Why They Lie About Drinking /Using—Even When You Already Know

Have you ever confronted someone about their drinking or using when both of you knew the truth? You could hear it in their voice. You could see it in their face. Maybe you found the bottle or you saw the receipt and they still said, what? I haven't, I haven't been drinking. I didn't use. That moment can make you furious because they're asking you to ignore your own eyes, ears, your instincts. But the lie is not always designed to convince you. Often it's designed to protect them from what telling the truth would force them to face next, like the shame, the consequences, the disappointment, like losing access to the alcohol or the drug, or a much bigger conversation about the problem that they really just don't want to have. Understanding that doesn't really excuse the lying because yes, the lying damages the trust. It keeps the problem going. But if you misunderstand what the lie is doing, you're going to respond in a way that makes the denial even stronger. So today we're talking about why people deny their drinking, using, whatever the thing is, when the truth is obvious. And why more proof often does not produce more honesty. What to do instead of getting trapped in another courtroom-style argument. Now, today's live is sponsored by Soberlink, and later I'll explain how Soberlink can help families step out of the detective role and create a clear accountability structure. But before we get into that, if you haven't already subscribed to Put the Shovel Down, that's this YouTube channel. Now's a good time to do that because here we talk about addiction, denial, boundaries, creating change without waiting for people to hit bottom. All right. Tell me in the chat, have you ever known the truth but still felt desperate to get the other person to admit it? It's like you already know what's happening, but there's something inside of you that feels like they need to admit it to me. Have you ever been caught in that trap of a conversation? Probably not even a conversation. It's probably more like an argument, right? Well, the thing of it is not every lie comes from the same place. Sometimes the person is just avoiding the consequences or just preserving or protecting the addiction. Sometimes the denial will come out automatically because the truth feels threatening. I can't tell you how many clients I've had. I've literally had people tell me, they're like, if I get asked, have I been drinking or have I been using, I will automatically lie no matter what. It's like a reflex. It's like, It's like you catch the kid with their hand in the cookie jar and they're like, no, I haven't. Even though it's obvious, right? It's so obvious to both of you, but yet they hang on to saying, no, I didn't. It really can be almost like a reflex because the truth really does feel threatening. Okay. First off, the lie protects them from the next conversation, the one where they have to admit what's happening and they know what's coming. How much did you drink? Why did you lie? Why are you— what are you going to do about all this? Are you willing to get help now? Because saying no delays that entire chain of events, the lie. Not only that, but it also protects their identity, right? And even though you and them both know if they can lie, they can probably get you into argument, right? And once the argument starts, we get deflected into All kinds of side conversations and other problems that are going on. And a lot of times it just buys time to figure out what to do. Admitting what's happening, admitting the one episode can feel a lot bigger than saying, yes, I drank. It feels like admitting a bigger thing. Like, you were right. Yes, I have a problem. And even bigger than that is, yes, I have a problem that's so big I may need to give this up. The lie is protecting from the shame. It's not personal. It's not about you. It's not because they think you're stupid, right? They don't think you're an idiot. It's an automatic defense mechanism most of the time. And people assume that shame, that shameful feeling would make someone be honest. But most of the time it does the exact opposite. The mind just starts immediately searching for the exit because shame is such a strong emotion. It's nearly intolerable and we'll do almost anything to just make the feeling go away. Maybe they did notice. Maybe it was only 2. Maybe you are overreacting, but denial can also protect the option to drink again. And an honest admission will lead to a bunch of stuff they probably don't want, like you saying they need to go to treatment or more monitoring or removing the alcohol. Or then you have to say where you got it, especially if it's drugs. And then it's like a person that you're going to want them to remove from their life. Or just expectations about sobriety in general. If part of the person's not ready to give up the substance or gambling or whatever it is, the denial protects that option. It's basically protecting that addiction. Sometimes saying, I didn't drink, or I didn't use, or no, I didn't gamble, or I didn't look at porn, whatever that is. It really means I can't deal with this conversation right now. In fact, that's a lot more likely what that statement really means. Now, again, that doesn't make it okay to lie, but it helps explain why more proof isn't going to create more honesty, right? Because you know what happened. You say, did you do it? They say, no, I didn't. And then you start putting your evidence out there. I always like to say you get your PowerPoint out, you get your evidence bags ready, you get your fingerprinting kit out, whatever, and you start trying to give them more evidence because you think that having a factual conversation is going to help, but they feel like they're fighting for their identity, their freedom. It's like an emotional survival, right? This is where families get stuck because you believe the person does not understand how much evidence you have. So you bring more evidence, right? You show the receipt, you point out the slurred speech, you pull up the bank statement, you remind them what they said, and now the conversation feels like a trial. In fact, it kind of is like the person's on trial. You become the prosecutor and they become the defense attorney. Your job becomes proving the case and their job becomes finding one technicality or another way to put you on trial instead. Put your hand up emoji in the chat if you've ever been on either side of this conversation, if you've ever been accused and immediately went into that defense mechanism posture, or if you've ever felt like you're trying to get someone to admit the truth and somehow you ended up being the bad guy or you ended up on trial, like they'll bring up something bad that you did or how you're not perfect. And now we're talking about that. Put your hand emoji up if you've been on either side of that. Because when that happens, suddenly the conversation is about why you check the trash, about why you don't trust them, about that you looked at their phone or you sounded disrespectful or you never believe them. And some of those concerns, in fact, most of those concerns may deserve a separate conversation. There may be some truth in that, but notice what happens when those things get brought up. The focus moves away from whatever happened, the drinking, the using, the gambling, whatever that is, onto your method of discovering it. The harder you push, the more threatened they feel, and the more threatened they feel, the more defensive they become. And the more defensive they become, the more desperate you get to prove reality, right? Because it's not just making them admit they did something. It's basically trying to get them to admit that you're not crazy, right? Because by not admitting it, it's basically saying you're making this up or you're overreacting or you're jumping to conclusions. And what you're— you get dug in. Our ego can get dug into this because it's like, no, you need to admit that I know what I'm talking about here. Now we're in a totally different power struggle. You know what's going on. They know what's going on. But it's just not working to get them to admit it, right? That's the cycle, right? The harder you push, the more threatened they feel. The more threatened they feel, the more defensive they become. That's the cycle. You think a confession will make the change possible, but the admission under pressure is not necessarily insight. Like, even if you do get them to admit it, it doesn't mean that they have insight. Because someone can confess just to end the conversation and still have no intention of changing. And someone can continue to deny it while you still have enough information to make decisions. You do not need their confession to trust the pattern that you're seeing. You can say, I'm not going to argue with what I'm seeing. I'm not going to ask you to agree with me. I'm not going to make my decision based On what you say, right? I'm going to make my decision based on the pattern, not whether or not you confess. That moves you out of the courtroom situation, right? That takes you out of the prosecutor role. And I think right now this is a good time to bring in Soberlink. You know, I told you Soberlink was the sponsor. If you've been watching my videos for long, you probably know I'm a huge Soberlink fan. In fact, when I found Soberlink, I was really mad that I was like, man, I could have invented that. I could have thought about that. Because it's one thing that can take you out of this whole courtroom kind of thing, right? This whole trying to make them admit it thing. Now I'm going to talk to you a little bit about Soberlink, but I do want to sort of preface this by saying, if someone is still actively trying to drink and use, as in, well, let me say this in reverse. If someone's not actively trying to be sober, Soberlink probably is not your best tactic. But if someone really is trying and maybe they've had a lapse or maybe they've struggled or whatever it is, but they're serious about getting sober, that's where Soberlink comes in because it's going to keep all of these conversations from happening. Because one of the most destructive dynamics in the family affected by the alcohol is the consistent guessing, right? Because maybe you think they have, maybe they haven't, right? And they feel like it's a giant accusation. So you got to get out of this cycle somehow, right? You want to be done with that questioning yourself, questioning them. Are they sober? Are they lying? Should you believe them? Do I need to check their breath or search the house? Because the uncertainty is going to consume the relationship, right? If this is a partner relationship and you're dealing with spouses, now you're not spouses anymore. You're not partners. You're like probation officer, parolee, or something like that. that, right? It takes you out of a partnership. If someone truly is trying to stay sober, Soberlink, it does more than just the alcohol monitoring, right? Because it provides the structure and accountability, which actually makes staying sober easier. But in this kind of situation, especially for the family member, what it does most importantly is it helps the trust come back so much faster because they feel like— Family member feels like they can turn in their badge. I don't have to be the police officer detective thing anymore. I can let go of that because it's being monitored. Because the Soberlink is a professional-grade breathalyzer. This is different than one you could just go to the store and buy. I know you can get a breathalyzer anywhere. The thing that makes it most effective, it's the facial recognition part. That's the first part of what makes it effective because Soberlink, unlike other devices, I know there are other devices that have facial recognition, but they don't have it in the device itself. It's in an app or something like that. And then having it in the device itself is what's important because that's what makes it tamper-proof, right? The facial recognition verifies who's taking the test. Now, the other thing that makes it so effective is that you can put it on autopilot. It's like a Remember that old infomercial? It used to say, set it and forget it, right? It takes you out of having to ask. It takes the person, if you're the person being tested, it takes them from having to have this horrible conversation or from knowing that you're giving them the side eye or that you're smelling their breath. They don't have to worry that you're not trusting them all the time. You don't have to worry about whether you should bring it up or not because it's being handled in the background, right? You set a system. You set some times that the person knows they're going to be tested because the goal here is not to catch someone. When you're in that pattern of trying to catch them by saying, have you been drinking or have you been using? You're trying to catch them. And that does not help someone stay sober. It maybe helps them become better at sneaking and hiding sometimes and more sophisticated at their lying or their defense mechanisms, but it doesn't help them get sober. So Soberlink's not about catching someone. It's not about policing them. It really is about, the way I tell it to my clients, it's about getting ahead of those sneaky thoughts, right? Because let's say you're trying really hard to do the right thing and your spouse is going to be gone for the weekend, or maybe they're just gone to Target or out with their friends for a few hours. And then you think, oh, I can have just a couple. Because this is the automatic sneaky thoughts that happen, especially at the beginning of sobriety. You can't help it. It just happens, right? You're so used to snaking that when you have the opportunity, I call it the coast is clear trigger, you just immediately want to fall back into that same old pattern. Well, this gets ahead of it because you know that whether or not the person's standing in front of you or not, you've already decided you're not going to drink because you're being monitored. It really does bring a lot of peace to both sides. And then you decide who's going to be the designated support person because that person will get alerted if If they miss a test or they're positive or they're late or something like that. It doesn't have to be the spouse. It can be whoever. It can be the spouse. It can also be the therapist or the coach or the sponsor or the cousin or the best friend who's helpful, whatever. And it can be more than one person. That's why this works so much. When it's appropriate, it's mutually agreed on. This isn't something you force someone to do. If someone's decided to not drink, it's not going to do you a lot of good. So timing is critical. Really important here. If someone's truly in denial, then you want to back up, right? If someone's truly trying to stay sober, you use Soberlink. If someone's in denial, we do something else, right? But a clear system will reduce the arguments, right? You don't have to guess. The person is showing you that they mean it. It creates willingness and it reduces uncertainty, right? Now, if the issue isn't trying to help someone stay sober, but they're not even in the action stage of change, some of you guys have seen my videos on the stages of change. Remember what they are? They're precontemplation, which is fancy for denial basically, right? Contemplation, which means they're thinking about it, but they don't really think it's that big of a problem. They don't need to stop, right? Thinking about it, contemplation. Preparation means maybe they're taking some steps to research and figure out what they can do. And then there's that action stage. When someone gets in the action stage, that's when monitoring can be helpful. But before that, if they're in that pre-contemplation or even that contemplation stage, you're dealing with denial. I would not. Advise something like that yet, right? It's not the right time. Timing is really important in the recovery process. When you're dealing with denial, you got to deal with the denial first. Don't be saying things like, you need to go to treatment, if someone doesn't think they have a problem because it makes you lose all credibility. They're like, you're a freaking idiot. I don't have a problem. You're crazy. And then when they see you that way, they dismiss everything you think because they think that you're just Completely insane. You're magnifying everything, that you're overreacting. And they put you in that category of overreactor or into this, you think everyone's a drug addict category or whatever. And then they don't listen to anything you say. So you have to match people where they're at in their change process. If someone's in denial and you're pushing them to try to force them to see that it's a problem, try to force them to get help, Try to force them to promise they're not going to do it anymore or whatever, you're going to either run up against some kind of defense mechanism, which looks like minimizing, lying, rationalizing, blaming you, pointing out something that you've done wrong in the past to say, hey, you're not perfect either. That's really just deflection, basically, deflecting the conversation. You're going to run into that or they're just going to completely shut down, which is still just a defense mechanism. You got to have other techniques. If you're dealing with denial, then the resource for you would be the Denial Breakthrough Intensive, which is coming up not next week, but the next week, depending on when you're watching this. We do it every 8 or 9 weeks. So if you're watching this late, you can still check out the Denial Breakthrough. You can check the link in the description and it'll tell you when the next one is. But If you're watching right now live, the next one is August 3rd through the 6th. So you definitely want to get your seat because that's what we're going to deal with in there. How to help someone see the problem without being the bad guy, without arguing, without nagging, without any of that negative stuff. It's a much more effective, faster, more efficient way than this whole power struggle thing that's so easy to get locked into. Right? Because like we were talking about before, even if they know it and you know it, if you confront someone head on, it's almost, you're just going to immediately get that defensive posture, that anger, that shutdown. This makes you more frustrated. It makes both of you more frustrated. And that's just not the way to go about it. There are more effective ways. So if it's denial, check out the Denial Breakthrough. Right. If someone's actively trying to change and it's alcohol, check out Soberlink. And if it's not alcohol, there's other methods out there. There are other recovery monitoring systems. You just want a system, right? The goal here is to get out of the power struggle because it's not helping either of you. It's making both sides feel terrible. It's pitting you against each other. And obviously you're two people that really do care about each other, right? This is your loved one. You have positive feelings about each other. And if you want to get out of that, You got to have other techniques. I know how easy it is to get into our emotional brains because not only is it that the person struggling gets defensive, the family member gets defensive too. They get angry, upset, say and do all the wrong things, even though they've watched 100 Amber videos. As the family member, how many times have you caught yourself automatically lying? Right. You accuse them and they say, You said you weren't going to go through my stuff anymore or whatever. And you're like, I didn't, or I was just doing the laundry. And you know you're lying too, right? You see how both sides get into this automatic defensive posture, which is doing us no good. Both sides start sneaking and lying and hiding, and you're just caught in this cat and mouse situation. You got to get out of that. It's not taking you anywhere. In fact, That situation will make an addiction problem power struggle go on for years and years and years longer than what it would. Because a lot of times people, even when they're denying it to you out loud, they really do know deep down inside that it's a problem. Maybe not calling it addiction or something. And maybe they don't think they need to quit completely, but they know it's a problem on some level. And there are a part of them that really does want to change, but when you lock in with them, they are power struggling with you, even though they do want to change. But now it's like a pride issue. Now it's like an autonomy issue and a, you're not the boss of me and you can't control me. And so they dig in when actually they're a lot closer to change than they would be. So get out of that power struggle. One of the first things you can do if you're in this, I accuse them and they lie situation is don't ask a question you know the answer to. That's the simplest thing you could do. Don't say, have you been doing X, Y, or Z when you know it's happening? Because you're going to get that automatic lie, which is going to make you furious, right? Because it's the lying more than anything else that makes us so dang upset, right? So just don't ask the question. Make a strategic decision about whether pointing it out is helpful or not, because sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, right? If you need to point it out because it's the strategic decision, then just Say, hey, I noticed, or hey, I see that blank has happened, or whatever. And watch your tone when you say it, but don't ask it in a question form because you really do get that automatic denial response, which makes everybody so much more upset. I know if you're watching this video, you've been in this situation on one side or the other. I should see a lot of hand emojis in that chat or comments. So I want to hear from you guys. In just a second, Bree is going to put your comments and questions and concerns and stories up here for us to react to so you can join the conversation. So go ahead and get those put in there because Bree's back there and she's looking for them now. And while you guys do that, the links to all those resources we talked about are in the description. If you want to get out of this power struggle, do something different, right? Check out one of those resources. And there's a ton of free resources on our website anyway. If you go to our website, there's a tab up there that says free resources, right? And there's tons of things you can download, you can access immediately. So check all that out. All right, Bree, what do we have? Do we have some good questions right there? All right, here's our first one from Amber Bean. Oh, I like your profile name there. Question is, what if your loved one is asking you to be the person to push them, like take a step, meetings, therapy, rehab, call someone, et cetera? He wants to get sober. And had some clean time, but now is struggling to get back into working a program and asked me just to push him to take the first step. That's interesting. I don't usually hear people say, push me to go to meetings or something like that. I do hear people say sometimes, hold my medicine and only give it to me, or don't give me money if I ask you. Which is tough because it's putting you back into that bad guy role. So this is tricky because even when they're asking you, it could still blow up in your face. Even if they're saying, hold me accountable, and then you do hold them accountable, they can get really ugly about it. So if you're going to agree to it, then say, okay, I'm happy to do that. I'm happy I'll— and come up with a system on how you're going to do that. Agree to a system. You can ask them, if I think that you're being sketchy, or if I think that you've messed up, how do you want me to approach you? Right. Come up with agreed-upon system for how you're going to either push them to take the steps or confront them if you think they're being dishonest. And then say, hey, if I do this and you get really angry or blow up, I'm not going to do that anymore. So make that part of the system, right? Because say, I'm here to help you. I'm not here to be like the principal. We're on the same side. So if it's working, yes, I'll do that. But if it gets ugly, I'm not going to do that anymore because it's obviously not helping you. And it's definitely not helping me. So come up with some agreements on that. Next question says, my alcoholic's psychiatrist says he needs to take mood stabilizer meds before getting sober. Have you seen this to be the case? Because it doesn't sound right to us. Okay. You put me in a bad situation here, Psych6920. Because I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not a doctor. I can't prescribe meds. I can't tell you what to take and what not to take. And if this is your person's psychiatrist, maybe there's a reason why they're saying it. So I'm going to speak to this topic just generally and what I've seen with other people, but please don't take this as advice for what you should do or not do with meds because I'm not qualified to do that. And I don't even know the whole history. So, um, I do think that sometimes dealing with other mental health things, whether that's trauma, depression, anxiety, whatever it is, sometimes dealing with those things at the same time can be really helpful. I haven't seen, take this for what it is, I haven't seen it to be helpful to try to deal with the depression with a med or something like that first. Thinking that, because the thought sometimes can be, if the depression is causing the addiction or anxiety's causing the addiction, if we deal with that, maybe the addiction will go away. I have not seen that to be the case. In fact, I haven't seen it to be the case that you can effectively deal with those things from a medication perspective while someone's still using, because it's not so much that the medicine can hurt. I'm not really against doing it because I don't really think it's going to hurt. I just don't know if it's going to help, I guess what I'm saying, because the mood stabilizer might be trying to do something neurochemically in their brain that could be helpful, but you're undoing it by pouring poison on top of it nonstop. It's going to undo anything. And if it's an anxiety med, sometimes that can hurt because you can't drink on those. But I'm talking about an antidepressant or something. So I can't tell you what to do and not do on meds. I'm not overly worried about it. I don't really know that it's going to hurt anything. I just I just haven't seen that to be the case. Because a lot of times people will say the same thing with trauma, maybe someone's using to deal with PTSD symptoms or something. And so you think, oh, if I go get treatment for that trauma, the addiction will go away. Once you've moved into addiction territory, it's become its own problem. Even if it started because of something else, now it's its own thing and you're probably going to have to deal with both. So I typically say dealing with it simultaneously is really good, or sometimes dealing with the addiction first to see what's left, because a lot of times a lot of those mental health symptoms just get better when the addiction's out of the picture for a while and then deal with it. So that's my personal or professional history with the situation, but take that for what it is. All right. Amber Bean says he want— again, says he— oh wait, he took it away. Hold on. That was the last question, I think. Here we go. Says, what if they think they can handle just a few and it turns bad? Is it best just to leave for the night and talk to them when they're sober? All right. I'm going to take this question because there's, um, you're, you're asking how to deal with that when it turns bad, which I'm going to answer for you, Rise and Shine. But before I do that, I do want to say this. Because this comes up a lot. Let's say someone's been sober for a while, but they're like, they've been doing good, but they're like, well, I just want to have a drink with dinner. Or maybe they haven't been sober, but they're like, I'll be fine as long as I don't drink much or something like that. Super, super common. If someone has that on their mind, sometimes they'll even ask you, are you okay with that? This is tricky. This is a trick question. question. So tread carefully here. Okay? Because if you say, no, I'm not okay with that, I promise you it's going to happen anyway. It may not happen right then and there that night in front of you, but it's happening because it means they have it in their head that they can do just a little. And there's no way to get on the other side of that other than to let them try. Right? So if they're asking you that, be very careful about how you respond. You can say, it makes me a little nervous, but I'm going to trust that you're going to deal with this. You could say that. But if you say no, you're going to be the bad guy role. They're going to do it anyway later or in front of your face or whatever. It's not going to go well. So if they think they can handle just a few and it turns bad, it's actually recovery-wise, not the worst thing ever, right? Because that's the only way to get on the other side of this, I can have just a few, is for them to try it and for it to turn bad. Now to go with your question, which I think what you're asking is what the heck do I do in that moment when the situation is bad? Yeah. Leave for the night. Don't try to talk to them about it then. Definitely don't say, see, I told you you couldn't drink this of you, or I told you this would happen. Do not try to reason with someone when they're intoxicated, especially when they're intoxicated and things are going south. Okay. Definitely. You just want to think about safety. In that situation. And then if you're going to talk to them while they're sober, hang on to your belt buckle here because this is going to surprise you. But if you can muster it up, the most effective thing as far as helping that person is to, when you talk to them about it, have empathy for them. So instead of saying, I can't believe you did that, or are you getting it now? Are you going to get help? Do you see now that it doesn't go? Don't do all that I told you so stuff. Say, I know it's not the way you meant for that to turn out. I know you're feeling terrible about it. Because if you say that, what they're going to say is, yeah, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. I can't believe I did that again. They're going to be emotionally vulnerable with you, which is going to help them move in their stages of change. Whereas even if they do feel terrible about it and they know it went bad and they really are remorseful about it, if you confront it with an I told you so or a press or a pressure, they're going to defend what happened. Which keeps them stuck further in denial. So yes, take care of yourself. Talk to them about it later. And if possible, do it with empathy. It'll be more effective. What do you recommend when a person with alcohol addiction is still lying, but a health crisis is imminent? He nearly died before, so we know the signs. Okay. There's a couple of ways to think about this. You could do a full-out old-school intervention if things are dire and it's not even a question about whether someone's in denial about— maybe someone is in denial about being an alcoholic. They're just so far gone. They're just lying about it, but they just can't stop. Or they're using drugs to that extent, whatever it is. Sometimes in those situations, an old school, like you see on TV, it's called a Johnson Model style intervention where you sit in a circle, you kind of surprise them, you read the letters. Sometimes that can be helpful because sometimes people have to get sober long enough for their brain to decide to think clearly, for their brain to think clearly enough for them to decide to stay sober. If the person is truly in denial, as in they don't think it's a problem, Even if it seems very clear to everyone else, even if we got cirrhosis or something else, even if there's been overdoses, if the person truly is in denial, they don't think it's a problem or they don't think it's that big of a problem, I don't suggest doing that old school kind of intervention because even if you get them to go to treatment, they'll still come back out and use again. Because like I said before, there's only one way to get on the other side of, I can do it just a little bit. And that is to learn that that doesn't work. So if it's denial, you want to do some different techniques. You can look at the Denial Breakthrough. We have a program called the Invisible Intervention, which is more effective in those situations. So the question isn't how bad is the addiction? The question is, what's their level of awareness in their stages of change? That's what's going to depend on how you respond. And I know that's really hard, especially when it feels like things are critical. to take it slow and to do these techniques. But I promise you, doing it otherwise is only like dragging it out longer. It feels faster, but it's not. If you feel impatient, like we have to do something now, I got to confront this person, we got to make it happen. But it really only just draws it out. It doesn't make it faster. So, all right. Bree says we're to the end of our time for today. Thank you guys for hanging out with me and for asking such really great questions. I'll be here with you again next Thursday at 1. And hey, drop in the comments for me what topics you guys want to hear more about, right? Because I'm always looking for new topics. What ideas, what topics, what situations do you want to hear about? And so we can get those videos made for you, or we can maybe even do them on next week's live. All right, I'll see you soon. Resources in the description. Bye everybody.