Why You Aren't Winning the Power Struggle and What to Do Instead

A power struggle happens when two individuals are each trying to win or get the upper hand. This usually happens during a time of heightened emotion or conflict. Now, if you feel like you're usually losing a power struggle, I bet you're right. I bet you are losing. I'm Sasha Long. I'm a board-certified behavior analyst and former special ed teacher and founder and president of The Autism Helper. And let's talk about why you're losing the power struggle and how to switch that up. Now, I don't know you, I don't know your child, and I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you are losing most power struggles. How can I possibly know this? How can I know this when I don't know you or your child? Guess why I can make that sweeping generalization? It's because adults usually lose the power struggle. And I'm gonna even go farther than that. I'm gonna even go as crazy as saying that adults always lose the power struggle because in a power struggle, the adult cannot win, and I even think the child cannot win. No one wins in a power struggle. No one. Because in a power struggle, that child is not in a place to learn. They are not ready to learn new information. They are— again, they're trying to win, they're trying to get the upper hand. They're not trying to learn a new skill. A power struggle usually wastes a lot of time. Breaks down rapport, relationships, trust, and accomplishes no learning. So you're losing. Even if you think that sometimes you've won the power struggle, you're like, wait, Sasha, there is this time back in 2021 where you weren't there. I think I won. I waited him out. I won. He eventually did what I asked him, or this happened, or whatever. Even if eventually you felt like you won, You really didn't because you broke down, likely, trust and rapport. You wasted a lot of time, and even if you eventually got the outcome that you wanted with that child, it wasn't in the way that learning happens, and that likely is not going to result in a positive response in the future in a way that learning and skill acquisition should. So how do we avoid this? Well, we avoid the power struggle. The power struggle is a place we don't want to be in because once we're in the power struggle, we know the outcome, we're losing. So what do we do? First off, we're gonna start looking for precursor behaviors. Precursor behaviors are things that typically happen before a power struggle. A power struggle doesn't happen outta nowhere. There's typically agitation, frustration, small problem behaviors that are happening leading up to a bigger power struggle. You want to get good at looking for those. When I see a student having fists or, you know, maybe scratching their desk or starting to swear more or fidget more or stim more often or having more echolalic behavior, I might know for that child that those are precursor behaviors. Maybe they're shutting down, putting their head down on the desk. Maybe their, you know, chin is all tucked in. That, for that child, could be a precursor behavior. You want to see those and you want to start responding when you see the precursor behaviors. That should be a big red flag to you that something is not going well, and if I don't change what I'm doing as the adult, that we are heading to power struggle land, and we don't want to go there. And we have changed something for us because remember, as the adult, the only behavior that we have complete control of is our own. So we've got to change something up. That child is telling you with that precursor behavior, I need more support, more help, more skills, more something. So we've got to respond then. Maybe that child needs a break. Maybe that child needs more attention. Maybe that child needs some type of sensory response, sensory input. So when we see those precursor behaviors, that's when we're taking action to avoid the power struggle. The, the goal is all about avoiding the power struggle. So number 1, precursor behaviors. We're all about figuring out what those precursor behaviors are. Number 2, if we start to get ourselves stuck in a power struggle, or maybe even the pre-power struggle, like we're not there yet because we haven't engaged, but the child is trying to get us to take the bait, what we're gonna do as the adult, as the one that's in charge of our own behavior, is we are not gonna play tug of war. We don't like that game. I don't want to get rug burn or rope burn, whatever it's called. No thank you. I'm gonna drop the rope. I'm gonna walk away. It could be literally I walk away or figuratively I walk away. I am choosing to not engage with that power struggle. And often what that looks like in the moment and what that feels like in the moment is it feels It feels like you're letting that child get away with it. Well, Sasha, that child just threw his work task across the room. I need to go tell him that he can't do that, that that was inappropriate, that he shouldn't do that. Guess what? He knows he shouldn't throw his work task. That's why he did it. You choosing to go respond and react right in that moment is engaging in the power struggle. And we're gonna give it a minute. We're not saying we're allowing that behavior. We're not saying we're gonna go pick it up after him. We're just not choosing in that moment to react because in that moment when we react, we're choosing to engage in the power struggle. And typically that escalates a behavior and could, could for some kids go to a crisis situation. So you're not letting him get away with it. You are choosing as the adult to not escalate the behavior. So maybe you let that work task just lay on the ground for a minute. You wait for everyone to take a beat. Giving even a minute or two is helpful for you as the adult to figure out what strategy, what responsive strategy you want to use, and it's helpful for that child to calm down for a minute. That child needs to de-escalate, and they typically need time and space from you to do that. So when you go back 2 minutes later after they threw the work task in a calm tone of voice, which you probably wouldn't have been able to do if you went right away, and were like, "Hey, we don't throw things in this classroom. I need you to pick up that work bin." Then we might have a better response. The third thing that we wanna really lean on in these situations is choice. I love talking about choice. When I teach executive functions, I talk about choice in 9 of the 11 executive functions. I counted the other day when I was teaching it because I was like, do I talk about it with all 11? But I actually think it's helpful for all 11 executive functions. When a student is engaging in consistent power struggle type behaviors, they are communicating to you that they feel lack of control because they're trying to take control, right? So when we give choice to a student, we are giving them control. Right? So give choice. In that work task box situation where they threw the work task box, you could go over and say, "Hey, after you pick up that work task box, would you rather do a math worksheet or a reading puzzle?" They've communicated they hate that work task. Cool, I hate it too. Sorting coins, so boring. Do you want to do a math worksheet or a reading puzzle? They're still doing work. But you're giving them a choice about what work to do, and they have to pick up the work task to get, to get access to it. So follow up with a choice, giving them control. Choice is also a really helpful strategy to prevent you from getting to that situation. We want to, in general, with power struggles, lean as proactive as possible. If we could just never get to the power struggle, we'll all be happy. And a great way to get yourself in the right path of that is giving lots of choices. And when I say giving choices, it's like, "What do you wanna do today?" No, no, no. It's giving choices with curated options. Do you wanna start with reading or math first? Do you wanna sit at the table or on the floor? Do you wanna do your work in green pen or purple pen? Do you wanna work with me or Ms. Thomas? Do you wanna start at the bottom of the worksheet or the top of the worksheet? So you're giving curated options, not just like, "What do you feel like doing?" Because that's putting the student in control of what they're doing, but you're still navigating their day. They're still getting work done. So power struggles— we're not winning them, so we're not engaging in them. We are identifying precursor behaviors and responding to these as cries for help and responding appropriately with the supports those students need. If we get stuck in a power struggle, we're going to give time and space and lean in with a choice and a responsive strategy that supports that child and really teach those missing skills away from that problem behavior. I'm Sasha Long. I'm the founder and president of The Autism Helper. Please click like on this video and follow our channel. We've got a lot more videos on behavior coming up soon.