Nicole Hollar argues that saying what you need protects your boundaries and strengthens relationships. She shares stories about disappointment with her wife, a client's overbearing parents, and a fight over a green trash can to show how guilt and fear silence people. Speaking your needs works only if you also listen to what others need.
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Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey everyone, thank you for being here with me, Nicole Hollar, at another episode of the Own It Podcast. Today I want to talk about saying what you need and feel. I've talked to so many people who say this phrase and it just— it's a trigger phrase for me. I feel bad. I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. Now, I'm not saying go around the world hurting people's feelings. I think most times that we disappoint somebody, it's in the way that you can give me a lollipop and in 3 minutes I will be better, as long as you aren't somebody who over-personalizes things. In fact, I used that example many years ago with my wife. She— I don't remember the circumstance. She's like, well, I didn't want you to I don't want to be disappointed. I'm like, listen, it was probably about going somewhere. I'm like, I'd rather you not go somewhere and be miserable. Yeah, I'm going to be disappointed, but I'm going to get over it in the next 5 minutes. If you're used to people never getting over it, that's going to be a hard sell for you because I assure you there are plenty of people who can just move on fairly quickly because little bits of disappointment, guess what? They're going to happen in your life and you're going to disappoint people. That's normal and okay. Is it going to be a huge thing? Is it this major event that's like a lifetime thing and you're like, I don't feel like getting up and going to it? Well, I mean, sometimes we got to step up, but it's like, nah, I don't really feel like going to the movie. Oh, well, I'm disappointed. I wanted to go see that one. I'm pretty sure most people will move on and get past it, but I'm encouraging you to say what you think and what you need and feel. And if that means I don't want to go to the movie, Don't go because please do not go with me and be a grump the whole time. If I've asked if you want to go to a party or an event and you're like, you go begrudgingly and then you're a grump the whole time, I'd rather you not go. This whole conversation is because I was having a discussion with a client a few weeks ago. We were talking about her, her parents routinely come to the house on weekends and she has her own family. And she loves her parents, but sometimes you just want your own space and that's okay. I said, so why don't you just tell them like, please don't come to the house this weekend. I want my own space. She's like, well, I feel bad. I go, okay. My mom's sensitive and she'll be upset. I'm like, well, but you told me that when you're there and you finally had it because apparently they do go and they're just more people in the house and there's kids and spouses and the whole thing. You know, you just want your space and time and And I'm now cooking for all these people and I just wanted to have a chill weekend. So instead I get upset and bitter. I was like, so you being upset or angry or yelling at somebody or shutting down, going to another room, just genuinely disappearing, but in that space is somehow better? And when I say it that way, she was like, oh, I guess that's not better, but I feel bad and I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings because I know she's sensitive. Well, do you think she feels good being in that space with you walking on eggshells when you don't want them around? And this is why I'm encouraging you, say what you need and what you feel. Because if you are the person who happens to be the one where now you're walking on eggshells, ask somebody what's going on. Would you prefer, in this case, that I leave? It's okay. Because remember, people need their own space and time. There are sometimes when you're walking on eggshells, and you know, I have a lot of teenagers in my life, and I mean, not to pick on the age, but sometimes you're not really sure what happened and now you're walking on eggshells. And I'll still try to ask, but it's often met with a grumble. But if you are a person who feels that you're constantly having your boundary violated, Ask yourself why you're allowing that. Because if you don't want to do something or you don't want to receive something, then say so. Please don't have the fight with your spouse. And it's a, it's a silly example that I use often that one day you're like, well, we got the green trash can because you wanted it. I'm like, I didn't say I wanted the green trash can. I just said, how about that one? And you interpreted that as she really wants the green trash can, but I hate it. But I want her to be happy, so I'm going to let us get the green trash can. And my reality may have been I just saw it and it was fine to me. I really didn't care either way. If you really didn't like the green trash can, then say something. It's so important. And again, why I call this podcast the Own It Podcast. We have to own our power and our space and our good stuff and our bad stuff and take charge of our own life. If you don't like the green trash can, even if your spouse is a little disappointed and you end up with the blue one, guess what? I bet they're going to recover from that. You're going to, as we've always heard, pick our battles. Need to pick our battles of when we let our boundaries get overrun. If you don't like Thai food at all, don't get it. It's really that simple. It's okay to speak what you need and you feel. If you never do it and you wonder why people overrun you all the time, they've never known what your needs were. So how are they able to attune to them? In my case, I also recognize that a lot of people have a hard time saying what they feel and what they need. So I ask questions. I ask questions all the time. In the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she said, I feel like I'm being interrogated. And I said, well, I'm not really interrogating you. I recognize why you may feel that way, but I'm genuinely interested in what you need and what you want and how you think and feel, because I wanna be able to be attuned to that. I am in no ways a perfect partner or spouse because I'm a human. I get angry, I get upset. My patience fuse is extraordinarily long, but, you know, God forbid you get me to the end of it if I can't remove myself from the situation, which is what I would prefer to do. Or defuse it. With all that said, I want to remind you guys, say what you need and what you feel. Likewise, listen. Because somebody's saying what they need and feel, it is not anti-you, it is pro-them. All relationships, friendships, romantic, work relationships, with parents and children, it's a back and forth. It's, it's understanding how to work together. If you find yourself in a position where you're shutting down and you're angry and you're bitter because people are overrunning your boundaries, ask yourself why it is you're not expressing them. And I bet if you say something like, I don't want to make somebody mad or upset or disappointed, is what you are going to tell them really that shattering? Are they going to be able to get over it? Can you articulate your needs in a way that says it's pro what I need? Not anti-you. I'm going to leave that for today. As always, you can find me at Nicole Holler Coaching at most social media platforms, as well as on my website nicoleholler.com, where you can put any requests for guests or podcast topics. You can learn more about breakthrough coaching, request me for speaking events and workshops as well. I hope you guys have a great day.
