How To Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling

If you're living with an addict or an alcoholic, this is the video for you, because I'm going to give you a framework to help you make decisions. You know, those really difficult decisions that you always seem to be backed into the corner having to make. I know you know what I'm talking about. You know, those ones that make you feel like there's no good answer. Well, stay tuned, because what you're going to learn today is a method that's going to help you make strategic decisions instead of those reactive and emotional decisions. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Hope for Families Recovery center, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed specifically to teach you the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your loved one and get your life back on track. The strategies that I'm about to teach you are the exact strategies that we teach our clients and families and every single day in our office. Once you get clarity on this topic, decision making, it won't be easier, but at least you'll have a formula or method from which to make those decisions. I think the best place to start is to take a look at these three concepts or terms, phrases, whatever you want to call them, that tend to get all mixed and jumbled up in our minds, and it's difficult to pull apart the pieces those three words are going to be. We're going to look at consequences versus punishment versus boundaries. Because sometimes I think people use the word consequences when really it's punishment. People use the word consequences when it's really boundaries. And if you can understand the difference in what's happening here, you're gonna be able to make so much more logical decisions. But if you can understand the differences in these, it's gonna be way easier to make logical decisions. So recently, One of our YouTube fans left a comment, or I guess it's a question, in the comment section on a video previously. And basically she asked, what do you do when the plan got all messed up, and now your grown child is going to be coming back home from rehab? And this was a parent who was clearly very stressed about the situation. And when I explored further, what I found out was I said, well, why did the plan change? Or what was the plan before? And what I learned about the situation was the person that's in addiction treatment, which is this person's child, adult, child, mind you, had sort of broken a rule at their treatment center. And so they weren't on as advanced of a phase as they should have been. And so when their time was up, they weren't going to be able to go to this next level, like step down, and they were going to have to be released from there. So the. So the parent was obviously very distressed. You know, I don't want to put my kid out on the street, but I don't want to let them come back home because I know it's just going to destroy my family. It just wreaks havoc. I've got another child in the house and it's just a nightmare. So this is a really good example about those decisions that we as family members tend to get backed into the corner about all the time when you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic. So when it comes to making this decision, the most important concept is why you're going to make the choice that you're going to make. So let's say that this parent decides that they do not want to let this child come home from treatment. Let's think about why they're going to make the decision not to let this child come home. If the parent makes the decision not to let the kid come home from treatment because it's just going to destroy the house, it's going to wreak havoc, it's going to cause everyone else a lot of anxiety and turmoil and fighting, then what you're doing is you're making that decision based on boundaries. Now let's get this clear, because most of the time when people hear boundaries, they think boundaries are the rules we put on other people. But that is so wrong. You really need to do that in reverse. Boundaries are the rules for yourself. So if you make the decision not to let your child come back into your home because it's going to destroy your family, that's boundaries for you and for your family. So that's making a decision based on boundaries. If you let this child come back home in the house and then you do a home contract or something, and you say something like, but if you relapse, you're out of here. Then when you ask that kid to leave now, you're punishing them because they had a relapse. And the last way to look at this situation from the consequences framework is, is making the decision of, I'm not going to bail you out of this problem that you created when broke the rule at the treatment center, because when the kid broke the rule at treatment center, that opted them out of their next phase. And so if you run in and rescue this person, then you're not allowing the Natural consequences. So can you see the difference in the thinking here? It's the consequence of what the person chose to do. You're just not intervening on it, or you're making a decision based on your boundaries. For this person making a decision about, hey, I'm just not bringing that chaos back into the house. It's not because I'm mad at you. It's not because I want to punish you. It's just because we can't deal with it. And it's not even because I'm trying to control whether you use or don't use. It's literally for the family. The problem in this situation is, is if you let the person come back into your house and you know good and well it's going to cause a bunch of havoc, then you're going to immediately get yourself in a situation where you're going to be having to punish that person, where you're going to be having to do all these contracts, where you're going to be having to do all these if then statements. And you guys know, if you've watched any of my videos, that's a bad idea and it's just going to backfire. You. Okay, let's look at some things that might fall into the consequences category. Just to give a little bit more clarity here. Things that would fall into the consequences are loss of trust. So if someone lies to you or doesn't follow through with what they say they're going to do, it is a natural consequence that they lose your trust. And sometimes living with an addict or an alcoholic, they'll even turn this back on you and they'll say something like, well, you don't even trust me. And if they do, or they'll say something like, well, you just never trust me anyway. You always think I'm lying. If they do that, then what I want you to understand is most of the time people get defensive and they want to be like, well, that's not true. But it is true. You don't trust them. And that's a consequence of the fact that they've lied to you or misled you or manipulated you for this whole time. So it's okay that you don't trust them. You shouldn't trust them because it's a consequence. Another consequence might be the loss of money. Not you taking away their money, not you refusing them something, but more that they lost their own money, their own scholarship, their own job. So it's like a financial consequence. It's not something that you created or that you managed or supervised this is something that they did out there in the world, and the consequences from the world came down, and the universe will put the consequence in the right place. Probably one of the biggest consequences of addiction is loss of freedom. And I don't just mean, like, going to jail. Loss of freedom. Obviously that counts. But what I really mean here is when you don't have any money, you have loss of freedom of choice about what you can do. When you don't have a car, you have a loss of freedom about where you go and who you go with. When you've lost trust, then you've lost your freedom to interact within a relationship without a whole lot of tension. I think it's really important to understand the difference in consequences versus punishment. So let's move on over to the punishment category now. If you're living with an addict or an alcoholic, it is going to be very tempting to put some punishments in place because you're angry, you're upset, they're crossing your boundaries, you've done everything. You just want to pull your hair out. Punishment. Examples of things that would be punishment that sometimes people call consequences. You know, parents always say, well, that's the consequences. I'm taking your Xbox away. No, that is not the consequences. If your kid doesn't study and they make bad grades, the consequence is the bad grades. The taking the Xbox away is the punishment. And I know we use those words interchangeably, and for the most part, it doesn't really matter. But when it comes to dealing with an addict or alcoholic, it really does matter, because punishments definitely don't work. Consequences barely have any effect at all. But if there's a chance that something's going to have an effect, a consequence was going to much more effectively than a punishment. Because a punishment is some negative something that you're doling out that you're making them do or making them not have or not do. And all that happens when you punish someone is they just get mad at you. They don't think about what they did wrong. They think about what a big old jerk ball you are. But I know what you're thinking. You might be thinking like, well, what if they're still using and I decided I'm taking their car away or I'm not paying their car insurance or something like that. Wouldn't you call that a punishment? But, Amber, isn't that what you should do? Well, it depends. It depends on why you're making that decision. If you're deciding that you are not paying the insurance for a car, for a vehicle, for Someone that you know is out there driving intoxicated and having insurance on them is going to put you and your family at liability and risk. And you're deciding not to do it for that reason. Then you're deciding not to do it because of your boundaries, not because of a punishment. You see the difference? The intent here is really important for two reasons. One, because understanding the intent here is what's going to keep you sane and let you make choices wisely. And secondly, framing it up correctly is going to help that person learn lessons, if possible, faster. Other examples of punishment are cold shoulder. You know, like when you're really mad and you're just pouting and you won't talk to that person, or yelling or nagging or threatening taking away their Xbox. All of those things are punishment. Let me give you another scenario or two to help you really sort this out, because this really is such an important topic. Let's say the person that has the addiction to drugs or alcohol actually lives in your house. If you start telling them who they can and they can't hang around and be around, then you are trying to control their boundaries. That's out of bounds for you. If you say who can and cannot come into your house. That's you managing your own boundaries. You see the difference here? You cannot tell someone else, at least someone that's like an adult or really someone that's like even a teenager, because you can say it and they'll do it anyway. You can't make them do things. You can't tell someone else what to do. You can only draw boundaries for yourself. Here's another one. Let's say you're dealing with a college student and they flunking their grades and they have flunked out of school, but they want another chance and they want to go back the next semester. Now, if you tell them, no, you screwed it up, you can't go back to college, then that's like punishment because you're taking it away from them because they screwed up. But if you say to them, you know what? That last semester was pretty much a bad investment for dad and I, so we're not going to pay for another semester. There's a difference here. I know it sounds the same, but there is a difference here. Because they can get the money somehow, else they can make the money. They can apply for a student loan, they can go back to school, but it's going to be on their dime. So you're not telling them what they can and can't do. You're saying well, what you will and won't do. Now, this one about the money and the paying for things is really a double edged sword. Because many times I have seen parents use the money, especially when they feel really out of control and they feel like they don't have any. They don't have any way of dealing with the situation. They use money as a weapon. And so only you can be honest with yourself about your intent on this issue. Are you doing it to punish them? Are you doing it to control them? Or are you doing it because it's just a bad decision for you? Like choosing not to pay for another semester of college when you've already paid for a semester or two that have failed? That's just a financial decision. That's just a good boundary for yourself. Can you see the difference here? So the real key to this whole formula is you want to avoid punishment whenever possible because it's just ineffective. And not only is it ineffective, but it backfires and it makes things worse. You want to allow natural consequences whenever possible and appropriate. Okay. Okay. There is like a limit sometimes to the amount of consequences that you want to let happen, but it's a pretty far out there limit. If you want to know more about that, watch my video. The title on the video is how far should you let them fall? Because it'll talk about where's the end of that rope on the consequences. But allowing those consequences is going to get their attention so much faster than anything that you can implement. And lastly, if you're going to set a rule, set it for your own sanity and the sanity of your family. Do not set it because you're trying to control them or make sure they do or don't use drugs. Setting rules about how many meetings someone goes to is control. Setting boundaries about the chaos that you will allow in your house or not in your house is boundary. I know you're thinking, Amber, this is pretty simple, but this is really muddy water here. And if you can get some good clarity on it, you're going to be able to make better decisions. For more information about this issue of having boundaries with someone that has an addiction problem. So I'm going to put the next video you need to watch right up here.