Paul Sloane's comedy set at the PSA Comedy Night 2020

First up, we have, making his second appearance at the comedy evening, please put your hands together quietly for Mr. Paul Sloane. Thank you, Alan, and good evening, speakers. So is this pandemic getting you down? It's getting me down, and I've noticed something about it. I've noticed that it's mutating because it started off as coronavirus and now it's COVID-19. I noticed that and I'm not even a biochemist. And what's the difference between coronavirus and COVID-19? I'll tell you, only one of them's got a beer named after it. So there's an opportunity for a brewer to cash in on COVID-19. Hi guys, would you like another COVID-19? And if you're a tough guy, you drink it. But it's starting to get me down, you know, I'm starting to feel a bit like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Have you seen that film where he's sitting in this big empty house, he's typing nonsense into a keyboard like I do all day, He's gradually going crazy. I mean, I haven't put an axe through a door yet, but I think it's just a matter of time before that happens. And what I've noticed about COVID-19 is that they say all the deaths are people who had underlying complaints, and that's worrying because I've been grumbling about my lumpy mattress for a long time, and I think that probably counts as an underlying complaint, does it? I'm not sure, think about it. Anyway, but it also gives an indication of who started the virus. I mean, a lot of people think it started in Wuhan in a Chinese laboratory, but if you think who is— who has a motive to kill off people with complaints, the answer's obvious, isn't it? It's the Ryanair customer service department. I mean, they hate people with complaints, and now what they can say is, you phone up, you've got a complaint, die. That's— so I think that's— think about it. I mean, it's obvious they're the ones that started the whole thing. And we all have to wear masks. You have to go out wearing masks all the time. That's really tedious. The only people who like wearing masks are bank robbers. And if you think about it, if you're a bank robber, you're walking down the street, no one can tell you where you are. You go in the bank, you rob it, you walk out with the loot, you get on the bus, you go home, and the police say to the bus driver, did you see him? Yes. What does he look like? Looks like everyone else. So, so there's a big opportunity for people to move into, to bank robbery. There's going to be— it's a booming area, I think. And I'm expecting Rishi Sunak to announce a government program to retrain people from the hospitality industry to become bank robbers. Makes sense, think about it. But the government, some of their other things are a bit— don't make a lot of sense. This thing about closing all the pubs at 10 o'clock, I don't like that. I think we'd be better if we staggered the closing times. I mean, English people staggering out of pubs at different times, that's the English way, isn't it, if you think about it? So recently, because I reached the age of 45, I had the flu jab. Some people say, what's the point? Well, I got the point in my arm. I went to the flu jab station, it was a drive-in place, but the funny thing was, the funny thing was there was a big 5G mast there and there were pictures of Bill Gates everywhere. And ever since I've had the flu jab, I keep getting these visions and dreams about lizards and Windows and Excel and spreadsheets. I don't know. Well, anyway, you probably understand, I don't understand it. But I did get the COVID app, I downloaded it onto my phone. Have you done that? You got the COVID app? It's very good, it's quite easy. I got to level 7 on day 1. The way to advance in the game is to invent symptoms, and I said I can't taste anything. People said, well, that's plain Paul because you've never had any taste for a long time, which is probably true. But what you do is you invent a bunch of symptoms, you put them in, and then they immediately get in touch. They say, who have you been in close contact with? And what you do then is you think of the 3 most annoying people you can think of. I said Piers Morgan, Nigel Risner, Alan Stevens, and they'll all get confined to barracks for the next 2 weeks. So that's a result, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. Think about it. I've just blown the Comedy Prize, but not to worry. Um, so my speaking business has gone down. I haven't had a lot of speaking business this year, but, uh, I, I can honestly say I've generated more income from speaking this year than Donald Trump has paid in taxes in the last 4 years. That's how successful I've been. The last conference I went to, I spoke at, was an underwear conference. I only went to that because I had a vested interest. So I've been doing a lot of gardening because my speaking business is down, and I had to weed the whole garden, but it was too much for me. In the end, I had to throw in the trowel. Oh, it's bad. I've been unlucky. I've been very unlucky. Yesterday I lost my favorite tool. That was a wrench. And we're down to our last 500 toilet rolls now in the house, and I went out to get some more, and you know what? Stupid panic buyers have bought them all up. The mentality of some people is just unbelievable. So what I've been trying to do while I've been waiting, I've been trying to develop an alternative for butter. I call it Super Spreader. Oh! That's not the gag. The problem with finding an alternative to butter Is there's hardly any margin for error. I've been playing more golf. I go out and I play golf, but I'll tell you something I've noticed about golf. I don't know whether you've ever noticed if you play golf. If you're playing golf and you go for a wee on the course, you go in the woods away from you and you're having a wee, and when you look down, you always find a lost golf ball. It's true. And the amazing thing is, when you pick it up, it's always wet. Oh! It's true, honestly. I don't know why. Anyway, think about it. So the other thing is Brexit is the big thing that's coming. A lot of people blame the media for causing Brexit— the Express, the Mail, the Sun. You know, the Sun newspaper, it has its knockers, but I think it's okay. All right. There are some things about Europe that annoy me, and I won't mind missing them. For example, those French pancake shops— they give me the creeps. I went to the Czech Republic. I went to the Czech Republic once to do a speaking. I wasn't made very welcome there. I think it's because I was wearing stripes. But, and I went to Warsaw Stadium to watch a football match, and the problem there is you get a terrible view wherever you sit. You're stuck behind a pole. Now they're poles apart. That's probably the worst. I went to the Middle East speaking. And I, I was— had a big job on the day, but I was woken up at 4 in the morning by a man in a minaret screeching at the top of his voice. And you might think that was amusing, but I didn't. I think he was a member of the local chapter of the PSA, the Persistently Screeching in Arabic Society. My time's nearly up. I want to leave you with one final thought, and I know you're motivational speakers, so here's a motivational thought for you. During this pandemic, what you should do as speakers is sit tight, stand up for what you believe in, and bend over backwards to help your customers. If you can do those things, you can succeed. Think about it. Thank you. Thank you very much, Paul. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Sloane. Another slide around.