Live stand-up routine by Tommy Dubcheck where the comedian introduces himself, describes switching careers from stripping to becoming an ER registered nurse in his mid-30s, and tells explicit, anecdotal stories from the ER (odd injuries, sexual mishaps, workplace dynamics). The tone is comedic, provocative, and self-deprecating.
Chapters
Let's hear it for a guy who has four ex wives, four kids and four felonies, and he's not afraid of performing in front of a crowd. Tommy Dubcheck. Lights are so bright, I can't see none of your asses. So this is good. How y' all doing tonight? Cool. Excited to be here. I'm really excited to be here, actually. So you know what else is exciting? Career changes. Yeah, career changes are exciting. I became a registered nurse. Yeah, I mean, what else do you do after you retire from stripping, right? Yeah. I mean, who wants to see this grinding in their face with a G string on at 38 years old? Yeah. Yeah. So I went back to. Went back to work at or School at 35 years old, became a registered nurse in the ER. And as if being a stripper wasn't gay enough for my brothers, you know, I had to convince them that, you know, stable job, good pay, you know, heroic. You know, being a heroic. Who wants. Who doesn't want to be a hero, right? So the only thing is, they didn't tell me I was going to be the minority, okay? Straight, white, male, okay? I mean, when I go to work, I work with. In a 12 hour shift. It's like being married. All right? If I was a polygamist, I'd work with four wives, two exes and a mistress. I need hazard pay for that shit. Okay? I mean, but being a nurse, becoming a nurse wasn't easy. But to be an ER nurse, I had to be a little sick and twisted, okay? Yeah. I mean, you could figure out what kind of nurse somebody was going to be based on their. What they did in cpr, you know, during cpr. The surgical nurses, they're hands on. You know, they. They're the ones that are up there doing chest compressions and charge. Nurses, you know, they're a little bossy. They're like, hey, call 911, get a doctor. You know? But ER nurses were the ones that hear, clear the vomit before performing mouth to mouth. And we're like, okay, Yeah, so sick and twisted, you know, but working in the er, it's like working in the frontline war zone trenches of the hospital. Okay? We get and see everything. Everything comes in there, all right? You know, I mean, there's a dozen TV shows about the er that it's real. It's real. Yeah. You know, like every good story starts with a cute little catchphrase, like, once upon a time. But in the er, you know, that cute little catchphrase is what had happened was what had happened was I was sitting at the bus stop reading my Bible, waiting to go to grandma's house, and I'm like, bro, you got two bullet holes and a stab wound in your ass. What really happened? I ain't the police. Don't get me confused. Shit. Guys like him turn us into human lie detectors. You know, like the poor guy that comes in with rectal pain. What had happened was I was taking a shower and I slipped and fell on my shampoo bottle. I'm like, bro, Tresemme bottle's this fucking big. Seriously. But don't worry, man, you slipped on it upside down. All we gotta do is just unscrew the lid and pull it back out, you know? This son of a bitch looked at me and went, well, what are you gonna do about the conditioner bottle? I'm like, what? He's like, I fell twice. I'm like, bitch, please don't get me confused. You know, but strange things happen in the er. Strange things. But you got to remain professional, you know? You know, like, for example, delivering babies in the parking lot. You know, it's really the only time it's acceptable to come home to your girlfriend with another woman's bloody vagina juice all over you and be like, what had happened was shit. I can use that stuff too. Come on. So. But even my elderly patients, you know, bring me some cool stories. Like, the night ambulance crew called in a two for one, and I'm like, oh, boy, we're gonna be doing CPR on two people. Yeah. But what had happened was grandpa Fred got ahold of some Viagra, and about five, six hours into it, started getting a little worri. So he thought he'd go down and visit his neighbor Ethel and see if she could help him out. Ethel, being a sweetheart, thought she might be able to relieve some pressure. Yeah, well, Ethel, unfortunately was allergic to grandpa Fred semen, and she had an anaphylactic inflammatory response in her vagina, clamping down on grandpa Fred's penis. This caused grandpa Fred's pacemaker to fire off, shocking Ethel, causing her life alert to dispatch 911. You should have seen the look on the paramedic's face when he rolled grandma and grandpa in there doing missionary on his stretcher. And, you know, I had to mess with him, you know, sick and twisted. I was like, hey, did you check circulation on Fred's penis before you brought him in? Yeah. That boy was so messed up. But seriously, as a male nurse, we get abused, okay? Male nurses get abused because we get pulled into everything. Okay, the only people to request female nurses are dirty old men and chicks with Ichikuchi's. Okay, yeah, I've held more penis than most Vegas prostitutes. Sorry, bro. But anyway, the. The other thing I learned was that in becoming a nurse is that nurses are freaks. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, think about it. We are taught the human anatomy at a highly scientific level. We're basically experts at the human body, you know? So take for example, you know, like my brothers who are mechanics, they work on cars all day, but they're tinkering around on stuff at home, you know, like twerking a. Twerking a spark plug or playing with their dipstick or boring a crankshaft. I'm just saying, nurses might be tinkering around at home too. Yeah. You know the difference between kinky and perverted, right? Kinky's when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken. Yeah, I heard that from a patient one night in the ER holding his chicken. Don't ask about the chicken. It ain't that kind of show. But seriously, I also, as a male nurse, have experienced sexual harassment. I mean, I used to be a male stripper, people. I was paid to be sexually harassed. I know what that shit's like. Hashtag metoladies. Like seriously, working in the ER, trauma ER one night they bring me in a 300 pound dead guy who obviously needs CPR. So, you know, I jump on the side of the gurney to try and get cpr, ain't working too good. So I decide, well, I'm gonna get all heroic. I'm gonna cowboy up on him and saddle right up and do CPR right on top of them. Unfortunately, my scrub bottoms don't work like my Wranglers. And yep, pow, the ass of my pants blew right out. And wouldn't you know, I quit wearing G strings after I quit stripping. So here I roll into the emergency room bay wide open. Yeah, doctor's over in the corner yelling out protocols, I need a rectal tim. Wouldn't you know, one of these bitches, I mean, sister wives, I mean sister nurses, thought she'd be cute and check my rectal pen. Yep. So here I am being all professional, doing CPR with a thermometer in my ass. I just look back, I'm, hey, girl, what you doing this weekend? Don't get me confused. Yeah, so people get me confused all the time though. You know, my patients, they always got me confused. I'd walk in the room and they'd always say that. Two. Same two of the similar things to me would be, hey, doc. And I'd be like, sorry, not your doc. I work for a living. I'm your nurse. Yep. I wipe your ass. I mean, seriously, ever seen a doctor wipe an ass? They get paid too much. But then the next question was always the same. So, are you gay? I'll be like, what the hell has that got to do with how I'm going to take care of you? But my response is always the same. I'd look at them and be like, well, that depends. All right, I appreciate you all coming out. That's my shit.
