Addictive Behavior and Self Deception

Your addiction is like a hungry monster that's in your head that will tell, that will do anything or say anything to get what it wants. And the bigger issue is, is that this monster is actually not one monster, it's several. And it's just not. And it's just insatiable, basically. So it's like no matter how much you feed, just wants more, and it's just never ending. In fact, the longer your addiction goes on, the stronger your addiction becomes, the more of these little monsters that you actually get in your head. Now, the way I like to explain it to clients, it's sometimes helpful to have a sort of a visual representation. And I like to actually give the monsters names because you can start to recognize these little voices when they talk to you. And. And just one little piece of information here that's extremely important. Everything these monsters tell you is a lie. There's nothing these monsters say that is the truth. It's all about getting what it wants. So I'm going to see if I can give you guys a little visual representation. We're going to look at these monsters, and I want you to put a face with a name and remember it. So when you hear these voices in your head, you're going to know what is happening, which one of those monsters is talking to you. And eventually, or at the end, we're going to talk about what to do to make these things go away and stop bothering you. All right? Okay. So here we go. So we've got the feed me monsters that are right inside your head at all times, just constantly talking to you. It's like a committee of monsters in there, really. And let's give them some names. This monster right here, everyone has an addiction has this monster right here, this little monster is called One last Time. Think about it. How many one last times have you had times have you believed this lie or this monster, right? It feels like an itch that if you can scratch it, it's like the itch will go away. That's what it feels like. But when you scratch it, instead of making it feel more satisfied or making it go away, it just makes it worse. So every time you're having this thought, this one last time thought, you need to remember that it's just a monster talking to you. Truly what's happening here, it's just self deception. These are things that we tell ourselves in order to make a bad decision. Let's take a look at our next monster. This little guy is called Just a little. He's just a little monster. Right now, he comes in different versions. He can. He can tell you things like, oh, just a couple of drinks, just two lunch, just one pill a day. You know, it's. It's sort of this idea of, I'm not going to do that much. It's just a little bit, right? Just a little bit to get me, you know, awake and so I can work today. Just a little bit to get me to go to sleep. Otherwise, I'll never go to sleep tonight. He comes in different versions, but it's always about. It's not that big a deal. It's just a little bit. So when you hear this monster talking to you, you can say, I hear you there just a little bit, but no, thank you. The next one's called don't let them control you. This monster talks to you about how everyone's trying to control you. Your family, your job, your program, and that you're your own person, you're independent, you make your own decisions. This is that rebellious monster that's inside of your head that really just if someone tells you no, it makes you just want to do it that much more. You got to remember, this is your addiction talking to you. Now, as we're going through these. If you're relating to any of these monsters, let me know that in the comments or chat, tell me, say, oh, yeah, I got this monster. He lives in my head. And if I'm not saying one that you have, let me know that, too. Because you may have identified one of these little monsters, and it tells you something. And I haven't listed it, but probably if it's in there with you, it's in there with someone else. So being able to identify them and name them, I'm telling you, helps. Because when you do that, you realize what's happening to. To you. You realize that you're being lied to, that it's not the truth. And these have. These things have less power over you. All right, here's a monster. You're nothing but a piece of trash. You know, there are different versions of this, but this one really plays on your. Your shame, your sense of worthlessness. You see, because addiction, it makes you do a bunch of things that you totally regret that you would never do otherwise. And then once it gets you to do those things, and then it beats you up because of it, right? And it kind of kicks you when you're down, makes you feel hopeless, makes you feel like that you're not even worth it, that who cares? You don't even care what happens to you. And you just start to live even that much more recklessly. He's sort of a beat you down monster mouth. Now this is an interesting monster mouth. I like to call him the Costco Plan Monster mouth. Because what he does is he'll tell you things like, let's say if you're a. At the. At the store, whether it's the gas station or Costco or wherever, it's like, go ahead and get a case, because you'll just make that last all week. And that's a lot cheaper than just buying, you know, one or two at a time, right? So it'll talk you into that. It's like the, the. The bulk plan. And you always tell yourself, I'm gonna make this last. Well, guess what? It never lasts. What ends up happening is you just end up drinking or using that much more of whatever it is because you don't listen to this guy. Here's a really common one, right? Everyone does it. Especially if the substance you use is like, alcohol or another really common, really accepted substance. It can just feel like everyone does it. It's not that big a deal. We should call him. It's not that big a deal. That's his name. That's what we're gonna call him. It's not that big a deal. Monster mouth trying to talk you into it. It's like peer pressure. You can't be an addict. You don't drink in the morning. You've never got a dui. You've never pawned anything. You've never hit your wife. It's this version of, you can't be an addict because this one thing hasn't ever happened to you. Never mind all the 15 things that are signs and symptoms that you got a problem. This little monster will find the one thing that you haven't done that other people have done and tell you that you don't have a problem because you hadn't done that one little thing, right? So he's just. He's kind of. He. He's pretty smart about the way he talks to you because he's strategic in what he's telling you. He's like, you never did this. Maybe you go to some kind of like, recovery meeting or recovery class and you meet some other people. This little monster, he's going to tell you, man, you haven't done near the things those people have done. Like, you're not even like them. You don't even need to go, How about this one? This is an interesting little monster. This is like a reward monster right here. Because he's like, you know, you finished your program, you graduated your Iop, you. You got out of treatment. You've done well, right? You did it. Now you can go use. Isn't that weird? It's like you just did this whole big, really hard thing, and this little monster comes in there and talks to you and sabotages all of it. And the way he does it is just to tell you, like, congrats, he's kind of a version of you deserve it. Which we're going to talk about more in just a minute. How about this little monster right here? He's the I'm only gonna do it on special occasions monster mouth, right? It's like, you know, only on holidays or weddings or something like that. If you start listening to this little monster, before you know it, everything's a special occasion. It's Wednesday, special occasion, right? So you've got to be careful about this one because you'll start to skew what is and what isn't a special occasion. And let me just throw this little bonus piece of information in here about this guy. The absolute worst time to feed your addiction is during special occasions. Because if you're going to go overboard, if you're going to make a fool of yourself, if you're going to ruin the whole thing, it's going to be on the special occasion. I say it all the time, like the crap always hits the fan at the absolute worst moment. So not only is this little monster mouth going to lie to you and going to get you to sort of blur the lines of what's a special occasion, but it's going to ruin the special occasion. And usually when there's special occasions, there's more people around, which means you're going to end up doing something that's embarrassing or humiliating or that you feel really bad about. Maybe you missed the event. So don't listen. I know he looks cute and happy, right? Don't listen to that guy. He's telling you lies. How about this guy, man? This guy right here. Everybody who has an addiction has this guy right here, right? This is probably the one monster that we want to believe the most. He says you just need to cut it back. You don't have to quit it all together. You just need to rein it in. You just go a little bit overboard every now and then. And if you could just rein it in, it will be okay. How many times have you tried this? How many years have you been trying to do this? So I'm not saying that it never works. Occasionally, this will Work, but it will not work consistently, telling you, don't listen to this little monster. Now, this is a. This is old monster mouth that one of my clients was talking to me about earlier this week. My client was talking to me about. The thing that triggers them the most is when, like, their spouse isn't home because they're like, no one's here. No one's watching. And historically, that's when they would, like, sneak drink or sneak use or whatever it is. And so whenever they're by themselves, it's like, the coast is clear. Monster mouth right here. And this one is particularly tricky. People in early recovery will definitely tell you that it's in those times when you're left completely alone. And it's not even that you mean to be that way, but this thought just immediately jumps into your head, and it's so frustrating. Oops, I went too fast there. This monster mouth is one that kind of gets you really down. He's like, whatever, I don't care anymore. You're just so down in the dumps that you. This one allows you to get to the efforts, as I call it. Like, I don't even care. It's not even worth it. And it. It just gets you to such a struggle and to such a place of stress or depression or anxiety that you just throw your hands up in the air or maybe heartbreak or a breakup with someone or a major loss or a major job. You. It's kind of like the dam breaks. You got to be careful about this one, because any situation that you're going through, as hard as it. As hard as it is, as difficult as it is, your addiction can make it worse. We used to have. The guys in our group used to say, there's nothing that alcohol or drugs cannot make worse. Trust me. How about this one? He tells you you're never gonna stay sober. You've been to treatment 10 times. You've tried every program out there. Like, you just can' do it. You don't have it in you. You're just not that guy. You're just not that girl. This one here, he is. He's called the you're not hurting anybody but yourself monster mouth. Do you guys have this one? Have you had it in the past? It's like, you know, you're a grown person. You're responsible for yourself. You know, maybe other people don't even know about it. So you think, I'm not hurting anybody but myself. Here's the thing. If you have anyone in your life that cares about you or depends on you in any way. If you're allowing yourself to continue an active addiction, then you are hurting other people besides just yourself. So if you're trying to tell yourself that I'm calling it out right now, think about it as a little purple monster with all them eyeballs. It isn't true. This guy right here, you already ruined it. This guy likes to show up after a relapse, after you've done good for a while. But then maybe you. You had a lapse. You. You were weak. In a moment, you listen to one of them other dang monster mouths, and this one comes in. It's like a double team. One of them gets you to have the relapse, and then this guy pops up there and tells you, you already messed it up. You might as well keep going. You know, you've already ruined it. You've already destroyed it. You know, you're probably going to fail your probation test. Your wife's going to kick you out anyway, whatever it is. And he just keep. This is the guy that, like, keeps it going. How about this little guy right here? He. He's really deceptive because he tries to make it out like you're doing the right thing. Like, he's the one that talks you into going places that, you know, probably isn't a good idea, right? Like social events where there's going to be a lot of whatever it is that you're addicted to. And he's like, oh, it's just rude not to go. Or it's rude if you leave early, right? He'll. He'll make you think you're being polite and mannerly by putting yourself in that situation. So be careful with him because you'll be thinking you're doing the right thing. Here's this one. Let me know if you've got this one. It's the only thing that helps my anxiety. It's the only thing that allows me to sleep. And I hear this one a lot, which is really kind of crazy when I hear it. But it's always like, I don't like to take medicines, so I just drink, or I don't like to take medicine, so I just smoke marijuana. I'm like, you don't think that's a drug? So it's kind of like, I don't want to take prescription meds, so I take this instead, as if it's somehow different. In fact, you know, these drugs, addictive drugs, they just do the opposite. Whatever it is you think it's helping you with, it's causing that problem. To expand and get bigger and bigger and bigger on the back end. Here's one. This little guy will tell you, you know, when you're at an event or you're at a work situation, he talks you out of telling people that you're in recovery or that you don't drink anymore. He. He does. He's like a, you know, you don't want to make them uncomfortable by not drinking. You don't want to make someone else uncomfortable by telling them what's going on with you. So he talks you into keeping the secret. And a lot of you that watch this channel all the time, you know that secret keeping is the worst thing do when you have an addiction. Here's another one. He's similar. It's none of their business. I don't need to tell my work colleagues that I'm in recovery or that I don't drink now because it's not any of their business. I don't need to tell my family members that, my extended family, because it's none of their business. It. It might be true that it's none of their business, but the reason you're not telling them probably has something to do with the fact that you want to leave the option open. You don't want to tell your workmates that you don't drink anymore because you might change your mind and you might want to go to one of the, you know, drinking nights that they have. You don't want to tell the family. You don't want to tell the best friend because you want to leave the option open. So be careful for this little guy, All right? Which of these monster mouths do you have? Which one talks to you the most? Is there one that always seems to be tripping you up? Is there one that you fall for all the time? One of the young people in a group I ran a long time ago say, just when you get used to one voice, it changes its voice. It'll start telling you something, something different. Sometimes when your recovery gets really strong, then, let's see, then it won't try to talk you into using right away, but it'll try to talk you into getting close to it. Like if you've heard the recovery saying, if you keep going to the barbershop, eventually you're going to get a haircut. So there's some monster mouths. They won't tell you that you're going to get a haircut. They'll just tell you to go to the barbershop and hang out with your buddies. Right? If it can't Talk you into using now. It'll talk into getting one step closer or another long haul sort of monster mouth game is when it tells you your monster mouse gets you somehow to disconnect from your recovery program. Might get you mad at your counselor, might get you mad at your sponsor, might go to a meeting one day and you hear the same thing 10 times. And that monster mouse like this does you absolutely no good. You just come to these meetings and everyone just gripes all the time and they say the same thing. You don't even need to come. I hope you are starting to recognize these monsters for what they are. Here's the deal. Here's how you get rid of them. These monsters need to be fed, to be kept alive. If you don't feed them, they'll sort of go into hibernation. They'll start leaving you alone. And so the key is not to listen to the lies, not to feed them. And they start to get weaker and weaker and weaker until they literally don't have enough energy to aggravate you all the time. And they go into hibernation. But it's important to remember that they're still there. And it doesn't take much to get those monster mouths to wake back up and start talking to you. In fact, if one of them just wakes up for some reason, maybe you get triggered for something and you start listening to them. You haven't even done it yet. You're just listening to the monster mouth. Other ones start to get excited. Oh, it's like it's spring again. It's coming back. And other ones start to wake up and add on to that one little one you're listening to. So you've got to be careful. You cannot entertain these monster mouths. Don't listen to them. It always ends badly. Think about the times you've listened to them in the past. All right, let's see who our people are here that have joined us. And if any of you have the monster mouths, Alexa from South Carolina, who is one of the people that help me to help sort of give me this topic idea which I want to say thank you for. This one says yes, you just need to wean down the sort of the cut it back plan. Oh, let's see. Pamela says she's got a monster and it says, I need it, I deserve it. I hear you right. And they're actually, I think someone set it up here. I thought I saw it earlier. Oh, here it is. Lydia says my husband's best one is, I'm a grown ass man. Or you can say woman. Either one you want to, right? That's what it's sort of that you can't control me. It's a version of that monster mouth. Rita says we all have monsters, whether we're addicted or not. It's called transgenerational conditioning of self hate. Man, that was big. I could hardly say that. Rita. Impressive. They're all lies. I call it an unevolved reptilian brain. Absolutely. Rita couldn't be more right. We all have those monster mouths. Whether you're addicted or not. We've all got those problems that we struggle with over and over again. Those lessons that we learn time and time again. We just keep falling back in that pit. And it's probably because you're listening to some kind of justification, rationalization. You're deceiving yourself in some way. Let's see what Christina says so you don't do just that thing, and you're good. Oh, man. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Christina says, like, as long as you don't drink tequila, right? As long as you don't use cocaine, as long as you don't use this substance over here, it's gonna be all right. Man, I'm glad you said that one, because that is a really common one, right? You just need to stay away from this one thing, and you're gonna be okay. Michelle says, my husband's been sober for nine months, and about two months ago, started to drink again. This started when he got his stimula check and he finally had money so he could do what he wants to do. Drink, eat crappy food, which he loves to do. So getting that money made him feel like he was. It was free. And now I can drink. Man, I can't believe I forgot some of these really good monster mouths. I'm so glad you guys are reminding me, right, that you got money in your pocket. I used to have a client, he'd say, if I got more than 43 cents in my pocket, I'm probably going to buy drugs, right? Like, literally having money is a huge trigger. It wakes up that, like, you got the money monster mouth in there, and he really bothers you. All right, guys, thank you for joining me. Please continue to let me know what your monster mouth say, because you guys are thinking of some good ones that I didn't even think of. And you need to put it up here, because I guarantee you someone else has that monster mouth. And seeing it, when you put it in your comment or chat, they're going to recognize it and you're going to help someone else be able to resist that monster. Mouth. Thank you, everyone who joined us. And up next, more about the psychology of addiction.