Do these 5 simple things and, your RELATIONSHIP WILL IMPROVE IMMEDIATELY!

Do these five things and you will see improvement in your relationships almost immediately. And these things actually work on any type of relationship. So that can be your romantic relationships. It can be your relationship with your children, your siblings, whoever, your co workers. These things work because they're rooted in basic biology and psychology. So basic. Hang with me today because I'm going to give you five. I guess they're sort of simple ideas. They're not always that simple to pull off. It's not complicated. But it does take a little work on your part. And then if you feel like you're having a little trouble with any of these things that I'm telling you to do, then stay tuned to the end because I'm going to tell you some things that might help you get there. Hey jf, thanks for joining us. All right, so I got my little notes here. That's what I'm looking at. Sorry about that. Before I get into all that, I do want to say thank you to all you guys who are just our loyal viewers. I know that you guys are the ones watching right now and I can't tell you how much I really appreciate you. Sometimes it's hard to keep, it's hard to keep making these videos. It's not, it's not always easy. You know, I do get some negative feedback. But you guys that are watching all the time, you, you comment, you watch my videos, you give me feedb, you tell me suggestions and ideas and it's really, I can't even tell you. It's invaluable to me because without. That's seriously what keeps me going, doing this. So before we say anything else, I just want to say thank you to you guys because you're awesome. All right? And you know who you are. Those of you that are always on here, I know you are, you know who you are, y' all know who I'm talking to. Alright, so let's get on to how do you change your relationships? The probably most important key factor here is you really have to dig deep inside and have a shift in your heart. Because if there's something going on in your relationship that's negative that you don't like, there's a behavior someone's doing that's bothering you, it definitely can change. But very likely part of what's going on, I'm not saying it's all your fault, but what I am saying is there may be something that you're doing or saying, or maybe you're not even doing or saying anything wrong, but you're feeling A wrong way about it, and that causes a person to react to you in a certain way. Now, I know that's a little heavy to think about, but just hang with me here. So I bet if you take a minute here to think about different people in your life, I bet you'll realize that different people in your life get different versions of you, right? It's not so much that you're fake around anyone or not genuine, but different people bring out different aspects of your personality and your character. And the reason that is is because they're giving you different pieces and you're feeding off of those. So think about those people you have in your life that get the best part of you. Why is it that they get the best part of you? There's something about those relationships that make you feel safe. There's something about that relationship that makes you feel understood. There's something about it, that relationship that actually sort of inspires you to bring your best selves. Like, you want this person to feel good about you. You want them to be impressed with you, because you really value what they think. So think for just a minute. What is it that that person does that brings all of those really good things out in you? What is it? Is it they're nice, they understand, they have empathy, they always listen, they don't judge. What is it? They always compliment you when you do something good? What is it that brings that good thing out in you? Because if you can identify that and you can bring more of that into some of the other relationships you have that you feel like maybe aren't going as well as you really want them to, what you're going to see is it's going to change those people. I know you hear all the time saying you can't change someone else. Well, I'm gonna disagree because I think you absolutely can change someone else. You can change someone else pretty dang quickly because who someone is, as far as how they're interacting with you, has everything to do with what you're giving off. And when you give off something different, you're going to get something different in return. So maybe you're not changing everything about that core person, but you're bringing out certain things, good or bad, from that person. And you can control that because if you change, you change them. If they're in a relationship with you, especially if you're, like, around them a lot, like you live with them or you work with them or something like that, then changing how you are on the inside and how you behave and how you think is going to immediately turn it around. Relationships are like water. It sort of fits in whatever container you put it in. It takes the shape of whatever container is there. And so if you want to see a different side of someone, bring a different side of yourself. Now, to do this most effectively, you have to change what's in your heart. I've been reading a book lately. It's super good. I'll put a link in the description when we get off here. It's called the anatomy of peace. I'm actually making you guys some more detailed videos about the things they talk about in there and the steps to take. But essentially, they talk about changing your heart towards someone. Because even if you're acting nice, even if you're doing all the right things, if your heart is at war with someone, if you're upset with someone, if you're trying to get something from someone, if you're trying to make someone do something, then your heart is at war. And no matter what nice things you say or do, they're gonna resist you because you can feel that. You can feel that from other people, right? Like, anybody out there, have a frenemy. Come on, I know you got a friend of me. We all got a couple frenemies. It's like, yeah, we're real polite. We say and do all the nice things, but in our heart, we really don't like that person. And both of you probably know it, right? And so that's what I mean is, even if you do the right things, the. The what's in your heart comes out. You can't help it. It just flows. It's just energy. And you can feel it no matter what you say or do now. So that's really. If you want to be most effective, you have to do that. But let's say you're in a relationship and the situation is pretty bad, and you're just not even ready to change your heart just yet. But you want to. Okay, here are some things you can do. These are more surface behavioral things, but. But they will. These. I'm going to give you four of them. These four things will start to immediately shift. And when you shift your behaviors, they're going to shift their behaviors towards you, and that will change your heart. And then it just sort of creates like a domino effect and you start spiraling in the right direction. Okay? So the second thing that you can do now, some of these things, I know you're going to think, well, I know these things. I know you know these things, but you forgot them. And I'm going to remind you so you can remember how to thank you, Cynthia. See, I'm so add Listening to Cynthia. Thank you. So you can remember to bring them in front of your head. You know how I know you forget them? Because I forget them. I remind my own self. Okay? The first thing that you can do is show appreciation towards someone. Find something that you appreciate about them. And if you want to do a really good job of this, you want to change your relationship fast, find something. Find some behavior or something about them that you like that you want to see more of and show your appreciation for that. Because you guys know, those of you that watch my videos yous know, I say it's like a little seed and you putting water on it, and you're growing that behavior when you do that. So, you know, say, you know, gosh, I really appreciate how you waited for me the other night before you started the Netflix series. Like I said, I wanted to watch that with you. It can be simple things like that, you know, some behavior that you want to see more of. Appreciate it. Even if you only see it, like, in the tiniest little bit. If it's a little grain of salt, take it. Because if you appreciate it, it'll be a little pee next time, and it'll grow bigger and bigger. So express some appreciation now. It needs to be genuine. It needs to be real. Because if you fake it too much, they're gonna feel it. So find something that you like about them or you appreciate about them. And the way you can do that is like, sometimes in my sessions, somebody will be saying something, doing something, and it just. I don't know, it just sort of lights me from the inside. I'm like, dude, that's exactly what I like about you. I love the way you always do that. And I'll say that. And you can see them shift immediately because it's usually some, like, little small thing. I'm like, dude, you always handle those situations good. Or I love that you're such a little hustler or whatever it is. Like, just appreciate it and notice it. The next thing you can do is find Let me say this one next, because this one kind of goes with that one along with show your appreciation. This might seem obvious, but I'm gonna put it in here anyway. Try really, really hard to withhold criticism. I know it's like screaming in your head, especially if you married. It's just right up there, and you just want to say, I know you do, because I do too. We want to say everything that's going wrong. But I'm telling you, when you tell someone what they're doing wrong, you get their defensive side, you get their resentful side. And I promise you, it does not make them want to do right. But if you appreciate what's good about them, it'll make them want to do more of it. And when they start interacting with you that way, you're going to feel differently about them. So number three is notice a positive change that they've made lately. Notice a behavior or a thought or, I don't know, a haircut, something you know that they've done and validate that a positive change. And lastly, and this is another biggie, kind of the two big, big, big ones, the deep ones are number one and number five. So number five is express empathy for someone's situation. So even if you're frustrated with their behavior, if, if the way they're, maybe they're having a bad time at work and they're acting like a jerk to their boss and you're like, dude, I gotta get this, I gotta get them to quit acting like that because they're gonna lose their job. And I don't want that to happen. Instead of going in and saying like, you can't act like that, you're gonna lose your job or whatever, go in and say, I guess it kind of is hard. You know, from what you've told me, it sounds like you're in this situation or that situation because probably they already know whatever behavior it is they're doing that they probably shouldn't be doing or whatever. And if you will express empathy does something in the brain, it actually turns off their defensive. It kind of like lets that little amygdala that gets you all hyped up and defensive. It lets it rest because it knows it's not under threat because you're empathizing. And when you're, when that amygdala is calm, then your front brain works and that's your thinking brain. So especially when you're dealing with kids, if you'll express empathy for their situation and immediately the defenses go away, the walls go away and they'll learn their own lesson. I know that seems silly, but it works. Like when, sometimes when like I deal with someone, maybe seeing person in my office and appreciation of a drug addict son isn't enabling. I used to praise too much. No, I don't think, I think if it's genuine, you can't say, I appreciate that you brought some drugs up in my house and used them. You don't because it needs to be genuine. But if they. If you see small behaviors, you want to continue. I don't. That's enabling. I really don't. So anyways, when I have young people in my office, if they tell me they failed a test or, you know, something like that, they got in trouble or they got grounded, an immediate sort of thought that you might have. When you hear something like that is some kind of, like, I told you so thought. Some kind of like, well, you should have studied, or I told you not to play video games all night, or I told you not to act like that towards your mom, you know, that's your immediate thought. But if you can withhold that and you can say something like, dude, I know I freaking hated geometry. Like, I got through geometry barely with a D, or something like that, and you have that empathy with them, then almost reflexively, okay, JF Is saying, I've done that. And he snaps back. He doesn't need a cheerleader. I can see a little bit of that message, but I couldn't see all of it. Almost immediately when I say something like that, they're like, I know I should have studied. So they say the thing for you. So you can almost get them to repeat that back. If someone's resisting your positive feedback, there's a couple things it might mean, and there's a couple things you can do because you guys are. You guys are throwing me a curveball, which I appreciate. That's all right. So if someone. I have had people that just oppose any kind of positive feedback, and when you're. When they're in that situation, here's what's probably happening. They probably feel so shameful about themselves that they just can't hear it or absorb it. So I don't know if this will fit with your situation, but when it happens to me in my office with a client, I just bring it up, talk about it. I say. And I said this. I think I said this to a client yesterday. I said, dude, I'm trying to give you a compliment, and you're giving it back to me. What the heck is that with that? Like, what is wrong with you? And I'll say it kind of funny, or I'll sort of notice it. I'm like, you have a hard time. Like, every time someone tries to tell you something nice, like, you freak out. What is that? So you can make a noticing statement about that. And a lot of times they may not even be aware that they're doing that. So if they're not, it brings it into their awareness. And also it may bring to the surface the thing that they have deep down inside. A lot of times, I think when, a lot of times when someone can't accept the nice compliments from me, it's because they think that I don't know the real them. So they think, oh, if she knew what I did last week or whatever, she wouldn't feel that way about me. And so most of my clients, you may have heard me say this before, but I don't, it doesn't. I don't need them to confess every bad thing they ever did to me. I don't need them to tell me every time they did drugs or alcohol. Like, I know what that looks like. I can picture it. They don't have to tell me. So most time I don't make people, unless they want to dig into all those dirty secrets and lies and stuff. Unless I run into like this problem of they can't take positive feedback. Because, because eventually I'll say, okay, what is it that I don't know about you that you think if I knew, I would feel different? Because let's just get it out there, maybe I will, let's have it. And then they will tell it to me and then I still feel the same. Then they can, like, it's almost like they can accept that positive encouragement. So it's like, yes, I feel positive about this part of you, despite the fact that that happened. I know it, I know it's there, I know all of it, and I still like you. So if you're having someone that's really blocking the positive feedback, it really should tell you sort of the depth of the shame and guilt that they're having. Yesterday with a young man in my office who's similar to that, who's just really, I mean, he's got walls a million miles thick with some like razor wire on the top of them. And he's kind of like that with me. And I said, I said, you know, I said, you know what I can tell about you? I said, I see a lot of people that do kind of stupid things and some really bad things. I said, and sometimes those people are really cold and they're mean and they're just cold hearted, like criminal type people, they don't care. But not very often. Seriously, like maybe 1% of the time, 99% of the time, people that I see that do these bad things and make these bad decisions are really good people, but they've just gotten themselves in a bad situation and they're stuck. And they're at war with themselves. And then I said, and I can tell you're one of those people. And when I said that, he's like, yeah, you're right. And he started telling me more about that, and he started telling me about how most of his friends are like him, but he does have a couple friends that he thinks is in that bad category. So we talked about that difference, and I said, I think that's why you're so upset, why you're so depressed, because you're really at war yourself. And then the person can acknowledge it. I know that's like a lot of therapy skill, but you ask advanced question, I'll give you advanced answer. All right? If you're having big trouble doing these things and you just can't get there because your heart is so upset and it's so hurt, ask yourself, is the relate. Do you want to save the relationship? Like, maybe this is really toxic and you don't need to fix it, and you just need to move on. Sometimes that's the case. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you can't move on from it, so you better figure out how to deal with it. And sometimes you want to fix it. So if it's. If it's the second or third category and you're still having trouble doing these things because you can't get your heart right because you're like, I'm so mad at them, I can't even think of nothing nice about them. I get it. I've been there. Here's some things you can do that might get your heart to shift a little bit. Number one, you can watch Amber's videos and you can ask yourself, is there anything I'm doing that's contributing to triggering this negative behavior towards me? Am I doing something that's contributing to the problem? It's not. You're saying, is it my fault? It's not. You're trying to take responsibility, but you're saying, is there a way that I interact with this person that brings this part of them out? Whether it's, I'm too nice to them, maybe I'm too nice to them. I need to set a boundary with them. Maybe I'm too critical, Whatever that is. Ask yourself that question. So always look inside first. The next thing you can do is ask them some questions about some deeper parts of their life. Because if you can get someone to open up to you and just tell you some things about them, your animosity will start to melt. It is really hard not to like someone who shows you their Real authentic self. Like, seriously. Because that's what happens in my office when someone. Even some of these, like, people who've done some really bad things, I'm like, oh, like, I get it. They showed you sort of what's inside. So ask them some questions about, I don't know if they're having trouble, like, what goes on at work, who are the people there? Be curious. Find out more about their life. And when you do that, you'll start to see things from their point of view. And that kind of leads to this. Okay. Cameron says, my wife is upset because I'm always researching how to stay off painkillers. Is it. She's on painkillers and you're always trying to research it. Yeah. Guessing that's what's happening. Like, she's on them, but she always catches you researching how to stop. Is that right? You can tell me if that's not right. I didn't get to see the whole thing, but if that's the case, it's because she's scared to come off of them and she doesn't want you in her business and that kind of thing. So I would probably reign that back because that feels almost like a criticism. If she sees you doing that, it's like she can see in your head that you're thinking she doesn't even be doing that. And you might be, but don't show her that. Parts or some other parts. No, I was on them. So you were on them, Cameron, and you were trying to research how to get off of them, and she didn't want you to do that because that's strange. I don't know if I'm. I don't know if I'm. I must not. There probably is a lot more of that story. So the last one here is, think deeply about what you know about this person's early life. If you're getting really bad behaviors and you've done everything and they're just making you crazy, if you'll either find out more, maybe you already know it, but you haven't thought about it in a long time, like, find out a little about their early childhood circumstances because that's what shaped them. And if you're getting some really strong, nasty, ugly defense mechanisms or some kind of toxic behaviors that you don't like, it's probably a defense mechanism that comes from their childhood. And it doesn't mean that you'll be okay with that behavior, but it probably will help you develop some empathy for that behavior. Like this kid I was telling you about. Earlier in my office, he was telling me how he had the friends that were like him who kind of like got in a bad place. We had these other friends that were hard. He started telling me about his friend. I said, well, tell him about them. Like, he said, well, my, this friend, like lost his mom this way, lost his dad that way. Like, saw it, like bad things. I was like, dude, I guess that kid had to get kind of hard to survive. And he's like, yeah. So like, even when you, if you can't like a behavior, if you can understand where it comes from, it'll help you come at it with a little bit more compassion. Now some of you guys put some really good questions up there and I'm super add and I have a hard time like doing the questions and doing this. But if you have further questions, you can always message me. You can find me on Facebook. You message me that way. I think my email is in the description. Gigi, I wish I could have found you a decade ago. I wish you could have too, cj. When my son's a neighborhood, I have a home, a hard time being with him, having a conversation. Oh yeah. Thank you, jf. Don't try this when they're inebriated. I should have said that. But in my mind it's a given. Like, don't even. When someone's in a, like intoxicated or they're high or they're messed up, you go into your neutral zone. Okay? So I always say you can be positive or neutral. You got two gears. Positive or neutral. That's it. That's your two gears, all you got. And so if they're like that, you're just not going to get anywhere. You just need to be neutral. So he gets mad at you because you won't talk to him. That's okay. Just be polite about it. Just say, just say. I know, I just get triggered up if I think you're intoxicated or whatever. But you know, we'll talk tomorrow. Be nice about it. But just excuse yourself and be neutral because if you. Because you're not gonna reason with them when they're intoxicated. Mostly. And because trying to talk to them is gonna trigger you up a lot and it's gonna be really hard for you to do all the little things on the list here. Alright, guys, thank you for hanging out with me. I'm on here every Thursday at 1 and I enjoy hanging out with you guys. If you have more specific questions, feel free to send them to me. And if you want to know more in depth about how to change a loved one or how to get an addicted loved one willing to go to treatment, then you might want to check out our Family Recovery Academy because that teaches you, in detail, step by step by step, exactly how to go about these kind of processes. This is a lot more in depth than what we did here. Thanks, guys, and I'll see you next week. Bye.