Amber Hollingsworth traces codependency from Melanie Beattie's book Codependent No More to today's muddled uses of the term. The original meaning: a family member becomes dependent on someone with addiction. She argues fear, guilt, and attachment trauma drive these patterns, and that codependency itself works like an addiction, sustained by moments when the person seems present.
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Now probably already know that I just don't love the word codependency. But lately I've got a lot of requests to talk about codependency. So I think it's a topic worth exploring, which is why in this video we're going to talk about all the different reasons why a person might be struggling with codependency. What does it mean, and how to get out of it. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this is Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed to keep you five steps ahead of addiction by helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction, which is going to allow you to make strategic decisions instead of emotional decisions about how to deal with this issue. Hey, if that sounds like something you might be interested in, then consider subscribing. Alright, back to our topic. One of the reasons why I really dislike this word codependency is because it just doesn't have a lot of clarity around it. And whenever anyone says it, I think we all have a slightly different thought about what that means. So I feel like maybe one of the ways that I can be most helpful is let's put a little clarity and definition and explanation around this word. Now, the whole term codependency started to become popular some years back when Melanie Beatty wrote a book called Codependent no More. And it's still considered like the classic textbook for dealing codependency. I will put the link in the description for you. Now, what it was intended to mean is if you have a relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, that person, the personal drug or alcohol problem, is dependent on the substance. And then the family member, loved one friend, or whoever the person is, gets dependent on the person who has the substance problem. And so essentially both people then become dependent on the addiction. So now we have codependent. Now, when it comes to that explanation of the term, I think I can probably go for that. I can follow that line of thinking. But the waters get a little murky from there. Because a lot of people use the term codependent to mean like someone who constantly needs someone else's approval. Or they say it to mean someone who has this obsessive need to take care of someone else to get their own needs method. Now, I'm not saying those aren't things. Yeah, those are things. But that's not always the reason why someone ends up in a codependent dynamic with someone that they care about. There are some other reasons why that could happen. It's not always a pathological need to be liked or to take care of. Another reason why you might find yourself stuck in a codependent relationship is because you're being controlled by fear. Fear. Fear of if you don't stay in control of the situation or keep helping the situation, that something really bad is going to happen. Maybe you're scared something really bad is going to happen to that person and you'll lose them. Maybe you're scared that this is the parent of your child and if you don't try to keep them together, then your children lose their parent. In fact, I think fear probably really is the primary reason for codependency. And I think it's kind of unfortunate that people struggling with codependency kind of get thrown into this. Well, you must just need to be needed. That's not exactly what's going on here in most cases. Another reason why you could be stuck in a codependent relationship is because of guilt. Maybe you feel really guilty. Maybe you struggle with feeling guilty if you don't help someone. Or it's really hard for you to let someone do without. So that guilt keeps you stuck and sucked into it. For example, I've had family members struggle with addiction. Most of you know that. And at times, let's say a family member struggled with addiction, couldn't pay their electric bill, and let's say this family member had young children, that it would be really, really hard for me not to pay their electric bill for them. And let me tell you, it didn't have anything to do with my need to be needed. That was definitely not it. It had more to do with the fact I would feel really, really guilty if there were young children living in this house without electricity. I'd feel terrible about that. So please know that just because someone struggles with codependency doesn't mean that they have this big, giant need to be needed. I mean, a lot of people out there, really, it's almost like they talk about codependency like it's some kind of Munchausens by proxy. Like the family member or loved one purposefully keeps the person sick because somehow it gets their needs met. Now, I will agree that sometimes family members contribute to helping someone stay sick, but they're not doing it purposefully, as in like Munchausens, right? They're stuck in the cycle and they're just going around the hamster wheel with the person, but they're not usually purposefully trying to keep their loved one stuck. Now, recently, I heard someone describe codependency as an attachment trauma. And I really like that explanation. So it's like I have this attached, secure relationship with this person. All of a sudden, they develop some kind of addiction, and then that attachment is sort of abruptly broken, and the person can't really make sense of it. Right. Especially when you're dealing with a. With somebody who has a substance abuse problem. Right. Because it's like sometimes it's like they're their real self and they're there, and you see them and you feel connected and it's working. And then other times they're not. And it's the fact that sometimes they are there and it is working, and it feels like, oh, that's their sales, or they're getting better, or you start to get hope. For some reason, that is what keeps you in your addiction cycle with the person. So, yes, codependency is an addiction in and of itself. It's an addiction to the person. In fact, it follows the exact same patterns of other things that are addictive. You know, what makes something the most addictive is when that something gives intermittent positive reinforcement. So it's not even like it works every time. It works sometimes, and you don't even know when it's gonna work. Just like the drug. Think about the person who uses the drugs. Like, sometimes they drink and it works fine. Other times they drink and it's not fun, and it's a terrible nightmare. But it's that intermittent positive reinforcement that keeps them going back. It's kind of like, if I could just do it like this, if I could just keep it to this. And they keep bargaining with themselves trying to make that work. That is the exact same thing that happens with the family member, only they keep trying to go back to the idea that this relationship is going to work or that this person's going to conquer that problem, or you know, that they're going to get better, they're hopeful, and it keeps you sucked into it because sometimes it is better and other times it's not. And you keep feeling like, if I could just hang on to them like this. And you keep trying to figure out the magic combination, formula, ways of behaving or interacting with them that's going to make them stay their regular, normal selves and get rid of the addictive behavior. As you can see, it's like two hamsters stuck on a hamster wheel, One behind the other, both getting nowhere. How would you define codependency? What does the word mean to you when I say that word? What comes to your head? Now, the perfect next topic to go with this topic is helping versus Enabling. So I've put that video right up here for you so you can watch it next.
