Enabling Addiction (2020)

Hello and welcome to our live today. We have a good one for you. It is all about enabling. We're going to cover the number one reason people enable, and we're going to break that into subcategories. And ultimately that is going to help you address or identify and address the thing that's keeping you stuck in behaviors that you really don't want to do. My little camera here, down a little bit. So if you're new to this channel, welcome. This is Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated exclusively to helping you understand the psychology of addiction so you can beat it once and for all and get your life back on track. You know, the life that you wanted, the one you designed for yourself, that's now derailed, going to get that one back for you. So if that sounds like something you need to do, consider subscribing. All right, so most of you are probably aware that the number one thing that keeps people stuck in enabling pattern, not outside of being in denial. Sometimes people enable. They don't know they're doing it, and other times people are enabling. They know they're enabling, but they can't stop doing it. Well, the thing that's very most likely keeping you stuck there is fear. Fear of all sorts of bad things. And that's what this video is all about. We're gonna break that fear down into some subcategories so that you can look at them sort of like, it's like look at it right in the eye, decide the truth about what that fear is and make a decision. You can sort of confront that fear head on and which might let you let go of that and make some more strategic decisions about how to help your loved one. All right, I got my little list here in case I forgot. The first fear that I put on the list is fear of judgment. This is especially true if you're sort of new to the game. I mean, fear of judgment can happen at any point. But especially if this is sort of a newish thing in your life. It's like, what are people going to think? What if the people at church found out? You know, what if my, my mother in law finds out all those different kinds of like, what are people going to think? Because deep down inside of us there's some kind of core fear that what does that mean about me? What does it mean about me if my child has a substance abuse problem? What does it mean about me if I'm married to an alcoholic? All those sort of insecurities that we have. And sometimes it's not so much about a fear of judgment that we think that other people think it's our fault. Like, let's say, you know, it's not necessarily that. I think other people are going to think, oh, it's my fault my husband drinks too much or something. But maybe a fear of judgment from other people, that's like a little bit more like people feeling like people judge you, like, oh, why does she stay with him? Or, why do they put up with that? Or, if I were them, I would do this or that or the other. Well, the truth is, you probably are getting some of that judgment. I wish I could tell you otherwise. But the truth of it is, yeah, there are gonna be some people that judge you because they don't get it. They don't understand. And I think anyone can talk the big talk, but until you're in the situation, you don't know what you would do. You know, it's easy for someone else to say, well, I would leave them, or I would kick my kid out. But that's theoretical. And most people say that before they even really stop to really think about what that would mean. Because with any of those decisions, there are a lot more things that are affected. It's a domino. It's sort of a web of things that any one of those decisions affects 10 million things. And so it's just not as simple as that. So, number one, fear of judgment. Number two, and this is a big one, and an obvious one, is you are held hostage by the fact that you're fearful that your loved one may die. And a lot of times family members have this fear so much, it's almost like they get traumatized. Talked about this in a live I did recently on Facebook, but it's like you get. You start envisioning it, you know, every time the phone rings and you feel sick at your stomach, you know, it's like, are they gonna have a car crash? Are they gonna kill themselves? Are they gonna overdose? Are they gonna hurt someone else? That real, true fear of death begins to take over your life. And, you know, before I did this live, I was talking with Campbell about it at lunch. Campbell's our family counselor. She's awesome. She's got two sons, and she's been there. And she was telling me how occasionally people in her office get to the point where they feel like, you know what? Deep down inside me, I just feel like it might be easier if they did, if they just died. And I know that may sound like the most cruelest, harshest thing you've ever Heard, but it's really not now. Campbell said what she tells him is, listen, I don't think you're really prepared for that as you think you are, you know, and so kind of snapping people back to the realization that maybe they're not. They're not really there yet, even though sometimes it feels like it. But what it's like is, it's like if you've ever had a loved one that had a terminal illness and you. And you're like, watching them die and you're watching them suffer and you're watching everyone around them suffer, you do get to the point that you're like, wow, this is like almost inhum. Inhumane to them, inhumane to us. And as terrible as it is to say, sometimes people come to terms with that. And if you're living in that fear every day, you don't have a lot of choice but to come to terms with the fact of, okay, what if that does happen and it's a sad reality? I'm not going to tell you that that could never happen. I'm just saying sometimes you've got to get your head around it and sort of look that fear in the eye. And that doesn't mean you give up hope or that you stop trying anything. But it is a possibility, and it's a scary one. Number three, fear. Sometimes people enable because they do things they don't want to do because they're fearful. If they don't, the person, the actor, the alcoholic, or the addicted person is going to sort of lose their stuff. They're going to cause a big uproar, it's going to be a giant scene, it's going to be drama, it's going to be a fight. And so sometimes it feels like it's just easier to cave in rather than fight the fight. Especially when you've been dealing with this long time. You are wore down, you're exhausted. Maybe there are other people in the house, and you're just like, you know, the holidays are coming up. You're just like, look, look, I was going to have to do this and give in or whatever, because I can't ruin everybody's holiday for it. So sometimes you're held hostage by the fear of the chaos, the drama, or the fact that that person might blow up. Number four, fear that people really struggle with is the fear of causing more family conflict. Most of you know, if you've watched some of my videos on manipulation that addicts and alcoholics like to split family members against each other. And so if there's more than one family member of the addict alcoholic. There's going to be different points of view on how to deal with it. There's going to be some people who feel really sorry for the person they want to help. And there's going to be other people who are so angry at the person and they just want to have nothing to do with them. And then the family members begin to fight with each other. And what's really important to realize here is that is all symptomatic of addiction. Like, it is something that addicts and alcoholics will purposefully do is keep people pit against each other, you know, and they'll even play into it. You know, they'll. If they know mom doesn't like dad because dad doesn't help around the house, they'll play into that and be like, man, he never helps you out. You know, it's almost like getting everybody sided against each other. Number one, it helps keep their secrets because this person knows this thing and that person knows another thing. And if I keep y' all not talking to each other, all my secrets stay in place. So fear of the family conflict. Fear number five is I've seen families give money to someone with an addiction when they didn't want to give money because they're fearful of I don't give them the money, they're going to get it by fill in the blank xyz, by stripping, by prostituting themselves, by selling drugs, and they might go to prison, you know, and it's almost like if I don't give it to them, I know they're going to get it and they're going to put themselves in this really bad position to do this really horrible thing to get it. And you're scared to death that they're going to do that thing. Number six, let's see if I can hold up six fingers. Six. Fear of being the bad guy. And a lot of times it's just like you don't want to have to be the mean one. You don't want to have to be the one that says you can't come in this house, you don't want to have to be the one to really enforce that boundary. And some people struggle with this fear more than other people. And so generally, if you tend to be fairly conflict avoidant and you just hate causing all that stress, you're going to be more likely to be held hostage by this fear, which is going to cause you to do a lot of things that you don't really want to do because you don't want to be that bad guy. Number seven. And we have eight, just so you know. So stick in there with us. Number seven is fear that you or them will never have a normal life again. So if you're the parent of someone with a substance abuse problem, then a lot of parents are really held hostage by fear. They keep enabling because they don't want them to, like, drop out of college. They don't want them to fail out of high school, because it's like, if they do, you know, they'll be completely off track. They'll never have a life. They'll never be on track with their peers. And it's just like, will they ever, Especially if it's your child, it's just like you just want them to have a normal life. And so it's like, you know, I want them to be able to go to prom and have a good time, and I want them to have all these things, these dreams and ideas that we have for that person. And then other times, it's a fear that your life will never be normal again because this addiction doesn't just come in and ruin their life. It's ruining your life, too. And so it's like, will this ever stop? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever experience joy? Like, am I gonna have to get a divorce? Is that gonna ruin the whole family fear that life will never return to normalcy again? Number eight. Number eight is the fear of being overwhelmed by all the difficult and negative emotions. And so sometimes people will do almost anything not to think about it. And so they'll keep themselves in denial about it or they'll minimize it. They just don't want to open their eyes to it because it's almost a fear. If I open that can of worms, if I really look at that, I might fall apart or I might just lose control of my emotions, so much so that to the point that I cannot pull it back together. So it's just that fear of the flood of emotions. You may choose not to go to certain events because, you know, somebody might bring it up or somebody might say, hey, where's so and so? And then, you know, you just fall apart. So fear of your own emotions about the situation. So the thing about this idea of identifying what it is that's holding you hostage, what's the scariest thing or things that keep you doing things that you don't really want to do. If you can identify it and you can look at it head on and you can come to terms with whatever that fear is, you can Overcome that fear. It's kind of like turning the light on a scary monster. And you're like, oh, I see you standing there. Yeah, you're not that scary anymore. Like, I can see what's going on here. And so it's. You got to look at it almost directly in the eye. And so sometimes when people have anxiety and therapy, one technique, I call it the what if technique, because some people get really, like, what if this, what if that? And sometimes the best way to deal with the what if syndrome is to go, okay, what if? And go to the end of the road, okay, what if this happens? And it's like. It's almost like if you can look at it straight in the eye and say, okay, if that happens, this is what I'm gonna do. It's almost like you have a game plan or you can sort of think through it. It has less power over you. So if you'll identify what it is that you're fearful about, you'll confront that fear head on. Then you can stop making decisions, reactive decisions based on that fear, and make better, more strategic decisions about how to interact, what you want to do, how to have healthy boundaries. If you haven't already seen, we have a couple of playlists on this channel. One playlist is a whole playlist about enabling, helping versus enabling, how to tell the difference, what kind of falls in what category and what in the other. And then there's also a playlist, and I will put them on the replay of this video. If you're watching the replay, I'll put them up here on the screen so you can just click them right here at the end. But there's also a playlist about boundaries, how to have healthy boundaries. When you have someone in your life that's either in active addiction or in early recovery. And if you need more help than that, and you're like, amber, done seeing all your videos, like, I will need you to tell me to do what to do about the situation. You can always schedule an appointment with one of our family specialists here, and we can listen to your situation and help you make a strategic decision about boundaries, about what to do next, about what type of treatment that you might need to look for for your loved one, and all of those sort of things where you're just really stuck and you need some help making a decision. Now, it's not counseling. It's more like coaching. It's more like a strategic, strategic advice session. What do I do in this situation? There are links to all that, plus there's a link to the invisible intervention, which will help you sort of get through to your loved one if they're in denial. All that's in the description below.