In this recorded keynote/after‑dinner comedy routine, Paul Sloane—performing under the stage name Dirk Fireball— spins a self‑deprecating narrative about a string of ill‑fated jobs (orange‑juice factory, pool maintenance, commando unit, banana‑fryer, taxi driver) that culminate in his decision to become a professional speaker. He lampoons motivational‑speaker clichés, recounts disastrous speaking engagements (a hoax call to the National Fire Brigades, a hostile Vistage audience, a baffling question about grazing animals), and repeatedly tells the same joke to the British Amnesiacs Conference to highlight absurdity. The routine then satirizes the Professional Speakers Association (PSA), re‑branding it as “Previously Successful, Allegedly,” and delivers a grotesque doctor‑patient gag involving a hot poker. The set closes with a heartfelt, albeit darkly humorous, anecdote about his grandfather’s advice to “keep opening doors,” juxtaposing the comedic chaos with a sincere moral about perseverance. Throughout, the tone is irreverent, witty, and self‑critical, using exaggeration and absurdity to both entertain and subtly critique the culture of relentless positivity in professional speaking.
Chapters
Next up, our penultimate comic of the first half, Paul Sloane. Good evening, speakers. My name's Paul Sloane. That's not my real name, that's my stage name, obviously. My real name is Dirk Fireball. You can call me Dirk if you want. And before I became a speaker, I had a lot of different jobs, but I was always unlucky. You know, I got a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. And then I got a job in swimming— I worked in swimming pool maintenance, but I found the work just too draining. I was expelled from the Commandos for wearing underpants. I mean, how unlucky is that? And then I got a job cutting up bananas and frying them in oil and selling them to people. But I felt I was just frittering my life away. Anyway, the turning point came when I heard a motivational speaker, and she was all about the power of positive thinking. And she said, what you've got to do is go the extra mile for your customers. And I tried that. Unfortunately, I lost my job as a taxi driver because of that very advice. It's hard luck. So I thought, What the heck, I may as well become a professional speaker. How hard can it be? But even there I've been very unlucky, you know. I was asked to go and speak at the National Fire Brigades conference. And when I got there they didn't want me. It was a hoax call. I mean, how unlucky is that? That's terrible, yeah. And I spoke at a Vistage. Do you do Vistage? Yes. I did a Vistage group and After the first session, I said to one of the members, I said, what did you think of my presentation so far? He said, he said, Paul, he said, Dirk, he said, um, he said, it's the biggest load of old rubbish I've ever heard in my life. So naturally I was disappointed. I went to the chair, I said, what did I do to upset that particular member? He said, well, he said, Dirk, he said, don't worry about that member. He said, he doesn't have an original thought in his head. All he does is repeat what he hears everyone else saying. So, you know, I felt a lot better after that. I felt a lot better. But I gave a talk to another group, and I was just about to begin my talk, and this chap in the front raised his hand. He said, can I ask a question? I said, okay, why not? He said, well, let me ask you this. He said, how is it that a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass? But a cow sort of poops pancakes, and a horse does big fluffy balls, and a deer does little pellets. And I thought about this for a minute, and I said, I've no idea. And he says, well, what makes you think you can come here and lecture us about creativity, lateral thinking, and innovation when you don't know shit? But I speak at various— most recently I spoke at a gig at the British Amnesiacs National Conference. British Amnesiacs, it's a good gig, that. And I told a story and they all laughed. So I thought, I'll tell the same story again. So I told the same story again and they laughed again. So I told it again and they laughed again. I told the same story 12 times. They laughed every time. And I went off the stage to applause. Fantastic. Afterwards, the conference organizer came up to me, said, That was a fantastic talk. He said, but how do you remember it all? So I speak at various gigs. I spoke recently at the British Amnesiacs Conference, and I told a story. So, um, I spoke at the golf club, and the speaker, the previous speaker, was so slow he had to let 2 other speakers through. That's a golf joke. Yeah, all right. So I decided to join the PSA, and very, very helpful people in the PSA. I'd like to thank the person earlier who translated the French word beaucoup for me. Thank you, it means a lot. Beaucoup. And— but PSA, all the people in the PSA, I don't know whether you've noticed, they're very helpful, supportive, Positive and totally delusional. I mean, most of them, they talk about all the great things they've achieved. You know, they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro when they had some terrible adversity, you know, their tennis elbow, or the day of the World Tiddlywinks final, their hamster died, they had to deal with it, you know, all this stuff. And they sold loads of stuff, and now they tell people about selling. Or they did great marketing, and now they tell people about marketing. Have you noticed? They've all stopped doing what they were successful at, and now they just talk about it. I think the PSA should really stand for previously successful, allegedly. So, um, a man went to the doctor's and he said to the doctor, he says, I've got a speech impediment, I can't speak properly, I want to do a PSA. The doctor said, speak up, man, what are you saying? I've got a speech impediment, I can't speak properly. I want to join the PSA to be a festival speaker. The doctor said, oh, you've got a speech impediment, why didn't you say? All right, well, to join the PSA you need perfect diction. But fortunately for you, I can help. So just drop your trousers and bend over that chair. Nothing wrong with me arse. It's me speech, I can't speak properly. The doctor said, look, I'm the expert. Go to that chair, drop your trousers, and bend over. Drops his trousers, and the doctor says, hang your underpants to the chair. And so the man's looking very, very nervous, and it's an old-fashioned surgery, and there was a fire, and in the fire was a poker. You know what's coming. And the doctor went and he got the poker, and he went up to the man, and he took the red-hot poker and he stuck it right up the man's backside. And the poor man went, A! The doctor said, very good. Come back next week, we'll do B. True story, true story. Would you believe that man went on to become president of the PSA? I mean, it's incredible! He went on to run the whole PSA. It's fantastic. Fantastic, I know. I've gone on about the power of positive thinking. I want to leave you with one final thought, really. And it's the most powerful piece of positive thinking advice I ever received. And my grandfather gave it to me when I was a little boy. He sat me on his knee and he said, Dirk, he said, as you go through life, he said, you've got to keep opening doors. And I've done that. I've tried many different things. I've kept going through life opening doors. It's been very useful advice. What's the most powerful thing you've ever done? Unfortunately, my grandfather died when he was sucked out of an airplane at 35,000 feet, but it's still great advice, and I'd like to leave you with that thought. I've been Dirk Fireball. It's been my pleasure to entertain you. Thank you very much! Mr. Dirk Fireball, ladies and gentlemen!
