Untangling Addicted Family Dysfunction

Today we are talking about families. And I know that's a really broad subject, but I'm going to hone it in. Don't worry. So families are systems. And systems, regardless of what kind of system it is, function the best when everybody knows how the system works, when it's reliable, when it's consistent, and when everyone sort of knows the rules. When a family system is out of whack for any reason whatsoever, family members do what they can to realign it to offset the problem. Okay, so when a family member is struggling with addiction and all of those cruddy behaviors that are associated with it, the different members do their own sort of dance to fix it and to try to fix their anxiety about what's happening, because the system is out of whack. So this is like when one spouse is hyper focusing on what's going wrong with the child who they just know something's wrong, but they can't quite figure it out, or they think it's drugs, but they're not really sure. So then that one parent gets crazy and the other parent is, like, just trying to offset that by being cool and, like, downplaying it, by bargaining and denying. So children do this constantly. And that's what I'm going to focus on today. So whether we have littler children in the home, and I would say by 5, 6, 7, and 8, these kids know that something is askew. They may not understand the nuances or be able to put words on it, but they know that if dad's an alcoholic, then mom is, like, sad or crazy or unhappy, or they can sense the fighting in the house or they just pick up. They're like little tiny animals. So when little kids figure that out, they. They'll just do it. Exactly. Everyone else in the system will do. Try to fix it. And if they're older children and it's been going on for a little bit, they don't try to fix it so much. But they'll still talk because they don't like this. They don't like what's happening or their world's not how they want it to be. So what we do is we compensate. We cajole, we lecture, we hide. We try to do everything right. Sometimes we even do something wrong to try to shift the focus away from what's going on or become like this, like, entertainer to do the same, to sort of shift the focus away to try to get mom or dad happier, try to compensate to the other children in the system who may be off kilter as well by what's going on? So what happens in this system is like, it's like a mobile, and I've talked about this before, but like that mobile that hangs over a baby's crib. So if all is right in the world, that mobile hangs with the giraffe and the elephant and the kangaroo and the monkey, just hanging normally, right? Just even on balance. But if there's a wind or the baby kicks it, if the mobile gets off balance, then the mobile will just struggle. Okay, so that's sort of the visual I want you to have with this family conversation. Because what happens is there are roles that we take on, and children are really well known for taking on these roles. They will take on the role of either the hero, the mascot, the lost child, or the scapegoat. What I mean by those, the hero. Because I don't like the system and what's happening to it. They will try to be perfect. They will try to get everything right. They will be great in school, cleaning up their room, maybe helping other siblings with homework, Just. Just showing up like Superman because they want to sort of help their parents not have to struggle with anything that they might be doing wrong. The mascot becomes sort of like the class clown. Like, they'll tell funny stories, or they may dance around or sing in crazy voices. And what they're trying to do is fix the mood. They're trying to offset the depression or the sadness or the tension. Whatever's happening in the house, they will try to fix that by becoming the entertainer, the lost child. This is a. This is one I see a lot of. And this child cannot stand what's happening in the house and. Or within the family. So this child is just not around. They may find billions of reasons to stay at school later, join activities, always be at a friend's house, go to a grandmother's house, exit stage left. Because they don't want to be part of the. The ruffle. They just want to be out of the fray, not listen to it, not be part of it, and certainly not be cause for anything that that would go wrong. And then the scapegoat is the kid that's in trouble, right? So this is the kid that everything is, like, being blamed on. Everything's sort of circling around. But I've seen other kids with clients, families, who will sort of try to get attention by being the scapegoat, whether it's to help their sibling or. I have this conversation with a client last night. Like, eventually the kids will figure out if the squeaky wheel is going to get the grease, then by God, I'm going to do some squeaking because I want some attention too. Kids are like, you know, all this attention, all this negative energy, everything's going over to this child who's struggling with addiction. And meanwhile they're like, what am I, like chopped liver? I'm like, going to school, I'm doing really well, I'm on the debate team and I'm not getting anything, but just like, oh, yeah, high five, good job. And all the energy is going to this kid. We actually saw this in our family, weirdly, when my middle child was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. And he sort of got a bunch of attention at the time, like, because I was just trying to figure out how to keep him alive. My husband's trying to research how to cure him. You know, people are bringing treats and gifts and, you know, he was getting a lot of attention. And my older son actually started calling him the golden child. And I remember sitting down saying, dude, if you want to get an insulin pump, I'll get you an insulin pump, but by God, you're going to wear this thing. But he, he acted out. He. He turned. That's where sort of when he started, like, not being the perfect child he had been before then. And I think it was he was taking on the scapegoat role to try to fix the system that it becomes so off kilter because of the diagnosis of type 1. So you can see it in chronic illness, you can see it in other instances, you can even see it in situations of divorce. But it common with addiction. And I always talk to people about their children. Like, I always say, you know, how are your other children doing? Like, are you spending one on one time with them? Are you, you know, gonna take care of them? Because these things are going to happen. We talk a lot about these roles and how to fix them and how to prevent them. In the content of the membership, there's a lot of information about these roles and how to keep your family moving smoothly. So check that out in the membership because I think it'll be super helpful. If you're not a member, there's a reason to be one. So none of these roles, you guys, none of them are sustainable without damage, because what they do is they force our children or the person to behave to an extreme. Even if they're naturally have the tendency to take on some of the characteristics of one of these roles, they're going to go to the extreme because they're trying to fix it, not just be their natural self. So it could be that you have a lost child anyway or just sort of quiet, introverted child and they're going to be really prone to becoming the lost child. But it's, it's too severe. It's so it's not sustainable. Even the hero, no one can be the family hero forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. They just can't. So none of these are sustainable. So in children's someone, you know, living with, someone who's sucking the air out of the room because of their problem, in this case addiction, you're going to see this. The younger kids, they see these day to day interactions. They see mom and dad's mood, they see the, their sibling, you know, acting out, getting in trouble, maybe not being at home, maybe using drugs in the home, maybe having people over, like to bring drugs or sell drugs to. And they're, they're super aware of these day to day interactions. That's primarily running around sort of the circle that's their sibling or it can even be around the parent if the parent is the one struggling with the addiction. They watch all of our time and emotional energy, mood, money, everything not being focused on them and in their minds, like whether they can articulate it or not, we're chained to the addiction. We see this an awful lot. I have several clients right now who have older kids, like college and into their mid-30s and beyond. And those older kids feel the same way, but they, they are, they're madder about it because not only have they probably in the past seen these day to day interactions, but now we're messing up family events, we're messing up weddings, we're messing up holidays, we're messing up vacations, nice trips. We're messing up Thanksgiving, like Thanksgiving is a big day to mess up. So they, the worry, the planning, the strategy, the scheduling, the preventive measures that we, that are in and of themselves problematic, they don't work anyway, you guys. So it doesn't do any good to do this because what's happening is all these other, all these children, whether they're little, tiny or a spouse or your adult children, they're livid because bridal showers and beach trips and all these things are ruined because of addiction and our addiction to the person with the addiction. This leaves these guys, whether it's a spouse or kids, again, especially a spouse, if we're not on the same page, it leaves them feeling minimized and frustrated and resentful and angry. They're angry at us and they are angry at their siblings. Remember, we Love our children. The strongest limbic connection in the world between a mother and a child. Dads are also very limbically connected to their children. And siblings love each other, but they are not as limpically connected. Like they can kind of take us and leave us at certain points. And so they don't feel the same bond and the same need to focus all their energy on their sibling. In fact, they're like we've talked about, like resentful that all your energy is going to the sibling and not enough is coming to them. So they therefore feel less than they can feel unchosen and uncherished. So you got to be super careful of this because that does long term damage. It does. I always say this like, everyone loves a comeback hear a comeback story or a hero. And that's true. And even siblings will come back around, but it takes them longer to come back around. Like it can take them several years versus parents are usually like within a month or so of recovery. Like, oh yay, this is all going to be so good. And siblings are like, yeah, we'll, we'll see. I don't buy this. So be very in tune to that. The way to stop doing this is to stop dancing around the maypole that is your child or your spouse. But 100% with addiction, stop dancing around that may pole. Learn how to be both. And by both, what I mean is how to be the parent or the spouse of an addiction of an addictive person that you love, but also how to be the parent or the spouse to someone who's like, if your spouse is like not on the same page, be that person's spouse. And to your other children who aren't the one, be their parent. Take the time, spend time with them. You kind of got to find a middle. And the middle would be, I love this AA saying of put it down for today. And in my mind, that's a really good maxim for us as the family members, especially the parent or the spouse or partner. Is to put it down for today. I've worried about it. I given it money, I've given it emotional energy. I've given it time. I've driven all around trying to fix the problem. I'm researching whatever it is you're doing that's causing you to divert your, your normal role in the system, delegate time for it and recognize that that's enough. I have other people in the system who need me and I need myself. Like we, I say this all the time. Like, you gotta go toward yourself. You've got to be Able to put it down to live your life. It's out there. I'm not saying it's, you know, pretend it isn't happening at all. And this is what we talk about, and I referred to this in Monday's live. Is in the advanced parenting strategies that are in the membership. We. This is a huge focus of mine. This is a focus of mine. Whether it's addiction or whether you have children who are growing up and leaving the nest is for us to maintain some semblance of happiness. And the most happiness we can get is we got to go toward ourselves. We got to spend time with our friends. We have to spend time charging our battery. We have to spend time doing the hobbies that we used to love and haven't done in a while because addiction just doesn't let us, because we're just dancing around the maypole of it constantly. You cannot give it all to addiction, guys. I promise you. Addiction is like lava. It won't stop. It will take it all. It will not stop like lava until it hits the water, the sea. And you can't do that. It'll take your. It'll take all your relationships with your other children. It'll take your marriage. It will take your friendships. It will take your money. It will take your job. It will. It will take everything you have if you are willing to give it to it. So I cannot encourage you enough to get into this membership and get into this parenting stuff and spouse stuff and really work on yourself and how to not exclusively date addiction, but speed date other people in the family, but to the point where they don't know you're speed dating them. Okay? Spend a lot of time in there. Spend a lot of time in that membership. There's a ton of content, you guys. There's so much time. And if you. And if you. If you can't get what you need out of the membership, then absolutely call one of us. We'll be happy to walk you through more of it or go into detail or certainly specifics that would apply to your family. This is one of the main reasons we call this Hope for Families is we have to look at every single person in the family and how they are negotiating this dance with addiction. Because the children, the spouses, the parents, the grandparents, everybody is trying their best to fit into the system, to fix the system, and to. To navigate their own role in it. And we don't want it to become unhealthy. So that's what I wanted to talk about today. So hopefully that was helpful to all of you, because everybody hopefully has a spouse or a partner or little children or adult children. They can sort of apply this, too. So let me see if there are any questions, and if not, we'll just wrap this bad boy up and call it a day. No questions. Okay. All right. Oops. Sweet. Not yet. Oh, yeah, that's from Bri. Okay, so I'm going to wrap this up just because we've seen a lot of us this week and no point in belaboring it. And I also know that Kim is getting ready to jump on our group coaching call for the membership, so some of you are going to probably divert over to that as well. So hopefully this was helpful. And I can't wait to see you guys again. I'll be jumping on. Whoops. There's somebody I'll be jumping on with Amber tomorrow for tomorrow's live as well. All right, so this person says, I need to not speak to the addicted son at all because I'm too much of a doormat otherwise. I know cold turkey is mean. My younger son thinks I'm cruel, but I can't hold boundaries. Well, you know what I would work on in that. That's like, that's fair to know about yourself, but I would work on boundaries. I would work on understanding what boundaries are. You only need to have one or two. You don't need to have 50 million and sort of figure out what are your important boundaries, which are the ones that matter the most to you. Let the rest of them go so that you. You don't have to be a doormat on too many topics, then you. You can sort of. Then if. As long as my boundaries aren't being crossed, I can engage with you without feeling like a doormat and without feeling walked on and without being kind of nasty and pissy. And as you're a younger child is saying cruel. I'm sure you're not being cruel. You're just probably rigid and holding lines that the younger child wishes you weren't. And maybe you're doing it in a. In a tone in a way that he wishes you weren't. But I get it, man. I have been there. And it's really hard to be Pollyanna all the time. It is. It is really hard to use a nice tone of voice or nice words sometimes. So I get that. But just try to identify. If you can get one or two huge boundaries, then let the rest go. And don't focus on that and just try to engage where you can. I don't care if you talk about the coffee table, try to say at least one nice thing. Kelly, you're right. It is hard to know when you're helping versus enabling, but I'll give you a really, really simple, basic tool. It's visual. If they are out in front and you are behind. Is that right? Yeah, that looks right. If they're out front and you're behind and they are. They are asking you for help, that's help. If conversely, and this is what we see a ton of you are out in front and you are dragging them or forcing them or cajoling them or begging them, that is enabling. Okay? So that's the big difference. Are you doing the work? Are you the one setting things up? If. If Bree said to me, boy, I'm probably going to be really hungry around 12:30, which is when we eat lunch. And I, like, started, like, pulling up online menus and. And finding an Uber Eats and like, bringing my laptop up to her saying, here are 45 places where you can get food and these two places will do Uber Eats. And I've already put my credit card in there. That's enabling, right? She didn't say anything to make me do that. She just said, I'm probably going to be really hungry, which is duh, of course. So it's lunch time. But if she said, like we say to her, I am slammed. I do not forgot my lunch. I'm super slammed today. Is there any way you can help me, like, pick up a public sub or maybe we could order a pizza. Is there any way you could help me? Then she's helping. So do you hear the difference in that one is she's taking the reins and running and it could be appreciated, but probably not going to be appreciated. And also, even if it were appreciated, not to the level of the work that she's put in it, and that's also more importantly, enabling keeps you dancing around addiction, okay? It keeps you not going towards yourself. You not living your life because you're out there trying to live theirs. And you're trying. You're out there trying to fix their problems and you're out there running rough shot on that. I call that snow plowing. A lot of times is you're so busy snow plowing that you don't even see that there's a kid standing behind you with a little tiny shovel that was really trying to do something. So know that difference. I hope that visual helped. No, Donnie, I'm not saying I want food. I just had a great lunch. All right, Lucy, how do you talk to kids about this, about the shame they feel about an alcoholic parent. Oh, big question. I think it helps to. To mitigate the shame a little bit if people. Kids in this case understand the disease, the science behind it. And that it's not that their dad or parent is not nice or kind or lovely or smart or moral or nice again, but it's that this is a disease, and it's not that they don't matter or that they're not enough or that they needed to be. Do a better job for their parent to not drink. Is that if I help. Sit. Sit down with kids and I explain the science behind it, they usually go, oh, okay, well, that makes sense. So you really can't help it. I'm like, no, you really can't help it. At this point, like, event, initially it was a choice, but at this point, it's a disease. I think that helps a lot. And then also don't pile on shame. And when there's great, good, five minutes, one minute, 30 seconds, note it, enjoy it, cherish it, and use that as sort of your battery charger for when it's the opposite of that. So that. That sort of can help offset that. Is that dad's not. Or dad or mom. Oh, I keep picking on poor dad here, but dad or mom is not 360 degrees of addiction and alcoholism, and dad is not 360 degrees of. Not the parent I want. Dad might be 180 of that, he might be 40 of that, he might be 350. But there's some where we can see that, or we can give him credit, or we can note that. And that that's a tricky seesaw for us as the spouse to navigate. Is that. And that's got to be us not harping on it, focusing on it, dancing around on it, and. And bringing that overall black cloud onto everything consistent in our home. So hopefully that helped. Hey, sir, I'm. I guess the news is that when lava hits the water, it forms rock. Yeah, I guess that's a good way to look at it, but you know how we feel about rock bottom. So I don't really want the lava to hit the water, even though you're right that that's usually what does happen, but trying to. Trying to avoid that if possible. All right, this is from a Lady Campbell. I am not allowing my daughter to drive her car for a month until she can stain her job for a month and pay the car insurance. However, her to work, I'm taking to work. Am I enabling? Oh, that's a Tough one. Yeah. I usually don't like to fix the problem if you're going to create a problem. So in this case, what I mean is, if she can't drive the car because she can't afford the car insurance, then she needs to figure out how to get to work on her own. Because now you've just sort of taken her problem and you've put it in your pocket, which is not keeping you out of the addiction. Maple Dance. So if you really, like, if she's got a job and you feel confident she can pay you back, maybe I would pay the car insurance and let her drive the car so that you're not in that negative cycle. If you're afraid she's not going to keep the job or she's not going to pay you, then you can just simply say, hey, can't drive the car because you don't have the money for the car insurance. But I'm sure you'll have that at the end of the month. And hopefully you can get a ride to and from, or you can ride a bike or, you know, there's always Uber or lift. I. I wouldn't fix the problem at all. I don't believe in that. All right, Steph. My kids connected with the idea of his mind being taken over by an alien. Dad's still in there, but the alien we are talking to most of the time. Yeah. Sometimes I think that's like a good metaphor. She goes on to say, of course, the alien analogy was after talking a lot about everybody responsible for their own decisions and actions. Yeah. I think the alien or the disease, like, it's just, again, that sort of circles back to, there's going to be parts of my parent or spouse in this case that I don't enjoy because that part is associated with the addiction. But there's going to be parts that I can still see and can enjoy. And even if they're brief or. Or short, then I can separate the alien in this case from my parent and. And recognize that there's the. There's the two things I always say. There's, like with addiction, there's a devil on the shoulder, and then there's a taller devil on this shoulder. So there's very little angel action with addiction, but there is some self that will insert itself, even with the devil thing. You can get glimpses of themselves. And the addiction is very clever. Right. When it knows everybody in world, everybody in the system in this case is getting tired of it and getting ready to put down boundaries or walk away or Be done with it. It should. It starts to show you just enough of their charming old self, Just enough of their who they really are. Their sweet little boy, their charming little girl, their fun big dad, their fabulous mom, whatever. It shows enough. Because then what it wants us to do, and we do it all the time. I did it myself three or four times. And is we say, oh, there they are. I might be crazy. I must be wrong. Things are getting better and we take our guard down and the disease just goes out and continues to progress on its merry little way. But it's gotten a little bit of reprieve. And that's because it showed us that sweet self. But don't deny it. Don't not enjoy it. Don't notice. Let it count for everything in the world, because there. It's real. It's there. It's not a manipulation or it's not an overt manipulation. And so I. I enjoy it. I had several of those where I was like, okay, well, I got taken for a ride, but that was still a nice memory. And I'm. I'm gonna let it count. I'm gonna store it. All right. I'm always trying to keep my boundaries with my brother, but I fail all the time. Sometimes I feel that I am the addicted one and not him. Yeah, probably because you're dancing around the maple of your brother. It's really. You know, adult siblings are really tricky to. To deal with in this case, because you don't really have that much cloud or power over them. I think it's important. And what. What's important to take out of this is that if you feel like that, then you need to take a break. You need to stop enabling, maybe stop focusing on it. Go towards yourself, Step away from it. Take a break, Go out with friends, Take a class, go on a trip. Dedicate yourself to finishing a great book over the weekend. Do something so that you. You don't feel like that, because that's not healthy for you, nor is it healthy for them. So. And nor is it doing any good. So I'm glad you were able to recognize that, but I would highly encourage you to. To address that and redirect yourself. All right, we got one more before I got to jump on my 1:30. Pick a good one. All right. My husband has fixed the house and says he will move out so the kids and I can move home. Now he says there's no reason for us to stay away except for trying to control him. Suggestions on a response? Well, maybe I would do a trial run. Up there. I know it's a long drive. I know this person trial run up there to see if the house is fixed because last time we talked there was a boatload to be done. And then I would, I would wait for him to actually have moved out and not be capable of coming back in. As in not have a key. You change the locks, something so that you, when you, if you do decide to do that, it's a fait accompli. This sounds to me like the promise. This sounds like the lure. This sounds like the, the bargain. I've done this and I will if you. And I don't trust that. So it's kind of like what we talked about yesterday, but a little bit bigger. So same thing. All right. My husband moved out last Friday and my 10 year old is hurting, but keeping everything bottled up so heartbroken. He loves the beer more than us. It feels like he loves the beer more than you. It's. It always feels really personal. You guys, I totally get it. It's. The brain believes that he needs the beer in order to live. That, that survival part of the brain is running the show. And those neuroreceptors believe they need to be filled and in order to live. And they can be filled in this case by the beer, not by watching TV show with my child or making lasagna or planning a family trip, which is how healthy brains respond to, to dopamine. So I think I would try to explain to your 10 year old. 10 year olds are old enough to get this. If you use the right words and then you don't have to use like baby language, but and sort of just explain this is a disease and sort of how it gets going. There's. There, I think there's a video I put out there for children. I could be wrong. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll make one. But I think you just have to address it with the child so the child doesn't feel exactly like some of those things I talked about earlier, like unchosen and uncherished. So hopefully, hopefully that will help. I hate that for you and I hate that for your child. All right, guys, thank you so much. This has been a whirlwind of a week. I encourage you. Today is Wednesday. You have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to join the membership and get the three great freebies that are coming along with that. There's a font of information, good content, some fun videos and lots of good content. So I highly encourage you to do that and take advantage of these calls or the live calls that Kim is ready to do every Wednesday from 1:30 to 2:30. All right, thanks a lot. Have a great afternoon and hopefully see some of you guys tomorrow. All right, bye.