New faces

He's been hitting open mics all around the Valley. This is gonna sound weird, but this dude taught me more about sex than, like, having sex with actual girls. Like, you're gonna be shocked. He wanted me to tell you he's used to working in his pajamas and doing it right in large crowds. Not sure what that means, guys, but.

Give it up for Tommy D. W Income. Woo. Good to be here. Good to see y'. All. How we doing tonight? Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. I thought I'd come out here and tell you all about healthcare because I'm a registered nurse. I went back six years ago, became a registered nurse. I mean, what else do strippers do after they retire, right? They go back to school and become strippers. I mean, who wants to see this dancing in their face at 43 years old with a two string on? Nobody. So going from male stripper over to a male nurse was not very hard for me though, because every night I went to work, I still remain the minority. Yeah, a straight white male. I mean, a 12 hour shift for me was like going to work if I was married. As a polygamist, you know, because I went to work, I had four sister wives, two exes and a mistress there every night. I mean, it hasn't paid for that shit. Okay, so. But I work in the emergency room, you know, and you get a lot of serious stuff there, a lot of good stories. And, you know, good stories all start with a cute little catchphrase. Like, you know what, what's important to mine, you know, that's a good little catchphrase. But in the emergency room, that cute little catchphrase is, well, what had happened was. What had happened was I was sitting at the park bench waiting to go to grandma's house, reading my Bible, and I'm like, bro, you got two bullet holes in the stab wound in your hands. What really happened? I ain't the police. Don't get me confused. Come on, man. But guys like him make it hard on people, you know, because they turn us into human lie detectors. You know? Like the poor guy that comes in with rectal pain, he's like, well, what had happened was I was taking a shower and I slipped and fell on my shampoo bottle. Like, bro, trust me, bottles are this fucking big, okay? The good thing, you fell on it upside down. Cause all we gotta do is unscrew the lid and pull it right back out. This dude, with all seriousness looks at me and goes, what are you gonna do about the conditioner bottle? He's like, I failed twice. Me confused. So. But as you can see, working in the er, you get a lot of strange stuff. A lot of strange things happen. You know, like delivering babies in the parking lot. Yep, that happens. It's only the. It's only the only time that a man can come home to his woman with another woman's bloody vagina juice all over him and be like, well, what had happened was shit, I can use that too. Come on. So. But being a male nurse, I get abused. I get taken advantage of. Yep. I mean, seriously, the only people that request a female nurse are dirty old men and chicks with itchy coochies. Okay. Yeah. That just goes to say that I've held more penis than most Vegas prostitutes. Okay. True story. So. But as a male nurse, I also get sexually harassed. It happens. Hashtag MeToo. Ladies. I understand. I do. You know, like the night they roll in a 300 pound dead guy needing CPR. Of course, because I'm the man, I get to do the manual labor. Okay. I'm gonna do chest compression. So I go over to the side and I'm trying to get chest compressions on this big dude and I just can't get it. So I'm gonna get heroic. I'm gonna get all cowboy on this guy and just paddle right up on him so I can get good chest compressions. But what had happened was my scrub pants did not work like my wranglers used to, and pow. The eyes of my pants blows right out. And, you know, I quit wearing the G string after I quit stripping. So I go rolling into the er, winking my brown eye at the doctor, and he's over in the corner yelling out, protocol, folks. The brown eyes. So he saw the doctor's over in the corner yelling out, protocols, like, I need a rectal T. Yeah, well, wouldn't you know, one of these sister wives, I mean, fellow nurses, thought she'd be cute and get my rectal tub. Oh my God. Here I am doing CPR on old guy with a thermometer in my ass, and I'm like, hey, hey, girl, what you doing this week? Right? Don't get me confused. Even my elderly patients bring me good stories. You know, like one night they. They brought me in a two for one from the nursing home. Yeah, I thought I was going to be doing CPR on two patients, but what had happened was Grandpa Fred got a hold of some Viagra, and about six hours into his situation, he had a hard problem. So he thought he would visit his neighbor Ethel, see if she could help him out A little bit, yeah. Ethel, being a sweetheart, thought she might relieve some pressure, but unfortunately, Grandma Ethel was allergic to Grandpa Fred's semen, and she had an anaphylactic inflammatory response in her vagina. Clamping down on Grandpa Fred's pants. Yeah. This kid is getting a look on that paramedic space when people think Grandpa and Grandma doing missionary on his garment. Crazy. You learned some crazy stuff in the er, though. I learned the difference between kinky and perverted. Y' all know the difference? Kinky is when you use a feather, and perverted is apparently when you use the whole chicken. She just got the chicken joke. Yeah, I heard that one night coming from a patient. Homeless chicken. So. But my patients give me confused folks. And I don't want you to be confused, because when I walk in the room, they always say. The first thing they say is, hey, document. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm not your doctor. I'm your nurse. I work for a living. Yeah. I wipe your ass. You ever seen a doctor wipe it ass? No, I don't think so, because there is no billing code for that shit. But, you know, my patients also get me confused, and they're like, so, are you gay? And I'm like, well, because I'm a male nurse, they automatically assume I'm gay. But I answer them professionally, and I always say, well, what had happened was. All right, y', all, that's my shirt. I'm telling you.