Amber Hollingsworth breaks down three steps to stop codependent patterns with family members struggling with substance use: take back control of your own life, make decisions from strategy not emotion, and find a trusted advisor like a sponsor or counselor to guide you.
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In this video, I'm going to tell you the three steps to help you stop being so doggone codependent. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this is put the shovel down. As in, you hit your bottom when you put the shovel down. I've been working with addicts, alcoholics, and their families for more than 15 years. And the purpose of this channel is to help make sure addiction doesn't destroy one more family. And so if you're interested in that, make sure you subscribe. And I'll give you every tool that you need to make sure that doesn't to you or your family. Okay, Let me just start by saying I really kind of have, like, a thing about this word codependent. I don't like it. You know why I don't like it? For several reasons. Let me tell you what they are. One, when people say it, they usually mean, like, one of three things. Some people say it to mean that a family member, a loved one of an addict or an alcoholic, is actually trying to keep their loved one sick. That's ridiculous. Nobody tries to keep their loved one sick with a drug or alcohol problem because, trust me, it is absolute misery to be living with someone with a substance abuse problem. So that's definitely not it. Okay. I do agree that most of the time, families don't know what to do, and sometimes they inadvertently. They do make it worse sometimes, but they're definitely not trying to keep them sick. The other time people use the word codependent is they'll, like, say it judgmentally towards some family sometime who isn't ready to kick their loved one out on the street. They'll say something like, oh, they're just codependent and they're enabling. Well, number one, that's ridiculous because we're wired to protect our family. It is against every, like, fiber of your being to kick your loved one out on the street. I'm not saying you don't have to do that sometimes. I'm just saying everyone should stop judging you if you're not ready, if you're not there. Most of the time people say that. They say that because they say that's the only thing that's gonna make that person get better. That's not necessarily true. Kicking someone out on the street doesn't necessarily make addiction go away. Remember, addiction is continued use despite consequences. So the answer is just a little bit more complicated than that. And lastly, people use the word to mean that somebody cares too much what someone else thinks, well, guess what? We all care what other people think. And people who go around and say, I don't care what anybody thinks about me care the most. If we didn't care, we'd be antisocial. So let's take those three definitions and let's just do away with them because I don't like them. I really wish there was a better word for this issue. In fact, I'm hoping that maybe one of you guys watching know a better word term, something to describe this whole issue that goes on between addicts and alcoholics and their families. Please let me know in the comments below if you got a better word, because I definitely need one. So, because I don't really have a new word when I say it, what I mean is the dynamics or the relationship that happen between the family member, sometimes referred to as the codependent. Although I don't really like that word. Need a new one? Put it in the comments. And the addict or the alcoholic. Which leads us to step number one of how to stop being so darn codependent. The first thing you gotta do is define what the heck you mean when you're saying that word. Be less family member to someone that has a drug or alcohol problem. What? What does that mean when I say be less codependent? What I mean maybe is like get some control back over your own life. Because when you have a loved one with this problem, it sucks you in like a freaking vortex and it consumes your life. I mean, you think your loved ones obsessed with a drug or alcohol, you're worse than they are. You're obsessed with them. And so when I'm referring to it, and I say be less codependent, what I mean is just get some control back over your own life. Step number two. Step number two is when you're in this situation, you cannot listen to your instincts. You've got to make strategic decisions and not emotional decisions. So for example, if you're the parent of a kid with a drug or alcohol problem, you better have a strategic plan on what you're going to do or say when they get arrested, what you're going to do or say when they come home intoxicated, what you're going to do or say when they pick a fight with you. Because trust me, they're going to. If you haven't seen the video that Campbell and I made, definitely check it out. I'll put it in a card right up here and you can click the button and check it out. It's all about how to not get hooked and dragged into these arguments that they're gonna try to start with you, which is extremely difficult in these situations. Which is why you need step number three. You need some sort of trusted advisor on the situation. Now that could be a sponsor, that could be a recovery coach, that could be a counselor, that could be a best friend who's been there and been through it and done that. But you need somebody to help you make those logical decisions. Because everything on your insides, your instincts, your emotions, it's going to block your way. Now, whoever this person is, they need to have some level of experience with this issue. They need to either have been through it themselves or had some training on it or something. Do not go and get a trusted advisor out there who doesn't have any experience with this. Because even though that person may be a great advisor on everything else, addiction does not play by the normal universal rules and laws. So you need someone that specializes in the warped, messed up universal laws of addiction. If you don't already have that trusted advisor in your life or you don't know of someone off the top of your head, I'm gonna give you three resources here that can help serve as that trusted advisor role for you. Number one, subscribe to this channel because if you do, you're going to understand addiction backwards, forwards, left, right, up and down. And that is going to help you make logical decisions. It is going to help you save a lot of money and time and heartache and get your family back on track. The second thing you can do is join our family group on Facebook. Now this is a closed group. All you have to do if you want to join that group is go to facebook.com groups family, family recovery. And to make it easy for you, I'll put a link in the description below. And the third thing that you can do if you don't have this trusted advisor group is you can reach out to our office and one of our specialists will be happy to help coach you through. If you live kind of far away, this might not be your long term answer, but we might can help you through the next few decisions that you need to make and get you at least pointed in the right direction. If you want to do that, you go to our website, which is hopeforfamiliesrecoverycenter.com and select Appointments. I will also put the link for that in the description below. Okay, now that we've said all that, go ahead and check out the next video. It's the next logical step in the process to becoming less codependent whatever that means.
