Forgiving Without Forgetting

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Hello, my friends, and welcome back to A New Life podcast. I'm Pamela Jean, your guide and host of today's podcast. We are diving into a concept that challenges the way we think about forgiveness. Imagine this. Forgiving without forgetting. We've heard the phrase forgive and forget over and over and over. You just have to forgive and forget and get over it. Has anyone ever said that to you? But what if I told you that forgetting really isn't the goal, that real healing comes from remembering without anger? Think back. I want you to just pause for a second and think about someone that you need to forgive. Someone has done something so heinous to you that you're still hanging on to the pain and the hurt, and you're thinking, there's no way I'm forgiving them. They don't deserve my forgiveness. I think we've all been there for being honest with ourselves, but this episode is going to stretch you because we're going to talk about how letting go in a healthy way without losing sight of the lessons you were meant to learn. So without further ado, let's dive in. First of all, I want to talk about the myth of forgive and forget. We've been taught that from forgiveness means wiping the slate clean, pretending that nothing ever happened. But that's not forgiveness. In reality, that's avoidance. That just means you're pretending that it didn't happen to you. True forgiveness isn't about erasing the past. It's about releasing the emotion that goes along with it. Let me be clear. Forgiving doesn't mean excusing. It doesn't mean saying what happened was okay. It means choosing your peace over your past pain. The goal isn't to forget. The goal really is to remember what happened without anger. To take the lesson, release the resentment and move forward lighter, stronger and free. There's a lot of things that happen to us in life, and we can choose to be a victim of those things that happen to us. But if we have the determination and the wherewithal to say, how did this happen for me? What did I need to learn from this horrible experience of my life? I'm not saying you have to be a Pollyanna and think there's always something good out of something bad. But guess what? There is something good out of something bad. It takes work. It takes perseverance. It takes effort. To be able to forgive without being angry when you remember. So if forgiveness isn't forgetting, what actually is it? Forgiveness is a decision. It's a choice that we all get to make. A choice to no longer carry the weight of what has hurt you. It means three things. Acknowledging the pain, but not letting it define you. If you are a victim of abuse, it doesn't mean you're an abused person forever and ever. It means letting go of the need for revenge. That's a tough one, isn't it? I mean, if someone wrongs you, do you not want to go after them and do the same thing to them? I know, I get it. I get also means understanding that forgiveness is for you, not for them. Forgiveness isn't easy. I mean, let's be honest. We want to hold on to that anger because we feel validated. We want to hold onto that anger for our own protection. But in reality, I heard this saying a long time ago and I don't know who to give credit to, but it says it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Staying angry and expecting your anger to actually have an impact on someone else. It's not going to. Forgiveness for you is total and complete freedom. So how do you start forgiving without forgetting? And let's talk about how to actually fundamentally do this. Because forgiving without forgetting is a process. It's not a one time event. You can't just wave the magic wand and say, poof, I forgive them. And now I can not forget without anger, being angry. It's not about that. It's about acknowledging what really happened without judgment. Instead of suppressing the memory, which many of us do, we all do it. If there's something from our childhood that was so traumatizing and horrible, we'll suppress it and try not to ever remember it because it's too painful. But what if instead of suppressing that memory, we faced it, we recognized what happened, how it affected you, and figure out what you learned from it. We've all had things that have happened to us in our lives that when you look back you can say, God, that was a really terrible thing to go through. I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. But I'm grateful for it. I'm stronger, I'm smarter, I'm wiser, I'm better because of it. I'm better because I went through it. I think we all have those things that we can identify what we learned. Something good came out of something bad. The next thing is to separate the act from the emotion. This is so important. And if you take the time to do this, I'm telling you, it's going to be life changing if you let it. The event happened, the bad thing happened, the trauma, whatever it was that happened. That's a fact. That's not something you can change. That is a fact. The pain it caused, that's an emotion. And you are in charge of your emotions. You're in control of what you feel and how you feel it. You can choose to release the emotion while still remembering the experience. So what experience are you remembering? And you're choosing to hang on to the emotion that's attached to that experience. Maybe you lost a parent when you were a child. Maybe you lost a loved one. Maybe you were violated. Maybe someone took advantage of you. Whatever it is, can you remember what happened? Can you remember the event without attaching the emotion to it? It's hard to do. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say that it's easy, because it isn't. But try to separate the act from the emotion and disconnect those two things. Sever that tie, Reframe the story you tell yourself. What are you telling yourself about what happened? What if instead of seeing this as something that broke you, you saw it as something that built you? How has this experience shaped you? Strengthened you? Made you smarter? Made you better? Made you more ambitious, more tenacious, more empathetic? You add the word whatever. What did it do for you? Life is hard. I'm not going to say, oh, life is easy. It's walking through the flowers every day. It's not. It's not. Every person you meet is carrying a hard thing, something that is hard for them, that has hurt them, that has traumatized them. That is difficult. We're all carrying a heavy load. I don't care who you are. Every person you meet is carrying something that you know nothing about. They might look like they have it all together on the outside, but on the inside they do not. So having hard times are guaranteed in life. But victimhood is a choice. Being a victim of what happened to you is absolutely a choice. Look at what happened to you and switch the narrative in your brain and say, okay, how did this happen for me, not to me. Because I believe the hard times are the biggest teachable moments we'll ever, ever experience. The last thing I want to talk about is setting boundaries that protect you. Forgiveness doesn't mean welcoming someone back into your life. If you have an abuser in your life, emotional abuser, physical abuser, whatever the abuser is. Just because you forgive them doesn't mean they get to come back into your life. That's a privilege. And you are the gatekeeper for who is close to you. You are the gatekeeper. When you forgive someone, you can choose to not allow them back in. It means making peace with what happened while choosing what's best for you moving forward. You have that power. As I said, you're the gatekeeper of who gets to come in your world. You get to set the boundaries of who has to stay out. I once worked with a client who was betrayed in business. A partner she trusted, completely trusted her business partner, completely, went behind her back, cost her money, relationships, business. And quite honestly, peace of mind almost took her entire business from her. She trusted her business partner in a way that I think most business partners would. But she was stuck in anger. She was so angry about what happened, and rightfully so. You know when someone takes advantage of you? Absolutely. Anger is an emotion that I think all of us could identify with. But here's the reality. We choose how we feel. We choose if we're angry. It's an emotion we're choosing to be. But she was so stuck in anger and replayed the betrayal over and over and over like a complete spin cycle, refusing to let it go. She thought forgiveness meant excusing them, giving them a hall pass, and she was not willing to do that. She was not going to forgive because they didn't deserve forgiveness. But when she learned that forgiveness was for her, not for her business partner, she learned she could forgive and still remember the lesson. Everything changed for her. She looked at the gaps in her business where she allowed her business partner to take advantage of certain areas where she did not have her eye on the ball. She let them take too much responsibility from her. She stopped feeling like a victim. She rebuilt her business smarter and stronger because of that experience. And most importantly, she got her peace back and her business. Now I want you to ask yourself, who do I need to forgive? Not because they deserve it, but because you do. You deserve to release the chains and the shackles of being burdened by what happened to you. Release yourself from that. Set yourself free. This week, I want you to practice reframing. Think about a past hurt and ask, what did this teach me? How can I let go of anger while keeping this lesson? Imagine if you can forgive someone and not forget. But remember, without anger, forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. It's not for anyone else but you. And the most powerful thing you can do is choose to remember, without carrying anger. Friends, if this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who needs it. And if you're ready for a deeper coaching on designing the life of your dreams, let's connect. If you are interested in taking your life to a deeper level, reach out to me. Send me an email@pamelajean HTML new life.com and I'm sorry not.com a new life gmail.com and we'll connect. Until next time, my friends. Remember, a new life is always within your reach. But choose healing now. Thank you for listening to A New Life podcast. If you love this episode, be sure to subscribe. 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