DO THE 12 STEPS WORK FOR EVERYONE? (alternative ways of thinking)

I've had so many clients and patients over the years who really struggle with the 12 step concepts because of either semantics or the religion part. And all that can become a giant hurdle to recovery. In fact, I had a young man in my office recently, like a really young man, like this guy just turned 18, like a few days ago. And he said it to me in a way that made a lot of sense. He said. He was telling me he really didn't like the whole 12 step thing. And I said, well, tell me about why. And he said, because every time I go to somebody with a queen, I get some kind of overly simplified answer that doesn't really answer anything. And I'm like. Like what? He says, well, like, just pray about it or say the serenity prayer, or just hand it over or keep it simple, you know, like all those slogans and those things that we've all heard a million times. And he says, no matter what question I go to him with, I just get some kind of metaphor or indirect answer. And so it's really hard for me to buy into the whole thing. And I know that this is the case not just for that young man, but thousands and thousands of people out there. So I thought I would go through each of those steps and sort of take out some of those stumbling blocks around semantics and religion. If we can take that part out and explain it to you in a little different way, it may not feel like such a barrier for you anymore. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this is Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can figure out your best way of beating this thing. Okay, back to the 12 steps. So you all know step number one. That's the big cat daddy one. That's the whole one about powerlessness. And that is the very word that people really get tripped up on in this particular step. So basically, people struggle with saying, I'm powerless. And I can understand that because most people I know that have addictions, they're actually pretty motivated. A lot of them are super successful, stubborn headed, get what they want kind of people. And so the idea of powerlessness is really hard for them. So I feel like if we took that one word out and we just explained that in a slightly different way, it might not be such a roadblock for people. Another way to think about that step might be something like, I've tried a whole lot of different ways to manage this issue. I've tried to cut it back. I've tried to change substances. I've tried to not do it at all. I've tried all these different ways, and the problem just keeps coming back and biting me in the butt. You see, here's why people really struggle with the word powerlessness in this particular step. Number one, people just dislike associating that word powerlessness to themselves. It feels like being a victim or it feels like just giving up. And so people just dislike the word in general. But the other thing that really gives people trouble about this is because they can think of a bunch of times where they actually did control the their substance use. You know, they can think about all those times where they did just drink two or three or four, or where they didn't go over the limit. And so because of that, people really struggle with, well, I'm not really powerless because some of the time it really is kind of in the limits. The key here for most people is to understand that it's not that you're powerless all the time, but it's more around the idea of you've tried a lot of things already to manage your substance use. You've tried cutting it back, you've tried all these other different things, and the problem just keeps coming back. Now, it may not come back every time, but eventually it's gonna bite you. I like to say it's kind of like Russian roulette. And you really never know when that dam is gonna break. Now, of course, there's a ton of science behind this concept of why a person cannot manage their substance use. It's a lot of brain stuff and nerdy stuff, and I got a lot of videos on that in case you're interested. But here's what I really want you to know. Even if you are the master of control and you could control everything else in your life, you may have this one area that you just can't consistently predict and control what's going to happen. And that's the way it is when you have an addiction. It doesn't mean you can't ever do it. It means you can't consistently do it. And when things mess up, it really messes up. So just think of it like this. Say to yourself, yeah, I've tried a lot of different ways to manage this, and it's really just not working for me anymore. Okay, Step number two says, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So this is where the whole religion part comes in. And so people start getting really squirmy about this because it's the idea of a power greater than myself. But the real key words here are came to believe and restore me to sanity. So the idea here is do you believe that you can get better? And most of the time that happens when you actually see other people around you or hear about other people around you, or know other people around you that have actually beaten this thing. So you come to believe that it can be conquered and that there must be some other answer out there. Now I know you've probably heard the saying like, well, your higher power can be anything. It can be the doorknob. Well, I really struggle with that because I really don't think it can be the doorknob. The doorknob is not a power greater than yourself. I mean, come on, it's a doorknob. But can you wrap your head around there are some other people out there that have this figured out and you become willing to take their advice about it. That works. Maybe it's your sponsor, maybe it's your whole 12 step group, maybe it's your therapist, maybe it's your preacher. But if you can wrap your head around the fact that other people get better and maybe there's someone or some people out there who might know how to guide you to that, then I think we can actually get somewhere and move on to step number three. Which basically says made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God as I understand them. So we've already sort of corrected the whole God as I understand them concept. You know what the key here to step three is? The key to step three is so simple. All you got to do is really understand that you don't have all the answers, that you are not the higher power and that you have already tried everything you know and the problem still there. If you can wrap your head around the fact that you're not the higher power and that you don't have all the answers, then you can pretty much move forward with this. Because this step is really about willingness. I'm willing to let go of being super stubborn headed and thinking I have all the answers and I'm going to open my mind to some other answers or some other ways of thinking or some other pieces of advice about how to solve this problem. Now that doesn't sound so scary and mystical, does it? It's just a little bit of humility. It's just saying I don't have all the answers. If you can do that, we're gonna be alright. People really get freaked out about step number four. I'M really not sure why. Honestly, people say, well, it just brings up a lot of stuff. But you know what? I think part of it is because step four actually requires like a lot of pencil and paper, like it's a lot of homework. And I think a lot of people procrastinate on this step because a lot of work. So the resistance to this might not be as complicated and deep as most people think. It's just where the pen meets the paper. And so step four is about making that list, that list of people who you're holding resentments towards, who you're holding grudges to. And then in the process and through talking with your sponsor making those lists, you kind of see your own part in things. So in my mind, step four really just coming to terms with all these resentments you've got going on in your life. And you know why that's really important? Because resentments lead you to feeling sorry for yourself. And feeling sorry for yourself will lead you to justify continuing to use drugs, alcohol, or make some other kind of bad decision. Because self pity leads us to some really bad decisions. So it is quite necessary to address resentments in recovery. Additionally, if you can figure out how you maybe are contributing to some of those situations, maybe self sabotaging yourself, then you might quit doing it as often and the resentment list might start to shrink, which might help you to quit adding to the resentment list. And that leads pretty obviously into number five, which in my mind basically just means I'm gonna own my own stuff. And this is just like I just told you. Owning your own stuff is because you cannot let your mind go down to that road of self pity because it leads to justifying and excuse making, which is bad territory when you have an addiction. Well, honestly, it's kind of bad territory anyway to anyone. It's just particularly dangerous when you have an addiction. Number six became entirely ready to have my higher power remove all my character defects. Basically, what this means in my mind is coming to terms with are you ready to change your ways? Are you really ready to take a look at those unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns which lead to negative feelings that kind of get that are getting you in trouble. So now that you've identified what those are, are you ready to get rid of them? Sometimes there might be one or two of those thoughts or behaviors that you might be reluctant to giving up. I've experienced this myself. And once I ask a friend of mine in recovery, what do you do if you're not quite ready to get rid of one of your character defects. And the advice he told me was that you have to pray to become willing. So it's almost like you have to take a little prerequisite step in there if you're finding some resistance. But if you really struggle with the idea of praying about it, why don't you just do a lot of self reflection about it? What purpose does this behavior serve you? In what ways is it benefiting you? In what ways is it harming you? And if you take a real honest look at that, and you really begin to understand that this is causing more harm than good, then you're probably gonna become ready to not hold on to that anymore. So number seven says, we humbly ask God remove those character defects. I know you're struggling with the God word, but here's another way to think about that. Basically, you're saying to whoever those people are around you that you've decided that you're gonna sort of hand over and you're gonna like, seek their guidance. And remember, you're letting go of your sort of willfulness here and your thought that I know everything. So basically, whoever that is, if that's your church, if that's your group, if that your therapist, if that who or your family, whoever that is, you're basically saying, hey, look, I'm aware that I have these issues, and if you see me doing it, hey, let me know because I really want to be better with that. You can do that, right? Number eight made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to all of them. In my mind, step eight and nine are so essential because during the process of addiction, you've probably made a lot of messes in your relationships. And if it's still hanging out there in the air and you haven't directly addressed these things, then you're filled up with all this shame and guilt and resentment and bad feelings and self pity. And I'm telling you all that if you hang on to it, will lead you to self pity, which is going to lead you to making and justifying bad decisions. Plus, it just keeps a block between you and the world because you're walking around hoping you don't run into this person, Hoping people don't bring up certain topics, and you still feel like that disconnect from the people around you, and you still feel like you're sort of juggling those balls the same way you did in addiction. This is about getting rid of this. And so number nine is actually doing the work. Number nine is making those amends and the way I see this, it's like I'm cleaning up the house emotionally. And in my relationships now, some of our houses are just a little messy, and they need some tightening up in other people's houses emotionally, it looks like hoarders inside of there. And so it may take a little bit more to clean it up. But once you address all of these relationship things and you get all those relationship messes cleaned up, it feels so much better. It really is like a freeing process because you don't have to carry that anymore. It's the same way as when you get your house perfectly clean, everything in the right order and shiny and spic and span. Isn't that a freeing great feeling? And that is essentially what you're doing here. You're just doing that emotionally and psychologically on the inside so you don't have to carry that negative stuff anymore. That really does take that last bit of burden that you're carrying from those addiction days. It takes it off of you. Number 10. Number 10 to me, is all about keeping the house clean. So now that you've done all of those things, you've cleaned up the house, it's so organized, you could be on, like, a tlc, Come look at my house TV show. It's so organized inside, like, spiritually and emotionally, you feel good. Number 10 is just about keeping it that way. And so we all know that it's so much easier if, when you use the dish, you go ahead and put it in the dishwasher, then you don't get that big mess filled up in there. And so to me, this step is all about that. It's every day tidying things up emotionally and with your relationships and all that kind of stuff, so that tomorrow is a fresh start. Every day is a fresh start, and you don't have to carry any baggage from the day before. Now, number 11 is one of those steps that has a lot of religion or spirituality in it because it talks about keeping that conscious contact with God. But if you're struggling with that, here's another way that might be helpful for you. It's really important to stay connected to those positive influences and things in your life that have helped you get to where you're at. And so you really need to stay connected to that regularly going forward. Otherwise, it's so easy to slide back to where we were. Think of it like you've now had your tires aligned, you're moving down the road, straight path, steady, no bumping, and all that kind of stuff. But if you don't keep those tires aligned and you don't keep everything, all that maintenance in there, then you're going to be sliding back off to the left again. So what is that for you? Is that going to church? Is that reading books about recovery? Is that listening to recovery podcast? Is that staying connected with friends in recovery? What are those ways that you can stay connected to your truth, where you can be honest with yourself about what's going on, where you can really take those inventories inside and keep that house clean every day? If you don't keep that influence around you, you will slowly start to slide back to where you were. And number 12, we all know number 12 is about carrying the message forward. So haven't had the spiritual awakening, as they say in the 12 steps. Will you carry this message forward? You know what this is about taking your really difficult life experiences that you've went through and using it to do good in the world. There's actually even a lot of science behind this because when you do what you see as good things in the world, you get some good brain chemicals going on. And that really does help to keep you sober. So if you struggle with the 12 steps in the classic way and you're like, well, I just don't know that I can sort of be an ambassador to that and carry that forward, what you can do is use your experiences to do good and pay it forward in the world and be a helpful, contributing citizen of the world instead of a person that just sucks energy and resources from everyone and everything around it. You know, in 12 step recovery, you hear people say, and you can even hear Bill say it in the big book about how if I don't help another person get sober, then I'm going to relapse myself. That really is about controlling the way we feel about ourselves. It's about getting outside of our self involvement and self obsession and deciding, what can I give, what can I offer, how can I help someone else that keeps us in such a good place mentally, emotionally and psychologically that we really do have less need for the drugs and alcohol. We feel better, so we don't crave that stuff anymore. You see, guys, there really is so much to these 12 steps, and they can be effective. Even if you're really struggling with the religious part or some of those semantics and words. You know, there's a lot of science and brain chemistry and psychology behind this stuff. So I hope that you don't let those things keep you from reaching out there and finding your happiness. What part of the 12 step process have you struggled with now or in the past? Or what part of the 12 step process have you found extremely helpful and effective? Let me know that in the comments below. And coming up next, more recovery concepts. Just click the playlist. I've got it right up here for you.