5 Subtle Signs Someone Is Serious About Getting Sober

Most people that are battling an addiction say they're going to stop many, many, many times before they actually stop for good. They may have short periods of sobriety or tolerance breaks or times when they cut it back. But when they really get that long term sobriety, there's just certain indicators, things they say, ways they behave that will let you know that they're really serious about it this time. As a family member, when your loved one is struggling with addiction and they're making promises and they're breaking promises and they're telling you to cut back, telling you you're gonna stop, you know, telling you that they get it, they know it's a problem. Eventually what happens is, is you just stop believing anything that they say, right? Because you've heard it all before, you've heard it a million times, and then you're thinking, well, what's different about this? When they really, really mean it, and they really probably could use some support by the time they get there as the family member, you're all like, just jaded. You're all just like, whatever, we'll see. Because you've heard it so many times. So it's, I mean, of course it is important to, you know, step back and watch to see what happens. But there are some things that you can look out for that let you know. Sort of maybe I shouldn't say, are they serious or not? But how serious are they? Because usually in those earlier attempts, it's not that they're not serious or that they don't mean it, but they're not 100% serious. They're not all the way there with it. And those of you who are subscribed to this channel, you've heard me talk about the stages of change and the bargaining and the back and forth. They're just in that process. So in this video, I want to tell you some of the signs that you can listen for that says, yeah, they're, they're serious, but they're maybe in an earlier stage, they're probably not done yet. And then signs that you can look for, these are the things I look for that tell me, like, okay, somebody's really getting it now. Like, they're really trying. And I'm not saying 100%, if you see these signs that they're never gonna do it again. But I would pretty strongly tell you that if you see these signs that they get it, they mean it. Like they're really serious about it, they are really trying, okay? And it's kind of interesting because when I am in Session pretty quickly after talking to someone, I can sort of surmise how close to done we are just by listening, not just for change talk. You guys have heard me talk about change talk in other videos, but there are just other things. Listening to the way they talk about the problem, there's just very subtle, slight differences. And I want you to start listening for them. If you're the family member and. And if you're watching this and you're struggling with an addiction and you're like, well, am I there? Am I serious? You're gonna know based on. Are you thinking these? So when someone's close but not all the way there, what you're gonna hear them say is things like, yeah, I really need to stop. I really need to cut back. I gotta take a break from it. They'll say things like. Like, maybe they have. Can you guys hear me now? Y' all let me know in the comments if you can hear me better. If I move the mic here, is that. Is that working? Yes. Okay. Thank you, Michelle. Appreciate that. Maybe if they have a problem with more than one substance, you'll hear them say things like, yeah, I've got to stop the cocaine. I've got to stop the alcohol. Got to stop the prescription pain pills, whatever it is. But they don't mention the other thing. And what that means, and this is very common, is that they feel like, well, I've got a problem with this over here, but this other substance that goes along with it, it's not really the problem. It's just this. This part over here that's the problem. And so they'll want to stop one substance but not another substance. The other thing that I hear a lot, that really kind of clues me in to that somebody's probably not all the way done that. They. It's like they say they have a problem. They may even use the word addict or alcoholic or something like that, like a strong language indicator. But they'll follow that up very quickly by telling you a few more statements that kind of minimize the alcohol problem, the drug problem. And let me give you some examples I was reading in the video comments. This was a few weeks ago I read this comment. It was on one of the videos, and it said, I got a big problem. I can't remember what the addiction was to, but it was basically like, I'm. I'm really addicted to. Blah, blah, blah. I got to stop. I just keep relapsing. I don't. I don't really. I don't know what's going wrong. I mean, I have this big addiction, but I don't really, like, use it every day. I don't, like, pawn things. It's not like I've ever stolen or anything, but I really got to stop this. You. You hear the strong language of, I have an addiction. I have, I'm alcoholic, whatever. But then you hear this. These little adjunct things they're adding on to tell you how it's not that bad. And when I hear statements like that, then I know that that's actually why they're having trouble stopping, is because they haven't convinced themselves that they need to quit it completely. When I hear things like that, it lets me know that they're still probably. It's just super easy to talk themselves into trying to manage it or one last time, or just socially, something like that. They're leaving themselves wiggle room, and the. That they're saying may be true. I'm not saying that those statements are untrue, but they are, in their mind, minimizing the problem. And that sort of decreases the seriousness and the willingness and the urgency that they have about solving this problem. On the other hand, when you hear people say these other kind of things I'm about to tell you, you kind of know, hey, we're a lot closer. The biggest thing I look for is that they have insight into the problem. And what I mean by that is that they pretty easily, readily, usually without me even asking, will describe for me and tell me why it's a problem. Or they're alcoholic. Like, for example, if someone comes into my office and they just say, I'm an alcoholic, Amber, I need your help. I want to stop, or whatever, then I might say, well, what makes you think you're an alcoholic? And then I'm going to listen for what they're going to tell me next. A lot of times they tell me this without me asking. They'll say, oh, my God, this is ruining my life. Like, I'm literally, like, screwing up at work. I'm screwing up my marriage. I feel like crap, like I hate myself. They will just, like, list it out for you because they've done a lot of thinking and they're able to articulate for you. I want to call it the consequences of it, but. But all the negative effects of it. It's like they see it. They really see it, and they'll be able to tell you those things. And when they tell it to you, there's a. There's a seriousness behind. There's a seriousness behind their voice. Whereas in the earlier Stages. It's there, but there's a little hesitation. There's a little minimization. When you hear people say that insightful thing, then you know they're getting it. I've heard it several times this week, sometimes with clients, like people that are actually trying to battle addiction themselves. And then also, I've heard it in sessions this week from family members telling me about what's going on with their loved one. They'll just be sort of like, telling me what's happening. I'm like, oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Because it's just a. It's a subtle difference. They say every time, like, I'm going to stop. I'm done with this, or whatever. I promise never again. They'll say that. That's consistently there, no matter what. But these other things, when you hear these other things added in. Now we're getting down to business. Let me. I'm trying to think of some things I've heard this week. Like, this week I heard someone tell me this stuff. This stuff is about to ruin my life. And I have built myself a really good life. I've got a good career, I've got a good family. Like, this isn't like me at all. Like, I'm drinking and then X, Y and Z things are happening to me. What the heck? Like, I'm not gonna let this problem take me down. And I've watched what it's done to my friend, and I'm not gonna let that happen. I heard that this week in a session, and that's how I know pretty quickly, like, okay, he's getting it. And it didn't take much prodding to pull that out of him. I didn't have to get. I call it the therapy tweezers. I didn't have to pull that out with the therapy tweezers. I just had to say, well, what's going on? Well, why do you think that? Why? Are you serious? And they just start giving me a hundred reasons. And that tells me they've done a lot of thinking and contemplating on it. Another time this week, I was talking to someone and they were telling about their loved one. And I've talked to this person before and kind of following the storyline a little bit and. And their loved one was trying before and they were going to meetings, but they weren't changing people, places and things. And I was like, well, we close, but not there. This past time when I talked to the family member, they're like, oh, they're really not even hanging out with those people anymore. Like, I actually, now I think about it, they haven't even come around at all. They're still going to the meetings and they're actually like actively looking for sponsor. And one time, actually they even like picked up the phone, called someone for a meeting to ask them some questions about how, like this or that or whatever. From the meeting, I was like, okay, now that right there, that is a big serious sign. It's not just I'm going to the meetings to check it off, but like, I'm actually doing what they're telling me. I'm working this program. I'm actually seriously in it. And I'm not saying that someone has to work 12 steps to be seriously in it, but to be seriously in something, right? It doesn't have to be that, but something where they're taking it seriously. They're trying to learn, they're trying to understand, they're trying to change. You see them taking those actions and other actions that you might see them take is that the first one is they cut out sort of bad people. Now if you're watching your family member, you're. I know you already know this, and you probably got a whole list of them written down somewhere. And you're like, oh, this person's gotta go and that person's gotta go. And trust me, your loved one knows this. Okay? They're probably bargaining with themselves about, well, you know, that's been my best friend since third grade. We go way back and they don't want to let go of it. And I understand that there's reasons for that. You know, there's. There's some. Maybe it's like work co workers or something, and they're like, I can't quit this job. Like, it's paying our bills or whatever. You're going to want to, like, push them to get rid of them faster. But that's not going to work. Actually. If you start pushing people to get rid of people, that that's actually worse than pushing them to get rid of the addiction. Like, people will hang on to relationships longer than the other thing. So you'll start seeing those things change. You'll start seeing where they're going, what they're doing. It just changes. Like all the things that, you know that the, the very basic things that, you know, someone who's serious about changing behavior would do, you're witnessing it. You don't have to, like, coax it out of them. You don't have to yell at Them. You don't have to remind them 400 times. They're just doing it naturally on their own. They are taking steps. Maybe they're finding a counselor, maybe they're going to meetings. Maybe they're working with smart recovery or whatever, but they're like taking these action steps. And I'm not saying they're doing it perfect. I'm not saying they're going doing it every single day, calling their sponsor day and doing all that. But when you see they're taking real steps, you are actually seeing behaviors change. Now you know we're getting somewhere. Because one of the early mistakes people make is they're serious about wanting to stop whatever it is. But they think that they can just stop by saying, I'm just not gonna do that anymore and literally not change anything else about their lifestyle, nothing else. And I'm like, yeah, that's not gonna work. So when you start seeing those changes being made, that's real deal stuff. You'll also notice that they don't minimize it anymore. Like, they get it. And when they. Maybe they don't talk to you about it a lot, but when they do talk about it, like, there's a severity and an urgency to it. Like, they're explaining to you why this is so bad. They're like, no, once I start drinking, I can't stop. Like, no, this stuff is. No, I've already tried to slow this down, Amber. Like, sometimes when I'm trying to figure it out, I'll say, well, have you tried to cut it back? Have you taken a break from it? They're like, yeah, Amber, I done tried all that. It's not going to work. So it tells me that, okay, we're past that. Check those little boxes off. And they know that they can't manage it. They don't try to minimize it. Now, I deal a lot with people who. And this is my favorite, this is my goal, is people who haven't lost everything. They haven't hit any. I mean, they've hit small bottoms, but they haven't hit, like, the bottom, like, lost everything. But they're still able to very easily articulate to me why it is such a big problem. And maybe they're still working and have a good job, maybe their wife hasn't left, and maybe they' doing X, Y or Z. But they get it. Like, they don't. They know that if they don't do something that all those other things will eventually go. The thing I tell people is, like, I'm like, you don't have to hit bottom, to get sober. But you have to realize that you will if you don't stop. And that's the thing. When people are minimizing, it's like, yeah, it's a problem, but. Right, it's a problem, but it's not like that bad. Not like them people over there. And when you hear people say, like, no, it's problem, like this stupid woman doing this, making me behave in a way that is not like me at all. I don't even. I have anymore. I feel like crap all the time. I hate this stuff. You hear, like strong language, you know that someone really means it. And you also got to listen for what someone is not saying. And what I'm listening for is they're not having secret thoughts about, I can manage it or maybe one day it'll be different. Or I'm just. You know, when they're kind of trial and error in it, they. They take breaks, they do stuff like that. But you can hear in their language, they'll say things like, I'm not saying, like, I'm done forever. But I. I know this is a problem, but you can hear that there's a reservation back there. You can hear there's like these little loopholes that there's a plan deep down inside that eventually I'm going back, I'm gonna try this, gonna work different this time. And you just don't hear that when you're dealing with someone who's like, serious. Now, I know in like 12 step programs, they teach you to say one day at a time. And a lot of people who are very serious working a really good program, they'll say, well, I can't promise to be sober forever, but I'm sober today. That's just 12 step lingo, right? They're literally just repeating what they've heard other people repeat. Because it's just a philosophy. But. But there's difference. Because when I hear people, people were literally telling me things like, well, I'm not saying we'll stay so forever. I mean, like, I'm probably gonna drink again, probably gonna do this again at some point. You can tell there's an active plan to do it again at some point versus trying to be humble about it in the AA NA way or whatever by saying, well, just for today or whatever. There's just a subtle difference in it. And you know it when you hear it. How many of you out there have said any of these things either on the when I'm just sort of trying to figure it out phases or when I'm really serious. How do you know when you're really serious? How do you know when your loved one's really serious? I want to hear from you guys, those of you who are here live. Bree is backstage back there like the wizard of Oz and she's going to be looking for good questions and comments to pop up here on the screen. So go ahead and get them up there. If your comment or question is close closer to the topic, you're going to have a lot better chance of re popping it up there because she watches for that. And while you're getting your comments and questions, as always, I will remind you there are more resources in Description we have a page on our website that's full of free downloadable resources you can schedule with our recovery coaches to talk about your situation. Specifically, you can do strengths based recovery coaching with me, Invisible intervention, all kind of stuff. It's all down there. We have free Facebook group for families. We have a coaching group for families. All kind of stuff. It's in there.