Manipulation Guide Crash Course PART 2 | 📝 Blueprint For Getting Sober

In this video, we're going to delve deep into the emotional manipulation tactics that happen in addicted families. Specifically, we're going to be talking about the manipulation tactics that family members use against their addicted loved ones or their loved ones in early recovery. Yes, that's right. We are flipping the script. If you've been following this channel, you've probably seen some of my videos on manipulation, and they mostly focus on how the person with the addiction manipulates the family member. If you haven't seen that, then after this video, go back and watch part 1. It's all about that. But the truth is, The manipulation runs both ways. The person with the addiction is driven by desperation and the family member is driven by desperation, which leads to a toxic power struggle for who's in control and who gets their needs met. We're going to be talking about the common ways that manipulation shows up, why it happens, and how to handle it. Along the way, I'll give you some really good examples. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor, And you're watching the YouTube channel, Put the Shovel Down. Our goal is to help people and families overcome addiction before hitting bottom. And over here on this channel, we like to look at things on both sides of the coin. We look at things from the perspective of the family member and from the person who has an addiction because we want to put family systems back together. All right, let's get into our topic, which is all the sneaky little ways that family members Mostly unintentionally try to manipulate their addicted loved ones or their loved ones who are in early recovery. Simon Sinek always says, start with why. So why not apply it to this video too? There are a lot of reasons why family members use manipulation against their addicted loved ones or loved ones in early recovery, but the underlying factor is usually a sense of fear, anxiety, and desperation. It's not necessarily coming from a bad place, even though these behaviors really can be toxic and hurtful. It's usually not coming from an evil or vindictive Now, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it or you have to deal with it. I just want you to understand why it's happening, because when you understand why it's happening, you'll be calmer and more able to respond to the situation strategically instead of just emotionally reacting. Now, sometimes manipulation is a learned behavior, especially if a person grew up in a household that didn't have good boundaries. Sometimes in those situations, in order to survive in the family, You had to do whatever you had to do to get your needs met or to have some autonomy or some privacy. And sometimes in those situations, manipulation is the only way to survive. So it's helpful to remember that usually manipulation is just a defense mechanism. It's an attempt to control a situation, but not necessarily for evil purposes. It's control over your own anxiety and fears. It's an attempt to avoid pain. And guess what? We all want to avoid pain. So the idea of avoiding pain is not bad in and of itself, but sometimes the strategies we use are just not So helpful. And sometimes it's about avoiding accountability. Now, that one is probably a little bit more intentional, but hey, we've all done it, right? We've all tried to shift the conversation, especially when we're backed into a corner. Underneath it all is desperation. Desperation is what is driving this situation. And when addiction invades families and it takes over the whole family system, everybody gets in a desperate situation. We're all just trying to control the situation in our own ways to manage our own anxiety. Now let's move into some common examples of how family members attempt to Guess what? Family members gaslight people too. Yes, I said it. You're capable of gaslighting too. They might deny having past conversations or agreements. Like for example, let's say your loved one agreed to give you some space to manage your own recovery, and they promised they wouldn't try to micromanage or control. Later on when you bring it up, they might say something like, I never said that. You misunderstood me. I'm not trying to micromanage you. I'm not trying to control you. This will leave you questioning your memory and your sanity, and because you're already feeling guilty, You're even more vulnerable. They may try to blame you for things outside of your control. For example, they might say something like, if it weren't for you and your addiction, we wouldn't be in this financial mess, even if the financial problems started long before the addiction. Another common thing they say is, if it weren't for you, our marriage would be fine, even when there were clearly problems in the marriage long before the addictive behavior came along. A lot of times when there is an addiction, all the problems get lumped into that bucket. And I want to remind you, it's not necessarily because they're trying to be mean. It probably feels that way to them at the time. Sometimes it's hard to detach from the current situation and look at it objectively. Your loved one might try to invalidate your feelings. For example, they may say something like, you're just being overly sensitive, or you're just saying that because you're not thinking clearly. You're just being a dry drunk. If you're upset or you're having an emotion or you're having a bad day, they may say something like, that's just your addiction talking, or that's a relapse warning sign. You need to go talk to Amber about that. Guess what? Family members, they twist the narrative too. Yeah, that's right. They can twist things up too. Like for example, if you try to confront your family member for saying something really hurtful to you, they might come back with something like, I only said that because I care about you and I want you to get better. Or, if you weren't so defensive, you'd see that. Or, you're just in denial and you don't want to see the truth, in an attempt to justify the hurtful things that they said or did. Now here comes the biggie. This is the big daddy, the one that is most used. Number 5 is using your past against you. I have rarely ever treated someone who had an addiction, who was in early recovery, who didn't tell me that their family was using their past against them. Even though this This one's really common. It's also really tricky. Like for example, they may say something to you like, you've lied to me so many times before. How do I know you're telling the truth now? You see, there's a little truth in that and they kind of got you cornered because you know you did lie about a whole lot of stuff. So it's kind of understandable that yes, trust does take a while to rebuild, but if they're constantly throwing your mistakes in your face, you end up feeling like you're never going to be able to move forward no matter how much progress you make. Now, another reason why family members bring up your past It's because they're actually looking for some reassurance that you get it, that you understand what happened, that you're not going to do it again, that you're not in denial, that you can take accountability. And it's because they're in this vigilant fear-based state, and it's like they constantly need that reassurance. And one of the ways they're doing that is they're sort of throwing your past up. And sometimes, no matter what you say or how you respond to it, it doesn't make them feel any better. Because if you say something that does make them feel a little bit better, there's a voice in their head that says, don't trust that. They're just trying to manipulate you. So even if they know what you're saying is true and you're trying to be kind and you're trying to understand their feelings, it's like they want to be reassured, but at the same time, they don't want to trust you because they're so afraid of being tricked or manipulated or lied to or missing it. Because no one wants to be the idiot who lets someone else take advantage of them. And it's kind of sad, but family members, they really hold themselves hostage this way. They want you to be They want you to be close. They want you to be reassuring. But when you try to do that, they push you away. They won't believe you because they're scared to actually trust you again. So it's this push-pull dynamic, which is the big reason why the person with the addiction doesn't want to talk about the past, because it always goes badly. And no matter what they say, they can't make it better. So here's a little public service announcement to the family members out there. Sometimes You do need some closure on some things that happened. If that's what you need, then it's very, very important that you be able to have these conversations in a calm, non-accusatory kind of way that will allow your loved one in early recovery to also stay calm, which means they're a lot more likely to be able to give you what you need because they're able to tolerate the conversation better. Of course, everything is not the family member's fault, and to be honest, everyone is a victim here in some way. And I know, and family members, you've been hurt, you've been crushed, your trust has been destroyed. And when we've been hurt or we've been treated badly, we're very likely to act out against someone else. And not only that, but we feel fully justified in doing so. So when we lose our cool and we say negative things, if we go off the rails, it's really easy to just throw it back and say, well, that's because you did all this and this is your fault that I'm crazy. And I'm not saying that there's no truth in that, but I am saying that it's unproductive and it is a manipulative tactic and It is a way to avoid accountability. Now, I've got some other examples of how family members try to manipulate their addicted loved ones or loved ones in early recovery. But before I do that, I have something super exciting to share with you. I want to introduce you to Amber AI. If you've ever been in these types of situations we're describing, like having an argument with someone that goes on and on, when you feel like you're being manipulated, when you feel like situations are being really emotionally charged and you don't know how to communicate what you need or how to deescalate the situation, that's the perfect time. And You wish you could just call me up and talk to me on the phone or text me and find out what to do? Well, now welcome to the future, people. Amber AI can actually do that. Yes, it's like having me in your back pocket where you can open up your phone and send me a text or call me and ask me exactly what to do. If you've ever used any kind of AI before, it works very similar to that. The difference is, is that Amber AI is specifically trained on my philosophies, My techniques and my strategies. And I don't know if you've noticed, and if you've been watching this channel for a while, you've probably noticed a lot of times my techniques and strategies are very, very different from the typical addiction counselor recommendations. If you just go online and search it, or you ask ChatGPT, you're going to get a very generic answer because it's pulling information from pretty much all over the world for the entire history. But when you talk to Amber AI, it really is like being able to open my brain up and say, what would Amber say about this situation? Not only is she going to give you the advice I She's actually going to talk to you the way that I would talk to you. So I don't want to say that it's 100% as good as talking to me in real life, but I gotta admit, in some ways it's actually better because you can talk to me 24/7 anytime you want to. You can have a back and forth conversation. If you're using the same device to talk to Amber AI, she'll remember your conversation from before, so you don't have to start from scratch. She never gets tired. She's not exhausted from talking to 20 people before you. She's going to have enough energy to take the conversation as far as you want to take it, and her explanations tend to be a lot more detailed than my explanations. So what do you do when your loved one is throwing everything in your face and they're acting like a crazy lunatic and they're blaming you because they're acting like a crazy lunatic? The first thing to do to de-escalate any situation is to have empathy, and if possible, use some active listening skills like mirroring. It would be something like saying, oh my goodness, I can see that you're triggered, and I can totally understand why you're triggered because of everything that's happened. in the past. So you need to start with a validating statement like that, okay? And then I want you to say something like, and I really want to help make this better because I know that I'm a big reason why we're in this situation. I want to be able to reassure you. I want to be able to communicate with you, but when things are this heated, I just find that I'm getting defensive and then I just want to yell back, and I know that's going to make it worse. So let's put this conversation on hold and come back to it tonight when we've both had time to really process it. So as you can see, there's an empathetic statement, there's a validation, and then followed by a boundary and also a possible solution. So you're trying to be calm, you're trying to hear the other person, but you're also saying, I can't talk to you when things are so heated. And I specifically want you to use words like when things are so heated, when we're so upset, as opposed to saying something like when you're acting like a crazy lunatic. Don't say that. That's just going to start a fight. Might be true, but it's not helpful. I know you carry a lot of guilt for things that happened in the past and you want to take responsibility for it, but in order to take responsibility for it, you both have to be in a safe place and safe situation. It's the only way for you to build back trust because the truth of it is they don't trust you and you don't trust them, and you both need to get back to a place where you can feel trusting and safe. Even if your loved one is upset, The fact that you can remain calm, the fact that you can stick with a boundary, they may not like it in the moment, but honestly, it's going to make them feel more safe. Because my guess is when you are in your active addiction state, you would just escalate or argue or try to gaslight them back or try to blame them. And if you fall back into that pattern, it's going to make you look even more guilty. So try something different this time. All right. If you're watching this video, And you're a person in early recovery or struggling with addiction, or you're the family member, my guess is I've said something in this video that's ringing a bell with you. Have you ever been in a situation like this? If so, I'd love to hear about it in the comments. What advice would you give to the family member and to the person trying to find recovery? I'll put the links to learn more about Amber AI in the description. It's really cool. I've never been so excited about anything I've created before. This thing is a game changer. You definitely want to check it out.