Nicole Hollar examines why we over-apologize and what it costs us. Saying
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Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar. Today I'm going to ask you to stop over-apologizing, and by that I mean stop saying I'm sorry excessively. Remember, I'm sorry is one of the 3 power phrases, the magic phrases that we learned as kids. We learned please. So if I said please and I attached it to anything, I could get anything I wanted, right? Can I have cookies, please, please, please? You probably have kids in your life who you hear and they think that please is in fact a magic phrase. Thank you, right? That was what we learned in order to show appreciation and gratitude. And then we had I'm sorry. Hey, I'm sorry that I hit you, little brother or sister. I'm sorry I said that mean thing. Um, friend of mine, we were taught to use I'm sorry to imply that we've had a transgression in words or behavior or actions. Well, sometimes people use I'm sorry all the time. Hey, I'm sorry. Can I get in front of you? I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry your car broke down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Your shoe's untied. I'm sorry. These are all indications and times where I'm sorry really doesn't make sense. And if you're somebody who uses I'm sorry a lot, That could imply that you have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, even if you don't. Or you may actually have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. And if you think about people in your life who might actually say, I'm sorry, a lot, do they have low self-esteem or low self-confidence? And even if they don't, do you kind of look at them as though they do? So these are some of the problems with overusing the phrase, I'm sorry. Is that it's implying that you have low self-confidence. You're showing everybody else that you do, and they're perceiving you in that way. Also, even if you don't have that, through conscious creation, which is something that I talk often about with my growth coaching clients, conscious creation is that language that we use in order to reshape our unconscious mind. So because we understand intuitively and unconsciously That saying I'm sorry implies that we've done something wrong. When you say I'm sorry a lot and unnecessarily, it's implying that you're in the wrong a lot, and that's not okay. And if you are repeatedly doing a behavior and saying I'm sorry and never correcting it, it's really just empty words anyway. Hey man, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I'm late. I mean, you know, I have plenty of friends who are late and they could say, I'm sorry I'm late. It really means nothing. It just becomes empty words. So if you're going to say I'm sorry for a transgression, add to it. Maybe you want to change your language altogether instead of just saying I'm sorry as a standalone empty statement. Here's an opportunity for you to connect and also reshape your behavior. If you want to take ownership of it. So instead of, I'm sorry, or I'm sorry I'm late, maybe it's an opportunity for you to say, hey, you know, I really appreciate your being patient. I recognize that I'm late all the time, and I know that I need to work on that in order to make it a little bit better. So thank you. That would be a better way to approach it rather than it just being empty. So I'm sorry can just be empty words, or they could be kind of meaningless words because they don't really make sense. Like, I have a fitness client. I have several fitness clients who do this, but one in particular who ironically, when she is at her highest points of self-esteem, I don't hear her say I'm sorry almost never. But when it's at the lowest, I could say something like, hey, your shoe's untied. I'm sorry. Let's adjust your arm position. I'm sorry. And because of who I am and what I do, I call people on their baggage because that's what saying I'm sorry all the time is. It is baggage. And I'll call her on it. Like, why are you sorry because your shoelace is untied or because I made a change to your hand position? It just doesn't even make sense. I've actually had her say, I'm sorry. Because I called her on it. Hey, your shoelace is untied. I'm sorry. Why are you sorry your shoelace is untied? I'm sorry. You're sorry that you said you're sorry? And she kind of hears herself. It just goes to show you that it becomes such an unconscious part of language. So if you want to change this kind of behavior, the first thing you have to do is take note of what you say. Be mindful and present and listen to the words that you use. Stop saying I'm sorry as a filler. Unless you've had a real transgression. And then if you did have a real transgression, reflect on what it was so that you can actually make change. Because we want to be able to own the errors that we've made and also make change. And then you might also want to change some of your phrasing. Like I had mentioned earlier, sometimes people say, hey, I'm sorry, can I get in line? Maybe it's an opportunity for you to re— Shape your language again with "Pardon me," "Excuse me," "My heart goes out to you," and instead of "I'm sorry for your loss," or "I appreciate your patience for the person who's always late," or "I realize I was insensitive," or "Can you forgive my X, Y, and Z?" And I like to say "Forgive my blank," because forgive me. If I just say "Please forgive me," forgive what? I'm just forgiving all of you for your existence? You're asking somebody to forgive a particular action, behavior, words that you've used, not all of you as a general blanket statement. So that would be the opportunity for you to say and connect, hey, you know, I really appreciate X, Y, and Z, and I hope you can forgive my ongoing tardiness. I don't need to forgive you as your person because you're probably a decent person. It's just an action that happens to be repeated using the example that I used earlier. So I wanna leave you with a few things. One, remember, language defines how we see ourself and how others perceive us. Get rid of I'm sorry as a filler word. It doesn't mean anything, and it's reshaping your language. Also, you do not need to apologize for stuff in somebody else's life that you have nothing to do with. Instead, take this opportunity to connect with them and find empathy. These are all ways that we can help to take back our power because I'm sorry as a standalone is really energy suppressing and it actually makes us shrink and smaller. So go ahead and take back your power, own your stuff, and have the opportunity to connect with other people. So I'm going to leave that for today. If you liked this episode, again, go ahead and leave the podcast multiple stars, thumbs up if you're watching on YouTube. You can always connect with me at Nicole Hollar Coaching at most social media platforms. And as always, if you have a suggestion or request for topics or guests, You can go ahead and check out my website, nicoleholler.com, where you can also learn more about growth coaching as well as fitness. Remember, this is your time.
