WHY DO ALCOHOLICS LIE /WHY DO ADDICTS LIE? (and what to do about it!)

Hello and welcome to our live video today, which is gonna be a good one. It is. Excuse me. It's all about why alcoholics and addicts tell lies. We're actually going to cover four different reasons why an addict or an alcoholic might be lying to you. And best of all, we're gonna cover what to do about it because I know if you have an addicted loved one, the lying is probably your number one frustration. At least it is for a lot of the people that. If you're new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. Welcome to Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can beat it, get your life back on track, and start living the life that you want to live. If that sounds like something that you need to do, make sure you subscribe and hit the bell notification so that you'll know when I or when we release new videos. We usually release two. Two videos a week, one every Tuesday, and we do a live on Thursdays. But most weeks I try to get you guys a bonus video in there. And if you have the bell notification on, then you'll know. Then you'll be able to have access to that. Okie dokie. So let's get to our topic. I've kind of broken down reasons to lie in four categories. And the reason I think it's important to understand this is because the intention of the lie has a whole lot to do with, number one, how frustrating it is going to be to you, and secondly, like, what you're gonna do about it. Because lies have such a huge, huge, huge impact on our relationships, on our trust, on our respect for the other person and for ourselves. You know, really, you know, especially compulsive lying really undermines our relationships. Now, before we get into this, I want you to remember that everyone lies. Like, everyone lies every day. But the intention of those lies and the level and the reasons behind those, l, there's a big difference in. So we're going to cover some of those maybe lower level ones that a lot of people do that aren't as harmful. And then we'll cover some of those big cat daddy ones that people do that are very harmful. Let's see here. Anytime someone lies, it's an attempt to mislead. And it pretty much indicates that the person is putting, or usually indicates the person is putting their needs ahead of your needs. And so there's usually the reason is because they're either trying to avoid something, get something, there's something going on in There where they're putting their needs ahead of yours. So to the four kinds of lies, the first one is called a little white lie. And most of us know what a little white lie is. It's a lie usually we tell to avoid hurting someone else's feelings. And of course lying isn't good or okay in any situation. But sometimes the intent behind, or most of time the intent behind a little white lie isn't very malicious, if you know what I mean. So it's like saying, you know, like, you look great in those jeans or dinner was great. In fact, I think sometimes a little white lie is like a show of respect and consideration. So sometimes I'm kind of okay with that. Are any of you ever okay with that? What do you think about the little white lies? Let me know in the chat, I'd love to see what your thoughts on them or are you like a hundred percent absolutely truth all the time? I kind of think there's a time and place for the little white lie. But sometimes we trick ourselves into saying, oh, that was for their benefit when it really was for our benefit. The problem with little white lies, Normal. I know, I kind of agree. Normal, right. The problem with little white lies is that it usually doesn't solve a bigger problem, it just puts it off. And so the problem is probably going to keep coming back at you. And if that's the case, then you're probably going to have to get more honesty. If it's kind of like a one off, fine. But if it's just going to keep leading the problem to come back to you, like let's say your mother in law always buys you like ugly sweaters and you hate them. Like they're terrible. You can say to her like, oh, this was so cute, I loved it, but it just wasn't my size. Well, guess what's going to happen. Mom in law is going to go back and switch that sweater out and get you your size. And now you really got to wear it because you said you loved it. So sometimes a little white lie can backfire on you. So be careful of that one. Next is one you might not think of, but it's called the unintended lie because I think it's important. Sometimes people lie but they don't mean to. And this is funny because the reason this comes to my attention is my son brings us up all the time. Like he'll say, daddy lied to me because dad says like, oh, I'll be home at 5 and dad gets home at 5:03 or something. Like that, like in his mind it's like not the truth and it's really hard to explain because he's eight. Another one he'll say is he'll say my teacher always lies. And I say what do you mean your teacher always lies? And he says, well she always says that if we don't quiet down we're gonna miss recess and we're always gonna, and we're gonna have to stay in every single one of us and we never. And so, you know, he told me that last week and I was really kind of like deciding in my head how I wanted to explain that to him. I don't know if I would call that a lie. Maybe that's not being as consistent or not having a follow through or maybe that's just trying to get kids to do what you need them to do. So there is an unintended lie and for the most part you might get that one in a situation like where someone tells you they're going to do something or be somewhere at a certain time and they aren't able to do that. Now sometimes people just lie to your face and they like, no, they're not coming, but they'll tell the coming. That's different. This is when like, let's say you say I'll be home at 5:30, but then there's a traffic jam in your home at 5:45. And I know that seems like pretty like well duh, everyone knows that. But if you're in a situation where you've lived with an addict or alcoholic and you've literally been lied to for years and years and years, you're so sensitive to that that even the unintended lie can just rub or just hit your buttons because you don't trust anything they say. And your immediate thought is that they're being deceptive. So one of the things you need to do is figure out like was it a purposeful lie? Because yeah, if someone isn't consistent or doesn't follow through with what they say, it's frustrating. If we think someone flat out lied to us, that is like a whole nother level of anger. And so like I said, if you can figure out the why behind it, it's going to determine how you feel about it and what to do about it. Alright, let's move on to the ones that you're here to hear about. The next law is a lie that I'm just going to call like a regular deception. And you're going to get this. When dealing with an alcoholic or an addict A lot. Because a lot of times it's these like, lying about where they've been, lying about who they were with, lying about how much money they spent. And this is most of that is in like a self preservation kind of thing. Like they're just trying to like avoid getting trouble or they're trying to get around a rule or something like that. So you know, they'll lie about, yeah, I turned in my schoolwork or yeah, I went to the AA meeting when really they went to drink liquor in the Walmart parking lot or whatever it is. So that is a purposeful avoidance maneuver. So like a deception lie. And then in my mind, number four is like the worst kind of lie. So I kind of try to put them in an order of severity for you or at least in severity in my mind as far as like how angry they would make me. The last one is, I'm gonna call it like it's a full out manipulation. And this kind of lie is just so much more strategic. This is a plan to get you to think and do certain things that they want you to think and do in a way that's maybe not in your best interest or it's more for their interest. Now you can think about manipulation. Like you can think about like a used car salesman trying to manipulate you into something. So it's that kind of thing, but evil or more like with a bad intention behind it. Sometimes addicts and alcoholics, and we talk about this a lot in the gaslighting video, but it's where they all do things. They'll place things in certain places, they'll say things a certain way. They'll constantly attack you about small things or make you feel terrible about small things because they're literally trying to shape your thinking, trying to make you say and do things. Sometimes they're trying to make you appear crazy so that everyone else around you doesn't believe you that this person is an addict. Or they're splitting or they're doing something that's calculated. So can you see the difference? And there's that calculated lying, which is usually like a whole spider web scenario of a bunch of lies put into place to like accomplish this deception. And then there's the whole like, I'm just lying to avoid being in trouble. And then there's the unintended lie and the white lie. So if you're like most people, whichever lie you're getting is going to determine how upset that you are at it. But regardless of how upset you are, I'm going to give you Some different techniques that you can use when you feel like this is happening to you. And you may want to use one or two of these in certain situations. Or you may want to use these almost like level one, level two. Like, first I'm going to do this, second, this, third, this. And if I have to, I'm going to do this. So the first thing you want to do is come from a point of curiosity. Ask some questions. This is sort of like your detective hat. Put your detective hat on. And so it's kind of like, oh, you're at your meeting. Like, oh, is that a speaker meeting? Oh, who talked at it? Like, just ask some curious questions. Not full out interrogation where the person feels under attack, but be curious about it. And a lot of times that will draw out the lie or it will make the lie more evident. And especially this is what you definitely need to start with. If you're not sure if they're lying, ask questions like, if your spouse is late coming home, just say, you know, don't say. Don't start out the gate saying you lied. You said you're here at 5:30, say, hey, I thought you were here at 5:30. Like, did something happen? Ask a question and give them a chance to tell you what's going on. If that doesn't work, then move on to number two, which is offer them a way out. So if they say something like, and the reason it's kind of like opening a door, it's almost like, okay, I know you lied to me, but I'm gonna let you step through the storm. Tell me the truth. This is your chance. You can tell me the truth right now. And it's gonna be a whole lot less bad if we can get it out there right now. So it's a way of saying, are you sure you don't want to tell the truth right here? If it was a lie, they probably get mad about the questions. Oh, that is so on point. I love that. You're right. They'll avoid the questions, they'll give evasive answers, they'll distract. They'll be like, oh, let me drink water. Because they're trying to think. Or they'll get mad. That's a great point. So let me give you an example of giving them a way out. Let's say if you say something like, if they say something like, yeah, I turn in my schoolwork or whatever, you can say, oh, really? Because I thought like Ms. Smith was off all this week. And then they might say, oh, yeah, that's right. I went by There I tried to turn it in, but she wasn't there or something. So you're kind of opening the door to allow for a little bit more truth here without totally shutting down their ego and going straight in for like a fight. Because what you're trying to avoid is a fight. Because it doesn't help anything. It doesn't help you, it doesn't help them. It's not gonna. It's not gonna be good in any kind of way. So you're trying to make the truth come out. And you're also trying to set a precedent that it's not easy to lie to you and that you are gonna call it out. And that, like, maybe they'll get better at telling you the truth if you're really consistent about doing these things. Now, when you do that, I always want you, and this is number three, to come from a point of humility. Maybe you already know the answer, but I still want you to come from a point of humility. You can say, oh, gosh, I was thinking this, or are you sure? Because I thought that if you're coming in the conversation from a point of a know it all, you're gonna start a fight. And that really is sort of engaging in a way that's gonna be non productive. And I know what you're thinking, like, they're lying. Who cares if you start a fight? It's so true. It's not that you don't deserve to get to start a fight. It's not that your feelings invalid. It's just that here on put the shovel down. We're being strategic. We're not talking about what's fair or not fair. We're talking about what works. So I know you might have that roadblock in your head. I don't blame you. I would have it too. So make sure you come at them with a point of humility and say, oh, I could be wrong about that. But I thought that was Thursday. Or I thought that they canceled that meeting because of the coronavirus. Are they still having that? So come from a point of humility and curiosity. And that will be make the chances that you're gonna get the truth a lot higher. Now, the second thing I do, you might not be able to do it. Just depends on your personality and the dynamics of the situation that you're in. But I use a lot of humor in my therapy sessions with my son. Just in any kind of situation where I want to get the truth out. But I'm not trying to come under attack. I'll just I'll just be funny about the way I say things. And sometimes people, you know, it's a little bit sarcastic, but most of the time when I do this, it's with someone that knows me really well, so they know we have a good relationship. They don't take it ugly or whatever. So I might say something like, are you sure that's the whole story? I feel like I'm missing a piece. So I say it funny or sarcastic or teasing or I might say, mmm, that's a good one. You almost got me. I believe about 50% of that, but I'm not gonna believe the rest, you know. So I say something funny like that or kind of come at it in a non threatening way. That is another way to open the door and allow them to tell you the truth. Now if none of that works, those are your first four like strategies. Try all that first. If none of that works, then just come straight out and call the lie out. But I'm going to give you a way, a specific way to do it. I don't want you to say you are lying. I looked at the bank account and I know you cashed a check at the Bilo and got money. I don't want you to do that. I want you to say something more along the lines of, I'm really having a hard time believing that. Because what you're saying then is what's going on with you. You're not saying what's going on with them, you're not accusing someone else of anything. And it's a lot more difficult to argue with you if you say, I'm just struggling to believe that because you're not saying they're a liar, you're just saying like you're not connecting all the dots. And then the next level you can do with that number five technique is you can say, can you, you can sort of offer a way for them to help you believe that. You can say, am I missing something? You know, there's that humility and you're sort of giving them away to last chance to pull the truth out here in a way that everybody's dignity is intact. And so like I said, it's like I'm struggling with that or, you know, that's a hard one for me. I don't. I'm not connecting all these dots. There's just a way to say it that's talking about how you're struggling on the inside versus telling them what they are or aren't doing. Because yes, they're flat out lying. But Usually when you point, put a person in the corner and you call them straight out on it, they'll just lie to you and say, no, I'm not. It's the truth. Even like, if they're standing there, like, with the bloody gloves, I say, you know, like, seriously, really, everyone sees your line, or they'll turn it on you and start a fight. Well, if you weren't such a bee, I wouldn't have to lie to you or something like that. And then that's just going to escalate. Lastly, if you've done all these things, then you can feel really, really good. Like, you can be like, I should get an award of, like, sainthood for how I'm dealing with my addict or alcoholic. If you can do all those things, that is impressive. I don't even know if I could do all those things in my personal life. I just know they work. And so you can feel really good about that. And now if you get to the point where you have to draw a hard line in the sand, you can know that you did everything possible. You can feel, rest assured, that the reason they're lying to you isn't because you can't handle the truth. It's not because you overreact. It's not because you're unfair. Because if you're responding like this, there's no way that the person can sort of put it on you. This makes it pretty clear that you gave them every opportunity, every way out to tell the truth, and they just didn't take it. And you guys know, if you watch a lot of my videos, a lot of my strategy has to do with, like, not letting them put you in the bad guy role. So if you've got to move to a boundary or a consequence, let's talk about what the consequence of a lie is. Have y' all seen my video on punishment versus consequence versus boundaries? If you haven't, totally check that out. What's the consequence of a lie? I'd like to see what you guys think. If you're. If you're watching and you're on chat, what would be a consequence of lying? Anybody got any thoughts? Let's see what you guys think on that. Let me give you a quick maybe example about something happened last week. My son, he said his neighbors down the street were gonna go somewhere and he was gonna go with them. And he's pretty shy, so he has a hard time, like, asking. He's not shy with me, but he's just shy with other people. He has a hard time, like, Talking to someone else's parents or asking for something sometimes. So I gave him the money. They were gonna go, like, bowling or something. I gave him the money. I said, now are you gonna give that to Ms. Laura? And he's like, yeah. I said, well, you have to give her the money so, you know, so that it's not awkward, so she can pay for your bowling or whatever. And I knew him, and I just knew that he would, like, be too shy to give it to her. And he says, so he says, well, what if I don't? And then I said, well, that'd be kind of rude. And then he said, well, what will happen if I don't? And then I said, well, you'll lose my trust. That's the answer. The consequence of lying is a loss of trust. And trust is the most valuable thing that you have. And my son will ask me that a lot because he'll be like, what will happen if he wants to know? Like, what's gonna happen to me if I do this? Like, where's the line? And I'll just say, like, you'll get a bad grade, I guess, or, you know, like, I won't trust you anymore or something like that. And then just that right there, that I won't trust you does the job. Because with trust comes privileges, and everyone knows that on some level. So the consequence of lying is not punishment. It's not, I'm not paying for your college. It's not, you can't see your kids. Those are punishments. The consequence of lying is loss of trust. And if you're going to put a boundary around that, remember, boundaries are about. You got a video coming out soon called Boundaries versus Ultimatums. It's a really good one. But boundary might mean something like, you know, I just can't keep living in this situation because I feel like I can't trust anything. I feel like I'm always accusing you of lying, and I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'm just going to have to back myself up from it. So that's called putting a boundary for yourself versus trying to do something like it's a punishment for them. And I know it may feel like semantics, but it's very important how you articulate these things and what you're thinking behind these things are, because if you do it the right way, it's pretty effective. It's effective for you, and it makes the chances higher that the other person's going to make some good choices or move towards recovery. So that's it. That's our lesson on lying and how to deal with it. Thank you guys for joining us. We will be here next Thursday live as well. And if you know someone who needs this video, make sure you share it with them. We got one last comment. A live omission is a popular way of lie that allows the person to believe that they're not lying. Oh, I'm so glad you said that. Look at that. I have that one note right here to say omission probably can't see that omission falls under the deception. And omitting something on accident because you don't think it's relevant. That's one of those unintended lies. Omitting something on purpose that you know the other person would want to know is a full out lie. And when the person tries to say, oh, I didn't lie, I'll say, well, you definitely intended to deceive. And then they won't argue with you anymore because they know that's true. So you can. They'll try to get with the semantics and say it wasn't a lie. And I'll say, yeah, but it was a deception. And they were like, yeah, you're right. And then I'll back down. Thank you for bringing that up. I forgot to mention it was on my notes here. All right, guys, catch you next time. Bye.