Tyler technologies Comedy Show

That was the quickest intro I've ever had come out the door now. So how we go to Tyler Technologies, largest software corporation in the nation. Right. Holiday party with you all. It is a blessing and cool for me because actually being in Arizona is cool for me because I'm from Florida. Anybody here from blooming Tampa, Florida? Anybody here from Florida? Phoenix. There you go. I. I just learned that the. The people from Phoenix, y' all are called Phoenicians, right? Yeah. So that. That's pretty exotic for a guy from Tampa because I'm a. I'm a Tampa. Hold on a minute. Let me. Let me get comfort. Yeah. Now that I've dropped 150 IQ points and become a suspected Trump supporter and racist, let me tell you all about growing up with Tampa. It was rough for my mother. It was. Yeah. You know, because I didn't have normal role models. Things are going on and off all over. I didn't have normal role models. And, you know, like, normal kids, you know, like, want to be firefighter, police officer, transgender triathlon champion. Y' all got that one. I like that. This smart group, IT people, you know, you're it people because you get that chick. I curse, sorry. I was told pg 13. So I'll try to keep them curse words to a minimum. But, yeah, no, I wanted to be a deer dog. Evil Knievel. Anybody remember Evil Knievel? Right. I mean, believe me, trying to grow the stuff, man. I inspired every childhood safety device invented after 1982. I did so because growing up in the ER was kind of rough for my mom. It was, you know, I mean, she was investigated by Child Protective Services in the Watts, you know, so much so that they actually placed her in foster care, you know, so. But, yeah, it meant that I couldn't be beat as a child, though, for misbehaving. Right. But my mother grew up in Chicago. She was. She was tough and crazy. Sadistic, actually. And creative. Yeah. Actually, like, for example, you know, I had a potty mouse growing up, so, you know, she would. She would curb that, you know, with a little bit of hot sauce. Right. Yeah. So being the daredevil I was, I'd sneak to the fridge and build up that pain tolerance by taking a couple days. Yeah. But I blew my cover one one night during taco night because I doused it, you know, my taco with some Tabasco. Yeah. Because the next time I drop an F bomb on my sister, she used laundry soap. Yep. I've been clean from Tide pots for five years now. I go to meetings. Summer Breeze was my go to. But no, she would actually, she would actually think that, Let me think that, you know, I was cool. You know, she was a cool mom because she would let me watch horror movies and stuff on the weekends, right. And then when I misbehaved during the week. Yeah. She take me out into the 400 acre cornfield we were living on and start yelling, hey, Freddy, Jason's over here. Look. That mom right there does that stuff. That woman right there. But seriously, with Evel Knievel as my role model, you know, I. I gotta tell you, I was, I was a little, it was a little 7 year old boy when we watched that boy guy try to jump the fountain out there at Cedar palace, right. I watched my superhero jump this ramp and miss the other side by three inches. He's the only man that could probably appreciate having three inches. But I watched as he smashed his body into the ground like a topper, throwing a raggedy and doll down the stairs. Throwing a hippotantrum, turning his body into a bag of bone soup. Yeah. And all I could think was challenge accepted. So it was torture on my mom with me growing up. Cause I didn't have normal activities that little kids had. I didn't play baseball or soccer or. I worked in rodeos as rodeo firm. Yeah. Did demolition derby competitions. Dated Preacher's daughters. I got so good at dodging bulls, Buicks and Mattas that I got a full ride scholarship to Tembo Tech for dodgeball. You know, I'm pretty sure that my playground Annex 2 also led to a very popular MTV show named after a donkey. Because when I was growing up, we didn't have the technology for camcorders. We just did stupid stuff and nobody got to see it. But that actually, that actually led to a lot of different careers. A lot of different careers for me. A lot of opportunities like fishing and being a commercial fisherman. That was fun. You know, I did do some traveling with the rodeo and got into a little bit of trouble doing that. But my most recent career change was when I actually about six years ago went and became a registered nurse. That's how I know the British comedy doc. We in healthcare together. He's actually a doctor and I'm actually a nurse. Yeah. Hold your calf. I mean, isn't that what smart strippers do when they quit? They go back to school and become a nurse? I mean, who wants to watch this dragging their head to sitting in your soul, Right? Come on, nobody wants to see that. So. But becoming a nurse was actually it Was hard, you know, but I grew up in the er, so I knew what I was kind of getting into. Right? But you learn what kind of nurse you're going to become during cpr, that's like the first thing you do when you go into. Into healthcare is you have to get it CPR certified. And so you learn what kind of nurse you're going to be because of the fact that when you get in there, the. The surgical nurses are the ones that are hands on, so they do the chest impressions. Charge nurses. They're the ones that are a little bossy, you know, they're like, hey, call a doctor, be a 911, give me the AED. You know, they're not really doing anything, just bossing people around. But ER nurses were a little sick and twisted. And this is how I knew I was an ER nurse was because when they said clear the vomit before performing mouth to mouth, and I was like, okay, yeah, sick and twisted, okay. But that's just because that's the way I grew up, you know, My mom helped me into that, you know, but being a male nurse, and I have to prep as male nurse because in today's society, if I say male nurse or just the word nurse, a lot of people just imagine a woman with big boobs and a white dress. So I gotta get that out of the way because then you understand where I'm at, you know, and working in the. Working in the emergency room, it gets crazy. You have crazy stories and sad stories, but you also have funny stories, you know, I know. Funny stories all start with a cute little catchphrase, you know, and, you know, they're cute with all good stories, you know, like, once upon a time, you know, that's a cute little catchphrase. And the ER it is. What had happened was. Yeah, what had happened was I was sitting at the bus stop reading my Bible, waiting to go to grandma's house, and I'm like, sir, you have a bullet hole and a stab wound in you. What really happened? I'm not the police. Don't get me confused, please. I mean, guys, like, everybody gets me confused as a male nurse, you know, like the guy that thinks I'm a lie detector. He comes in, he's like, what had happened was I was in the shower and I slipped and fell on my shampoo bottle, sir. Veal water bottles are like this big. Good thing, though, he slipped on him upside down. So I told him all around doors, just unscrew the cap, pull it right back up. He looked at me and Goes, what are you gonna do about the conditioner, Mom? What? I failed twice. See, Got me confused. Gave me a lie detector, so. But working in Amazon, you get some crazy stuff, right? Like having to deliver babies in the parking lot because you can't get them in the hospital fast enough. It's the only time that it's acceptable for a man to come home with another woman's bloody vagina juice all over and be like, what had happened was. Yeah, well, I mean, I get to use that stuff too. Don't get me confused. Okay? But even my elderly patients, you know, give me good stories. Okay? You know, like the night that ambulance crew called in a two for one from the nursing home. I'm like, oh, boy, we're going to be doing chest compressions on two people. But what had happened was Grandma Fred got his hands on some bag. And about 26 hours into his ordeal, two hours past the time limit, he remembers he's got a heart problem. So he visits his neighbor Ethel. Ethel, being a sweetheart, thought she might be able to help him out. Relieves the pressure. Unfortunately, Ethel was allergic to Grandma Fred's semen and she had an anaphylactic inflammatory response in her vagina, clamping down on Grandpa Fred's penis, causing Grandpa Fred's pacemaker to fire off, shocking Ethel, Making Ethel's life alert bracelet go off. Alert 911. So you should have seen the look on the paramedic space when he rolled in. Grandpa and Grandma on the same journey, stuck together, trying to give me a report. That kid was really confused. I felt so bad, boy. But being a male nurse, though, I can tell you that I work in a female dominated industry and I do get abused, I will tell you that, because I get pulled into everything people. I mean, the only people to request a female nurse are typically dirty old men or chicks with bitchy cooches. And I'm thankful for both, right? But honestly, like, I understand the harassment that I suffer because, I mean, hell, I was a stripper. I was cake for that. Hashtag, me too. I know what it's like, you know, like they roll in a 400 pound dead guy. I know who's doing the manual labor chest compressions on that, right? You know, so I go over and I jump up on the side of the stretcher like you see in the movie strategy with a chest compression. I'm not doing so good, so I figure I'll go, I go cowboy up on him and, you know, saddle up and do them over top. Well, what had happened Was my scrub pants didn't, like, work like my wranglers used to. And the s. My pants just bolt right out. And you all know I quit wearing a G string after I quit stripping. So here I go, rolling into the ER bay, brown eye winking at the doctor. He's sitting over in the corner, just yelling out, protocols. I need a temperature on that man. Wouldn't, you know, one of these sister wives, I mean, fellow nurses, thought that she would be cute and check my rectal, too. So here I am, trying to be professional, doing CPR with a thermometer hanging out in my rectum, and I'm like, hey, excuse me. What you doing this weekend, girl? Don't get me confused. I need to keep my job. I got four ex wives and four kids. Hashtag, me too. But, you know, even some of my patients get me confused. You know, like, I'll walk in the room first. Before I ask this question, I have to throw out a disclaimer because it's related to healthcare. Do I have any doctors in the room? I got one. She might get this joke. I walk in the room, and immediately my patients look at me and they go, hey, doc, you know, And I gotta stop right there and tell them, I'm sorry. I'm not your doctor. I'm a nurse. I wipe your ass. Yeah, you never see a doctor weaponized, because there's no billing code for that. Put a billing code in there for that, you lose every nurse in this country, they'll all become doctors. But the next thing that they always ask me is they confuse me. They always go, so are you gay? Like, why all of a sudden? Because I'm a man in a nurse position. Do I have to change my sexuality? And what the hell has that got to do with the kind of healthcare I'm gonna provide to you? You know? But I don't answer it like that. I'm just, you know, unprofessional. Always answer that question pretty much the same. And I'd say, well, what had happened was they get a kick out of that, so. But the rest of my set's pretty much dirty. I've got a lot of disgusting jokes that I don't typically tell at Christmas parties for company, so. But I do like to work with the British comedy docket. Do we have anybody here for break? No. Then you're all going to have a hell of a hard time understanding. I mean, this guy's got a strong accent. I love working with him. But it takes this redneck a minute to understand what he said, right? And I'm not scared to use the term redneck nowadays, people. I mean, we have all these different labels for everybody. And in my book, the redneck is close to the hillbilly. And you know, I was a hillbilly at one point. Point. But then I became a hill William because I went to college. You know, I'm testing the waters with this drought to make sure I get into some of my jokes. I can go back and revisit some of my times with my mom when I tortured her. You all remember, y' all remember growing up, you torture your mom or your parents by, you know, assassin them, talking back to them like that kid on YouTube, you know, listen, Linda, Linda, listen, right? That kid, I had that kid. Me, cuz growing up, I. I liked to listen to a radio disc jockey by the name of Wolfman Jack. Anybody here remember Wolf Man? He'd come on Friday nights and be like, oh, what's happening? All you cats and scats is woke, man, Jack up and above the bat as disco your radio waves can handle. Am I right? Yeah. So when my mom would be like, hey, it's time for bed. I would get fired up. I'd be like, oh, what's happening, pretty mama? This is Tommy D sitting on the couch. Can't you see? Just being chill as can be. And then Tide Pod. Sent me to bed with a soapy mouth, so. But I love my mother. She actually encourages me to do a lot. She was one of my biggest fans when I was a stripper and one of my biggest supporters as a nurse. And now she watched my comedy and she's like, oh, my God, I raised a monster. I should have beat you. I don't disagree with her all the time, but, you know, becoming a nurse was interesting part of my life. And I do love taking care of people. I. I do joke around a little bit about it, but there's been some serious stuff that I've seen and, you know, like, for example, when we got Obamacare, I'm not against it or for it, but it changed the way we did healthcare. And what it did was it brought everybody in the world to the emergency room. Like so many examples of what's not an emergency. Like a booger stuck in your nose at 3 in the morning. Under Obamacare, that's a $75 box of tissue smell, blow your nose. Or, you know, these beautiful children they call millennials. Got a few in here, I see. If you're procreating, please read books. Because I had a mother one time. Bring in a child and say, I want him euthanized and his tooth surgically removed. His first loose tooth, you know, got a five year old standing there screaming because his mom wants to put to sleep. Right. Like a doll. So I just reached over and yanked his little tooth out and handed it to her. I said, make sure you leave him $5 under the pillow. We don't use them as either, so. Yeah, but I mean, inflation, people. It's 2018. Men are nurses now. That stuff's $5. I used all my stripper money to go through college. Come on. So, but my dad was not real proud of me being a stripper. And most of that reason is because he knows I'm greedy. So I danced for a lot of gay guys because women don't pay. I mean, I'd have women put $5 in the front. I turn around, they take three out. Embarrassing. I understand the 50% off, but I never took my G string off. I, I, I was not a, I was not a nude stripper. I only went down to a G string. That way I had some kind of integrity left. But seriously, the gay men always paid. And so, you know, as a redneck norm, I did have a racist father. I had Archie Bo as a father. He was racist. He hated gay people and all this. And he didn't know why. He was completely clueless to it because that's the way he was raised. So I went through life experiences that got to change all that. Like, I understood broke back home. It's a beautiful love story about two cowboys that fall in love and they just can't be together because that's the society that we live in. And so when I became a nurse and everybody thought I was gay, I was like, well, damn, maybe I am. I just like women too much. So much so that I got four ex wives. Apparently I don't do that right. Yeah, actually, my brother, I've got two of them and they both think I'm gay. One of them goes by the women I hate and buy them houses because his belief is that with me, the leading cause of my divorces is getting married. So I've had him. We signed a contract though, that he gets to play Call of Duty on me if I ever do decide to get married again. If you don't understand what that is, he gets to be up on a hill somewhere as a sniper. Turned me into a pink cloud when I say I do that one that way, that one's the one I stay married to. Had to move out of Florida, though. Because you can't be married more than five times in the state of Florida. So filed for that divorce and headed out here to where it's hot as hell and I own my ex wife. So it's humid in Florida, but at least there you can stay cool. Not out here in Arizona. The sweat evaporates before it leaves your body dry. Heat is no joke, people. I have never understood why people live in hell. When I first came out here, I was travel nurse. I went to a lot of different recipes, remote areas. And one of these areas was Bullhead City. I believe it's called Hell's Furnace. I work midship one to one. Do you know that 2:30 in the morning, it was still 107 degrees in Bullhead City in the middle of July? Yeah. So I just went to the Colorado river and went to sleep. I think it's like 72 degrees. It's beautiful. And I peed in it because it's fast, so. But I'm getting close to running out of material because you guys just keep laughing and you're like, geez, I can't come up with any more clean jokes. It's running over. I'll give you one. One dirty one that I learned in the emergency room. And then I'm going to bring out the British comedy doc to the wow you with his amazing accent that I have a good time understanding. Can I say that with a lot of love? In the emergency room, I learned that nurses are a little bit freaky. Okay. And it's because we're taught the human anatomy at a very highly scientific level. So we're kind of experts at the human body, you know, so, like take for example, tech people. Okay? You guys are like, probably twerking around on stuff at home, you know, like playing with floppy drives and dragging, you know, softwares and all that good stuff. I'm just saying that nurses might be at home twerking around on stuff too. Okay. Because nurse told me one time, do you know the difference between kinky and perverted? And I looked at her. No. She said, kinky is when you use a feather and perverted is when you use the whole chicken. She figured that out after she took care of a patient one night. A man holding his chicken. Y' all have a wonderful night. I appreciate. I am on Facebook, I am on Instagram. I've got some comedy shows around the Phoenix area and so you can come out and check me out live. And I do appreciate y' all's time. Let's bring up, actually, I'll do the British coffee box.