positive. energy to us. Remember, life isn't tit for tat. I'm not going to deny complimenting a person or giving praise or excitement or joy for somebody because they haven't had it for me. That comes from who I am. Decide that you want to be somebody who brings light into the world. Go into the world as you want to be treated, and you will find that you will get more of that back. I'm going to leave it for today right there. I hope you guys have an amazing day.
