I hate it when people give this advice! 😡😠😡

This is bad advice that I hear all the time. People saying, giving to other people about getting sober or getting into recovery, that not only is it bad advice, but it's just flat out dangerous and wrong. So today in this video, I want to set some things straight. Now, before I do that, I will say I'm kind of aware that this video might get me in a little hot water. I might push some buttons. And if I do, that's a okay. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. This just my opinion. The reason I say that this one particular video might rub some people wrong is because the things I'm going to tell you, the advice I'm going to tell you about today is advice that usually comes from people in recovery. This is advice people in recovery often give other people who are trying to get sober or other people's family members who are trying to help a loved one get sober about the process. And the reason that might be hard is because you might be thinking, well, Amber, like, you know, been there, done that. I dug myself out of it. Don't you think I know something? What I would like to say is sometimes when you get far from it, when you get a good distance away from the situation, you kinda forget exactly how those first days happen, how it really happened, that you dug yourself out of the hole. You forget some of the really important parts. And hey, I could be wrong. This isn't for everybody, maybe. But telling you, these are things that sometimes I think when we're in recovery long enough and we get a distance away from, we give people this bad advice. That really isn't an accurate picture of exactly how. How we got cleanness or how you got cleanness over yourself. And the reason I said is because I work on the front lines of this, and I usually am with people at the very beginning, you know, like those first steps of going from active addiction to trial sobriety to real recovery, I'm usually like right there, front steps of it. And I've done it more than a thousand times, thousands of times. I've been here with people walk through these steps. And the way people in recovery tell it back is not exactly the way it happens. Let me explain what I mean here. I feel like sometimes when you're in recovery, you look back on it and you kind of have this romanticized view of what happened. Here's the typical story that you hear. You hear a story like, well, I finally just hit bottom and I just had enough, and I just decided I was done with it. And then I just walked away from it. And that was it. And if you're going to get clean and sober, that's where you have to be. And you have to be with willing to do anything and everything it takes to make sure you get sober. Now, there's a lot of truth in that, but there's some maybe gray parts of those statements that are a little skewed. And the reason why I really wanted to talk about that, I mean, partly it's because if you're getting this advice, I want you to know maybe, like, there's a little more to the story. It's a little more complicated than that. And secondly part because mostly because I want people to stop giving advice this way and saying it this way. Because when we do this, we're setting up an unrealistic expectation for the person who's trying to get sober or for the family member who's trying to get sober. Now, we don't mean to do that. We're trying to help them, but we forget some of the nuances of those beginning days. And those nuances are important because it makes people trying to get sober or families trying to help someone get sober think that something's wrong or they're not doing it right or they need to do something different. Let's start with that whole willingness concept that willing to do whatever it takes. Well, I don't completely disagree with that. To really get recovery, you really do have to be willing to put recovery first and foremost in your life. And you really do have to get willing to do whatever it takes. But that willingness usually comes along after someone's in the process. Most of the time, it's not like someone's like, okay, I will do whatever you tell me to do. If you tell me to strip naked and run down the street, I'm gonna do it because that's what you told me to do. That's not the way the willingness usually comes. The willingness usually comes, like, in increments. Right? It's like, okay, well, I'll talk to that one counselor you want me to talk to. Right? Like, that's a willingness step. Right. Okay, I'll go back and see that counselor. All right. I might think about going to a meeting. Okay, I'll, you know, read this one book or whatever. And in the end, what does it take? Yes, it takes the willingness to do whatever it takes. But sometimes when we present it to people like that, we think if someone doesn't come out the gate from the get go saying, I'm willing to do anything and everything, I'll do Exactly what you tell me to do. That they're not going to be able to get recovery because they're not willing. There has to be a level of willingness there. But a little bit will. A little bit usually leads to a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more, and eventually you get there with the willingness. And I think that when we. When people remember back on their recovery process, they're like, yeah, I had to do this. I had to change my friends, I had to move houses, I had to change the jobs. I do all this stuff. But probably, I mean, some of you might have, but probably you weren't willing to do that from day one, right? You were willing to take one step, and then you were willing to take the next step, and then you were willing to take the next step. And then once things start to get better and you kind of feel better and you start to believe in this whole sobriety recovery thing, then you really become willing to take whatever steps necessary. But it doesn't come out the gate that way. And that's what I want you to understand. Because a lot of times people say, well, let's see, family members, like, let's say it's a family member trying to help someone get sober. And they'll say, well, you need to do the research. You need to be willing to find what treatment center is going to work for you. You need to make all the phone calls. You need to call the insurance company. I'm like, oh, that's a bad plan. Because, number one, they're already on the fence about whether they want to get sober or not, right? They got a foot over here and a foot over here, right? And if you start putting too many demands and you start saying, well, you gotta be willing, you gotta do this for yourself or whatever. Even if the person really wants it, all the energy it takes in the, like, organization and the stick with itness it takes to do all that, like, line treatment up. It takes like days and weeks, usually, of a lot of difficult phone calls. Even if the person really wants it, they can't hold their life together long enough to do that, right? Even if they are willing. So, you know, meet people where they're at. That's a, that's a saying in recovery that counselors use. Meet people where they're at. If, if the person says, I'm willing to go, then you say, would it help if I came up with some names? Would it help if I called to see if they have an opening? Right. They don't have to Be willing to go the whole hundred miles on day one. In the end, they're going to have to go the whole hundred miles. I'm agree with you. It's just about how do you get people there? If you're, if you're watching this and you're in recovery or you've watched a loved one go from active addiction to into recovery, let me know. Is this how it worked for you? Were you 100% willing from day one? Did you kind of like agree to a little bit and a little bit and a little bit till you got there? Was it more gradual? Because I really want the truth to get out there. Because I'm telling you, sometimes people will show up to counseling, right? And the counselor might make three recommendations and the person might say, well, well, I think I'll do this and I'll do that, but I'm not gonna do that other one. I'm telling you right now. There are some counselors out there that'll just say, well, you just come back see me when you willing, because you're not ready and you're just not even gonna get recovery. And you just, you just go on out there and hit your bottom and, and I'll be here when you, when you get willing and you're ready. That's right. Some counselors will say that to people. Don't get mad. But a lot of times it's the ones in recovery that say that. I'm telling you, the ones in recovery are like, they're the harder ones, I'm telling you. So the willingness thing, the other thing that kind of goes along with that is the hitting bottom thing. The whole concept of they have to hit bottom. And I know what you're thinking. You're watching this and you're like thinking about your own story or your family members recovery story. And you're like, they did hit bottom and then they got better. Probably what happens. They hit bottom a whole bunch of times, right? And something was different about one of those times. The something different isn't. Doesn't necessarily have to be like the worst thing that could possibly happen happened, because that's not usually what gets people clean. What happens is usually people make the decision after something kind of bad happens, but it's after something kind of bad has happened a lot of times. So you don't have to hit bottom. You're probably gonna have to skid along the bottom for a while. And it's not like the worst thing that usually gets you there. It's the realizing that it's not going to work. It's not the worst thing. That's this finally this wake up call. I mean it can be a wake up call, but people get better because they just realize like this just isn't going to work for me. Like this is just going to keep ending badly. That's really what gets people there. Now some people are more stubborn than other people. Some people can endure more pain. They have a higher pain tolerance and they go deeper. And other people, they're like, you know what? This just a little uncomfortable. I don't think I like this. I think I'll step out and they can see it earlier. And so that's why the name of this YouTube channel is put the shovel down. It stands for you hit your bottom when you put your shovel down. And you can decide where that is at any moment, right? Some people decided after near miss. I almost got a dui, right. Didn't have to lose my family, I didn't have to lose my job, I have to lose my kids. Some people decide like, dude, that was a close call. That was stupid. That could have happened to me. I need to, I need to change this up, right? You don't have to hit bottom. You just have to know that you will and you're going to if you don't do something different. Here's another one that I hear all the time. I hear people say and I've actually had clients come tell me this, I know what I need. I just need to get a sponsor that's just a total hard, you know what? Hard a, that's just going to kick my butt and be super direct with me or family members will say you need a person that's going to tell you like it is. And what's interesting is usually the people we tell that to, the ones we're telling like oh, you need somebody that's going to like tell you what's up and somebody that's going to be like really hard on you. Usually we're saying that because that person is hard headed. Guess what? That's the last thing hard headed people need, right? Like that's the worst thing you can do is take a hard headed person and get them a hard headed counselor or a hard headed sponsor. What do you think is going to happen in our minds? Like oh, they're hard headed so we just got to like hit them so hard it just breaks through that hard wall. No, they're hard headed. You got to pair them with a person who knows how to get them to take the wall down which is not going to be being hard headed. It's not going to be a power struggle. It's not going to be a, I know what's right and I know what's better for you. And then this person is just going to miraculously accept that. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that to me, like after they've relapsed. Sometimes I'll say, I know what it is. I just need to have somebody that's just going to call me out more, be harder on me. I don't, I don't think so. Because human nature is to get defensive when people are really coming at us. Now I do think you need help from somebody who can, you know, be honest with you. Right. And who can tell you things that might be kind of hard to hear. But even before that you have to have. In order to be able to tell somebody something like that, to tell somebody something hard, you have to have a rock solid relationship with them. So I can be really direct with my clients, but not until after I've like really built a solid foundation. Just like you can be really upfront with your friend because the relationship is there to handle it. This whole idea that you can just come into somebody's life and tell them what they need to hear and they're just going to do it just like you said or whatever, it's, it's a fallacy. It is not true. So let's, let's reassess that. You know, I know it's kind of an old school thought. In an old school recovery, sometimes the, the thought philosophy was tear you down and then build you back up. And that can work. Like in certain circumstances, like where people are locked up in treatment facilities for months at a time, they don't have any choice, right? It can work because they can't leave. Right? Like they have to deal with it. They have to be broken down and built back up. But if you're dealing with someone who's coming in and out of a counselor's office or in and out of a meeting, guess what's going to happen? They're just not coming back. And now all you've done is made that person have a really bad impression of what recovery is or treatment is, or counseling is, or 12 steps is. Do you see what I mean when I say, like, not only is it bad advice, it doesn't work, but it's harmful. I know these are things that like, seem like it would make sense and on some level seems logical, but it's really just not the whole story. And I think, I think we do a really big disservice by continuing to say these things and give these pieces of advice and have these philosophies. Because in my experience it's just not true. Not, I'm saying I'm sure there's somebody out there who sponsor just kicked their butt and they did. Right? Or whatever. I'm sure there's a person or two, but for the most part, not my experience. They'll just quit going. And not only will they just quit going, they'll just decide that they hate that and that that doesn't ever work for them and they won't try it again. So now you've done some real damage with that. And then another thing that I find that happens when people in recovery try to help other people get sober, which I'm obviously, I'm a fan of. Right. Like that's a great thing. But it's really important to be able to separate your story and your experience from another person's story and their experience. And it's kind of hard to do because addiction looks so similar, you know, like I could be treating a 15 year old and a 50 year old who's addicted to some substance. And I can tell you this is gonna happen then this and this and this. Like it's gonna happen in this lineup and order of things. So it looks like the story is exactly the same. And when it comes to addiction, probably a lot the same. But what's not the same is the recovery process because the way into addiction is the same. The way out of addiction is never the same. It's never the same for any two people because there's so many factors involved, like personality, like how much support a person has, like literally like what kind of attachment issues they have from birth. Right? Like is there ptsd? Is there trauma? Does their family have resources to send them to treatment? I mean, there's just so many factors involved in the whole recovery process that this idea that this the way I did it and this is the way you need to do just doesn't work that way. And, and sometimes when we're trying to help people and we can't separate our experience from their experience, all we're doing is turning them off. And people seek other people in recovery to help them get out of addiction. Because the reason you do that is because you feel like this person's going to understand me. But sometimes it's the last person to understand you because they won't hear you because they can't hear you because they can't see that there could be a difference in your story and their story. Does that make any sense? So if you're listening to this and you're in recovery and you've said some of these things, don't worry about it. I've said some of these things too, right? Like I've thought some of these thoughts. I have. I'm guilty of every single one of these that I've told you. Okay? So this is not like a beat, a beat you up session. This is just a let's really think about it. Is that really the truth? Did we really hit this bottom? Miraculously become willing to do whatever it took, find this hard ass sponsor who just told us everything, what's up, and then we just jumped helping, and then we just got sober and that's what needs to happen to everyone because that's the way the story gets told. Y' all know, that's the way the story is told. That's not the way the story happens. At least not in my experience. Like I'm telling you, I've seen thousands of people do it and it doesn't really happen like that. It usually happens because someone is backed into a corner and they don't have much choice. It usually happens because somebody's agreed to take one little step, but they don't even intend to get sober. They just intend to do one little thing so their family give them some money or get off their back or something, right? I'm cool with that. Like, it happens gradually and it happens when someone gets out of that really scared, fearful place when their walls are all up. And you are not going to get someone to take their walls down and face their fears by being hard on them and coming at them and telling them that, you know, they're just not willing enough or they're not trying hard enough. Doesn't make any sense, right? The harder you beat on someone, the harder they're gonna shield up and not want to hear what you have to say. But for some reason, even though we kind of know that, we forget that, don't we? Right? Like we tell other people, that's, that's the way it is. You know, you can go to meetings and you can hear that over and over. And I'm like, I don't know why people don't remember their stories, right? I've heard people tell the story that I was literally there for all the front days. I'm like, dude, that is not the way that happened. I was there. Like, that's not what went down. You didn't just decide that this was terrible and you were just never going to do it again. And you were so sorry to everyone and you were gonna act right, like it's not what happened. Come on, now. All right, let's see who's here with us. Maybe I'm crazy. If I'm crazy, it's okay. Y' all can tell me that. I was prepared for that when I decided I was going to talk about this topic. Let's see what you guys have to say on it. Y' all are my expert witnesses. All right. Hey, Teresa and Emily. Well, thank you. Emily says my blue looks nice on me. Thank you. Let's see here. Now, I don't know if I'm gonna say this name right. Is it Rashara? Rashara says, my husband says he wants to get we're so bad, but he just can't deal with it. Okay, well, Rashar, that probably means that there's some kind of roadblock. So when he says, I can't deal with it, I wonder what that means. Does it mean, like, I can't get through the withdrawal process? Does it mean, like, I think I will never have fun again and I'm scared that life will just suck without it? Does it mean that I'm scared that it's the only way that will help me manage my anxiety? And I can't go to sleep without it because usually when someone's telling you that, it's like I really want to. But there's this one. One or two things are standing in my way. And if you listen to somebody long enough and you can really kind of hear what they're saying and they trust you, sometimes you can help them figure out how to get around that roadblock or through that roadblocker on the other side of it, whatever. You know, what is it he means or sorry, when he says, I just can't deal with it? What does that mean? Maybe it means I just can't deal with going to them meetings or whatever. Let's find out what the block is. Jenny says I finally figured out how to tune in. Hey, Jenny. I'm glad you're here. And we have Stephen. Hey, Steven. Christy says it's hard figuring out insurance benefits and facilities and counselors that are reputable from an older, more educated mind than an addictive brain. I can't imagine it being their responsibility early on. Let me tell you what I hate doing it. I hate dealing with insurance companies and calling treatment centers and trying to get things on it for it's like literally the least favorite part of the job that I do, and it stresses me out the most. So if. If it stresses me out, my own belief as a professional who works in the field and really kind of understands the options and how insurance works and what levels of care there are. Can you imagine a person that's like either high or withdrawal or suffering figuring all that out? Because especially if someone's trying to like, line up treatment, Treatment, it's one thing to maybe make a counselor appointment to, but a lineup like treatment, it takes like days and days. It's not gonna happen. I mean, I guess it has happened, but don't count on it. Teresa says hit bottom. Where is bottom? Six years, I finally hit it. Oh, someone's at my door. My dog's gonna go crazy. Oh, I apologize in advance, Teresa. I hear what you're saying. It's like, where, where is the bottom? You decide, right? You don't have to wait till bad things happen. You just have to realize that, yep, I got this addiction thing, and if I don't do something, the bad things are going to happen. That's it. You can walk away whenever you're ready. The sooner you do it, the easier it is. Rose says sometimes they say they are thankful for the wake up call or the bottom, even when they didn't choose it. Now, that's true, Rose. They don't usually say that on day one. They usually say that like looking back or after they've got some distance from it and their life is better and they feel better. You know, they're like, you know what? I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but ended up being the best thing. Because people usually do make a change after something happens. But there's this, this concept of what that something should be. As in, like, your whole family won't talk to you, you're living on the street like you've lost everything. Like it just doesn't have to get to that. Stephen says falling and getting back up has been going on for eight years, about six times. You know what, Stephen? It's probably frustrating to you about that falling get back up process, but most people, it takes several tries before they get it long term. In fact, no one really gets on the first time. Sometimes people go to treatment for one time and then they get better. But even those people before they went to treatment, they tried like 450 times all these different things before they went to treatment. The reason I know that is because if they hadn't done that, they could go to treatment all day long. We could tell them everything that's true about addiction and what they need to do, but they're not going believe it. You don't believe it until you've tried it. And you. You know that the other way doesn't work. So one way or the other, it takes people a lot of tries. And if you've done good for two years and you slip up for a week, it's all right. You can get right back on track. You do not have to start all over. I have a whole playlist about dealing with relapse and coming back from that. If you want to see that, Stephen. Because that thinking, that negative thinking sometimes can keep us stuck. You know, we think, I can't do this, or I've already blown it, and those things just aren't true. The time this time is worse and seems to be headed in a bad direction. I mean, I will say that's kind of true. Usually every time is a little worse and it's harder to dig out. Have you ever heard people say sometimes people in recovery will say, yeah, I probably have another drunk in me, but I don't have another recovery. I don't have another get sober in me. Because the whole getting sober process is hard. It's harder. It can be harder every time. Depends on how long it goes on. Rose says it is hard to hear, but you're right. Thankful for you is so true. It's about keeping the relationship. Thank you, Rose. I appreciate that. I'm thankful for you. Hey, Jenny. Oh, Brian. Brian is an expert witness. Brian says it's so true. Everyone's story is different, and their means of recovery will not be exactly the same. We need to find what works for us personally, and that doesn't mean that will work for the next guy. They need to find what helps them. You can't force it. I love it. Brian, you're so right. Everybody has a different way. What you can do in recovery for anyone, no matter what their path is, is you can. You can model for them that it's possible. And you can model for them that life's actually better on this side. Like, the grass is greener over here, right? Because just seeing somebody that's sober and actually happy and loving their life and that can have fun, like, for real, that motivates people to get there. So if you want to talk to somebody about something, talk to them about that, right? And then join them in figuring out how to get there. Because most people, and I say this all the time in counseling Most people that come to counseling, they'll say, what do you think I should do? I'll say, what do you think you should do? And they'll say, I don't know. I said, well, you know what I think most of the time? I mean, sometimes we don't know, but most of the time, we kind of know deep down inside what we need to do and what it's going to take. We're just resisting it. And so then I'll say, is there something down inside that's kind of like a hint or a gut feeling or just something, you know, you need to take care of? It's probably the thing. Most time it's in there. Jackie says, I had to. I had to be set on my boundaries and help my husband make his choice to get clean. And your videos helped me through it. Thank you. Thank you, Jackie. And I really like that you said I had to help him make the choice to get clean. And when Jackie says that, she doesn't mean that she forced him to make the choice, because that's how to not help someone make the choice. But if you can help people take their walls down and see that things can be different. It's always about fear and uncertainty. It's about fear of a draw. It's about fear of what life will be like. It's about fear of what people will think about me. There are a lot of reasons that people get stuck. It's about fear of that they won't be able to manage their anxiety or some other kind of. Or depression or something. There's something that's keeping them stuck. And it's. It's far beyond, like, oh, I just want to be high all the time. Because by the time someone gets pretty far in addiction, it's really not even fun anymore. It's not even about being high. It's about keeping at bay the bad. Right? And it's about being scared that they're going to get it. Donnie says my dog is crazy. Donnie's my husband. He knows. He's the expert witness on that. Hey, Summers. How many of you listening have been told some of these things? How many of you listening have been told that you have to hit bottom? How many of you have been told you have to be willing? How many of you have been told you need somebody that's just going to tell you what's up? Have you been told those things? Because I hear them all the time. I hear my clients tell me that other people have told them that. I hear my clients tell me they tell People that. Right. These are just common accepted beliefs that. That I just really. I just. I just don't believe in completely. Right. Like some. There's always some truth there, but it's not the complete truth. Let's see. Kate Sundays, took me 32 years before hitting my bottom, but I would never have finally left my workaholic husband any day earlier. It takes one day at a time for as long as it takes, right? So Katie saying it, her bottom, she wasn't the. Maybe the addictive one, but she was with someone who's addicted to work. And took her 32 years to realize that. And probably it wasn't h. And probably, Kate. It wasn't after, like, this bad, horrible thing happened, right? Like, it was probably after you just finally came to terms and realized, like, that's not going to change. Right. It's not going to get better. So you decide, I gotta do something else. Right. And sometimes it's the most mundane of things that gets us there. And it's usually kind of like a buildup process. You know, it kind of. We. We think about it for a long time before we get there. And then something happens and we get ready to pull the trigger. Let's see here. Renee says, I've been told I will never understand because I haven't battled drug and alcohol addiction. But when I ask what I can do to. To help, I'm asked just to understand. It seems like a vicious cycle. I hear you, Renee. One of the things I'll say about that, Renee, is, I mean, there's some truth in that, right? Like, if you haven't been through it, you can't. You can't quite understand it. I'm not saying that that's not true. What I am saying is that people hide behind that as a reason to not get better. Right. There's no other illness on the planet that you can have. You. You don't have heart disease and you go to your doctor and you say, you can't help me because you don't understand. Right. Like there is only with addiction. And the reason is with addiction is because when you have an addiction, you're always looking to disqualify somebody else's piece of advice or somebody else's point of view. And it's kind of a way of not listening to someone else. It's a way of disqualifying. So like I said, it's not. Not the truth, but it's not the whole truth either. Stacy says that is what many have told me, but I agree with you. Yeah. I mean, these are just things I hear, like regularly. Emily says, I just finished another video of yours about enabling and empathy and when you said you're taking the bad guy rolls enabling, it blew my mind. That's right. Yeah. That's the enabling. It's not the money and the other stuff. I so appreciate everything you do. Thank you. You really help refresh my heart and make me ready to respond with kindness. Next time, test it with my husband. I love it. Thank you for saying that. That warms up my heart and helps me keep making these videos. Thank you so, so much for everyone who joined us. I am going to put another video up here for you next about other myths and maybe some other things to kind of dispute some of those commonly held beliefs that maybe are leading us in the wrong direction. So I'll link it up for you next. And as always, there is a link. In fact, I think I can post it here in the comments for you. To lots of other addiction recovery resources, there's usually always a link in the description. I'll see you next time.