Addictive Thinking | How we rationalize bad choices

Today we're going to be talking about a core element of addictive thinking, and that core element is rationalizing and justifying our behaviors. In fact, I'm going to give you the top five rationalizations that I have most recently heard in my office working with patients and families struggling to conquer addiction. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction. In fact, it's the only channel out there that's dedicated to giving you both sides of the story, meaning the person that struggles with the addiction, their side, and the family side. It's our goal to put families and lives back on track. Okay, back to our topic. Now, some of you may have heard me say before that I am pretty dang good at rationalizing things. In fact, I might just be like the queen of rationalizing. I tell my clients sometimes, like, listen, you do something bad, come to me, and I can tell you how it wasn't really that bad. And maybe it was even good thing to do, because I'm just that good at it. I have to really be careful and watch my own thinking when it comes to rationalization, because it really is just a human thing to do, to rationalize what it is that we want and make it somehow okay, or why we had to do something. It's making our behaviors okay, particularly when we know maybe it's not the right behavior or the right thing to do, or even when it goes against our value system. And there are tons of way ways to rationalize. You know, like simple ways like, oh, I had to buy those shoes because they were on sale and it was such a good price, right? Simple general rationalization. We all have done it. These are the top five that I have heard most recently in my office from people struggling with their addictions. These are some things that I've heard. Let me know if you've heard these. And if I don't say your favorite one or one that you've heard a lot or think a lot, let me know that, too. Because it may trigger something to someone else. And someone else may think, oh, yeah, I do that one too. So it would be helpful to everyone. All right, here we go. The first one on my list is some kind of version of believing that your good deeds undo your bad deeds. For example, I see a lot of, like, really successful business guys, right? And they do a lot of great things. They make a lot of money. They run companies, they may run marathons. They support their families well. They go on nice vacations. They're kind, they're polite and have manners. Like, they do a lot of right things, but they come home almost every night, get drunk or pass out. But in their mind, it's like, I work hard, I take care of you guys, I don't cheat, I don't do this, you know, it's not that big of a deal. Or another kind of version of that I've heard recently is more along the lines of, look, everybody just wants to focus on these few times when I have really just screwed up. Never mind all the good things I done. No one wants to pay attention to those. And on some level, like I said, I'm a rationalizer too. On some level I can kind of follow that. And I don't a thousand percent disagreement. But I do think that there are some bads that you can do that kind of like undo your good stuff. It's kind of like if you go to a restaurant and you order food and you get like this magnificent dish that you just totally love, it tastes great, but you find a hair in it, it just somehow like undoes it, doesn't it? And if you keep it after that you find another hair, then it's really done right. Like it doesn't matter how good it is, how beautiful it was on the plate. It just screwed up the whole dang thing. So you can't use your good deeds to rationalize and sort of justify and be okay with your bad deeds. It just doesn't work like that. It's not like a canceling out process. Plus, to be really honest, some of the things that we do related to our addiction really do kind of trump. Like the bad deeds are like, even if they're fewer, they're bigger, okay? So we can't, we can't think about it like that. Be careful of that one. It's a sneaky1. Number two is I only sneak and hide and lie because fill in the blank. Now, I can tell you what the usual fill in the blank is from the ones that I hear. The usual fill in the blank is I only sneak and lie and hide because my wife is a crazy maniac and she just thinks anyone that drinks one beer is like an alcoholic. I only sneak and hide and lie because my family is so uptight and they're just super straight edge and they just are like ridiculous. Like, they just think anybody who like ever smoked weed or something one time is a total drug addict. Like, and so it's like, I have to hide in line. Snake, because you're crazy, right? Because the place I work for is crazy. Because this rule is unfair. So it's not me doing something wrong. It's me deciding that this over here, I just disagree with. It doesn't work for me. They're crazy. Whatever. The most common way I hear is somebody telling me that their spouse is completely unreasonable. And one. One question that I ask a lot to get to the bottom of it, I'll say. Well, is. I'll say, we do a lot of spouses here, and sometimes they really are pretty unreasonable, which is totally true. And then I'll say, are they, like, unreasonable about everything? And they're like, no, not really. So they're just unreasonable about this one thing. They'll say, yeah, just this one thing. They're just ridiculous. And that kind of makes me think maybe there's a problem with this one thing. Because usually people that are just completely unreasonable are kind of like, completely unreasonable, like, across the board, if you know what I mean. Like, they're just. Their standards are ridiculous. They're always finding something wrong, that kind of thing. And even if you have a spouse or a parent or family member or whatever who is completely unreasonable with many things, it still doesn't mean they're being unreasonable about this one thing, right? So you've got to be careful with deciding it's them, not me kind of mentality. That's a rationalization, maybe even. It's definitely up there in the top three that I hear so frequently. Like, literally at least a few times every week. Number three. I can't help it because. Fill in the blank. Let's look at some examples of that one. I can't help it because I'm an addict. I can't help it because everybody in my family does it. I can't help it because I'm in college, and that's what everyone in college does. I can't help it because. Fill in the blank. It's this somehow of letting yourself off the hook and giving yourself permission. And this one is kind of bad because you're literally just. When you tell yourself you can't help something or something's not your fault, then you're just completely taking your hands off of it. You have no control. You have no responsibility over it, and it's just completely out of control. Like, you just. You can do nothing about it. Come on now. Let's get for real. Number four. If y' all see me looking, it's because I'm looking at my list. I remember rationalization. I hear this one a lot and this one kind of. This one's frustrating when I hear it because it's, like, so not true. Although all of them are so not true. But this one is go something like, it's the only thing that helps me with fill in the blank. This is kind of similar to I can't help it because it's just a slightly different version, right? It's the only thing that helps me with my depression. It's the only thing that helps me manage my anxiety. It's the only thing that will help me lose weight. It's the only thing that will let me work those long shifts, and I have to work those hours to support my family. It's the only thing that allows me to be creative. You see what I mean? It's another version of I have to because it's slightly different than I can't help it because it's just a slight difference of I have to do this because fill in the blank. And the reason that. Why that one is frustrating for me to hear is because the nature of addiction is whatever the substance does for you initially. Because, let's be honest, there are some benefits to lots of substances, right? It does something helpful and beneficial for us. It fixes a problem. It solves an issue, whatever it really does in the beginning, right? But once you've moved over into the addictive part of it, not only does it not fix that issue for you anymore, it's making the original problem, like, 10 times bigger. And I have a whole video on that in case you want to go look at it. But literally anything that's addictive does that. Like, if you take stimulants because you're trying to work harder, you get. After the cement wears off, you get a bigger crash. You can't function. You can't even get up out the bed, right? And not only that, it's like the stimulant has less and less effect. You need more and more. It doesn't last as long. Ultimately, what you end up with is no energy, can't function, can't do anything, can't even wash your laundry when you're saying, I have to do it because this is the only way I can get all this stuff done or whatever. So be careful for that one. And I know that one's tricky because in the beginning, maybe it did do that for you. But in the end, I'm telling you, it's only making the original problem worse. That's for sure. Number five. Now this one. Oh, my goodness, this one just makes me have to do my head shake. Ready? It'll be different this time. This is kind of like a relapse rationalization. You know, like, before, it was really out of control because X, y, and Z factors. But this time it's gonna be different because I'm not gonna let it get out of hand. I'm not gonna drink liquor. I'm not gonna be around that person. I'm in a better stage. Whatever. It's this version of, okay, like, I'm gonna do it, but somehow this time it's going to be manageable. And the reason why this one is hard for me is because it's just like watching an inevitable train wreck and just knowing that it's coming and there's nothing you're gonna be able to stop it. And what makes it worse is it's usually, you know, when I'm watching this, it's like with someone I really like, and it's done so good, and it's, like, gotten on track and you've really gotten your hopes up, and you're just like, really. You just want to try to do that again. Like, even though we been through all this before, but, yes, it happens almost 100% of the time, because most of the time when people are in the recovery process, there is some trial and error. And. And this doesn't mean that they don't mean it in any of these rationalizations. These are just commonplace things. It doesn't mean someone's never going to get better. It. It doesn't even mean that they're never going to get over these rationalizations. These are just common ways that we make ourselves feel okay about our choices. So let's give it even a little deeper into why we have to rationalize. And anybody that's watching this video, you should be able to identify things that you rationalize. We all do it. I told you, I'm the queen of it. Okay? So we have to rationalize because when you go. When your behaviors go against your value system, you start to feel guilty and you start to feel shameful and you start to feel really bad about it. And, man, that stuff is like a really uncomfortable feeling, and we gotta make that feeling go away. And the way that we do that is to somehow justify or make the choice, okay, like, I had to, or it's the only thing that does this or whatever. We have to somehow justify in our head to deal with that shame and guilt. And like I said, every personal plant does this. It's just that when you have an addiction, you're doing so many Things that you don't agree with internally and with your value system that you begin to rationalize and justify so much. And it goes so long and so deep that you literally lose sight of the truth. I mean, you really, like, believe it and dig deeper and deeper and deeper into that, and it can become problematic. Some of you guys have heard me say, like, with end stage addiction, a lot of times you're dealing with someone who's kind of like, delusional about the situation, and it. It's hard to get them to see the truth. And that's just because there's literally one rationalization built on top of another. Built on top of is so deep, like it. You can't even find the truth. And a lot of times it's not even until someone gets out and on the other side of it that they can see the truth. There was a. There's a guy in my office this week who's doing really, really good, by the way. He's not been drinking for a couple of months now, at least, I think maybe more than that. And he is telling me about his old pattern of drinking. He worked for himself, so he had like, flexibility. He said, all my drink was in the morning. He'd literally be in the parking lot of like, the store at 9am so he could be there when they opened. He's like the first one in the door. He had to buy stuff, right? And he drank only between, I think, like 9 and 9:30. I said, you should drink between 9 and 30. But the amount was like, crazy. But in his mind it was like. And he's. He's able to tell us now, like, almost like laughing, and we're like, kind of like teasing about it. But he's like, yeah, it was like breakfast, right? Like, I had like, you might be at Hardee's waiting for your breakfast so you can go to work. Like, this was me at the store needing to get this done so I could function for the day. And he had all these like, plans and systems in place for how to make all of that work just right. And if it. If something messed with the plan, the whole day would fall apart. And he'd done it so long, it just seemed regular. He was telling it to me one day just like, just so casually. And I was like, really? You did that? And like. And then I started kind of teasing him about it and he's like, I never thought about it like that. Like, that is pretty crazy, right? And then we were both kind of laughing because a lot of times you have to get out of it, to see it, you got to get out of the storm, because when you're in it, you're so close, you just can't. You just can't see the truth. All right, let's see who's with us live. If you're joining us on the replay, we are so glad to have you as well. Be sure you can interact with us and comment, ask questions, because I do come back and read all of those. Let's see who we got with us today. I see Colette. Hey, Colette. And Rashara. Let's see. Rashara says, I hope I'm saying your name right exactly. Just happened to me this morning. My husband said he has to use one more time to get through the relapse so he can just be done. Makes no sense to me, but it does to him. Dude, that's like the most classic of classic. I call that one last time. In fact, I have a whole video about these rationalizations. I sometimes call them monster mouths, just to give, like, a visual or metaphor. And that's. It's literally like the most classic, most oldest monster mouth of all times. Right. One last time. Because it feels like it's an itch or like it's a scratch, and you just need to scratch it. And if you just scratch it, you'll just get that relief, and then it'll feel better. Right? Like, you know when you have just an itch and it's like, let's get to it. But it just doesn't work that way. It's a nature of addiction. Like, you scratch it and it gets worse, and only ever scratching it only ever makes the itch worse. But there's definitely a feeling like that inside. You know, people say I just got to get it out of my system or whatever. Well, it just doesn't get out of your system that way. Right. You literally have to stop doing it for it to get out of your system. It will eventually, but it doesn't get out of your system by just keeping on going at it. But that's a pretty classic one. Hi. Hi, Teresa. Good to see you. And Saska and Steven. Saska says, my son says marijuana helps him with his anxiety. Man, I cannot count. I could not even tell you how many times I've heard that. And the reason is, it's that one where it, like, it probably does initially, but in the end, it's only making their anxiety, like, a thousand times worse. One of the things I'll ask my clients when they tell me that is I'll Say, well, is your anxiety better or worse now than when you started? Guess what? It's always worse because that's the nature of the problem. It helps in the short run, helps about this much in the short run, and hurts about this much in the long run. So just. It doesn't work. Let's see here. We've got Pinky. Hi, Pinky. Facebook user says hello. And introduce myself. I'm new to the group, but not to the lifestyle. Can't see your name, but we're glad that you're here. Mia's here. Maggie B. I like that. First time I'm caught live. I've been with my boyfriend for nine months. He's battling heroin addiction. Your videos have been so helpful. Thank you. Well, thank you. You're so sweet. I'm glad you're here, and thank you for the nice feedback. Mary says, my son keeps telling me he's going for a walk and he's not gonna drink. And that walking helps. Every other walk, it comes back drunk. Mary, I don't know how old your son is, but in my office, we kind of have a saying, and we're just sarcastic, and if you don't like sarcasm, I don't want to be offensive, but when you deal with this all day, you just. You just get so used to it, right? We always say, if you got a teenage son and he's burning scented candles in his bedroom. We have the same thing about going on walks. Teenage ways. Do they really go for walks? I don't know how your son. Your son may be older than that, but. But I'm always like, doesn't happen. Like, no teenage boys got a Yankee candle in his room, burning it because. Any other reason than what you think? So, yeah, I'm kind of with you, Maggie. I'm like, I don't know about that. I mean, a lot of times it's, I'm gonna go drink or get high or I'm walking because I'm meeting my buddy down the street and they're gonna hook me up. That's. That's usually the case. Deborah says son is delusional, has so much rationalizations, can't communicate suggestions. Deborah saying he can't communicate, or you can't communicate. Sometimes when you're dealing with someone in those later stages and they're so delusional, it. It. You can't. You feel like you can't communicate with them because you just feel like you're beating the head against the wall, and it's so like, are you serious? You know, they Say some of those outlandish things, and then that triggers you and want to, like, argue or fight about it. That's kind of how you know you're dealing with someone delusional is when you get to that point, you're just like, what? And then you just. It's just so, like, unbelievable, the things they're saying. You're like, really believe that, and then you just want to argue, and it sucks you into argument and it's not good. James says, what's the best thing to do if you have a relapse? James, that is an excellent question, and it deserves a really thorough answer. And I have a whole playlist on what to do to prevent relapse and what to do if you find yourself in relapse and what to do even if you've been in a relapse for a long time and you're having a hard time pulling it back together. I address all of those things in there, and I think that's an excellent question to be asking. Let's see here. Oh, mary says he's 43 here. How do you convince a person after a doctor has told them that marijuana is helpful for anxiety? Oh, my God. I know, right? It makes me crazy. If a doctor says anything to anyone, like, literally, I just don't even know if it can be undone because sometimes it's just like they got the stamp from God. And I hate to be mean like that, but that's like. It's like beating your head against the wall. There's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise other than let them convince thems otherwise. And I. I hate. I don't have a better answer for you other than to say, I feel your frustration. And that actually happens, not just in that kind of situation, but in a lot of situations. The doctor will tell you something. But a lot of times, and as mad as as I get when I hear these things, I just want to be like, are you serious? A lot of times the doctor's saying that because they're not being told the whole dang story, right? They're gonna say, why I smoke something crazy, you know, like. And they're not being told the real whole story, so they're giving advice and they're saying something back when they're being told, like, this much of the story. Because the person, the addictive person, sets up whoever they're talking to to get the response they want. You know, how now they do that. So does me all the time, right? They'll say, well, what do you think about this. And they'll tell me just enough details to make me say the answer. They want me to say they're sneaky, sneaky like that. If you are in recovery and you're watching this, let me know if you've ever done this before. Let's have an expert witness. Let's see. Our Facebook user is named Veronica. Hey, Veronica. Saska says, my husband says he's miserable when not drinking. What do I say to that? Probably so if you're miserable when you're not drinking, it means you're really dependent on drinking. And I would say that's a. A problem, right? Because you don't want to only be able to experience joy, happiness, contentment, anything when you're drinking. That's. That is the biggest reason to get out of a cycle like that, I think. So I wouldn't argue with him because he's probably telling the truth. The. The thing of it is, is that's a major sign and symptom that someone has a problem. And it's hard to convince them that if they get sober long enough, they actually get past that and they feel so much better. A lot of times with clients I have, I just have to say, listen, we agree to just get sober for X amount of time. It has to be more than two weeks, because first two weeks is miserable. And then we'll evaluate situation, because if you can get them sober long enough, whatever it takes to do that, then they actually get past that really miserable part, and then they feel better and they realize, wow, like, I feel infinitely better. Heidi says, what if I rationalize switching substance is one better than the other? Alcohol from marijuana, cough syrup. Oh, man, I almost put that one on my list. I'm glad you said that because it was one I toyed with. Like, one of the things I had on my list was if I don't use blank, I will relapse on blank, bigger, worse, or substance. Right. If I don't, and a lot of times it's like, use marijuana or take my Xanax or whatever it is, then I. Then I'll definitely go back to this harder drug. And so it's a. I hear that one all the time. The problem with that is a lot of times you go back to the other substance anyway, and even if you don't, the new substance becomes a problem in and of itself. So I'm glad you said that one. I actually was thinking about that one this morning, and it's a pretty common one. Kathy says, delusional. After I asked my boyfriend to leave he was so perplexed. He couldn't understand how I was happy and thriving and he was unhappy and. And falling apart. Right. It's like. It's that when you're dealing with someone like that and they're just in the middle of it and they can't see clearly, it's just like, wow, really? Like, sometimes you just get left with no words to say. Sometimes people tell me things in my office that are just like, really? The thing I think that gets me like that the most is just because I hear the same things over and over and over again in my office from, like, people who've never met each other, completely different, maybe even, like, live in a completely different part of the world. I can, like, talk to that person and I can almost tell you, here's what they're going to say. 1, 2, 3, 4. And that's exactly what they say. And it's just like, wow. It's like amazing. It's like amazing and mind boggling and frustrating all at the same time. But the other good thing about that is, is I also watch people that say those things get better and get on the other side of it. And when you're in the middle of it, I know it feels like it's never going to get better and we're always going to be here. And my loved one says he doesn't ever want to be sober, whatever. But I don't listen to that. I'm just like, okay, we go. We're starting at square one and we're starting at square three, and there's a pathway out of that. Oh, we got a expert witness here. I love it. Sheila says I would make up stories while my nose was stopped up that I had to lie about the rapid weight loss. So. So Sheila's saying I would sort of say why I was having these symptoms and I would make up all kind of excuses about why that's happening. That's right. Hey, Jamie, Nana says, why do addicts think you don't know when they're using, when you know they are? And they try to say they're not, but you know they are. What do you do with that one? One thing, and I actually have some more videos on this is one thing is don't ask the question because it's almost an instinct to say, no, I haven't. Like, Even when they don't even want to lie, it's just almost like a reflex. They're like, no, I haven't. Right. I have had clients before and they say, no matter what, if you ask me what I'm drinking, I will never tell you I'm drinking. Yes. Me next day be like, yeah, I was drinking. You know what I mean? It's almost like a reflex. I'm not saying that to let them off the hook or I'm not even saying they can't help to lie because they can. But I'm just saying like one things I say is don't ask the question if you don't want to get lied to. Just be like, wow, I see you've been drinking or whatever it is. And I've got a video coming up soon about when to call out lies and when to leave it. And that one may help you and it's not out yet, but it's come embarrassing. So you. Basically my answer to that is don't set yourself up to be lied to because then you're just going to go round and round and then you get in this power struggle about proving that they are and then it. And then that power struggle makes you say and do things that lead to other power struggles and just don't, don't even go down the road. You know they are, they know they are and they even know that you know that they are, but they just won't admit it. I know. I know what you're talking about. All right, now I have ton of resources for you in the description. I think if you're watching on YouTube I should have the link to the page that has all of our for your sources, resources. And also exciting news next week we are opening the membership to our parent group. This is for parents who have a son or daughter. Doesn't matter the age of the son or daughter who's struggling with addiction. It's going to be ran by Campbell, who is our parent family recovery expert. It's going to be awesome. We are opening the doors of that next week. So if you are interested in that, make sure you're on the waiting list because it's only going to be open to new members for a very short period of time, like four days I think. So make sure you get on the waiting list. I'll post that for you in the comments so that you have it. And up next, more videos on addictive thinking.