Stir Crazy Vid

This is a liar, a cheater, and a thief. Only one of these is true. We'll find out. Let's welcome Tommy D. All right, how are we doing tonight? Stir crazy. Good to be here. Good to be here. So, oh, man, let's hear it for Deanne Kincaid. She puts on a good student showcase because she made me first. So my job is to get you all fired up. So it's. It's good to be here in Phoenix. I'm actually from Tampa, Florida. So I just found out what they call people from Phoenix. Anybody? Phoenicians. That's pretty exotic because you know what they call me from Tampa? Tampon. So, tampon. It's rough growing up a tampon. Okay. Oh, man. Let me get comfortable here real quick. Hold on a second. Oh, my stripping days are over, folks. Hold on. No, no. No more stripper. Now that I'm comfortable, I've dropped 150 IQ points and became a suspected racist. Let me tell you about growing up at Tampon. It was rough for my mother, you know, because I didn't have normal role models, you know, like other kids. You know, they wanted to be police officers, firefighters, you know, transgender triathlon champions. You know, think about that, right? No, not me. I wanted to be a daredevil. Evel Knievel was my hero, okay? Which means that I inspired every childhood safety device invented after 1982. You can do this by looking at your car keys, the plastic piece on the back. Mine. Three electrocutions later, every car company needed it. Thank you, Tommy D. So. But, yeah, Evel knievel. I was 7 years old when I got to watch this guy try to jump a motorcycle over the fountains out at Caesar's palace out there in Las Vegas. Y' all remember that? Yeah. Y' all see where he. He missed the landing ramp by three inches. Yeah. He's the only guy in the world that could appreciate having three inches, right? But, yeah. I watched as my superhero, you know, at over 100 miles an hour, smashes his body into the concrete like a toddler throwing a raggedy and doll down the stairs. Throwing a temper tantrum, turning his body into a bag of bone soup, breaking every bone in his body except his pinky toe. And all I could think was, challenge accepted. So growing up in the local emergency room was kind of rough for Mom. You know, she was investigated by Child Protective Services so much that they actually placed her in foster care. Okay. But it made it difficult on my parents because they couldn't beat me for punishment. But my mother was Sadistic. She got creative, okay? Like, for example, she would think, Let me think. She was cool on the weekend by. By letting us stay up and watch horror movies and stuff. You know, like Friday the 13th, the Nightmare on Elm Street. Then during the week, you know, when I wouldn't do what she told me to do, she'd take me out to the 400 acre cornfield next to the house and start yelling, hey, Freddy, Jason, bad kids over here. Right? That's sadistic shit. That's, that's, you know, pretty much abuse by today's standards, right? Another thing that really messed me up for a long time was she used to use hot sauce on my tongue if I would drop an F bomb, right? Yeah, so. But being the daredevil I was, you know, she wasn't looking. I'd hit that fridge, take a couple dabs of that hot sauce, build up the pain tolerance, right? Yeah, well, I blew my cover one night during taco. You know, taco night when I doused my taco with some Tabasco because the next time I dropped enough on my. My sister, she went full sadistic. Used laundry soap. Oh, yeah. I've been clean from tide pods for five years now, folks. I go to meetings. So. But, you know, Mom. Mom had a hard time with me growing up. And, you know, I gave her a hard time just like every other kid. When you're supposed to be doing what you're supposed to do, you. You throw her off like that. You know, like that little brat Linda had on YouTube a couple years ago. Remember this kid? Linda? Less. And Linda, Linda, listen. I had that kid beat, okay? Because my, My role model growing up was Wolfman Jack. He was my go to. Anybody Here born under 1982 has no idea who the hell Wolfman Jack is. But if you know who Wolfman Jack is, he used to come on the radio Friday nights, be like, oh, what's happening, all you cats and stuff? Scats. Is Wolfman Jack huffing and puffing the batter Disco your radio waves can handle. Yeah, right, Wolfman Jack, right. So when mom would be like, time for bed, I'd bust. I'd get fired up. I'd be like, oh, what's happening, pretty mama? There's a Tommy D man chill as could be sitting on the couch, you see. Tide pod. So anyway, mom was. Mom was impressed with me growing up because I didn't do shit other kids did, like, you know, play soccer or play baseball. My hobbies got more extreme, just like my heroes did, you know. And you know, by the time I got to high school I wasn't doing the normal stuff. I was doing real crazy stuff like, you know, working as a rodeo clown, competing in demolition derbies, dating preachers, daughters. You know I actually got so good at dodging bulls, bullet bulls, Buicks and Bibles that I got a full ride scholarship to Tampa Tech for dodgeball. Okay, so I'm pretty sure my childhood antics on the playground led to a very popular MTV show named after a donkey. Those jackasses. I didn't get none of that. But honestly by the time I graduated high school my parents insurance company had gone bankrupt. But I did beat Evel Knievel's record folks. That's right. I had 187 broken bones, 17 surgeries and I no longer have my original genitals rodeo accident. All right, my name is Tommy D. You can see me on Facebook or YouTube. I'm gonna bring Deanne K back up. Thank. You.