How To Set Boundaries without Being The Bad Guy

Once you learn to master this skill, you are going to feel such a sense of relief. It's going to be like energy just floods back into your body. Once you can master boundaries, you're going to have so much more respect for yourself. Other people are going to have more respect for you, and it's going to be easier for you to be less judgmental and more empathetic to other people's situation if you can master boundaries. And I know if you're watching this video, you are definitely on your way to doing that because we talk about it so much on this channel, it really will change the dynamics of your life. I know a lot of you watch related to addiction, whether you have an addiction or an addicted loved one. But these boundary issues that we talk about are applicable across the board. And so everything you learn here, I hope that you are applying in other relationships, friendships at work and all the other little tribes and communities that you belong to, because it is going to take a ton off of your shoulders. Many of us, I'm going to say, I started to say many of you, but I had to change it to many of us because I have to include myself in this, feel this sense of guilt. When you set a boundary, you feel somehow bad, somehow you're being a bad guy. If you set a boundary with someone and because usually setting a boundary is some version of no, right, no, I can't do that. No, I won't do that. Usually a boundary is some limitation, usually. And if you're doing it right, usually it's a limitation of yourself, your time, your. Your energy, your money, your presence, any of those things. Because those are really the only things we can limit, right? We can only limit what's in our control. And the only thing that's in our control is ourselves. And then sometimes our resources are within our control. And so when we put limits on that and another person, when we put a limit on that and the other person might experience some uncomfortableness because of that, we sometimes feel irrationally guilty over that. Now, in just a second, we're going to talk about how to communicate boundaries. And sometimes we don't communicate boundaries very well. So if there's a sense of guilt, as in you've done something wrong, it's not because you set a boundary. You might have some guilt coming your way if you handled yourself in a not such great way about how you set the boundaries. That's really the bigger mistake that I see people make. It's not the boundaries that they're trying to set. It's how they go about trying to set it. And the reason why we do this the wrong way so often comes from that guilt feeling because it makes us feel bad, and then we feel resentful because it made us feel bad. How many of you raise your hand, put your little hand emoji in the chat or comments if you've heard me talk about guilt Zent meant that's what I'm talking about. Guilt zent meant it's like the guilt. You feel guilty and then you feel ticked off that you feel guilty because it's like, I shouldn't have to feel guilty. This is your fault. Which leads us to a defensive posture. And when we come at a situation defensively, that energy that we're bringing into the situation gets defensive energy back, right? And then we're even more angry. So a lot of times before you have a conversation or just even if you're not even talking to someone, but the energy you're bringing with someone who you're not setting healthy boundaries for yourself around is you're bringing a negativity, a resentment. You might be bringing passive aggressiveness with you, which is only going to get you more of that back. People are going to reflect back to you what you're giving them. And so you have to be so, so careful about the energy you bring into your relationships, into difficult conversations, because you can set the tone for a conversation. I think boundaries start by the way that we carry ourselves, right? It's by our body language. You can tell by someone's body language if they're calm, cool and collected, or if they're about to erupt or if they've had it to up to here, you know, you can feel it simmering like a volcano in the background. And when you feel that it hits these biological buttons inside of the other person or yourself, if, if they're the ones having that energy that gets that same energy back. It's like a survival mechanism. You can't quite help it. It happens automatically. And then you just go around and around and around and you leave the conversation feeling more resentful. So the other thing that happens that causes us to feel even more upset and frustrated about either having to set boundaries or feeling like someone else didn't appreciate our boundary or understand our boundary is the fact that we expect the other person to not only abide by our boundaries, which, by the way, if you're thinking that, like, then you're probably setting a rule and not a boundary. And I have a lot of videos about that, it can be hard to distinguish sometimes between a rule and a boundary. But if you're like, someone else isn't listening to my boundaries, then that's a rule. Because you can only put a boundary on yourself. Boundaries are for you, not for other people. So other people can't cross your boundary in reality, right? You can let people. You can let people cross your boundary, but it's not their job necessarily to control our boundaries. And here's the thing. Not only do we think that they should respect our boundaries, but we think that they should be completely understanding about it. And beyond that, we think they should like it. Isn't that crazy when you stop to think about it? I've already told you that setting a boundary is pretty much some version of telling someone no about something, right? And so none of us like to be told no, right? Even if we know it's reasonable, Even if we know maybe it's the good for us, we don't like to be told no. So the fact that we expect other people to understand where we're coming from and appreciate and respect our boundaries is kind of irrational, right? It doesn't make any sense. You see this a lot with parents and kids, right? Because it's like, you know, a kid says, can I go XYZ or have this thing or whatever, and the parent says, no, not tonight, or whatever. They set some kind of limit. And then the kid huffs off and gets mad. And then you get really mad because they huffed off and got mad, right? Now, some. It could be that you are getting upset because you feel like that behavior, however they acted, was disrespectful towards you. But sometimes there's just a huff. I'm not talking about like, cursed you out and threw something at your head. I'm talking about just like a huff and an eye roll and a, you know, like a. Some kind of demonstration of I don't agree or I don't like this, or I'm sad or mad or whatever. And then we're mad because they're upset about that. Doesn't make any sense, right? We got to give people room to have their own feelings. And when we're doing that, what that's an indicator is that we are not using good boundaries with ourselves, right? Because it means we're trying to not just control the outcome, but control how people feel about the outcome. And when you can let go of that, then the guilt starts to slide away and people actually will naturally start to fall in line with your expectations and your standards and your boundaries. So much better if you Just carry yourself well. You handle yourself well. You communicate without yelling, screaming, criticizing, blaming, nagging. If you're doing any of those things when you're trying to set a boundary or you're trying to set a boundary and you're trying to put some kind of little learning moment in there, learning lesson, or, you know, tell them why they should have handled it themselves or whatever it is, then you're out of bounds. You're out of bounds. Not there, out of bounds. You're out of bounds. Because that's what's going to hit their defensive button. People don't like to be told, no, let's face it. But they're probably not going to absolutely lose it with you unless the boundary is, I won't give you money to go get your drugs. And sometimes then they will. But. But most of the time people can handle. No, they don't like it, but they can handle it. But if you put a bunch of other words in there with it, the more you say, the more likely you are to tick someone off. And if you're putting a bunch of words in there, it's probably because you're trying to either teach a lesson or because you're trying to make them understand and be okay with where you're coming from. And either which way you're out of bounds and you're going to talk too long and you're going to upset the other person, and then you're going to be even more upset and everybody's going to leave the conversation worse off than when they came into the conversation. Most boundaries are communicated without any words whatsoever. Like, for example, if you don't like to talk to someone when they're drunk, you don't answer the phone and say, don't call me when you're drunk. You either, if you know they have it really well and you know if it's after a certain time, they're going to be drunk, you just don't answer the phone after that time. That is a communication of a boundary. That's like the best communication of a boundary. If that person were to say something to you the next day, hey, you, you didn't call me back last night. Then if you want to set some kind of boundary, you can say something like, yeah, I don't, I don't take a lot of calls after certain o' clock at night because that's my me timer. That's my family timer. That's when I watch my Netflix show or whatever you want to say, right? Because you're making that about you. If you say something like, yeah, I didn't take your call last night because I'm sick and tired of talking to you drunk because you're this and that and the other. You see, that's when I. That's what I'm talking about. When I say you try to slide in a little lesson or a little dig or something like that in there, that's not going to go over well. You don't have to explain to someone why they're in the wrong about their behavior when you set a boundary. And I know it's tempting, right? It's just so tempting to do that because actually we get mad at people when we have to set a boundary. Or, I don't know, I get irritated with people when I have to set a boundary. I think it's kind of a woman thing, actually. That's over generalization. I know that. But let me just say, us women tend to be worse about this because we don't want to say no because we feel guilty because we feel like a bad guy. And so if we say no, we get mad for someone asking us for something because like, how dare they? And then we come in with an attitude about it, you know, can you take my work shift? And then you come in with an attitude about your answer, you know, and then you want to say, hey, you need to get a more reliable babysitter. You need to X, Y, or Z. And you throw that little learning lesson in there out of bounds. And the. The thing of it is, is it's that guilt that you're feeling that you feel like this other person is making you feel guilty, when most of the time that's just coming from yourself. Believe it or not, there are people out there set boundaries. They don't feel guilty at all. If. If there's any of those people in here listening, raise your hand. I want to see where you're at. Because it's a thing. Maybe you got that because you're, like, in recovery. And, like, you're like, bad boundaries in recovery. I got good boundaries now. Or maybe you just always been like that your whole life. I'm like, no, that's just the answer. We. I always know some people like that. Like, people that are. If you've heard me talk on here about personality types, we use the enneagram. Enneagram type eights could have set a boundary. They'll just be like, no or yes, and that's it. And they don't feel a need to explain. Don't go into the need to explain because it's making you either seem angry or, or it's making it seem like you're criticizing them or it's just making you seem like you're weak or that you're doing something wrong, right? It's like, you know when someone doesn't and they start over explaining, you start thinking, oh, they're being sketchy, right? Or maybe they're lying because they're giving you too many details and we're sending off this not great energy vibe when we do that. If you want to feel not guilty when you set a boundary, then you use very few words, right? You have the right tone and the right body language. In fact, slow down your speaking. If anything else, you might have this trigger to want to say it really fast or really loud because maybe you're dreading it or you've just been knowing that this was coming. Like maybe you knew your friend was going to come ask you for money and you've been dreading it and now they're asking you for money. And so you're, you may have this instinct to want to either get loud or just talk really fast and get out of the conversation or whatever it is because it's uncomfortable, right? So, but that's going to get you in trouble. It's going to make. When your anxiety's up, it makes the other person's anxiety up just naturally, like a magnetic force. Can't help it. So when you get your tone right, when you can accept their emotional response to that and it's okay to let other people have their emotions and don't expect other people to be happy about your boundaries, isn't that crazy? I'm saying that because that's myself too. I'm talking to myself here. These things are, these boundary things are hard for me too. And so when we are okay with someone not being okay with it, and most of all when we're okay with someone else being uncomfortable, because usually we feel like by us saying no, then we're putting someone else in a bad situation. Like for example, if someone asks you, can you help me out with my rent this month? And then you either don't have the money or you just, you have plenty of money but you don't want to, which is totally acceptable. And then you say no to that. No, I can't help you. You're going to. You're maybe want to have a whole need to explain. Maybe you want to go into explanation about how you don't have it in your budget. That's over explaining. Don't do that maybe you want to explain how you just don't want to give it to them because you don't want to be an enabler and blah, blah, blah, and they need to do this and that. That's sneaking the lesson in. Don't do that. Just say, no, I can't help you with that. Just that simple. And when you're calm and you leave it that simple, you send this vibe of self respect, right? And this vibe of confidence and that energy translates and a lot of people won't push back on that. Now, they may ask you why and if you want to go into some explanation, you can, but you don't really have to explain why. And I don't even know that I encourage you to do that because when they ask you why, it's like they're asking you to defend your choice. And you don't really have to defend your choice, especially about a boundary around no, I won't pay your rent this month or whatever. So being okay with them being uncomfortable, right? The thing of it is, especially when it comes to someone asking for money and it's usually, we usually don't even get that upset the first time. It's when it's an ongoing issue that we get the guilt zentment going. What's happening is we get feeling guilty because we're like, oh my gosh, you know, what if their electricity gets turned off? What if they get evicted, right? But the deal of it is, is they didn't have enough anxiety about it all month long to get themselves in a position to pay it. They, they let it go, let it go, let it go and, and didn't worry about it. So for you to over worry about it, that's what makes it enabling, right? That's what makes it, you know, they're spending all their money on whatever all month long. Or maybe they don't have any money ever. Maybe they're not overspending their money, but they just refuse to get up and get. Many times do we talk about that on this channel? My loved one refuses to work or they get a job, but they lose it in, you know, 10 days every time or something like that because they don't show up or whatever. So it's like if they don't have enough anxiety about paying their bills, about taking care of their children, about being responsible human adults or even young adults, then we shouldn't carry that anxiety for them. And when you can let go of that, you can let go of your guilt, which is going to help you to come into the Conversation so much more calm and reassured and with self respect. And you will leave the conversation feeling a relief. Have you ever dreaded either like setting a boundary or getting out of a relationship like a breakup, which is kind of a. It's a big boundary set right, or quitting a job, which is another big boundary set right? It's a removing yourself or your resources. Those are the boundaries. And you dreaded it. And maybe you just felt sick about it for days or weeks or months and then when it was over, like maybe it was really hard and then you felt really anxious about it for 10 minutes and then after that you felt this sense of relief and then the day after that you're like, oh my gosh, why didn't I do that sooner? Have you ever had that feeling? I know I have a lot of times when I'm procrastinating something or I'm putting something off, especially if it has something to do with an uncomfortable conversation. I feel so much better when it's over and I realize how much weight I've been carrying around on my shoulders just trying to avoid it. Because it's that guilt feeling which leads to the resentment feeling which leads to you doing not a very good job of setting the boundary which actually leads you to be in a boundary crossing. When you don't and you don't hold good boundaries for yourself, you become a terribly boundaried person. It makes you be the boundary crosser because it makes you try to control other people. It makes you try to teach other people and lecture to other people and criticize other people now. Guess he's got the boundary problem us, right? Boundary problems are always with us. Now I know I talk about boundaries a lot on this channel, but I really want you to think through what it is that you think you're going to set a boundary around. Because no matter how much I talk about this, it's still very difficult for people to understand the difference in control and boundaries and punishment and boundaries. I hear all the time people asking me questions are like, how do I set this boundary around X, Y or Z? Or how do I tell my loved one this X, Y or Z as long as I stay on my side of the street and what they're wanting to tell or boundary. I'm like, they're already on the other person's side of the street, even in the question that they're asking me because it's like I want to tell them that they can X, Y, Z or can't X, Y or Z or whatever. And they're already on that other person's side of the street or I want to. A lot of times we try to, like, hide behind boundary when we're really trying to punish someone. Because a boundary is different than love withdrawal. Sometimes it's like, I'm not going to talk to you because I'm trying to punish you, or I'm mad at you about something, Right? And I just don't. I don't want to come out and tell you. Or maybe, maybe that's what your parents did to you when you were growing up. Love withdrawal or guilt, right? Tried to guilt you over something. Those are bad boundaries. And sometimes we learn those from our environment growing up. And it's really hard to stop because we don't even realize we're having bad boundaries if we're just doing what our mama did and our grandma did and our daddy did and his daddy before that did. Right? But it is, it is bad boundaries when we're trying to control, criticize, force. So love withdrawal is different than a boundary. Like, if someone is putting you in an unsafe situation and you don't answer their calls and you remove yourself from the physical environment, that's a boundary and a good one and a one that you should have. If you're just like, now, I'm ticked off at you and I'm not going to talk to you for a week. That's punishment. That's trying to teach a lesson. And so ultimately we come to realize that the only leverage that we have is whether or not we engage with someone, whether or not we physically allow ourselves to be around someone, whether or not we emotionally allow ourselves to be available someone, whether or not we share our resources, which would be our time and energy with someone, or we don't. And that's it. And so when you, when you get in your mind and you start thinking about setting all these boundaries that you need to set, you need to ask yourself, how am I going to reinforce it? Because there's only a few ways. And it's those things right there. Those are the only boundaries you can reinforce. You can stop giving them money, you can stop emotionally engaging with them. You can remove yourself physically from a situation. Those are pretty much your options. So you got to say, is this boundary that I'm setting, am I willing to do one of these things? Because a lot of times we try to pick all these little behaviors that we don't like, and we try to set these boundaries around them, and you realize you really only got an ace card, so you need to save Your ace cards for when you really need them. Don't play all your ace card every five minutes. I've seen parents a lot of times, parents, when your kids get to be like teens and early young adults and you realize you really don't have any power or control over them anymore, only thing you got left is the money card. I see parents play the money card five times times a day. And it's like, it's like ridiculous, right? It's like, I'm gonna cut you off if you don't major in what I want you to major and I'm gonna cut you off if you date that girl, whatever. And, and so. Or I'm not gonna pay for this or I'm not gonna pay for that. That is an attempt to control by leveraging the money, which is different than I am only willing to pay for semesters of school that you pass. Do you see the difference? I'm not going to pay for school if you don't major in what I want you to. That's a control. I'm only willing to pay for classes that you pass. That's a boundary. You see the difference. And so it's, it's not an attempt to make someone else do anything else. It's an attempt to be a smart investor with your money. Right? Because it doesn't make any good sense to put your money into someone's education when they're not showing up to class over and over and over again. So it's, it sometimes can be really hard. In just a second, we're going to take some questions and get some feedback from you. And so I'd love it if you want to give me some boundary questions and then we can maybe help figure out is it a good boundary? Is it a punishment? Is an attempt control? Because sometimes it's kind of hard. Some of these I have to really think about myself. Oh, and I don't want to forget too. I created this. I call it the boundary blueprint. It's like the most extensive boundary like God written guide that I've created. I mean it lists in there all the wrong boundaries that we see people set every day that are what's. They're like false boundaries and all the better boundaries in all the different categories. And it, and it applies both to people that have addicted loved ones. It applies to people that are trying to get in their own recovery and guess what? Their families are crossing all kind of boundaries. It's both ways. And so it helps both sides to kind of look at a situation. And it's free and you can download it. And it is. The link is in the description. You can download that. It's. It's the most extensive one that I've, that I've written. Ambry AI helped me come up with it. I like Amber AI, by the way. Amber AI is probably going to be launching next week. So if you're not on the waiting list, get on the waiting list, because the people on the waiting list are going to get like a massive discount on it for next week only. So that's also in the description. All right, Bri, let's take some boundary questions. Here we go. Erica says, dealing with a 50 year old, I feel like I don't need to repeat my boundaries of leaving for days at a time. He has done the 12 steps and hasn't spoken to me for over three months. Was this wrong? Okay, let me read this again. Just a 50 year old and you don't want to repeat your boundaries of leaving for a few days at a time. I'm a little confused. I'm not sure, Erica, if you are saying like this person, you're like the 50 year old, if they like go MIA and then they don't communicate and they're gone for days at a time and you're like, if you're going to do that, I'm not going to be with you, or I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little bit more, Eric, about what the bound when you're saying I feel like I shouldn't repeat it, you're probably right about that because, you know, saying it a bunch of times is called nagging and not boundaries. But give me a little bit more clarity on what you're talking about for the leaving days of time. All right, while we wait for Erica, we'll talk to Bianca. Bianca says, was it wrong of me to tell my loved one that I feel more comfortable supporting him through his journey once he decides to go to meetings and get a sponsor? Let me think about that for a second. Bianca, it's a good question. This comes up a lot. I like the way you're saying it. I feel more comfortable. I feel like that's talking about you, so I feel like that's in line. I don't necessarily think this is an out of line boundary at all. Like, especially in the way that you're communicating it. And I can see where you come from. I feel more comfortable investing my money and time and energy into someone who's doing something to help themselves. I get that. But if I were you, Bianca, I would think through whether or not you want to make it contingent on meetings and a sponsor, because those are just boxes to check. Okay. And so what's happening there is. What it is, is you wanting them to be trying to help themselves. Right? That's what you want. And the only way that you have figured out how to measure that is meetings and sponsor, because that's what everyone says. You gotta go to meeting, you gotta get a sponsor. And it's like the thing we know to tell people to do. And so it's like, if you're not gonna go to the meetings and get a sponsor, you can't live here, or I'm not gonna pay your rent, or whatever it is. And I just think that's a bad boundary because they could be doing whatever kind of addiction and still go to meetings and still have a sponsor. I see that every day. So I would make it more vague than that, actually. I'm more comfortable helping myself when I know that you're helping you, too. And you. When you say it like that, most people want to be more specific, but actually I like to be a little bit more general with it because you leave yourself wiggle room, right? Because what's going to happen to you, Bianca? Is this person going to go to meetings and have a sponsor, and then they're going to still want your support and you're going to know they're like literally leaving the meetings and going to get high, or they're sitting in the parking lot of the meetings and getting drunk, or they got their sponsor, but they're not working a step or whatever you're going to. They're going to find the loophole when you get too specific like that. So leave yourself room for game time decision. I don't think the boundary is necessarily wrong. I think you're. The communication is good. I would just think it through as far as the specifics of it. Erica. Yes, Mia. So the other person goes MIA and they haven't spoke to you. This is a video. Feels like I don't need to repeat my boundaries of leaving for days at a time. He's done the 12 steps and he hasn't spoken to me for over three months. Was this wrong? I'm thinking you're saying this person was gone MIA. They've worked the 12 steps, but you broke up with them. You somehow removed yourself emotionally and probably physically from the relationship. No, I don't necessarily think that was wrong unless you're trying to do it to punish them. Because a lot of times it's the intent, right. If, if it's, if this is a situation where you're dating, you know, I probably ain't gonna like dating someone that goes to MIA for days at a time, not communicate with me either, right? Like we're supposed to meet up and then they're just MIA and don't answer the phone. They're just gone. Because that's gonna make me worried, it's gonna make me anxious, it's gonna make me upset, all the things. And so do you want to be in a relationship with someone that. No. So if you're setting a boundary with yourself of I'm not going to be in relationship with someone who does X, Y or Z, I think that's fine. If, though you were saying you and Mia for three days, let me go MIA for three days or let me teach you what it feels like, then that's out of bounds. So it's. You could the same decision that you make, but the intention behind it makes it either a healthy boundary, not healthy boundary. And as far as communicating it again, if he hasn't spoken to you in three months, I don't think you need to communicate again. I think what you're asking is like, I think what you're wanting is you're wanting this person to understand where you're coming from. And so you're having this instinct, like, we would all have to try to like, explain it to them because my guess is like, he hasn't talked to you in three months. He's acting like you're the villain and you're the bad guy and you're upset because you're just trying to set a healthy boundary and he's making you the villain. So you want him to understand. And so where the boundary issues coming in is more like, no, I just need you to understand, like, that's out of bounds and blah, blah, blah, blah. And we want, we want to get all that across because we want to set the boundary. We want them to like it. That's my guess. Do you need to repeat it? No. Is it fair? I think it's fair not to be in a relationship as long as you're not doing it to punish Kim. I am good at setting reasonable and productive boundaries that protect my well being, but I stink at following through and enforcing them. Mainly. It's inconvenient for me. Any suggestions? I think this is insightful. It's hard to admit this sometimes. So what you're, what you're saying here, Kim, is I'm good at verbalizing what my boundaries Are. But if you're not good at following through, then you're not good at the boundaries, because it is the following through that's the boundary. Right. Just saying. It's more like a threat. Don't set boundaries that make things inconvenient for you. Like, for example, I know that this one isn't necessarily what we're here for, but it's a good way to think about it. Like I always say, you know, a kid does something wrong and then the parent grounds them for a month. I'm like, oh, my God, what are you doing? Right? Isn't that kid's gonna be all up in the house whining, fussing, complaining for a month now you done tortured yourself. I'm like, now these parents are punishing themselves. Right? Right. Like, maybe. Maybe your situation, I'm just guessing, Kim, is like, you failed some drug tests, so you can't drive the car, and now they can't drive the car, and now you feel like you're responsible for driving them everywhere, so then you give in on the car. Right. This is where you gotta make some decisions. And I'm just using that example because you're saying inconvenient to me. You can set a boundary on something. Like, you know, you can't drive my car if you're not passing drug test if you want to, but then you gotta let the consequence of that fall on them. It doesn't make any sense. If you set the boundary of, I'm not going to give you any money, but then they can't pay their electric bill, and then you go pay their electric bill. And so I think that it could be something like that happening to you, Kim. It's like you're setting the boundary, and then some uncomfortableness applies to them, and then now you're feeling like you need to somehow fix it or compensate for it, but you don't. Like, even when we used to see a lot of teens, it would be like parents would take the kids car away, but then they would feel like, well, now I got to leave work to take them to school and pick them up and take them to practice. I'm like, no, you don't really. You don't. Like, they can figure it out. There's a bus that comes every day. They can ask a friend. They. You don't have to take something away and then fix it. That that's what's inconvenient. And that's probably something to do with why you feel like maybe you're not following through would be my Guess is because you're uncomfortable with their uncomfortableness, you're uncomfortable with them having the consequence of the boundary that you set. Breakfast for dinner. I like your profile name. We call that Brenner. I love Brenner. Why do you say to make a boundary about you? I didn't answer. Because that's me. Netflix time. Okay, I get that saying a dig won't go over well, but shouldn't they hear it? Or should we assume that they will know? Oh, this is a good question. Because what you're saying is like. And a lot of people say this is like, I feel like I'm letting them get them away with it if I don't say something about it. That's not true. Other people can know. Other people can connect the dots. They get resentful at us when we try to connect the dots for them. So, no, I really don't. I really don't think you have to say it. And sometimes, especially if you know the person's personality, you know it's just going to cause an argument, then I definitely wouldn't say it. And if you are going to say it, and this sounds weird, but this is just a technique that I've noticed that just works better if you will not directly pin the addiction, but maybe pin the behavior. If you're going to bring it up because you're. You really grumpy at night, right, Instead of because you're drunk. Because people can usually hear that better and they'll connect the dot that they were drunk or whatever it was. But no, it's about you. You are not letting someone get by with something. When you think that I'm letting someone get by with something. See, that's a need to control, right? That's a need for you to feel like you're the boss or you need to teach the lesson or you need to control and you don't. And the more you do that, the longer that problem is going to maintain itself, because then they're just busy being mad at you instead of dealing with their situation. Jenna says know someone who's been sober for about a year now. They have told me about some of the boundaries they've set with others, but they sound more like rules. How do people make the shift? Shift? Can you tell me what the rules or boundaries are? Are you asking, like, what would be better rules around us? How do they make the shift? They have to. I don't know if they're good boundaries or not, because I don't know what they are, Jenna. But you can put them up here if you want, and I'll take a look at them. But they make the shift by having some awareness. And if you're their friend or you have a close relationship with them and they're talking about that, you can, like, in a very curious tone of voice, or say, tell me more about that. Tell me why. That's your boundary. And they might have a perfectly good explanation for it that seems to fit with you. But even if not, just being curious about it and asking them about it will help them to see or have to identify where they're coming from. It'll help them to figure it out for themselves. But I'd love to know what these boundaries are that you feel like rules are. Michaela. Michaela. Is it Michaela? Michaela. Michaela. Something. I'm sorry, but I know I'm butchering. I'm sorry. How to set a boundary for an ex boyfriend. If he tries to come back and tell him you're only available if he gets sober, but without it being an ultimatum. I think. I mean, I think you're already broke up. I think it would be closer to an ultimatum, even though I don't necessarily disagree. But it'd be closer to an ultimatum. If it's like, if you don't get sober, X, Y or Z, but you're already not together, I would probably just say, hey, you know, I feel like we both still got some work to do on ourselves. I don't think now's the time they're going to know what you mean. I'm sure you broke up because of the addiction. I'm sure you don't have to spell it out if you don't want to. But if that's a healthy boundary for you, which it probably is, if you're already broken up. I wouldn't get back together when they're still actively using because it's not going to be any different. But you don't have to have a lot of conversation with them to explain where you're coming from. And you're going to have to be comfortable when they think that you're an evil bee, because not only will they think it, but they'll tell everybody else it. And you're just going to be comfortable with that. And you're just going to have to not take on that guilt. Zentiment, because you know the real deal. And when people are in an addictive state of mind, they have to have a villain. And so you're going to have to get comfortable when he says, you know, you ruined my Life and I wouldn't desert you if this was you and you had a problem. They're going to say all that stuff and try to put it back on you, but you don't have to accept that. You have to believe it. Mona says learning boundaries are about me and around me. What can I do and desire to do. Being okay with another person's discomfort caused by their actions or irresponsibility, it's huge in my recovery. Mona, I'm guessing that this is probably like a long term thing for you. Like maybe you've always been a helper or a fixer, maybe you grew up in a family where you were like the good girl or whatever. And you, you know, you, you always try to be helpful because you know our parents reinforce that, right, that we're being helpful and you're so sweet. Wasn't that nice to do? And that's, that's fun because we want to be helpful people. But it can get so reinforced that then we subconsciously feel like if someone else is uncomfortable, we don't do something for someone that we're bad or worse, selfish and letting them suffer. So I think in your rational mind you probably already know that it's okay for them to be uncomfortable. And if that doesn't work, you can remind yourself of the only way people grow and get stronger is to be uncomfortable. No one grows, no one gets stronger, better, no one gets in recovery comfortably. So if you're not letting any uncomfortability take place, then you're literally stopping that from happening. Just like you can't grow muscle without getting uncomfortable, you can't grow recovery without getting uncomfortable. You know, you can be nice about it. You don't have to be mean and make it worse. But it's gonna be uncomfortable and that's okay. It's part of the process. Kathy says, what would be your ace card? Ultimately your ace card is your relationship with the person. That's your, that is the ace card. That's really the only thing you have control over. I either will or will not engage with, with you. And so that's what I mean when I say don't get into the nitty gritty with people over little bitty things. Because you're going to literally be like I'm going to leave. If every single time your ace card is you, that's really the only thing you have to, to pull back. And I include your resources, like maybe it's your car, your money, your time, like maybe you babysit their kids or something like that. But all that's included with the U package. That's your ace card, Crystal. I have been loaning my loved one money for gas, rent, etc. He always says that, you know, wait, that, you know, I will pay you back. True, he does. On his next week's paycheck. It has become a routine or habit. His lack of funds is more of irresponsible spending, miscellaneous items, not budgeting. How do I approach him in a conversation to set that boundary? I expect his mismanagement will get worse. Well, I can tell you what not to do, Crystal, and that's not to have a budgeting conversation with someone. It's kind of like I say, when people have a weight issue. Like I've had a weight issue off and on forever. It's not because I can't calculate calories, okay? So that's not it. So don't have. Try to have a money conversation or a mismanagement conversation, because that's out of bounds. I honestly think if. If you're loaning them money and then they're paying you back every paycheck and it's not really causing that much trouble for you, then I think it's fine to let it happen. If they're paying it back, if they're asking your week and they're just never paying it back, that's a whole different story. But probably you're wanting to set that boundary because you want them to learn to be more responsible with their money. That's their side of the street. Right? Your side of the street is whether or not I can loan you money, which I would think would be determined by their credit, is what I call it, their credit. Do they pay you back? So they have pretty good credit score if they pay you back. So if you have it, it's not going to put you in a bad place, then I'm okay with you doing it, actually. And, and probably too, if they're having to pay you back every paycheck, that. I mean, that's what happens with financial problems, right? We get behind and then we're robbing Peter to pay Paul. So part of what's going on is he has to give this week's check to you for last week. So then he runs out again. Right. And it's about. It's hard to dig out of that hole. And especially when you're, you know, taking the rest of your money and you're not managing it well. But you gotta let them figure it out. That's not for you to explain. Everybody knows how to count dollars. I promise. Jenny says, how do I set boundaries when I feel like I'm his last hope? It feels like no one else realizes how bad it really is. He was fired in January for the first time ever. Is depressed and drinking daily if you're the last hope, My guess is, is that everyone else has figured out how bad it is. Jenny. Because it means that they're. They've set the boundary and they've said, I'm done. Right? I'm not going to come in here and save you anymore. I'm done with this behavior or whatever. And they've sort of been like they've pulled their ace card already. They're. They're out. And that happens a lot of times when you. When a person has burned every other bridge but you and then you feel like you're their last lifeline. But if you realize that you being their last lifeline, it's not making them better. They're still literally killing themselves in your living room. It's not helping. All that's happening is you're drowning yourself with them. Then I think that's when you'll be able to back out of that. Because it's like you're probably pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, and you're keeping them afloat. But it's not working, right? It's not. It's not helping. The person is getting more depressed. There's nothing you're going to say to cheer someone that's depressed up. Depression actually serves a purpose. The purpose is to make us kind of. All emotions serve a purpose is to make us sort of, like, back up and withdraw from life a little bit. Because there's something going on that we need to figure out. So I would think if he's lost his job, and I'm guessing there may be a substance abuse problem in there, or you said drinking daily, that there's. There's some good reasons why they're depressed. And you sticking around isn't never going to cheer it up. The only thing that's going to cheer it up is to stop drinking and get back to work. And so you can stick around all day. You're going to get sucked into the depression. I promise it won't fix the depression. All right, guys, we are out of time. Don't forget to get on the Amber AI wait list. I'm telling you, she's awesome. She's the one telling me how to do this video for you guys today because I said, what do people ask about? And she says how to set boundaries without feeling guilty because apparently, that's what you guys are talking to her about over and over and over again. She's saying, hey, this is what your people want to know. I hope this has been helpful for you. I'll see everybody next week. In fact, next week we'll probably do a couple of extra lives because it's. We're launching Ambra. So I'll probably do some extra lives and let Ambra come on here and answer some questions. So hope to see you there. Bye, everybody.