Nicole Hollar explores how self-imposed identities become excuses that keep you stuck. She uses Kate from This Is Us as an example: Kate blamed her weight for a failed audition, but the manager said it was actually a skill gap. The real work starts when you stop hiding behind your card and get out of your own way.
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Welcome to the Own It Podcast with me, Nicole Hollar, where we're going to talk about stuff to help you get out of your way, take charge of your life, and, well, other stuff too. Hi guys, it's Nicole Hollar. Welcome back to another episode of the Own It Podcast. Today I want to talk about what lies do you tell yourself? What beliefs are the things that hold you back? Those things that get in our way are baggage that keeps us from pursuing more or being more. I see this happen all the time, and it puts us in this state of a victim mindset. And I talked all about being in a state of a victim mindset in a previous episode, but I really wanna stay focused on the belief system, that baggage that gets in our way. And by that, I mean, what are the things that you tell yourself that is the reason that you aren't getting that job, that you aren't better, that you aren't more liked, whatever it is that you want to be, do, or have. What are those things you tell yourself that you believe are out of your control, or that you think you're being judged for, that are in the way? And decide if they're real or if they are your excuses, because sometimes we might believe something is real, but it becomes our excuse. And I'm going to use an example of— I hosted, and you know, there's a workshop that I do, it's called Overcoming Obstacles and Limiting Beliefs. And during this workshop, one of the scenes that I like to play is an episode from the show This Is Us. Now, you may have seen the show or you may not, it doesn't really matter. But we all have this card. My card is that I am female. I am short. I am my age. I have a wife instead of a husband. These are all the cards that I can play that I can instantly think of that I may decide are the reason that I haven't gotten the job, the opportunity, aren't better, aren't, you know, more capable. I can decide those are really the reason. Or I can recognize that I might be using them as a victim card. Now, some of those are true, right? If I am short, it's very likely I'm not going to make the team on the WNBA if I was going to try out. It doesn't mean that I can't, it just means I might have to work a lot harder compared to somebody who is my peer and 6 feet tall. Right. for the obvious physicality differences. But going back to the show This Is Us, there is a scene in this— in one of the episodes which I just love. Kate, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the characters at all, she's a much heavier woman. And she's also used to sing a lot. And she hasn't for a while, and she's decided that she wants to go and sing again. So what she does is she goes to this audition at sort of a nightclub. Well, being that Kate is a heavier woman, she has often felt that she was judged based upon her weight. So she does her tryout. The guy's standing there. He goes— he's basically like, no, next, moving on. And she's there with her brother and her husband at the time. And She comes out, she's all bummed and decides, you know what? I'm tired of being judged based upon weight, my weight. Because Kate is convinced that the reason this man has rejected her performance and her tryout is her weight. So she goes back in, and this is a part that I do admire because she speaks up for herself. She goes back in, she's like, listen, I, you know, am not going to be judged by my weight just because I don't look like these women, blah blah blah, whatever. I want to be given a fair shot. And he just kind of looks at her. And I really respect this too, because he doesn't get defensive. He doesn't really engage it, doesn't indulge it. And he calls up another woman. He says, can you sing whatever it was? And she's really remarkable. And he just has her pause after a very brief amount of time. And he looks at Kate and says, this is our backup singer. You aren't as good as her. It's like you yourself said you haven't sang for a while. You're kind of rusty. You're pitchy. You have the potential and the possibility, but you haven't sang or performed for a while. It's like go get some more skill practice, training, education, and you know get back into it and come back and audition. It's like it's not about your weight; it's your skill. So I also really appreciate the fact that he called her on her BS. Because as long as this character of Kate was allowed to hang behind her wait card with respect to singing forever, she was never going to have the opportunity to recognize that it wasn't her wait. And now that she can let go of that baggage, she would have now the choice to pursue, do I want to practice more, you know, work with the vocal cords? Coach, get back into it because I have been out of practice. All of those things he said were not untrue. So she marches out in the hallway, says, "How did it go?" Whatever. That's right. That's the first time she came out. Of course, she says, "You know, he rejected me." Da da. Whatever. And they're like, "Oh man!" You know, and they get instantly get defensive for her, which in our lives, people and our friends want to stand up and get puffy for us, and that's great sometimes, but sometimes they're not helping us. And she says, no, no, it was good. He told me the truth. He told me why and about my singing. And so they calmed down a little, and it was, it was portrayed and written as a really great experience. So the first thing is, I appreciate the fact that she said something and said, you know, I'm not going to let the card that I hold be the thing that holds me back, which in this case was her weight. I appreciated that this guy who was Running the, the tryouts was like, I'm not going to indulge that. I'm just going to show you why you weren't selected. And if you want to improve, these are the things that you want to focus on. Let go of the baggage about your weight. So my question to you is, what are the things that you've held yourself back from because you think that you aren't smart enough, that you aren't physically capable of doing, Because of your weight, your race, your sex, your religion, or whatever. Ask yourself if those are really the issue, or is it something more? Are the other people who are getting the job, the accolades, the this, the that, having more, being more, doing more, is it because they're actually putting the effort forward? Are you really seeing the comparative difference, or are you allowing your own baggage to stand in your way? Of taking yourself to the next level. I've had plenty of baggage in my life, I assure you. And through my own personal NLP, or neuro-linguistic programming techniques— I've done MER for myself, hypnotherapy when I've gone through stuff, I've written it for myself— have decided to overcome my own baggage. If you had asked me if I would be doing a video podcast or an audio podcast 5 years ago, I would have said over my dead body, but I'm doing it today knowing that I don't need to be perfect, that I'm not somebody who's done it for 1,000 years with a bazillion episodes, with following of millions of people. We all have to start somewhere. But the first place that I needed to start was getting out of my own way in order to accept who I am and what I can bring to the table at this juncture. In order to move forward. So ask yourself, like I said, what are the things in the card that you hold that says, well, that's the reason? And then decide, are you just using it as an excuse so you don't have to put the effort forward in order to have that thing that you want, that promotion, you know, become that singer? Or do you just need to maybe work a little harder? And have a little bit more introspection to decide what are the things that I need to do? What models can I look at and go, I need to be and act more like them? So, what is your baggage holding you back? Is it an excuse that allows you to not try, or is it baggage that's in your way? Decide which it is. And choose how you wanna move forward. I'm gonna leave that for today. Again, follow me at Nicole Hollar Coaching on most social media platforms. Check out my website, nicoleholler.com. As usual, you can find out all information about books, courses, breakthrough coaching, fitness, all that good stuff, as well as submit requests for guests as well as topics. I hope you have a great day, and remember, this is your time.
