Amber Hollingsworth explains why addiction can seem to take priority over a partner: the brain loses insight, the user denies loss of control, they blame their partner, and reactive anger pushes them further away. She offers strategies to shift dynamics without enabling.
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If you loved me, you wouldn't drink. Or if you loved me, you wouldn't use drugs. If you've ever thought or said that statement before, this video is specifically for you. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so. So that you can get your life and your family back on track. Now, in this video, I'm going to explain to you four reasons why your spouse seems to be choosing a substance over you, and I'm going to tell you what to do about it. The first reason why it seems like your spouse is choosing a substance over you is the fact that they don't admit to themselves that they are choosing a substance over you. And in fact, there's a lot of brain science that helps explain why people that are struggling with addiction can't see how much what they're doing is hurting the people around them and themselves. There's actual brain science to it. There's a reason why they cannot see that. Now, reason number two is that they probably are continuously lying to themselves about how much they're going to use. You see, you get caught in this cycle of promising yourself every single day that you're only gonna drink a couple of beers or you're only gonna do just a little bit so that you can go to work and make money or whatever it is that you're telling yourself. And when you're stuck in that cycle, you're just constantly telling yourself just this much. The problem is, once you do this much of the substance, the floodgates are open. And time after time, you end up using more than you intended to use. In fact, that's one of the official criteria for having a substance use disorder. Now, these next two are a little bit more specific directly to you. Now, number three is that your spouse is lying to themselves about you. You see, inside the mind of someone that has a substance abuse problem, they almost always villainize their closest loved one. It's kind of a psychological defense mechanism for how they continue to sort of like emotionally justify continuing to make bad decisions. So they're telling themselves that you're ridiculous, that you're over controlling, that you're over nagging, that you're making a big deal out of it, when it's not that you won't let go of the past, that you're always on their case, that you're constantly critical of them. The list goes on. I bet you've heard some of these things before, right? You know like when you get in an argument and you two start fighting each other and saying all kind of mean things, those are probably some of the things that they say to you. Because, see, here's the deal. If they can stay mad and upset at you, it creates a diversion for them having to think about what they're doing and the choices that they're making. That's why on this channel, I talk so much about staying out of the bad guy role, which is the perfect lead in for number four. Reason why your spouse seems to be choosing a substance over you is the fact that probably during the course of this whole addiction thing taking over, you become kind of a crazy person, right? You've either turned into a doormat because you're so scared of starting a fight that you just let anything and everything go, or you've turned into, like, a police officer or a probation officer where you're constantly trying to catch them, and you're locked into this power struggle, which is causing you to do all kinds of things that you normally wouldn't do. And the problem is all of these things that you're doing, the trying to prove that there's a problem, trying to get it to stop, trying to get them to see how much they're hurting you. All of those behaviors are actually pushing your spouse further and further away from you. Now, I know none of the things I've said so far are fair. There's nothing about this situation that's fair to you. But unfortunately, that's just how addiction works. So let's stop and think about what all of that means. They can't see that they're causing the problem, and they don't feel like it's really a conflict. They don't feel like they're choosing one over the other. They're constantly promising themselves that they're gonna cut it back. And lastly, you've turned into a person that you don't even recognize anymore. And so, to be honest, when you start giving them these ultimatums of choose me or choose the drug, this is gonna be hurtful. You ready? They're thinking in their head, mmm, I think I'll choose alcohol, or I think I'll choose the drug. Now, they may not be saying that to you, but chances are that's the thought that's crossed their mind. And it's a combination of all of things that I just explained to you. So if you think about it for just a second to think about it from their point of view, if you've got this substance over here which numbs all of my pain makes me feel great, makes me feel good about myself. You got that? Versus a spouse over here that's done lost their mind, going crazy, blaming you for everything, constantly telling you what a loser you are, giving you ultimatums saying you don't love me, you don't do anything. Right? Look at the competition. The situation is off balance again. I know that that is not fair. So don't come after me. I'm just trying to explain to you from their point of view. Now remember, their point of view is very skewed, but nonetheless, this is how they see it. Once you understand that, you can probably wrap your mind around what it's going to take to get those scales to tip a little bit further in your favor. You see, the substance causes them some negative emotion too, right? When bad things, when they don't do something they were supposed to do if they have legal charges. So there is some negative over there, but in their mind it's like mostly positive with some negative sprinkled in. And most of their interactions with you lately have been mostly negative. What you want to do is get that scale to tip. And this is how you, as the spouse can overcome addiction. This is how you can make your spouse see more clearly what they're choosing and what they're not choosing. You can change the way you're interacting with your spouse and you begin to be more pleasant to be around. The situation starts to look a little different and they start to consider things a little bit more differently. Remember these three S's. Number one, be strategic. We talk about that on this channel all the time. And knowing these things that I'm telling you right now, that's being strategic because you know what you're up against. And you're going to stop emotionally fallen into these negative cycles and you're going to get smarter than addiction. And that's how you're going to beat it. The second S that I want you to remember is be sympathetic. And it's really hard to be sympathetic when all of the choices that they're making are hurting you or causing financial problems or causing all kind of family disruption. But just remember that it's like a villain that has a hold of your spouse. And so if you can express some amount of sympathy to your spouse and understanding about their point of view and their side of the situation, that's going to again, make you more appealing. And lastly, you need to be strong. And by being strong, what I mean is you got to get control of your emotions. You do need to hold healthy boundaries for yourself. So it's this balance between not letting the addiction run over you completely, but also not losing your mind and turning into a crazy investigator, power struggle maniac of a person. You got to be strong and centered, strategic and sympathetic. And once you do those things, your side of the street over here is going to look a lot more appealing. And what they're going to notice at that point is how much negative there is over here. You see, this starts to look better and this starts to look worse. And that's how you get your spouse to start to see things differently. Now, if all that sounds really good to you, and you want to know the step by step process for making that happen, then consider being a part of our invisible intervention. Because inside the Invisible intervention, which is an online course, you'll learn exactly how to do these things, exactly how to tip those scales, and get your spouse to choose recovery, sobriety, and most of all, their family over the addiction. Now I get it. Sometimes it comes to the point where it's like, I can't take this anymore. And you may be thinking about, I don't know if I want to stay and try to help them or not, or if I just want to get out of this situation. If you're trying to make that decision, then I want you to watch this video next. It's about when to walk away.
