Survival Guide For Having An Addicted Loved One (2020)

Today you are going to get a survival guide for living and loving, caring about someone who has a drug or alcohol problem. Any kind of an addiction issue. We're going to be specifically talking about how to stop living in fear every day. And not just fear, but the other couple of emotions I think that really are on that roller coaster with you would be guilt and anger. Fear probably is the biggest one. But next is guilt and anger. If you've got a loved one with an addiction, these are the primary emotions that are probably driving your behavior, driving, you know, your feelings and your thoughts, and they're pretty much running the show. Problem is, is that when you're making decisions out of fear, you're probably making the wrong decisions. So it's going to be a good one. This may be one that you want to watch more than once if you're new here. Welcome to Put the shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and I've been working with people with substance use disorders and their families for more than 15 years. I come from a family that is rampant with addiction. I grew up with it, and so I know exactly what it's like to live with addiction, to care about someone who has an addiction. But honestly, it's not the having grown up in it that allows me to help you. What really allows me to help you is the work that I've done. It's all the hundreds and thousands of people struggling with substance use disorders that I've sat in front of because it's allowed me to understand how they think, how they feel, why they think, what they think, why they do what they do. And so it's all of that insider information that I am bringing you, that's what this channel is all about. It's about having sort of an insider who understand what it's like to live with someone with addiction, but also understands what it's like inside the thinking of the person who has the addiction. And when you combine those two things together, then you can get strategic about it. And our goal here is to make sure that you are always five steps ahead of addiction so you can get your life and your loved one back on track. Get back to living the life that you want to live. All right, so let's get into our topic. You know, earlier this week, yesterday, in fact, we have our groups here. They're on Mondays and Wednesdays. And yesterday in our group, we were having this discussion about integrity. And I was talking to the group about what we call, like, I call it like, living in the light because addiction cannot live in the light. Addiction only lives in see, secrecy and darkness. And when you bring everything, I call it like above board, living above board, everything's on above board. Then really there's just no room for addiction. Like it can't grow and thrive in those conditions. And so we were talking about integrity and that led to this whole discussion about how just before we make a bad decision, we justify that in our head somehow. There's some sort of rationalization, justification process that we tell ourselves that gives ourselves permission to make bad decisions. Now that's the way it works for anyone. That's the way it works for me, you, anyone. We all do that. It's just that when you have a substance problem, you find yourself making a lot of bad decisions. So you find yourself doing this process so much that you can literally get so far from the truth, you can get so buried deep in justification, rationalization, self pity, excuses, all that kind of stuff that like, literally you cannot see the truth anymore. You are, you know, you are like in this delusional state. So we were talking about that in our group last night and it led to some really kind of heavy but really good discussions about that. And today I really want to talk to you family members about that same kind of thing. About why you're making the decisions you're making, why you're giving yourself permission to make decisions that you know deep down inside are not good decisions. So that you can live above board. So that you can live in the light too. Because if you get in the light and if you're above board, it's going to be really hard for their addiction to thrive. Hey, Tammy. Hey Kelsey. Thank you guys for joining us. Hey, Weston. Weston is my son. He left me those little smiley faces. Thanks, Weston. Because you know, I like to say addiction is like a parasite. And it doesn't take too long before it literally like consumes everything that the person that has the addiction has. Like, you know, it takes your time, money, energy, resources, self esteem, takes everything you got. And it's like, then it consumes the attic and when it runs out of resources there, it starts to sort of consume on the family. And so if you stop feeding it, it's really hard for it to live. Now I will tell you, sometimes when you stop feeding it, someone else steps in and they start. And that is super frustrating. But you can't control that. What you can control is whether or not you do that. So today is all about taking a hard look at why you're making the decisions that you're making. When you're making decisions out of fear, they are probably wrong decisions. You know, our brain is designed to keep us alive. It is not designed to help us thrive. It's not designed to help us do our best and live our best life. It's just there keeping us alive. And sometimes it. In the effort to keep us alive, it keeps us stuck and not doing the best that we can do. We're just getting through. And you've been doing that for a long time. You've been in survival mode. You've been in survival mode for a long time. And my guess is you're probably getting tired of it. You're probably getting sick of living that way and that you know there's something more out there for you. And the first thing you got to do is quit being held hostage. In order to quit being held hostage, you have to quit making decisions out of fear. So I'm going to give you some examples of those decisions and hang in there because we're also going to make. We're going to have some discussion about making decisions out of guilt and anger as well. And what I'd like to do is, as you're going through this, I'd like for you guys to tell me maybe what's the last decision? You know, looking back, like, you know, in your heart, you're like, I made that decision out of fear. I knew it was the wrong decision, but I was being held hostage by fear and I did it anyway. I made it anyway. So let me know that, because, number one, it's good for you to do that, because if you say it out loud, then you're really acknowledging what's happening there and you're less likely to do it again. It's kind of like with my clients. I'll say when you come in here and tell me that you think about using drugs and that you looked up on your computer how to do it, I'm not as worried that you're going to do it, because if you really want to do it, you wouldn't be telling me you did it. Like, when you say it out loud, it makes it less likely that you're going to. Especially when you say it out loud, like in a. A therapeutic or like a positive, good context kind of way. So let me know in those comments. What have you. What decisions have you made lately that you knew about decisions, and you only did it because you were doing it out of some kind of fear. Was holding you hostage a fear of what? If you did something, it might cause something Else what if you didn't do something? Then something bad could happen. And I'm going to give you some common examples, but I'd love to hear some real life examples from you. Not only will you help yourself doing that, but you'll help some other people. Because when you put it up there, other people are going to be thinking, oh, yeah, did that one, too. I know what that's like. So gotta get my little list out for you. So obviously, let's start with, like, a really common one. A really common one is giving money that you don't want to give. Oh, look at that. Oh, my gosh. I said that right when Joy put it up there. You read my mind. Joy, you're good. You probably typed that right before I said it. Giving money. Because a lot of times you think, if I don't give them money, they're not gonna have electric. If I don't give them money, they're gonna go out and do something crazy to get that money. If I don't do them money give, then they might go get heroin instead of pain pills. Like, there's all these different ways that you're making it okay to give money that you don't want to give. Now, you guys know, the ones of you that follow me, I'm not as crazy huge, like, about the money thing. Like, I don't care if you give them $5 to go to Burger King and get some lunch. Like, I'm not. Other people are like, don't give them a cent. Like, you know, they use dollars on you. Like, that's not my feeling. I don't feel that way at all. What I'm saying is, when you gave money and you didn't want to and you felt like you had to, like, you did it resentfully, you did it angrily in your heart. That means you're making that decision against your will, which is a good indicator that you're making decision out of fear. Think to yourself, how would my life be different if I weren't making all my decisions out of fear? What decisions would I make differently? My guess is it will be a lot of decisions. If you can allow yourself to get out of that fear place in your brain and in your heart. You can get smart about this. You can get strategic. And just like I tell my clients, you beat this thing by being smart, not by being tough. You don't beat this by being a cowboy. You beat this thing by being a chess player. You beat this thing by thinking three moves ahead, what it's going to do and what you're going to do in advance and to get to that front, smart thing for your brain, you got to get out of that fear center, because when you're in it, it runs the show. And another reason I really want you to, you know, focus in on this is because what you're asking your loved one to do is to face their fears. What you're asking them to do is to step out of their emotional center of their brain and get logical about it and to let go of the substance and to step out there and. And faith and know that things will get better. And if you can't do that, then why are you asking them to do that? So I'm asking you to be the bigger person. If you're a family member, I'm asking you to step out on that ledge first. And that means facing your fears. If you can face your fears, you'll feel a little better about, you know, encourage and asking them to face their fears because you know, you've done it, you've been there, they can do it, too. Here's some more examples. Allowing them to treat you badly, like, allowing them to come in, treat you like crap, run over you, be a bully because you don't want to start something. You just are trying to keep the peace all the time, and you don't want things to blow up. Then a lot of times you just let things go. Now, again, those of you that know me, I'm not about starting a fight. I'm not about playing the bad cop. I'm all about playing the good cop. But not to the point that you let someone treat you badly. Okay? Not to the point that you let someone's energy run the entire household. That's not what I mean. You don't just lay down and let everything just happen and treat you badly. Now, I'm not about starting a fight and getting on their side of the street and controlling what they try to do. But I am about standing up for yourself and not letting them act inappropriately, treat you in ways that you know they should not be treating you. Are you making that decision out of fear? If you're deciding, hey, I'm just not gonna fight about this because this is my strategic decision. This is my plans, what am I supposed to do then? Don't. If you're not starting a fight because you're just scared of what the response is and you're just scared to address it, that's a different situation. That's what I mean when I say making decisions out of fear. Thank You, Laura? She gave us the answer. She said she gave her son money. Chloe's in here. Hey, Vicki. Here's another one nagging and threatening. You know you're making that decision out of fear. You think if I don't remind them over and over and over that they gotta go see their probation officer, that they better pay their court fee, that they better, like, turn in their English assignment, they're not gonna do it. And you're so scared. You're so scared they're gonna fail English, you're so scared that they're gonna get in trouble with their probation officer. Lot of times, that very thing that you're trying to keep from happening would be the thing that might get some things moving in the right direction. Sometimes you're being held hostage of fear. You're fearful for their negative natural consequences. And so you keep bailing them out. You keep fixing it because you're scared of what's going to happen. But the problem is they're not scared of what's going to happen. You're so scared, you're literally taking care of all the scare. You're holding it all in your backpack on your back, and they don't have any at all. And the deal is they need to get worried about it, right? And they're not gonna get worried about it till you quit worrying about it because you're handling it for them. So let go of that. Here we go. The next two I'm gonna put together in one. This is a big one. Ready? Spying and tracking. Kind of two things that go together, right? I know you done got some trackers on their phones, on their cars. I know you're looking at that Find my friends app 24. 7 a day. You're spying on them and you're tracking them. And I know you're doing that out of fear because you're afraid if I take my off of it for a woman, that something bad is going to happen. Let me tell you something. Something bad is happening anyway, okay? Like, you're spying on it is not keeping it from happening. In fact, you're spying on it is only continuing to gasoline your fear. So you're literally keeping that fear fire going. When you're doing that, you're making it worse for yourself. You know what's funny is because you guys know I'm the one here at the office that always sees the person with a drug or alcohol problem. They know you're spying. They're not dumb. You know what they're doing? They're spying on you. Spying on them. I can't tell you how many times. It's like, oh, I. I done looked at my husband's phone, and I know, like, he was telling his friends this and tell his friends. I know he's watching me. Like, literally, you're spying on Limb, but they know it, and they're, like, watching you do that. They are. They're five steps ahead of you, and I want you to get five steps ahead of them. I don't want you to worry about what they're doing right now. I want you to think about what's coming next and after that, and I want you planning for that. You need to get ahead of it. Not running after it, trying to chase it and trying to find it. We're gonna get past that. We're gonna get in front of it. Forcing things like schoolwork or, you know, like, you need to call those people that you applied the jobs for. You know, just submit that online application. That's gonna work. And you're like, now, you know, to, like, call and do all these things to make sure these things work out again, that's you being fearful of their natural consequences. If you're making a decision out of fear, it's probably a bad decision. If you're making a decision out of, like, strategy and you thought it through and you know what you're doing, I'm fine. A lot of times, it's the intent behind the decision. It's not even so much what you're doing, but why you're doing it that matters. And that's what I talk to the people that I see all the time about. Why did you do what you do? Because that's what integrity is about. You know, a lot of times we'll say, yeah, like I told, you know, I told my new girlfriend that I had a substance abuse problem. I was in recovery. I'm like, okay, but did you tell them? Tell them? Or did you say something like, yeah, you know, in the past, I drank too much bottle anymore. You know, like, did you really do it? What was the intent there? Or did you just sort of superficially do it? Recovery requires vigilant honesty. Not just about, like, telling the truth to someone else, but vigilant honesty with yourself about why you're doing what you're not just for the person in recovery, but also for the family. And a lot of times the family has to get it first before the person can get it. So, again, asking you to be the big guy. Hey, Meg. Hey, Connie. Guilt. A lot of times, you may be making decisions out of guilt, because maybe you feel guilty. And I guess I might put like, overly empathetic kind of in there with the guilt for this. But you might be feeling bad about something that happened to them and you're like, maybe you're parenting out of guilt or you're, you're, maybe you're allowing a spouse to say and do something horrible because you feel guilty for your kids, like if you got divorced. Hey, Weston. Hey, Laura. So when you're doing that out of guilt, you're like overcompensating for something. Maybe you feel empathetic or you feel bad because they have depression or they have anxiety and you're taking it too easy on them because of that, or you're letting them, them make excuses and rationalizations. You're like, letting them off the hook. You're not allowing them to be responsible for themselves because of some kind of like either guilt that you have or some kind of like over empathy for some kind of situation. Maybe it's not something you feel like you did, but you feel bad that the person has this certain situation. So you're not holding them accountable. You're not doing them any favors. And you're not doing yourself any favors making decisions out of Gil. It's just like a different subcategory of making decisions out of fear. All right, hey, Tammy, I'm going to go back and look at some of these comments in a second. But last big category we're going to cover is anger. Here's some decisions you might be making out of anger, and that is when you are constantly reminding the person of their wrongs. You're constantly throwing it in their face. You're constantly telling them what a crappy father they are. You're constantly telling them that they're never going to be anything. It's just like you're so angry that they won't see it and that they won't acknowledge it. You're just cramming it down their throat. And it's not working. Because I guarantee you, all they are seeing when you're doing that, all they're thinking is what a big jerk ball you are. They are not thinking, oh, man, I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have done that. They're thinking what a terrible person you are. So it's not working. And you know, you're just doing that out of anger. Is it helping? It's not helping. In fact, what helps is for you to tell someone that they're capable and competent and that they can beat this. You know, you kind of have to build people up. I understand why you don't. I understand that, like, they've done some bad things and you want them to feel the pain of that. I get it, but it's not helpful. Eventually we'll get to that. But if they're still using and trying to get them to not use, throwing it in their face, all these bad decisions that they're making, it's not helpful. And you're making that decision out of anger. The other one, which is similar, maybe like a subcategory of that one, is if you're constantly making sure that you don't let them see you happy. It's almost like, no, I don't want you to have the pleasure of thinking that for one second that you're not the cause of the misery here. It's like you literally just won't even let them have a glimpse of, like, maybe the family's okay or that you're happy because it's just. It's just another way of constantly pushing it in their face. Are you making decisions out of anger? Are you making decisions out of fear? Are you making decisions out of guilt? Because if you are, it's not helping. Is probably making things worse. And you have got to get above board. You've got to get authentic. It doesn't mean that you have to hide your feelings. It doesn't mean that you can't say what you think. But you have to be able to do that in a productive, logical way. It is the only way that you're going to beat this thing. It is the only way that you're going to get back control of yourself and of your emotions. Because even regardless of what it does for their addiction, which I promise you, if you'll do what I'm telling you to do, it'll do wonders for that. But even putting that aside, regardless of that, when you're making decisions out of fear, guilt, and anger, you know deep down inside that you're not making right decisions. You're doing things that ultimately you feel guilty about, you feel angry about, you feel bad about, which is causing you to not like yourself. Which is why you get so far in this thing that you can't even recognize yourself anymore, that you're looking in the mirror just like they're looking in the mirror. And you're like, who am I? How did I get on this planet? And what happened? Well, you got on this planet because you've been living held hostage by fear. And after today, we're done with that, right? We're done with it. Let's go back and look at what some of you guys have to say about it. Let's see. I'm gonna scroll up here. Let's see. Laura says that we got confession here. Thank you. Thank you, Laura. I nag and remind him even more than and I not call him out every Friday because he forgets. Just putting it in his face. Thank you. I appreciate that. You know what? I bet you're not the only one. Y' all tell Laura she's not the only one. Vicki says currently scared about upcoming eviction and what I should do. That fear of, like, what's going to happen. Right. See, what else do we got here? Chloe says, I came down hard with my partner while he was in rehab out of fear that things would go back to the way they were. I know things won't go back because I have firm boundaries now. I don't want to try and control the outcome. Hey, congrats, Chloe. You're getting there. I can feel it. I love it. Ashley, I found out. What my found out my husband relapsed after only two weeks out, and right away I snapped at him and told him I wanted nothing to do with him. Right. It's that fear, right? It's that. And I get it, Ashley, because it's like, I'm not going back down there. Like, that was miserable. I am not going. And so you get. You get angry and it's okay to say that. It's okay to say, you know what, dude, I see that you made a mistake. I just want you to know I'm not going down in the pit with you this time. But say it from a place where you mean it. From a place of healthy boundaries, not out of fear, anger, and that kind of thing. Laura says, money man. That's the really common one, Laura, we've all done that. I've done it. I'll confess it. Tammy says, yeah, my son says, quit worrying. Well, you're probably not going to quit worrying. I'm not going to tell you quit worrying. What I am going to tell you, Tammy, is even though you are worrying, I know you're worrying and you're not going to quit. I want you to make decisions strategically and not based on that worry. And eventually you'll become more and more confident in yourself and the worry will go away. I know it doesn't tell anyone any good until you stop worrying. It's pretty invalidating. I know that. Lori says, mom, does Tammy. Oh, Lori's talking to Tammy here. Sorry about that. I'm just interrupting any conversation. Meg says get him on a calendar, go to lunch with a friend and let his probation officer pick him up when he messes up. Oh, Meg, you're the one that has a doggy that looks like my doggie. Let's. Tammy says. Tammy says my son texted F off when he was drunk. Super hurtful. It's the alcohol or am I helping him too much? I don't know the context of that, Tammy, so it's really hard for me to answer. But if he's telling you to back off using those other words, then, hey, maybe you should. Because here's what I tell my clients. Sometime I actually heard this from another client, which I thought was super powerful. And other client said that he got told like in a first rehab that he was at, he said someone told him, he said, you know, you, you push your family away and you just want them to leave you alone and tell them to leave you alone and you tell them to get out of your life and quit bothering you. And you know what? Eventually they do. Man, that's powerful, right? And eventually they tell you that enough and tell you that enough until you do. And then they really realize what they had. And it's so sad. It's sad if people have to let it go that far, but sometimes it does. See? Take one couple more up here. Kelsey says I always feel bad for my husband because his. His children was terrible. Are you saying my. His childhood was terrible? Probably. And I feel like I give him leeway. I also feel bad he doesn't have money in the day to do things right. That's. That guilt. Thank you. That's a great example of guilt. Perfect. You got it. You're getting it, Paula. Paul says I'm finally being open with my significant other in therapy and basically called it quits with me since he's saying that I'm his trigger. I've been nothing but supportive since we have a five month old son. We still have issues to fix and he won't communicate with me and I'm not sure how to go about things. I think what you're saying, Paula, is, is that you're frustrated because even though you've been nothing but supportive and that he still puts you in that bad guy role. And sometimes that happens. Sometimes no matter what you do, they need for you to be the villain. Like they literally need it. And that's what I mean when I say they can be like delusional. They can put justification and rationalization so many on top of each other. That they truly cannot see the truth anymore. And I'm telling you, I see this in my office every day. And even me, I'm still surprised. I'm like, seriously, dude, like you believe that? Like, some of the things that I hear, it's not, it's not even the drugs and alcohol things that they did. That shocks me. That does not shock me. You know, I was drinking a gallon of vodka. Doesn't shock me. The things that they told themselves to make it okay to drink about a gallon of vodka, that's what I'm like, what? You know, that's the shocking part. And no matter how long I've been doing this or how many times I hear it, it's still like, what the heck? It's shocking. Let's see. Christina says I play the old passive aggressive role. I sit back and watch until fear and anger builds up and then I explode and say things I don't mean. Oh, I love it. Christine. Kristen, that is such good insight. Because what Kristin's acknowledging there is like, I don't say it, don't say it, don't say it until I finally do. And I do it in an unproductive way. So that's what I, you know what I'm saying? I'm not saying shove everything inside. You can say it, but you need to say it in a planned out way that you know is actually gonna get hurt. Because what you want is to be heard. So let's figure out how to get you heard. All right, let's see. Take Connie, which is our one last one. Connie says my daughter, who's a single mother of a three year old boy and an infant boy, is back easing meth and other drugs. She quit when she was pregnant but is back on it. She lives with us and is consuming her life all over again. And she just recently admitted to having a problem. No guidance to need guidance to cope. Connie, I think when you're dealing, especially if you're dealing with a child who has children, that is particularly difficult. I know I was in that situation with my sister. And sometimes it's like if you're just thinking about just the person with the addiction, you can get to the point you're like, you know what, you're making the decisions, you're on your own. But when those decisions then affect little kids that you know it's not their fault. I'm telling you, that's another level of held hostage. Just like double bond right there. I don't even know. It's super hard. And there's not an easy answer to that. But what I can tell you is ask yourself, am I making this decision? Because I know in my heart it's the right decision. Am I making this decision out of fear? And if you'll just stop and ask yourself those questions, then you'll get so much more clarity. And when you do so, you're going to be better. You're going to feel better about yourself and chances that your loved one is going to get better or even that even goes out of the water. So do it for yourself. And if it has the byproduct of making them get better, hey, bonus, right? Thank you, guys for joining me. I will see you live next Thursday, and you'll have a new video, a really good one, coming out on Tuesday. See you soon. Bye, everybody.