This Completely AVOIDABLE Mistake Keeps Millions Stuck In Addiction

Overcoming an addiction is obviously extremely hard. There are so many roadblocks and obstacles that get in your way and make it really, really difficult to be an addiction, whether it's for yourself or you're trying to help a family member. But today we're going to talk about the one obstacle that keeps so many people sick. And. And this obstacle is completely unnecessary. This one is completely within your control. And honestly, every single day in my office and the clients I work with, I see this one getting in the way. And there's just. It doesn't have to be that way. So let's talk about it now. That obstacle, the big thing that I see getting in people's way is pride. Letting your pride get in your way of the whole rest of your life is just silly. And I'm going to give you some examples about how I see this happening every single day with people struggling to overcome their addiction and families. I'm not leaving you out either, because I'm going to talk to you about some ways that families let pride get in the way and sabotage the whole recovery process. So let's get into it. If you're new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're what? And you're watching this YouTube channel which is designed to help you understand the science and psychology, because I want you to win this battle. I want you to be able to live the life that you want to live. Now, I can see we have on here live already. We have someone. We have Deborah on here, who says she unfortunately just lost her son sister to this whole awful thing on August 21st. And I'd like to send my condolences to Deborah, and I appreciate it, sending you lots of love and hugs and so sorry for your boss. And I don't know what the circumstances, of course, of Deborah's sister's situation. However, if any of you are out there struggling, or if you have a family member out there struggling, this obstacle doesn't need to be an obstacle for you anymore. Let's take a look at how I see this happening every day. We talk about these. If you get some examples that come to your mind, because. Because I made a list, but I probably left some out. Go ahead and put them up there. Because sometimes we're doing this, we're letting our pride get in our way, and we. We don't even realize we're doing it. And so when you put those examples up there and someone else sees it, it helps them to be like, you know what? I am doing that, or I have done that in the past, I'm not going to do that again. So if you think of something I'm not saying, put it up there. If you can think of. Sometimes when you let it get in your way, even if. Even if it's an example I'm sharing, let us know how that work. You're going to be helping someone else when you do that. All right? The first, and maybe one of the biggest ways I see people at their pride get in the way of their recovery is that they don't want to tell people that they're in recovery. I call this coming out of the recovery closet. They don't want to come out of the recovery closet because they're literally scared of what people will think if they're in recovery. And I know this sounds silly. I've talked about this on other videos, but. But these days, I feel like people feel stigmatized for being sober as much or more than people feel stigmatized for having an addiction. So don't let your pride get in your way, because you don't want to tell people. And you may think, well, it's not their business, as long as I'm sober, I don't need to tell them. But let me tell you how that works out. You get a new job, and you don't tell your workmates that you're sober. And the guys come up and they say, hey, you know, let's go for a drink after. After work today. And the first time, you're like, no, I'm good. You know, I'm tired. I'm gonna go home, or something like that. Well, then they ask you tomorrow and the next day and the next day, and eventually you're gonna say, you know what? I'm gonna go with you having a couple beers. That's not gonna hurt me. And the reason that that's happening is because you didn't say, from the get go, guys, I'd love to, but I'm in recovery. And that probably won't go so well for me, you know, or I'll turn in somebody you don't like. There's a way to handle that, to say it in a way that doesn't have to be the end of the world, doesn't have to be all serious or uncomfortable or weird, but you've got to put it out there. Otherwise, keep asking you. And you know deep down inside in your hearts, a part of the reason why you're not telling them is because, you know, you might want to change your mind and you want Them to keep asking. You don't want to burn your bridge because you might decide one day you want to go. Well, that's the whole problem. And that's what I mean when I say don't let your pride get in the way of your recovery. Another way that I see this happening is not wanting to admit when you're wrong. A lot of times, if you've been having an addiction for a while, you've lived this lifestyle. You've probably. I call it big talk. You probably have some big talk. You probably talked about, like, how people that don't drink or don't do this or don't do that, they're just idiot. They're just, like, lame. You probably were so bought into the culture of it. You had a lot of big talk, and you. You built your whole identity around it. And then somewhere along the way, it stopped working for you, and you decided, wow, this. This isn't what I thought it would be. And you decide you need to make a change. But then you're scared to tell people that maybe you were wrong about your big top. Maybe that didn't work out that way that you wanted it to. That's another example of how. How we let it get in our way. Pride. And it doesn't. It doesn't have to. Another way I see pride getting in the way of people's recovery is they don't want to admit how bad it's become. So it's like their families on their case or something. They're wanting to get sober. They're saying they want to get sober. Maybe even in their heart of hearts, they want to get sober, but they won't fess up and let their family know that they're. That they're going to have to go to detox. You know, they keep trying to do it on their own, but they know they need to go to detox. But they feel embarrassed about it, and they don't want to tell their family that, or they don't want to tell the doctor, or they. I see people show up even at detox or at rehab, and they feel embarrassed about what they've been doing. So they don't tell the whole truth to the medical team, and they don't get the right kind of help that they need. So you're gonna have to put it all out on the table. All of it out on the table. You guys know I say this all the time, but addiction lives in secrecy and darkness, and it literally eats shame. That's what it. That's what it Grows on shame, secrecy, and darkness. And if you want to be this thing, you have to turn the light on it. And letting the pride get in your way is just a way keeping it in the dark. It's a way of letting it grow and live and thrive and survive. You want to do that. Another way I see people letting their pride get in their way is people don't want to do things like ask someone to be their sponsor. And I get that. That's. That's a little awkward. It's still a little uncomfortable. But if you let it, you let that fear, you let that anxiety get the best of you and you. And you don't ask the person that you know maybe is this perfect person and you really want them to your sponsor, but, you know, you're too embarrassed to go up and ask them, or you're too embarrassed to share at a meeting, or you're too embarrassed to, you know, hang out after or go with the group to have coffee after the meeting or something like that. Those are ways sometimes that we. We just let ourselves get in the way of what we know we need to do, and we actually. We just block ourselves from what we could have. And I'm talking about people. These are people that actually want recovery. I'm not talking about people that don't even want it. I'm talking about people that are actually trying. And. But they're. But their pride and their ego still gets in the way, even though they really do want it and they really do want to try. Another way I see this happen is not wanting to admit that you can't do it by yourself. And, you know, you've tried a thousand million times to do it by yourself. You try to 100 different ways, and it's just not working. But you just don't want to own that it's gonna take more than that, or it's. It's. It's gonna take having to go to treatment, or it's gonna take having to be in sober living, or it's, you know, it's gonna take more than you want it to take. It's like you want to get sober, but you don't want to do that. You don't want to have that sacrifice. Don't let those little things be in your way, because I promise you, when you just decide to face it, when you decide to tell people, when you decide to ask for sponsor, actually, what happens is people respond to you very well. You actually, when you do that, you're showing a little bit of vulnerability. And when you show vulnerability. It allows other people to connect to you on a deeper level. And that's. That's the worst thing that's going to happen. The worst thing that's going to happen is people are going to understand you. They're going to connect you on a deeper level. And I tell my clients all the time, my ones that are scared to, like, maybe tell their work friends or tell their other friends that they're in recovery, I say, I know you're not going to believe me, but the worst thing that's ever going to happen to you is then people going to start coming up and telling you about all their problems that could happen. You know, people are gonna walk up and say, well, my brother had this, or, you know, I've been drinking too much. I've been thinking about stopping. People will start disclosing things to you because you've been vulnerable. That's literally about the worst thing that's going to happen to you. I say all the time, the only people that are going to judge you for being sober are people that are actually also in the middle of a. A pretty bad act of addiction. Other than that, people either don't care because they don't think that much about it, or they actually admire and respect you for overcoming the thing and getting out on the other side. So please, people, don't let that get in your way. Now, I've picked on people trying to get in recovery long enough. Let's pick on the family members. Let's keep it. Let's keep it equal and balanced in here. Families. You do this too. I see family. It makes me even. It makes me crazier when I see families do this, because on some level, you can kind of understand where the person in early recovery is coming from. But family, come on now, I gotta stop doing this. The biggest way that I see family members do this is they get so caught up in wanting to prove that they're right. And I understand this on some level, because your loved one's probably been gaslighting you, and they keep telling you they haven't, and you know darn well they have. And you just get all in this power struggle to prove that you knew all along they were doing what they were doing. But when you do that, you're keeping yourself in a power struggle about it, which is actually slowing down your loved one's recovery, and you just get caught up. You're trying to find the evidence, you're trying to prove to them that you know it, and you just get in this battle of wheels about it. Don't do it. I'm telling you, when you do that, you get in the bag, I roll. And you're literally slowing down the process. Now you can't stop it, it's going to go down anyway. But you're really slowing down the process of get. Of the person realizing they have problem and getting. You need to let go of your pride, let go of your need to be right. You know it in your heart. You don't have to prove it. You could. You could take it to court. You could have so much evidence, it's ridiculous. They're still not gonna admit it. So stop. The more you try to get on a minute, the more they're not gonna admit it. And they're really gonna tell you you're crazy. And then that's gonna make you feel like you need to prove yourself even more. Because you're trying now. You're trying to prove they did it and you're not crazy. So I'm telling you, don't get caught up in that cycle. Another way I see family members letting your pride get in the way of recovery for your family is not wanting other people to know. You don't want other people to know that this problem is happening in your family. And I do have empathy for this. I get it. Maybe you feel guilty for it. Maybe you feel embarrassed by it. Maybe you just don't want to talk about other people, so you don't want to put it out there. And I've seen a lot of families, families actually even, like, run interference to make sure no one else finds out. Now, when it comes to, like, talking about it, if it's not you with the addiction, but it's someone else, I really don't encourage you to go talk to everyone on the street about it. I don't encourage you to be announcing it from the rooftops because a couple reasons really, because a lot of people are going to try to give you a bunch of advice, and a lot of it's going to be bad advice. And most of it's just going to make you feel bad, like you're doing something wrong. So spare yourself. Don't do that. And the other reason is because it's going to really embarrass your family member, and then that's going to make them angry with you. But. So I'm not saying you need to go out and shout it from the rooftops. I am saying that the addicted person needs to go outside from the rooftops. But you, the family member, don't. But you don't need to hide it either, right? If they're doing stuff and it's not on you and people find out about it or people know about it, that's on them, right? You don't need to run interference to make sure grandma doesn't find out. You don't need to run interference to make sure their work doesn't find out or their teacher doesn't find out, because that's part of the natural consequences. And you need those natural consequences to get in place for the person to be able to see what's going on. So don't. Don't let the pride stop you. Now, another way I see families doing this is, and I see this a lot with parents is parents get really focused on the wrong things sometimes. I've seen a lot of parents come in and say, well, my son's a senior and I just gotta get him through school. Like, I just can't bear, like, he's got to finish high school or whatever. He's got to pass English or whatever it is. And I'm like, dude, we're dealing with like, a terminal illness here. That's what I'm thinking about. I'm like, dude, your kids got a terminal illness. I don't care about English, and you shouldn't care about English either. And I'm telling you, you, kid needs to come out of high school because high school and recovery don't mix. Just doesn't work. Never seen it mix. And a lot of times, people, families, parents do this. They just can't wrap their head around the thought. And I know it's hard because it's like your whole world's turned upside down. And you have this vision and this plan and this idea for your child that you've poured all your love and energy into. But hanging on to that for too long, it's going to keep you stuck. Happens with college all the time, too, or sports. You know, parents get so caught up in making sure their kid doesn't lose their sports scholarship or that their kid keeps showing up to sports. To sports. I see parents. Another way this kind of comes out. The same thing is, like, the parents know the kids may be like, failing classes or whatever, and so they start harping on them and staying on them and checking the parent portal. Not a fan of the parent portal. Make sure the kid turned in the work and did all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, only thing you're doing here, number one, is making your kid hate you because you're always on the case. Number Two, you're making yourself crazy because you don't want to see that they're not doing their homework and that they didn't save for their test. And in fact, they actually skipped school yesterday. You don't want to see it because it's gonna make it crazy. And thirdly, worst case is you're gonna stay on them enough, just enough, so they are gonna squeak by and pass. And that's the problem, because then they feel like they're managing it because they're like, I'm passing school. I don't know what the problem is. Like, my grades are fine. Like, she's just, like, all uptight about nothing. Even though, you know, the only reason they're passing is because you rode their butt the whole dang time. Right. And if you didn't, they wouldn't be passing school. So you're. You're. You're making a bad relationship with them, and you're giving them the false impression that they got this and that they're managing it when really, if you just took your hands off of it and you weren't harping on them and making sure they got up and got there and making sure they, you know, were ready for their quiz or whatever, things would start falling through the cracks. Yes. But that's kind of what needs to happen for the person to be able to see, wow, like, this is really a problem. So you're just. You're slowing down the process. Family members, when you do this, this is a freight train that's going to go regardless of what you do. Okay? Like, you can do these things. You're not going to stop it from going down, but you can slow down the whole getting better process. That's all you're doing is you're just distracted when we need to sort of get in the zone. Campbell, our. Our parent coach calls it game on, game on zone. So that the person can start to see that, hey, this just isn't working for me anymore. All right? Have you guys ever seen someone or yourself, if you want to admit it, let your pride get in the way of your recovery. Let your ego stop you from doing something that you know you need to do. I just thought of another one. Same parents do this, right? They don't want to show up to parent group because they're afraid other parents in the community town are going to see that they're in there and they really need to go. Or they don't want to send their kid to the treatment center because they're afraid everyone from church gonna. Somebody's gonna see their kid in the treatment center. Like, I'm telling you, if that's the place you need to be, if that's the place your kid needs to be, don't let your pride and ego get in your way, because you're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it, I'm telling you. And it's just a silly thing. There are enough big obstacles to conquer when it comes to this. Like, there's enough hardships. Don't make this one of them, because this one is in your control. All right, let's see what you guys have to say on it. Thank you, everybody who's joining us live. If you're watching us on the replay, we want to hear from you, too. I try to always go back and look at the comments, and I respond to as many of them as I possibly can. Hey, Emma, Glad to see you here. And Terry. Hey, Anthony. I see you. Anthony's watching from Buffalo, New York. And Sue, Buddy's here. Buddy says, why can't it be a private matter? I think I just explained it, Buddy. Hopefully I answered that question for you. Because addiction lives in secrecy and darkness, and if you keep it in the darkness, it's going to keep growing. It's just all there is to it. I was talking to this guy in my office yesterday. He's like a new client of mine, and I really like this guy. He. He's been in this. He's been around the block a bunch of times, and so he's kind of like, to the point. He's like, yeah, like, I'm done with this. I know it's destroying my life. Like, I do not want to do this anymore, like, for real. But he needs to get a job. We're talking about getting a new job. We're talking about some different options, and one environment might be better than the other environment, whatever, like that. And I said, you need to tell your workmates when you get there. He's like, what? I said, because let me tell us. They're gonna say, hey, you want to go do this? Or, you know, you got some butt or you smoke or you do this, and then you're not going to tell them. And then they're gonna ask you every day. And right now you feel like I'm fine. Because that's what he's like, I'm telling you, I'm done. They asked me all they want to, and I don't want it. I said, I know. I believe you. Believe you right now, today. But two weeks from now, when Your girlfriend breaks up with you, or you lose your job or something bad happens and you're really vulnerable, and then they ask you, it's not gonna work then, right? So don't rely on this, like, I'm strong, you know, Like, I can take it. That's another thing. I see people try to be strong. They try to test themselves. They try to, like, put themselves around it, trying to prove themselves. Don't do that. You do not win this. You do not win this war by being a cowboy. You win this war by being smart and strategic. This is a chess game, and you got to understand the next five moves of addiction so that you can get ahead of it. The good thing is, addiction is pretty predictable. And when you get honest with yourself about it, you can. You. Anybody can tell me the next five moves of it, right? And you can get ahead of it. Let's see here. Buddy says one should be able to show self control. I don't believe being in recovery should be what defines you. I think showing self control is knowing what situations you don't need to put yourself in, Buddy. So that means self control means don't put yourself in that situation. Not put yourself in that situation. Then be strong. That's silly. That's a bad move. I don't care what anybody says. How many of you have done that? How many of you watching this video right now have, like, literally said, I'm fine. I've told my friends I'm not using. I can go to that, and I can be strong. How many of you done that? And eventually it gets you. And the addiction is sneaky. Now, you might not even use right there at the thing you went to, but it triggers this craving that could go on for days. And because you put yourself in that situation, you could end up relapsing three days later because you triggered yourself, and it's just been on your mind and eating at you and eating at you until finally you cave. So you may think, see, I was fine. I went to that function, and I didn't drink or use. But it can plant a seed. So be smart. Know what situation to put yourself in and which ones not to. Don't be a cowboy. You're not gonna win this by being a cowboy. I've seen this thing take down the strongest people you've ever seen. You're not gonna win that way. All right. John says, my pride does me in every time I'm with you. I've been there, John. I'm not. I'm preaching. I feel like I'm preaching at you, but I'm not. I'm not out of that mix. I'm in there, too. I've made these mistakes, too. And it's just painful to watch people make these same mistakes over and over. Silly things, just by not wanting to admit something can get in your way like that and can seriously take away everything from you. Deb says pride and shame gets in the way. That's so true. Let's see here. Genuine life recovery with Jody Stevens says, my family is my biggest trigger after 16 years of sobriety. And my hubby with 19 years. It hasn't changed. Great videos. Hey, thank you for the nice, positive feedback and for being honest about what your triggers are. You got to know that you got to be honest with yourself. Sometimes I have people. Reminds me, sometimes people come to my office and I'm like, how you doing? Have you had any bad days? You had any cravings? You. You know, any. Anything really wrong? Sometimes they don't want to tell me. I don't know if it's. They don't want to tell me because I. They think I'll freak out. Like, they think I'll, like, be like, oh, my God, you gotta go treatment because you had a craving or something. Like. Which I wouldn't. But when people tell me, like, man, yesterday I wanted to use the bath, I couldn't even think straight. It doesn't scare me at all when people come in and they tell me something like, I'm fine. I had a handle craving. Like, it's nothing. Like, I got this. I'm never gonna do it again. That's when I really worry, because either you're trying to trick me, which is fine, or you're trying to treat yourself, which is not fine. So you don't have to be tough, Right? Like, you can be vulnerable. You can say, yeah, this is hard for me. Yeah. I don't need to be in a situation. Yeah. When I was around that, I got really upset, and it made me want to use. Being able to admit that to yourself is hugely valuable. And being able to admit it to someone else is even more valuable because it means you're not likely to do it. If you're saying it out loud, you're probably not going to do it. That's what I tell my clients. If you come in here telling me, I'm assuming you don't want to do it because that's why you telling it to me. So it doesn't scare me when people do that. Let's see, we have. I don't know if I can say this name. I'm not even going to try. Y' all can see it on the screen. I can understand not disclosing the recovery to co workers, as they might judge you and treat you differently. I get that fear, but I've never seen it happen. I've never seen somebody get totally ostracized because they were in recovery. If that happens, then you're working with a bunch of addicts because they're really the only ones that are gonna. That are gonna ostracize you because you're saying, hey, you know, I'm in recovery. I'm overcoming this. I understand it's a fear. I get it. But actually, it just brings people closer to you, usually. And not telling it can put you in danger. I'm not saying you gotta tell everybody. You don't just gotta, like, walk down the street or, like, put a on your sweater or whatever. But you. If you're working with people every day, like, if you're in sales and you work with people and you know, everybody, like, goes and takes clients out to the bar or whatever, and that's part of the culture, then you need to tell it, right? Like, because it's gonna get you in trouble. All right. Veronica says, ma', am, people already know. Trust and believe. That's right. Right. They probably already know. You're so right. Let's see here. Renee says, unfortunately, I try to run interference a lot. You know, I appreciate your honesty there. Humility when you say that. See, that's just like when somebody tells me they want to use. That lets me know that you get it and that you're gonna do better. That doesn't scare me at all. So I love it when I hear you guys say, man, I always want to do this. That means you understand you. Jamie says, what happens when you know they are getting wet? What? I'm confused. I don't know exactly what you mean, Jimmy. So if you can clarify, I'll try to. I'll try to respond to that. And you might be responding to somebody else up here in the comments, and I just don't know it. All right, let's see here. We have a lot of you on here. Hey, Pamela. See, Marina says we have tried everything, but we've not left him homeless completely. I understand that, Marina. I don't know if you've seen a lot of my videos. I don't tell families that you have to kick someone out unless they're causing a lot of, like, craziness in your house and they're being abusive and they're like tearing stuff up and they're stealing from me all the time. Like in that case, you really do need to set that boundary. But you don't really have to put people out just to put them out. Sometimes you get to the point where you just can't take anymore. You need to do that. And I don't blame anybody who gets that point. And I always say you're going to know it when you're there, because you're not. Will take it one more second. All right, here. Genuine life recovery says it does bring them closer. When I told people, as you said, they came to me with their problems. Yeah, I'm here. I'm with the genuine recovery. That's all that's going to happen is you're going to be like the new staff counselor and everybody's gonna be calling you. Can you talk to my sister? I mean, it can only get to the point. It might be a little annoying, but that's like about the worst thing that's gonna happen. Let's see. Veronica says, my partner and I are both in recovery. I am very active in AA in the spiritual group. He is white knuckling it. It's crazy that I get to one step him every day. I've caught myself enabling. You know what's interesting, Veronica, is even people in recovery, even people in recovery like yourself who have a loved one who's struggling do all the same things that regular family members do. Because you know what? It's predictable. It just makes you crazy. Maybe even makes you more crazy because you know what's going on. Like you really know. And it makes you even just more upset inside and just drives you crazy because you can't control it or help it sometimes. All right, everybody, if you're relating to any of this, give this video a thumbs up. That helps me. I know I'm on track and it helps Google know to show this video to some more people because I guarantee you somebody out there that needs to see it. Also, there is a link in the description for we have tons of free addiction recovery resources and I made one link so you can get them all right in the same place. So hopefully that's helpful, easy and convenient for you. So check that out. And up next, more videos on exactly how to get and stay sober.