What Really Causes Addiction Relapse?

The psychology of the relapse process is actually not nearly as complicated as most people make it out to be. If you or a loved one has ever been in a situation where, you know, they've been doing good, they've been sober, they've been in a recovery program for a good minute, and then relapse happens, the natural question to ask is, what happened? What caused you to relapse? It's the first question the family ask. It's the first question the counselor asked, is the first question the person asked themselves. What the heck happened? What caused this? And it's such a big frustration, and it's such a letdown and a disappointment to the person, to everybody, honestly, that sometimes we just look for these, like, giant, deep answers because we want to be able to explain it. Not so much that it's like, I'm lying about it, but more just, like, trying to make sense of it. And sometimes people reach way down deep in there and they look for, like, big, giant things, when, honestly, it's just a little bit simpler than that. Sometimes people just make it too complicated. So today I want to explain to you how a relapse happens. It's actually not an event. It's a process. It's sort of a formula. There's some factors involved, but once you understand how that formula works, like A plus B equals C, which is exactly how this works, you're gonna. You're gonna be, number one, better able to protect yourself from it, better able to understand what happened. And in the event that it does happen, which we really hope it doesn't, we're able to get the door closed on it faster. Damage control. That's what I call it. So most people think that it must be some giant, huge trigger that causes someone to relapse. Like, it could be an external trigger, like being around other people that are doing whatever it is, drinking, using, engaging in whatever addictive behavior. It could be an emotional trigger, like a breakup or like, a big, giant job stress problem or maybe even lost your job or a family issue or something like that. So you have these, like, external reminders and things like that. And then you have these internal triggers, which are usually, like, emotions and thoughts and stuff like that. Most people think it's. It's the emotions or the external things that cause people to relapse, but that's really not it. Honestly, those things can make somebody, like, think about it more. Those things can maybe turn the volume up on those addiction monster mouths in your head, make them talk to you a little bit louder. More frequently. I'm not saying it has no bearing on it. I'm just saying that's not what really causes it. Because you see there's actually. When someone is actually working any kind of recovery program or just trying really hard, like really doing the recovery thing, there's this psychological gate that they have on being able to keep that closed. Because you've ever noticed, like some people say, well, it may be even the same person. It's like I was in this high risk situation. Everybody was using, drinking, doing whatever, and it didn't even bother me and I didn't even think about relapsing. But then I, I just like was eating lunch and saw someone order a beer and then that made me relapse. Why? Why could like one thing cause it and one thing not for the same person? Or maybe it's just different for different people. That's because the gate. And so what I want to focus on today is it's not so much the triggers. Yes, the triggers are important. And all I'm going to say on that is do your very best to minimize your triggers. I mean, for gosh sakes, don't make it hard on yourself. Don't be a cowboy. Like don't do the like testing thing like some people do. Like don't go stand in the and see if you can stand in there for three hours and not have a craving. That's just ridiculous. Like why would you make it hard on yourself? Like that doesn't make any sense. So you do want to reduce that as much as possible. But what I really want you to focus on is your gate locking mechanism. Because even if you experience those triggers, even if life gets stressful, even if bad crap happens, if you're, if your gate latches good, you're gonna hold. It's kind of like that no fail safety net process is going to keep you out of that relapse. And what that gate latch is, it's a psychological thought process because it's really not those triggers causing you to relapse. What happens is you may have a trigger that may make you want to, I'll give you that. But you have to give yourself permission to. Once you're, once you're like sober, when you're in the active addiction and you're just literally like using all the time, that's just happening on autopilot. Like it just happens so fast. You don't even have all this all process going on. But once you've like really had recovery, like you're doing good, then You, You've worked really hard. You practiced all these skills, you've built these supports, you've done all these things. And so your. Your walls and your barriers against relapse are just stronger. And it's going to take a lot to bust through those barriers and those walls, those commitments you've made, because you've done all the things. You watch all the Amber videos, you set up that accountability, you've done all the things. Super proud of you. So in order for that addiction to get through, you're going to have to open a door to it. This is what. This is what lets it happen. And if you guys are. If anybody's watching, I see you on here, Anthony. If any of you, Anthony, or anybody's watching, and you have any experience with this, like, haven't had a relapse or something, or having any sober time and then falling back, you guys jump in the chat and talk to me and tell me. You can say, amber, you crazy. You're not right? Or you can say, that's exactly right, and tell us what happened to you. But you got to open that gate. So I want to talk about how. How do we open that gate? Because it's really some little thought processes. Basically. You got to give yourself permission, right? It's. If you think of it, it's like there's like a guard at the gate, relapse gate. And it's like, if you think about those, like, English guards, where they're like, they don't show any emotion and stuff, and they're super serious, you gotta, like, convince that guard to let you in. And so it's this. Sometimes I call it monster mouth, sometimes I call it the committee. And there's this conversation that happens. And a lot of times this conversation can start happening weeks, days, long before the relapse happens. It's like, starting to work on that gate latch, just wearing it down, Wearing it down. And eventually, if that conversation has been happening and these thoughts have been going on, I call them relapse warning signs. And then the trigger hits. Now we do have a bad combination. And it probably feels at the moment like, oh, it was the trigger. It was the stress, it was the breakup, it was the whatever. But that's not it. It was all the working on, like, allowing the possibility of the relapse to happen. It's all that gate stuff that's really letting it happen. So let's take a look at some of the ways that the committee, the monster mouths, talk us in to making a bad decision. Okay, These are If you want to go old school, you want to call them relapse warning signs. These are definitely relapse warning signs. When I hear people make these kind of statements, because a lot of times they'll actually say these things out loud. So if you're having these thoughts or if you're. If you're trying to support someone else and you're. And you're hearing these thoughts or you're detecting these thoughts, I'm not saying if you're. If you're hearing, I'm a detective, I'm not telling you to jump. I've got other videos on what to do. Okay. If you hear this as a family member, I just want you to know what they are so that they're on your radar, particularly if you are trying to keep your own recovery solid. So one of the thoughts that I hear pretty frequently is, this is just way too hard. I thought it was going to get better by now. It's just not even getting better. A lot of times that's not even really true. A lot of the times people start convincing themselves of that. It's like this preemptive, set the stage. Start convincing myself early for the relapse thing. Because sometimes I challenge people because they'll say, well, it's not even getting better. Just so hard. You told me it would be easier by now. And I say, hold on, hold on. Let's. Let's talk about this. You actually, when I first started talking to you, you were, like, triggered and craving, and it was really hard, and you were thinking about it like, 30 times a day, and now you're still having some of that, but it's like once or twice a week, and they'll be like, well, I guess you're right. So it's like. So is it really not getting easier? It's like your addiction starts to disqualify all the good things that are happening and makes you, like, laser focus in on the bad things. Because the con here is, is that it's not even worth it. Like, it's not getting easier. They said it would get better, and it's not. And your life's just worse, and it's just hard, and it's just always going to be hard, and you might as well give up. Do you hear the little con monster mouth talking to you? Because that's what it sounds like. It's some version of that. And I hear people tell me this in session, and what I know is happening when I hear this is, oh, you set me up. It's coming because you're thinking about using and you're trying to figure out, to justify it. The second one, the second little thought psychological process that you start to hear is, well, yeah, like, I'm an addict or I'm alcoholic or I'm a whatever, but I'm not that bad. I mean, I lose my job. I mean, I'm still married. I mean, like, I didn't, like, pawn all my stuff. And so. So it's like this person. So this is the way I hear it in session. It's like the person is like, oh, yeah, I'm working this recovery program. I really gotta be sober. Like, they're saying all the right things on one hand, but then you. You hear or you think these little thoughts come in about how it's really not that bad. They're these little minimizing thoughts. I don't know if any of you guys saw my newest release video, the one that came out on Tuesday, because in that video was actually a reaction video to this other YouTuber who. His name is Dr. Deloney. He makes YouTube videos, and these people call in and he talks them through the problems. I like him. He's good. He's really good. Relationship advice. Anyways, he had this caller on who was talking about, like, how his wife, like, moved out because he had this relapse. And on one hand, he's all talking about, like, I was going to aa, I was doing everything, I went to detox, blah, blah, blah, blah. He was saying all this stuff. But then if you listen closely, go back and listen to that video. If you want to hear what this sounds like, if you want to learn what it looks like and what it sounds like, you can hear it clearly in the video. But he says, but, you know, I wasn't that bad. Like, he was, like, minimizing. Like, I wasn't nearly, like, as bad as, like, all those people in aa, you know, like, I was still working. And so when I hear those thoughts, what that is, is it's like. It's like in my mind, it's like a little monster mouth in there, a little monster guy, and he's got, like, a crowbar, and he's taking that gate and he's sort of prying open. He's just making a little hole, a little wedge. Because when the time is right, when the circumstances right and the. Whatever it is is available or there's a big trigger, it's. It's gonna. It's gonna bust through the gate. A third thought that I listen for or pay attention to is some Kind of thought that's kind of like it's just who I am. What happens here is that this is just sort of I give up, I'm just gonna accept it like I'm just an alcoholic. Like, that's just me. Sometimes people even say it almost like with me, a pride about it, like, oh yeah, I could just drink you under the table or whatever. There's almost like this bravado about that too. I am. And that's because they've been living that way so long that all these justification processes have happened over and over and over again for years and years and years. In order to protect yourself from feeling like guilty and kind of shameful about it, that you have this defense mechanism of just being accepting it and almost being proud of it sometimes. And even you might not want to admit this, but what happens is even you judge other people who don't. So you, you, it's not even that you think, oh, that's just who I am, just like a stupid person. That's not what I'm saying. Sometimes it's like that, but sometimes it's like, oh yeah, that's me. Like other people are just lame, straight edge people. They're just. You have these judgments against people who don't do that. And that's all defense mechanism. Protecting your ego and yourself. Number four is one that I've talked about on this channel quite a bit. It is the biggie, it's the big cat daddy. Of all the ones I'm gonna say, this is the one. I have a whole video about it, actually a lot of videos about it. But I have one video that specifically about this. But it's, it's self pity and resentment. Once you start building a resentment really big about something in your situation, maybe it's a family thing, maybe it's a girlfriend or boyfriend thing, maybe it's a work thing, maybe it's a sibling thing, maybe it's a. Whatever. You start fixating on it, you start feeling trapped by it. You start convincing yourself that there's no way to fix it and that it's not fair and there's nothing you can do. This, this, this is a process. It's not an all in one day thing. It looks like it from the outside because it, from the outside it's like everything was fine. And then, oh my gosh, I just found myself at the bar. There, there was somebody, there was some monster mouth in there with that crowbar, proud, open this hole. Before you ended up in the bar. And a lot of times the Way that it's doing that is with this resentment, which leads to feeling sorry for yourself, which leads to giving yourself permission to make a bad decision. It's like the grand slam ace card. Like if those monster mouths, if they're gonna pull out the fail proof, that's it right there. Now another one. The fifth sort of psychological thought process that I listen for is some kind of like, I deserve it. Now, actually, this isn't one that people usually say out loud. Some of these other ones people say out loud, they don't even realize like what's happening. So they're just talking about what's going on. They don't realize that this is a relapse running sign. They don't realize that they're even planning to relapse sometimes, but so they'll talk about those out loud. This one right here, people don't say out loud because it's kind of an obvious one. Any version of I deserve it, this can happen in small ways, like after something really great happens, like a celebration, like a special event, like a promotion award, something. So there's this like, you know, I've worked really hard, I deserve it. Or it can look like I've been on good behavior for 60 days or, you know, I got all the way through dry January, whatever it is, you know, I deserve it, I've earned it. Kind of thought that that is one too. That will get you. Now the long haul on that one will build up sometimes and it's. I call it. If you heard me talk about monster mouths, some of you have. I call it the I'm a grown ass man monster mouth. It could be woman too. But it's like, I work hard, I pay my bills, I take care of my kids, whatever it is, you know, and then it's like, I'm a grown ass woman. I can't, you know, I can have a relaxing whatever if I want to. That's the I deserve it one. Now number six is right up there neck and neck with the self pity, resentment, I'm gonna say selfishness number one. But it's a close call. These two are. These two are like the most common ones. So number six is any version of. It'll be different this time. That same thing won't happen to me. And it comes in different forms, but this is the gist of it. So it can be like, well, I've been sober for six months. You know, it's not gonna hurt me to whatever, whatever every now and then that. That's what it usually looks like. Or it looks like, well, I was really only addicted to cocaine. You know, alcohol really never was my thing. In fact, I don't even like to drink. My daddy drank. I really don't even like it. So I, I can have some drinks. It'll be fun. It'll be different this time. Any version of that. Maybe I can manage it now. Maybe I can just do it socially. I don't know. Now that I'm saying it, I feel like it might be higher than the self pity, resentment one, but it's close. What do y' all think? Which one is the most common one, do you think? These are all common, but this is going to be different this time. This one will bust that gate open several times. Like this one will work on you. Like this con will work on you probably like 10 times. It's this kind of part of that bargaining thing that I talk about in some of the videos. But it's this way of convincing myself like, well, if I just do it on the weekends or if I just do it in these situations or if I take this big long break from it, you know, if it's just beer and not liquor, if it's just weed and not alcohol, I don't know. You know, any kind of version of it's gonna be different this time. I'm gonna manage it different. Like all of a sudden I've got these skills and I'm not gonna let it get out of control. Oh, sometimes it's like another time that happens is like, well, my depression's better now, so I probably won't like overdo it because I was really just self medicating. It's not gonna work because what you don't realize is it was the self medicating causing the depression or at least exacerbating it by a lot, you know, so it's like, oh, my situation's better now. My stresses is gone. I don't, I don't think I'll fall into that bad pattern again. Once you have gotten to the level of addiction you built, those neuro pathways, they're like cemented in because whatever it is that you are addicted to, you've done so many times, it's habitual. If you activate that neuropathway, it's gonna go back to the way it was because it's so entrenched. Think about how hard it was to break those habits. But they're just right there and all you have to do is reactivate it. And honestly, when people say this and they feel this, they really mean it they're not like, trying to trick you sometimes they're trying to treat themselves, but they really mean it. And it's just mind boggling. Because, I mean, a lot of people I see are very successful, like, way more willpower and strong than I am. I promise you. Way smarter. Like, I see some people that, like, run Iron man, you know, they just, like, run companies. They just do, like, amazing things. And. And it would be natural to think to yourself, like, dude, I can control everything else. Like, I eat healthy, I exercise and pay my bills. I do all the things. Like, surely I can control how much whatever I put in my body. But it may seem like that would be rational on the surface, and I guess it kind of would be. But it's a lack of understanding about the science of addiction, about what happens in the brain, how this activation thing happens that supersedes all those other things. So, yes, you can control all those other things, but once you've crossed the line into addiction, you just don't really go backwards. And after you've tried that, it'll be different. This time thing, 15, 20, 30 times, you start to figure this out, and then those little monster mouths work on you less. It's like that. That key does not unlock the gate anymore. I'm sure there are a lot more of these thought processes, but these are like the ones I hear every single week, all the time. And I pay attention to them. I don't always call them out. I don't always say relapse warning signs. Because actually, if you do that for family members and friends who are listening here and addiction counselors, you're gonna hear it, and that bell's gonna go off in your head. If you're like me, it's gonna be like, oh, like the red siren starts going in your brain. But, like, easy, hold it, hold it. Because if you say you're just talking yourself into a relapse as relapse warning signs, you're gonna make the person defensive, right? And then they're gonna, like, be mad at you. So now we got another resentment. So you really just added to the pile. And then they're gonna want to not talk to you anymore. So now they've, like, distanced themselves from a recovery support. Be like, gentle on how you handle this. I do want you to know what they are like when you hear these things. I want the red flashing thing to go off in your head. Like, that alarm should be alarming, but if you're. If it's alarming on somebody else, I want you to go back, watch like five Amber videos before you try to address it. Okay? Do not impulsively address it because this person is already teetering. They're already basically trying to convince themselves, like, they're working it up. Last thing you need to do is give them a good reason. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. I just want you to be thoughtful and strategic about what? Or even if sometimes you don't need to bring it up. But if you're going to like how you go about doing it, because just impulsively calling someone out and say, I know you've relapsed or you're gonna relapse, or you said the same thing last time and you know how that ended. Do not say that. You could think it all you want. You can call me up, tell it to me if you want. I'll say, you're totally right. It's probably what's gonna happen. But don't say it, because there might be a chance that they could pull out of it. Right? And I don't want you to go and cut that last safety net safety line that could hold them in place. All right, Those of you that are watching live, thanks for showing up. I really appreciate it. I still remember. I will never forget doing a bunch of these lives, talking to myself and man, you sure do feel foolish. It helps me to see that you guys are here. And if you're watching on the playback, I appreciate you, too. I know you can't always get here live. If you want to come live, we're. We're live one o' clock Eastern every Thursday. We do some other ones that pop in every now and then randomly, but we're always here Thursdays at 1. So we probably. Now that I say that as soon as I said, I thought, well, we won't be here next Thursday because that's Thanksgiving. Other than that, we're here. Okay? So I'm gonna take some questions, some comments. I'd love to hear from you. If this resonates with you. Does this connect to you? Does it sound right? Am I totally crazy? Or maybe I missed one. Maybe there's one. You. You've had this thought all a bunch of times. You've heard it a bunch of times. And you can, like, add it to the list, because if. If I missed one and you know it, you need to say it because it'll help someone else catch it. You could help someone else not find. Fall back into that pit because they're gonna be like, oh, that's the Thought there it is. And the red light goes off. Alright, so let's take some questions, some comments and see what's going on with you guys today. And as I look through these comments and because Bree's not here to help me sort them, so as I do that, I will tell you, as always, there are more resources for you in the description. If you feel like you need some recovery coaching, there's a link for that. If you are a family member and you want some help and support and some gu, there's a link for that. There's also a link for our free resources page where there's like tons of like recovery downloads and stuff that you can get. So definitely check those out. All right, let's see our questions and comments. Hey, hey, Nana and Love America and Marilyn, Christine, Sandra from Oklahoma. RH oh, RH has a good question here. What type of language and conversations should I try to have with my addicted or alcoholic husband or something like that in the contemplation phase? Okay, so for, for those of you who may not, you may be thinking like, what's the contemplation phase? It's one of the phases of change that people go through. So it's not like people are like in denial and then they're like, I gotta change. There's some phases in there. Contemplation phase is this sort of stage that people go through where they're like, well, I'm probably doing XYZ too much. I need to cut it back. Or maybe I needed to change, or maybe I do need to get sober. They're thinking about. It's called the thinking about it stage. So what you want to do is you want to listen closely for whatever is motivating them to be thinking about the change. And where it gets tricky is in your mind, there's a thousand really big obvious reasons why this person should change. And. And it's tempting to want to throw those out. Well, don't you know you're ruining your family? Well, you're about to lose your job. Well, like you filed bankruptcy. You know, you may have all these things on the tip of your tongue, but those don't matter. You have to listen for what's motivating them. And for you, it may feel like a dumb reason. Like maybe it's like their girlfriend wants them to stop. And you may think, oh, that's why you're going to stop. It doesn't matter. Whatever is their reason, it's a good one. There's no bad reason. So you want to listen for their motivators and you want to cultivate them. I call it like watering the seed. There's sort of a way to pull those forward. And I have some videos on it. In fact, I even have like a, a free, like, session where you can watch me do something called motivational interviewing where you can, like, watch me do that with a real person. Like a real session on how to like, find their motivators and harness them and pull them forward. I'll try to remember to put the, the link for you up for that. But listen for what's important to them. If they say it's because, well, it's caused me to gain weight, that's a good one. It's causing me to feel stressed. Whatever is their little thing. You want to listen for that now you don't want to jump on it. You gotta play cool. You always gotta play it cool. You gotta say, what makes you think that? Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good point. You gotta play cool. All right, let's find us another one. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jess. We got Jesse and Jesse. Candace, Stephanie from Central Florida. Cindy, good to see you too. Anthony, Good to see you. Anthony goes way back. Anthony from New York. Judy, sometimes. Oh, here's a good one. Sometimes I get dragged in when I know better. It's hurting me because the whole damn family is a mess. I want to walk away. It's hard, Judy. I call it fish hooks. When you say get dragged in, it's like, you know, not to say something or, you know, you want to stay out of it or whatever, but they just throw these little fish hooks at you and they know how to push your buttons and then eventually you just bite one of them dang fish hooks. And you're going to do that from time to time? I do that from time to time. Luckily, if most of the time you're not, and most of the time you're doing a lot of the other things we've talked about, then you build enough credit in the bank to make that small withdrawal and you can easily back out of it. If you, if you're already like negative deficient in the bank and you do that, you're just going more negative. But you gonna mess it up. Sometimes, Judy, I mess it up. We all do. Love America says my husband is blaming me for triggering him. Raise your little hand. Put a little hand emoji in the comments if you've heard that one before. Yeah, I wouldn't drink if you weren't such a controlling, nagging. Fill in the blank right I wouldn't drink if you didn't. I wouldn't have to hide it if you weren't so like freaked out by it. If you didn't have a like mess about it every time. Oh yeah, that's like classic. Gotta blame you. That's called self pity and resentment. That's the big daddy right there at play. Boredom. It is a big trigger. Boredom is a trigger for sure. Keeping yourself busy, keeping yourself occupied is helpful, but it's. Boredom is like one of those other triggers. It may make you want to, but it's not going to get that gate open unless you have. You have to. You have to get that guard to open that gate. And in order to do that, you have to have a reason why it's okay. So if it's a boredom trigger, my guess is that there's going to be some thought about like, oh, just this one time or it'll be different this time or I'm not that bad. Some sort of minimizing monster mouth con. Let's see here. Donnie, thank you for the super chat. You're so sweet. Let's see here. What else do we have? Hey, Cindy from Pennsylvania. I appreciate you checking in and watching. Here we go. I've relapsed over breakups and heartaches. Oh, if you're still watching, tell us a little bit more about that because that's a. That's a big one. I feel like the, the combo thought that probably goes with that is like, this sucks. It's never going to get better because when your heart is broken, it really does suck. And it does feel like you'll never feel better. And last time, a long time. It's terrible. It's actually like being in withdrawal. And so that's the one that you convince yourself. I'm just never gonna feel better. I'm miserable. Like, I can't take this anymore with the heartache and the breakup. Then. Then you have the bad combo. Is that the way it happened for you or was it different? Good morning, zombie mom. Oh, I like this. Candace says the guard has to be like, gandalf, you shall not pass. I haven't thought about that. But now, from now on, that's the visual. Every visual in your head. Like Gandalf. Y' all know Gandalf from Lord of the Rings with the big white beard and the big staff. You and it's like all the big powerful wizard. That's what I want you to think. You need to get a Gandalf in there. I like it. Hey, miss from Orange County. Hey. 365 recovery group from Frisco, Texas. That's close to where my sister is. Anthony says I had a couple of relapse episodes of use lately and I always trick myself into believing it will make you feel better. That's a good one. Let's add that to the list. Anthony, it's gonna make you feel better. That's a lie. Isn't does feel like especially if you're feeling bad, it's like, just need some reprieve. I just need some relief. The thing of it is is it only ever makes you feel worse every time, especially when you've been in recovery because you can't even enjoy the high because you feel guilty about it. It's kind of a buzzkill once you. So it's a trick for sure. But that is a common one. So let's put that on the list. You guys add that one in command from South Africa. Been listening to you. Thank you. Thanks for listening. Nicole has a question. I'd love to hear your insight from the perspective of food binging, overeating, gait thoughts and interventions. It's very difficult when eating is part of life. I totally agree with you. I struggle with this one myself and I would say that it's probably a pretty similar process. I can tell you how it works for me. So for me, it's like you wake up, you had a good night's sleep, you're all in the good zone. You're like, all right, I'm be good today. I'm going to work hard, I'm going to make good decisions. I'm going to eat right, I'm going to exercise. And you have all these good plans and you do good for a while for me. But as the day goes on and you get tired here and tired and tired and your willpower wears down, you eventually just get to the efforts or that I deserved it or I've worked hard or, you know, I just gotta eat something. I don't have time to go make something healthy. So yes, there's that gate opening process. And I would say that it works just exactly the same. Let's see. Anthony says it always starts with having a bad conversation in his head. Okay, here we go. Here's a good one. Don says, my son says often, 17 years we've been going through hell. He's 34 and it started at 17. Okay, so that one is. I'm glad you said this because this is a good example of it's not getting easier. It will never get better. So Basically, when you have that thought, it's permission to quit trying to. Because it's basically like saying, why even try? It's been going on 17 years. It's never going to get better. That's a great example of what I'm talking about. Oh, here's one. DJ says I'm on vacation. This is what led to the last time, right? So. So those of you are listening, which. Which one of the ones we talked about does this. Which categories this fall into? I wish we had some game show music. Like. Right. Okay, this one falls into the. I deserve it. I'm on vacation. I deserve to let go and relax. And I mean, that's like a common vacation thought, right? Like, I'm vacation, I'll eat whatever I want. It's not uncommon. It's not even unreasonable. Right. I totally get it. Vacation is a big one. Especially if you vacation anywhere that has water involved. I don't know why, but that just seems to make it worse. Tara says it's so hard to believe that stepping back and letting my husband's addiction run its course will actually happen. It feels like I'm saying okay with everything, but not saying anything. Okay. I'm so glad you said this, Tara, because I know what you're saying. Everybody on here knows what you're saying. And it feels so unnatural. I like to say it feels like not hitting the brakes when you're getting on ice or sliding on ice, but it is what you need to do. The reason is. The reason, Tara, is because what you don't know is that even though your husband isn't saying this to you, there's this conversation in his head, just like this conversation that'll talk you into the bad things. There's also this conversation, this dialogue that's happening, that's. He may not admit it to you. You may not see any cling of it, but I promise you, it's there. This saying, you know, this is a problem. You know you gotta stop. You know, you should get better. And if you come at him so like about it, what happens is, is immediately, reflexively, he defends whatever's happening. He minimizes it. He tells you why it's not that big of a deal. He tells you to screw off, whatever. And every time you get him to say out loud any of those defensive thoughts, you're. You're. You're making that other voice louder and you're distracting him. So you just need to let that little voice work inside. Now, if your husband is. Is to the point where, like, he's completely not functional. He's, like, not in denial at all. He's just like, whatever, I don't care. Like, he's just so far gone. That's a different situation. But if what you're dealing with is that your husband is in denial, just don't want to talk about it. And they're still functioning fairly well. You need to let that little voice work. It's in there. I promise you it is. And you'll even get little glimpses of it if you're. If you're super cool about it. They'll let you see and hear little glimpses of it, and that'll help you feel better. Are you getting any of those. Those little change talk glimpses? What do you do when you hear these things? How do you stop it from taking over? If you hear these things and they're your thoughts, as in you're the person with the addiction, you just remember about this video and you say, shut up, you lying little monster mouth. I'm not listening to you. Just say, uh, you told me that crap last time. It's not even, not even working. If you hear these things and you're the family member, it's a little bit more complicated. And I have some videos on here. I think they're in the playlist titled Relapse that talk about sort of what to do, how to damage control it. Because it's a. It's not a black and white answer here. But mostly don't. Don't, like, jump on top of it and say you're thinking about relapse. Don't send this video right here that you're watching. Say, watch this video right now because you're having these. Don't do that. Take it calm, take it easy. Go back to all those things that I teach you and try to redirect it or intervene on it, but you have to do it delicately. Marilyn says her son says he just gets bored. Right? Boredom is a trigger. But there's a. There's something else there that lets him open that gate. Hey, Steven. Steven says, I'm so very sad. My son has no plans for recovery. Was in the army Iraq War. Now, 20 years later, feeling bad and sorry. He lives with us for the last four years, but today I'm struggling with making him move. I need all the help I can get. Have done and tried. He is a wonderful person and lovable, but I feel love for him, but not the unlovable behavior. That's a really good way to think about it. And that's true. The War was so tragic and the trauma for him and his family. I feel like I have cement boots on and I can hardly breathe. Right. I think this one is kind of a version of it's never going to get better. Probably this is a dialogue that this. That your son is having with himself. Like, I'm just miserable. It's never going to get better. And probably like, this is the only way I can cope or this is the only thing that makes me feel better. Some version of that. And it makes it really hard on you too, as a family member and as a father, because you have that empathy for them. One of the. One of my. I have lots of unpopular thoughts, but probably my most unpopular thought is this. As much empathy as I have for people who struggle with addiction, who have traumas, and there are lots of them, I have every bit of heart for it. It's not an excuse. It doesn't make me change my mind. It doesn't make me back off. You know why? Because letting someone off the hook because they have trauma is ridiculous. Because that person that has an active addiction is traumatizing other by the second. So if we want the trauma to stop, we have to like, say, I get it. I love you. I feel. I understand your dilemma. I'll do anything I can do to help. But that, that's not a reason to keep going. It's not a reason to keep this addiction going or to not hold yourself accountable. Because look at the trauma that it's causing you to watch that addiction going and whoever else is in his life. So that. That's why have empathy for it. But it doesn't, because some. Because sometimes families will even have so much empathy that they just make really bad decisions. Like, they'll just like literally keep buying them drugs or they'll just not hold the boundary with them because they have so much empathy. It's not a good reason to do that. Let's see. Christina says, I have three years clean off of Method Math. Last year I started my own business and just bought myself a new car. I know that that's not possible for me to have a family and relation. Wait, hold on. I know that it's not possible for me to have a family relationship and be successful. I think there's like, more than that. Is what you're saying is like, I could never have done this stuff and be on math. I think that's what you're saying. I think what you're saying, what Christina's trying to tell us is like, this is. This is one of the ways she guards against this relapse as she reminds herself like, look how far my life has come and how much better it is. And I can't have that when I'm in that state. And so when you have those little monsters come up to the guard, this is a good thing for that guard to say right back. Let's see here. Tina says I've got to put this up here because this is like a, like a nice little review. Tina says your members group is great. Thank you Amber and your team for making it possible. You are so welcome. We, our members group has always been great, but we recently had those upgrades and we're really excited about it. Actually we've had a little technical learning to have to do, but we love it. They're having the live group coaching every week. If you guys are a family member and you're not in that, you should definitely be in that. Cuz Kim and Campbell come on there every week and answer your questions and give you advice and it's awesome. And Kim and Campbell, let me tell you what is better about them than me. They look after you. The family member. I feel like I'm always taken up for the, for the defense, for the person who's probably done some bad things. It's true. That's what I do. But they look out for you. They're good with the boundaries. Our fellow that we just talked to has the son moving out. Let me find your name again. What was your name? Was it Stephen? Stephen. Stephen. If you're not in that group, you should be in that group because Campbell would keep your head on straight about this. She's the best at that. She's been through it. She's got two sons. She's really good. She would, she would keep you solid. Debbie says you're picking on me. That's a thought, right? You're picking on me. Which one does that fall into? Self pity. That's right. And relapse or self pity and resentment. That's right. See question. Susan says hubby just relapsed over the last six months. Ish. His issue is pain pills. He recently said he thought all of what you have mentioned. Are there any chances for him to stay sober? So what you're saying is he's. Is he. Are you saying he's been sober for the last six months or you're saying he's been in a relapse for six months? Hold on. He's been in a. If he's already in the relapse. That's why you're hearing every single one of these statements because he's, he's justifying the continued use. So it's like at this point, all the whole committee is just keeping them stuck in that, that thought process and cycle. CCV says, prior to my husband's recent relapse, he told me that a stressful family issue really made me want to drink. Two days later, he relapsed. Should I have said something when he signaled this weakness? This is actually a really. This is a really good question. Kind of goes back to what I said as far as, like, relapse doesn't happen all at once. It's a process. So this could have been where the first domino fell. Maybe it was an argument, a fight, whatever. I don't even know, like a financial situation, whatever the situation was that caused a lot of stress. The fact that the person said it out loud most of the time is a good sign, I think, like, if. If the person says it to me in session, you know, oh, my God, I got so upset. I was so stressed. I couldn't take anymore. I really want to drink. Amber. If somebody says that to me, I actually see that as a good sign because they're not going to tell me that they're wanting to drink if they're planning to drink. So a lot of times saying it out loud is a good sign. There's one situation where it's not. Sometimes the person is saying that as kind of a way of I don't know what the stressful situation was, but if it involved you and he's saying it to you, what he might be saying is, you're making me want to drink. And he might be falling into self dream resentment. So it depends on why he's saying it out loud. 90% of the time, I think it's good. So if what he's saying is he's just saying maybe it didn't have anything to do with you or whatever, or he's just telling you what's going on, like, just being open. Then you say, wow, I know, I totally get it. Like, that was really bad. Like, how did you keep that from happening? So you want to validate that they didn't. Or you want to say, you know, I'm glad that you're paying attention to those things, because the fact that they notice it is good. Unless he's saying it as a manipulative statement, basically kind of setting himself up to blame you. Thank you, Donnie, for that super chat. All right, let's see. Mary says, can you make any suggestions about the holidays. I've heard that is a tough time for qualifiers to say. Sober qualifiers, for those of you don't know, what that means, is basically like, for the addicted loved one. It's like an Al Anon term. I think it means the person in my life who qualifies me to be an Al Anon. That's really confusing, but tell me if I'm wrong, but that's the way I understand the term. So I have a whole video on this. Like, literally, it's called, like, how to get through the Holidays or something without relapsing. You can find it and hear more about it. But the. The gist of it is, is if this is your loved one, you just want to have a conversation with them and say, hey, I know this might be hard. What can I do? Don't make it weird. Don't make it be like, oh, like, we shouldn't go. You're gonna drink. You can say, hey, you wanna go? You don't wanna go. You want me to be your wingman? You want me to, like, make sure there's no alcohol there? You want me to make sure there's no alcohol? You may tell everybody they can't drink. You may. Whatever it is, you be on their side. And you say, I got your back. What do you need me to do? And sometimes what they need you to do is just not be weird about it and don't let other people be weird about it or run interference for them so everyone's not asking them awkward questions and looking at them funny. But find out what they need from your help and let them know you're an ally. And don't be overly freaked out about it, because that's actually. That makes you feel nervous. And it's kind of a trigger in of itself as everybody's being all weird about it and they're all worried about it. Makes you feel uncomfortable. So just ask them. All right, let's see here. Roxanne. Richard says if you hear those voices, go to a meeting if they are in recovery, or have them get outside himself. Try to help someone. So this is pretty good recovery advice. Basically, it's like redirect it what you don't want to do, which is exactly what Roxanne is saying is stay in your head and entertain that thought. Because the more you let that thing talk to you, the more you entertain it, the bigger and louder it gets. So redirect it. Go to a meeting, do something else. Help someone else shift. Get out of your head. Quit giving that thought space. Because it's not. It's the more attention you give it, the bigger it gets. All right, everybody, we are about out of time. I thought this was super fun talking to you guys today. You had great questions for me. I feel like your questions get better and better all the time. Thanks for showing up live and thanks for showing up on the replay. We will not be here next week, but we will be here every other Thursday. Besides that, we will be releasing a new video, though, on Tuesday. So resources in the description. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye.