Be Who You Came to Be | 692 | Tara Renze

And welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Peter Winick. I'm the founder and CEO at Thought Leadership Leverage, and you're joining us on the podcast today, which is Leveraging Thought Leadership. Today, my guest is Tara Renzi. She is an author, a keynoter, an emotional intelligence and impos— and positive intelligence practitioner, a podcaster, a thought leader. And then she throws in her bio, wife and mother, which I don't know if those should be the lead or what.

What's the lead? Probably the lead.

Depends on the day, right?

So exactly.

Anyway, welcome aboard. How are you today, Tara?

Hey, thanks so much for having me on. I'm actually having an incredible week.

That's good. Given that it's Thursday, it's not Monday morning, so that's a—

I was out walking my dogs this morning and I was like, oh, it is Thursday. For some reason I thought it was Wednesday, but that's when you know you're being productive when Time is flying.

So let me ask you one of my favorite questions, cuz I get to do that. How did this happen? How did you get here? What was the, the grand master plan that in third grade you decided this is exactly where you wanna be right now?

In third grade, I was like, I'm definitely gonna be a keynote speaker someday.

Yeah.

And, uh, no, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't in my cards. Although if I look back at my life, I feel like everything I've done got me to where I, I am today. So, Interestingly enough, I actually went to college on a theater and voice scholarship. So I was always into performance. I was a musician, I was a singer, I was, um, into, you know, theatrical productions.

And so you, were you one of those like little annoying theater kids? Well, maybe they're not so that like any living room, were you any like, I was that kid, you know?

I mean, I, I literally was. And my whole family's very musically oriented. So we do, you know, all kinds of performances around here. It's not uncommon to break into song and dance, although our children are complete athletes. And I'm like, I don't know what happened to the musical ability and how it didn't pass on to them. But, um, so I, I did that and then I worked in the corporate world. I actually switched my major in college and I went into communication studies and I worked in sales and sales leadership for almost 2 decades that I did that in, in a couple different capacities. And it was during that time that my grandmother wrote this note to my son with her life's advice. She was 87 years old and she wrote this beautiful little letter to him the week that he was born. He was the, the first grandchild. And in her beautiful little wobbly black ink, she said, be who you came to be. Love will guide you. And that really ignited a mission in me as a, as a new mother to say, hey, I wanna raise these kids, my two boys, to be who they came to be, not who I wanted 'em to be or the world wanted 'em to be, or their dad wanted to be that, but really help them figure out who they are. And along the way, I kind of started thinking about that message in terms of my life and permission to grow and change and evolve. This idea that we never arrive, like being who we came to be is, is a lifelong assignment. And then I started sharing the message and people loved it so much that I made it my life's work back in 2018, which, you know, got me back onto the stage again. So here I am. So it is, it is kind of a—

so now you're basically, it actually all makes sense because you're on the stage but working for corporate, right? 'Cause they're paying the bills to get you on the stage. Yeah. And talking about you, but talking about your stuff. So it kind of. I always say it's like, what, you know, what is the, the ingredients of the unique smoothie that is you, right? So it, it is, makes total sense.

You know, I think it's why we just always have to trust the path and to just follow what's the most fulfilling things in our lives and what we're doing, giving ourselves the permission to change. But when we look back, like, it all connects and aligns. I actually have this saying in life, like, it not working out always works out. And I think so many times in our lives when something doesn't work out, or something changes and it feels so hard, we think, oh my gosh, how's, what am I gonna ever do? And really it was just that, uh, you know, divot, new direction that we needed to continue actually on the path that was meant for us.

No, and I think there's this, um, false sense of comfort or security or call it what you will, that everything's linear, right? If I do this for 2 years, I'll get the promotion to do that. If I do this and then Save up money and buy, you know, like there's things happen and then whatever. But then it's all of a sudden the, the, the unexpected that get thrown at, you know, you lose a job or a relationship falls apart, whatever it is that, whoa, that wasn't in my, that wasn't in the plans that are really the things that help you get to where you're supposed to be or currently are and figured out how to be. So tell me a little bit about the current business model. So who, Who's paying you to do what? Who's bringing you in to say, ah, she's the perfect match for this?

Yeah. Well, when I first started speaking, I spoke predominantly to women, to female audiences, and I, you know, so much of the message in my heart was for working women as a working mom. Um, you know, now caring for my elderly mother and just all the things that, that women go through. And I feel like so often women really do lose themselves once they start the family and the career and they're putting everything before themselves. So. You know, the, the message originally was written to women. My book actually is written to women. And then something interesting happened, which we— was the pandemic, which kind of changed the landscape of business in general. And I think especially how employers thought about their human capital, their, you know, the, the people that worked for them, their talent. And suddenly the message of being who we came to be, really helping our— helping other people. With their growth as much as their output became so important and relevant in the workforce that my message caught a lot of traction to other industries. And even though I said I spoke to women, like, it wasn't like my message was only made sense for women, and it wasn't even— I, it didn't— I didn't even speak to them as like, you know, girl to girl. It was still a message for the masses, but it was tailored to that original audience. And so, well, but now you think to so many different types of audiences.

Stay there for a minute because I, I've seen this path before and it seems logical, but there are some unintentional consequences from that. So a woman that's got a woman's experience like you do, right? Hey, I'll speak to women's group because they're like me and they can relate to me. Right. I'm a mom, like whatever. And it makes sense. But the, sometimes the problem with that is the first door that you walk through in a company sets the tone for how they perceive you and what, what's next. So if you come in, again, my two cents for what it's worth, from my experience, if you come in through the women's initiative group or the LGBT group or the Asian left-hander, whatever it is, right? Then there's a perception of, oh, that's one of those things, right? And right now, unfortunately, that stuff's out of favor. But there isn't anything that your work does or that you talk about that isn't really, or shouldn't really be at the main table, which is, okay, this is a, a business issue, right? We're, we're, we're raising kids, we're struggling, sandwich, sandwich generation, et cetera. Yes, maybe women are taking hold of, taking more burden than this, but how does this impact employee retention, customer satisfaction, our creativity, our growth as a company? And I think if that's your first touchpoint with a company, it gives you a better position to get to the next step. Does that—

100%. It, it, you know, I was fortunate and I, you know, I was fearful like, gosh, what if I get pigeonholed as a female-only speaker? And I do think that, you know, it's kind of, it's tricky as a public speaker though, because I do believe that to get, to get traction early on, the narrower the focus, the easier it is to find the right audience for your message versus being like, my message is for everyone. And so I, I do think, you know, as, as much as the pandemic sucked, it, it was fortunate for me because it gave me this, uh, this time to, you know, rework the message to, to have it work for other audiences. And again, there was such a need there for like, hey, we not only wanna make our people more productive and better at, you know, at the job and drive more revenue, but ultimately right now we want 'em to know that we care about them as human beings. We wanna help them with their emotional intelligence, their self-regard, their self-awareness. We really wanna pour into them as individuals. Knowing that that's what will fuel the output, the innovation, the culture, um, the creativity, the, um, you know, the, the belonging within an organization.

But stay there for a minute. So I, I, I talk about this a lot with clients and many agree and some don't, and that's okay, that you really have to serve two masters as a speaker and, and more generally as a thought leader. One is the user, the butt in the seat at the conference, right? The per, the, The guy or gal sitting there shaking their head and leaning in and going, yeah, I get that. Right. That makes sense. That was a great keynote. Thank you. Thank you. It resonates with me. I could relate. I could think about that. Cool. But then there's the economic buyer, right? Which may or may not be in the room. And even if they are in the room, they have a different set of expectations. What they're saying is, hey, we're gonna pay you this chunk of money. We're gonna give you this time that's really valuable of 100, 500, 1,000 of our people. And as a result of that, that lines up to an initiative that we have, uh, something that we've got going on. It's gonna help us grow. It's gonna help us be more innovative, more creative, serve our clients better, whatever. What's the language that you speak to the economic buyer? 'Cause I think it's pretty obvious to the, the end user. Right. This is gonna be a great session. Show up.

Right.

But how do you make your case to the economic buyer of—

Yeah.

Because some people put this in the, the soft squishy bucket, which it's not.

It is, you know, it was interesting. I think when I first started out, it was this fear of like, is this message soft? Which I hate that word, but it is. Yeah. Like, you know, there was a time where a keynote speaker was there to, again, increase sales, drive revenue, or they had some, you know, um, they had, they were a CEO of a company, they had done something epic, and that was kind of the baseline for like what they would bring in. And I, you know, obviously as an emotional intelligence practitioner, I know and I believe that the majority of our success in life is not about how smart we are, but it's about our emotional intelligence, how we choose to show up and how we make other people feel. Right. So, you know, this be who you came to be message, it has been a really interesting journey to navigate because obviously the end, the end user of the message is the individual sitting in the audience. But guess who, who pays me to come speak? The, the, the corporations, the associations.

Right. No. And that's my point is you don't get a choice of during today's keynote, which group am I gonna make happy? The answer is both.

Right? Both. And it is true because, and I do, you know, it's, it's been a really interesting journey of the positioning of the message, which as you know, is so important of, you know, it's going to make your people better individuals. It's gonna elevate their self-regard, their confidence, um, their ability to self-assess and understand what they're doing, take control of their success. Which in turn ultimately fuels everything within an organization. You know, you're all— people always say we're only as good as our people, but if your people have low self-regard, no confidence, are not creative, are not taking care of themselves, everything else falls short. And so it goes back to this notion of like, when we work on ourselves, everything else gets better. And I don't think that anyone could ever think of a time in their life where they said, hey, I'm gonna actually start investing in me, in my personal achievement, my creativity, goals that I want. When we do that, guess what happens? We show up better at work. We have more patience. We're more creative. We have more confidence. Um, we're more tenacious. We're more forgiving for other people. And so it's this idea that when people show up as their best, they're emotionally intelligent enough to understand that they're not their thoughts. Their thoughts are data. I get to choose how I show up. It's kind of, it's, you know, it's the, it's the fuel for everything else that can happen within an organization.

Two reactions to that. First is my, my perspective, my experience is that great content, great thought leadership is the thought leadership where somebody reads your stuff, listens to you on a podcast, sees you speak or whatever, and they go home and that night at the dinner table with their partner and kids or whoever, they say, wow, I saw this person today. Let me, like, they had some really cool thoughts right now. People practicing Six Sigma don't come home, one would hope, and say, hey honey, I figured out how we're gonna optimize the, you know, productivity of our relationship by, you know, removing the waste. And here's how we're gonna do this in a Six Sigma way. Not really something you'd say over a candlelit dinner and dim lights and nice bottle of Cabernet, one would hope, right? But when you could, it just feels like you don't even have to tell people, you know, feel free to use this after 5 o'clock as well. So do you get a lot of feedback that like, oh my God, I, here's what I did at the dinner table or, or whatever?

Yeah. I, you know, the message, be who you came to be. It's, it's very simple.

Yeah.

But it's very profound and thought-provoking. Interestingly enough, when I went to have that trademarked, 'cause I knew, I was like, this is, I knew I had something. I thought, oh my God, this is just gonna be insane to try to get this trademark. No one in the history of the world has ever tried to trademark it, has said, be who you came to be. A lot of times people say, be you. Or be yourself, or, you know, be who you're meant to be.

Well, didn't the Army have be all that you can be? Wasn't that the Army at one point?

Be all with the Navy. Yeah. The whole jingle with that. Um, but be who you came to be. It's an entirely different way to think about who you are and what are you doing with your time on earth as a human being. And so there is so much resonance to taking the message whether it's back to the office, but more than likely taking it back to the home and saying, hey, I heard the speaker, she said, be who you came to be. And then they start thinking about it. I mean, people have told me like, we, this has become our north star in our entire household. We use it with our children. I use it with my spouse. It's so empowering. It's memorable. And I think most of all, it's just very relatable to every single person in the audience. It's this notion that we're all ordinary. But we can have an extraordinary life and an extraordinary impact on other people.

And so it is interesting, you know, back to Peter Winick, because you're inherently asking what's the gap between what you're capable of and where you are. And everybody's got a gap. It could be a millimeter or it could be a mile. And getting people to realize, listen, my days here are, are numbered or limited, and I gotta close that gap, right? 'Cause I don't have, I don't live forever.

Um, well, I think, I think most of all we, We have this notion that we should have arrived. You know, we get a lot of advice in our life about do this and achieve this and try this all up until like our 20s. And then we start putting all our eggs in the career basket and the family basket, which are great baskets. Um, but we start forgetting that as the individual, we are the biggest part of the equation and we're actually the magic to everything working. And so Be Who You Came to Be is this notion that you never arrive. You're always a work in progress. There's always a chance for an uplevel. And so it gives people this permission to, to never feel like which so many of us do of like, once I achieve, I think you were saying this earlier, once I achieve this, then I'm gonna have success. Once this happens or I make this amount of money, where instead it's like, this is a lifelong assignment. Um, and I love the word assignment because it's something that we have to think about, we have to focus on. It's required of us, you know, to, to really make it important. Um, so yeah, I mean, who knew that, you know, two decades ago when my grandmother wrote this note that It not only would change my life, but now it's changed, you know, thousands and thousands of lives across the globe.

You're lucky she didn't copyright it. You'd be, you'd be paying royalties.

Maybe inherited that copyright.

I think the next time, like when you write notes to your grandchildren one day, just put the little TR mark on the napkins so they know.

Yeah.

Kick up some granny if, uh, if this becomes a thing. Oh yeah. Which leads me to my next question actually. So, so now you get them riled up on state, right? They've read the book. They see on stage, their eyes are lit up, they're leaning in, you can read their, their, their body language and such. What, if any, other tools, offering solutions do you have for them? Because this is where I think sort of keynoting sort of hits a wall sometimes.

Right.

If you sort of lead me somewhere and like, wow, I read your book, see you in the room, feeling all jazzed.

Now what?

Yeah. Uh, now, right, exactly. Where's act 2?

Yeah. It was just like, so The keynote itself is full of actionable transformational tools, mindset shifts and hacks that the, that the, you know, the, the audience can start implementing immediately. You know, I always say like nothing I talk about is rocket science. Again, it's very relatable, very easy to implement. Um, in addition, there is a downloadable Be Who You Came to Be workbook at the end. They get my Tara's Tuesday Tips, but ultimately the whole keynote is this, um, experience of, of taking the audience member from understanding it to seeing how they can create this. How they can own who they are, and then how do they live it? And this is where the action items come, and this is where the fuel really starts happening and the, and the message continues to go is because I challenge the audience members to live it by igniting what I call butterfly goals, which is I invented this butterfly goal because we've always had the SMART goals and the career goals, but the butterfly goals are this, this, it's like the, the transformation that occurs if the caterpillar does become the butterfly. And again, it goes back to this, like we never arrive. And so many times we think, oh, I'm just a caterpillar. And you, we stop believing that we could be more or do more. And all these simple, creative, personal goals that we've had for ourselves, we just let them go. We think I'm too old, it's too late, there's no time. And so I challenge the audience to, to ignite what I call these butterfly goals, which are these transformational personal goals that then again start fueling our creativity, authenticity, and allowing us to be who we came to be. So mine was, um, you know, one of mine, of many, was to get on a game show. It was just like, I grew up in the '80s. It was my childhood dream to get on the, on a game show. I've lived in Kansas my whole life, so The shot of getting on a game show is very difficult when they don't film any game shows in Kansas. And so, you know, when I was in my 40s, I was like, I'm gonna get on the damn game show. And so sure enough, I mean, I got cast on ABC's $100,000 Pyramid. They ended up flying me to New York. It was a, a long story on how I got cast, but I did. And then I got on the game show and had an epic failure that I just turned the setback into a comeback and end up winning a decent amount of money on this, on this game show. I share that story. I share the story of like the guy who said, hey, I, What I really, my transformational butterfly goal is I want to grow a tomato garden. I've always wanted to grow tomatoes. I've never been able to figure it out. He went and grew the tomatoes and it, you know, the joy of growing the tomatoes, figuring it out, and then sharing the tomatoes and, you know, making salsas and, you know, pasta sauces and all things. There's people who, there's a gal right now who, her butterfly goal, she messaged me and she said, I loved your keynote so much. She's like, I have already contacted the city of Cincinnati and I'm trying to figure out how I can get my mural. On a wall. Like, I'm an artist, I've always wanted to do this.

Very cool.

I want to learn how to do a handstand. Um, you know, it's just, it's so interesting and people, it gives them the permission to reignite these fun personal goals that then fuel— well, and I love that you're getting into everything.

Most, most when you think about your SMART goals or what's the balance of my 401k account going to be when I'm 35 or 40 or whatever, but like, there's nowhere where they tell you and make a goal to do a handstand by the time, you know, By Tuesday. Like, but that's, but that's, it's, it's fun, right? You know, it's fun and quirky and, and not everything has to have a, be on the balance sheet. And, you know, we're wired, listen, there's so much that we do that is KPI driven and profit driven and all that, which is great. But it's like, huh, I don't know how to make marmalade. Like, meh, can be kind of fun to figure out.

Yeah. And the reason these are important for companies, 'cause I think so many times companies are like, well, why do I care if my You know, my CEO can do a handstand or, you know, my new sales rep can grow a tomato garden. It, it goes back into the caring about their growth. And it's not just these transactional things, it's these transformational things. You know, the guy who grew the tomatoes said one of the biggest joys was bringing those tomatoes in cuz they had, they had gone through one of my workshops where everyone was sharing their, you know, their butterfly goal. One guy ran a marathon and the whole company showed up with team shirts and they were cheering him on. The guy who grew the tomatoes, he said the best part was taking the tomatoes into the office. And everyone was so excited for me, which then created the culture of belonging and camaraderie and creativity. And then it gave someone else the permission to be like, I'm just gonna learn how to do a handstand. And now they bring in, like, they post all their pictures of doing a handstand in front of monuments and on vacations and like on a stage.

Does it help further their brand and their, their persona?

Yeah. And it just fuels this creativity, this innovation, this sense of belonging, and ultimately people. Saying like, gosh, my company really cares about me.

And, well, and you get, and, and you realize that your colleagues cheer you on, just not, not just for completing that PowerPoint or the financial report that's part of your, you know, job description.

Right.

But they're cheering you on for you. Right?

Like, right.

Yeah. Cool. Well, this has been a lot of fun. I appreciate you.

Well, Peter, no, I gotta know, what's your butterfly goal?

Yeah, that's a good qu— well, I, I'll give you sort of a left-hand, you know, right?

No.

So there's, there's, I was talking to somebody about this the other day. There's two types of people, right? One, one person has the to-do list, right? And then they're checking things off all day. And then the other person gets something done and then they put it on their to-do list just for the satisfaction of scratching it off. Right? So it depends on the day. I don't know what my butterfly goal is right now.

You do. You do. You know it. You're like, God, I couldn't say it on the show.

Okay.

I have one. My butterfly.

Actually, I'll tell you, actually, maybe, maybe, maybe it's this one. Maybe it's not.

Okay.

Um, let's, I have sworn for, over 15 years that I'll never write a book. Guess what? I'm a dope. And well, maybe I'm not a dope, or maybe I am. I've got a book coming out in Q1. I love it.

Beautiful butterfly goal. That's, that's, I mean, one of my best butterfly goals was writing that book. I mean, talk about a transformation and a personal, I mean, it's all behind the scenes inner work of writing a book. And, um, and then you get to put it out there and then it's even more fun. You know, you get reviews and, um, I hope that you get a 1-star review. I have great reviews. I did get a 1-star review. And that's why, thanks. Thanks.

I hope your book bombs. I hope your book bombs too. Thank you.

No, I'm kidding. You get, you get that. You get the, um, you know, I've got all these great reviews. It's a great story though. She gave me this one review. She said, I put it in the Goodwill pile immediately. And I was like, oh gosh, the Goodwill pile. Anyway, months go by and I get this message from this gal. And she said, I found your book today. It spoke to me on a day I was losing my heart. And I was like, well, where did you find it? You know where? And she said, at Goodwill. And it was that moment of like, find your raving fans. The book will be for the right people and change their lives. And that's the beauty of being who we came to be, is we find the people who love us for us, who want us to win, who want to cheer us on in those shared values and who we are.

And go buy those chipped coffee mugs and tattered books at Goodwill. There's a good thing there.

Exactly. You never know what you're going to find there. The funniest thing, Peter, she said, I found it at Goodwill. I go there for, uh, to find things that speak to me. And she hit, it was an Instagram message back and forth. She hit send and then she goes, I hope that location isn't disheartening. Ah, and I was like, well, it's actually not because now it's—

It's what it is. Exactly. Well, this has been great. I appreciate your time and I wish you the best. Thank you. Thanks, Tara.

Hey, thanks for having me on the show.

To learn more about Thought Leadership Leverage, please visit our website at thoughtleadershipleverage.com. To reach me directly, feel free to email me at peter@thoughtleadershipleverage.com. And please subscribe to Leveraging Thought Leadership on iTunes or your favorite podcast app to get your weekly episode automatically.