Why You Keep Getting Pulled Back Into the Same Toxic Cycle

You've had the same fight so many times you could practically hand everybody a script. They already know what you're going to say. You know when they're going to become defensive. You know when you're going to lose your patience. You know who will eventually shut down and who will apologize and who will promise that it'll never happen again. Then after all that, things calm down for a few days or maybe even a few weeks. It seems like something's finally changed, but eventually you end up right back in the same old place. That's what makes toxic cycles So exhausting. It's not just that something painful happened; it's that the same thing keeps happening, even though everybody involved says they want it to stop. And one of the biggest reasons these cycles keep repeating is that we focused almost all of our attention on the worst behavior in the cycle, like the drinking, the lying, the yelling, the cheating, the disappearing, the interrogating, the threatening, the rescuing, the four-hour conversation where you try to make someone understand something they probably already understand. Those behaviors, yes, they. They have real consequences. I'm not suggesting we excuse them or ignore them or pretend that they're harmless, but the behavior you can see usually is not where the cycle started. It's often the last domino to fall. By the time somebody drinks, explodes, lies, checks, controls, rescues, or shuts down, the cycle may have already been building inside of them for hours, days, or even weeks. And if you only address the final behavior without understanding what keeps producing it, you might stop one incident without really changing the cycle. That's what we're going to talk about today, how to recognize the cycle earlier while there's still a genuine opportunity to interrupt it. Now, before we get too far into it, make sure you subscribe to this channel because here on this channel, Put the Shovel Down, we talk about addiction, toxic relationship patterns, denial, boundaries, how to create real change without waiting for everything to fall apart. And if you know someone who keeps getting pulled back into the same old pattern, send them this video. Sometimes seeing the cycle clearly is the first step to changing it. The behavior gets all the attention when something painful happens. Our attention naturally goes to the most obvious thing, the behavior we're trying to stop. Maybe your partner yelled at you. Maybe your adult child lied to you about money. Maybe you found another bottle. Maybe someone disappeared for 2 days and came home acting as though nothing even happened. Or maybe you're the person who sent 30 text messages, checked the bank account 12 times, searched the house, or Kept pushing the conversation long after it was clear that nobody was listening anymore. Whatever the behavior is, why did you do that? You can't keep doing this. Promise me this will never happen again. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just tell me the truth? But those questions are aimed at the very end of the process. They focus on the behavior instead of what happened immediately before the behavior. And that's really important because the most destructive behavior, even though it's destructive, it's doing something for the person in the moment. It may help them escape. It may help them numb out. It may help them feel powerful. It may temporarily lower their anxiety. Maybe it helps them avoid shame or stop feeling helpless. That behavior can still be irrational, hurtful, unfair, or completely unacceptable, but it usually isn't random. The cycle begins before the behavior. Here's the pattern. There's a trigger. That trigger creates an uncomfortable feeling. The person attaches a meaning or a story to the feeling, and then they use an automatic behavior to get relief. That behavior produces some kind of short-term payoff, but it also creates long-term damage, and the long-term damage produces more of the original uncomfortable feelings. So the cycle begins again. It looks like this. First is the trigger, then the feeling, then the story, then the behavior, then the relief, the consequence, and repeat. Most people spend all their energy fighting over the behavior part of this formula, but if we want to understand why the behavior keeps returning, we have to look at what came before it. The 3 layers beneath the behavior. I want you to start thinking about patterns in these 3 layers. Layer 1, the invisible behavior. This is the part everybody argues about. You know, the part where they drank, they lied, they exploded, they shut down, they checked your phone, they interrogated you, they rescued you from another consequence, they threatened to leave and then took it back. This is the most obvious layer, but it may not be the most important one. Now, layer 2, the feeling underneath it. Right before the behavior, there's usually an uncomfortable emotional state. It may be shame, fear, rejection, inadequacy, loneliness, resentment, powerlessness, boredom, feeling controlled, feeling unimportant, feeling trapped. The person may not consciously recognize the feeling. They may simply know that something inside of them feels intolerable and they want it to stop. Now, layer 3, this is the meaning that we attach to that feeling. This is often where the emotional reaction becomes much bigger. It isn't just, I feel uncomfortable. It turns into, I'm failing, I'm trapped, or they don't respect me, or I'm losing control, or they're going to leave me, or I'm not good enough, or nothing will ever change, or I have to fix this right now. We don't only react to what happened, we react to what we believe it means. Here's a relationship example. Let's say one person feels ignored. That's the trigger. Or as Kim in our office likes to say, that's the activator. Underneath that, they might feel rejected, unimportant, or afraid the relationship is slipping away. Then the story begins. Here's how the story sounds. They don't care about me. I'm the only one trying. If I don't force this conversation, nothing will ever get resolved. So they push, they ask another question, they raise their voice, they follow the other person into another room. They keep explaining, and the other person begins feeling criticized, cornered, controlled, inadequate. And their story sounds something like this: I can never do anything right. They're trying to control me. No matter what I say, it won't be enough. So they shut down, they become defensive, and that makes the first person feel even more rejected. And then that makes the second person feel even more controlled. Both people walk away convinced that the other person caused The entire problem. But the cycle didn't start with yelling or shutting down. It started earlier with the feeling neither person knew how to handle effectively. Let's take a look at how this works in addiction. Addiction makes this cycle especially powerful because alcohol and drugs can alter an internal state very quickly. Someone may say, I just wanted a drink, but when we look underneath it, the experience may have been something like, I felt like a failure. I felt Criticized. I felt bored and empty. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't shut my brain off. I felt controlled, and the drinking felt like one thing nobody could take away from me. The substance provides immediate relief, and that relief is real. That's part of why the behavior becomes so strongly reinforced. But then the drinking or drug use creates consequences. The person lies, they disappoint people, they miss work, they break promises, create financial problems, damage trust, and Now they have even more shame, fear, resentment, and inadequacy than they had to start with. And what's the fastest way to escape those feelings? The substance. That is the addictive cycle. The behavior that temporarily relieves the feeling eventually creates more of the same feeling. That's why focusing only on stopping the drinking or drug use is incomplete. Obviously, the substance use needs to stop, but long-term recovery requires learning how to recognize and tolerate the emotional states that previously triggered or activated the desire to escape. Otherwise, the person's trying to remove their primary coping strategy without developing a new way to cope. Understanding this is not excusing it. I want to be really clear here. Understanding the destructive behavior doesn't excuse the behavior. It does not mean that the family has to tolerate lying, financial chaos, aggression, dangerous behavior, repeated broken agreements. It does not mean every harmful action should be explained away because somebody felt ashamed or afraid. Understanding the mechanism just helps us respond more strategically. Accountability is still necessary. Boundaries are still necessary. Consequences are still real, but punishment alone does not teach someone what to do with shame, fear, resentment, rejection, emotional discomfort. The next time those feelings appear, you can hold someone responsible for their behavior while still understanding what keeps driving it. Those two things are not opposite. Let's take a look at how this cycle works for the family member. Family members can become trapped in their own version of the cycle. Like, you discover something concerning. Maybe money's missing. Maybe their behavior seems off. Maybe you find alcohol. Maybe they're late or unreachable, or they're obviously lying. Now, what's underneath that? You feel afraid, angry, betrayed, helpless, and that's where the story starts, right? The story sounds like, I have to get control of this. If I don't stop this, something terrible will happen. I have to make them admit the truth. I need to know exactly what happened. If I say this right now, maybe they'll finally understand. So what do you do? You start checking, questioning, following, searching, lecturing, threatening, rescuing, explaining, trying to force them to recognize how serious this problem has become. And those actions, they give you a brief feeling that you're doing something. For a few minutes, you feel less helpless because you're taking action. But those actions don't necessarily create lasting safety or change. Sometimes they create more Defensiveness, more secrecy, more conflict. Then you feel even more afraid and out of control. So the next time something happens, you push even harder. The family member may use control to escape hopelessness. That doesn't mean these behaviors are equal. The consequences and the responsibilities may be very different. But it does mean that both people become trapped in a short-term relief strategy that makes the long-term problem worse. Let's talk about why you get pulled back in. Another reason toxic cycles are so difficult to break. is because they aren't bad all the time. Like, for example, after the explosion, there may be relief. Someone apologizes, or they become affectionate, or suddenly someone seems motivated. They stop drinking for several days. They start helping around the house. They say exactly what you've been wanting to hear, and then the tension drops and the hope returns. And that hopeful period feels like evidence that the problem has finally changed. But sometimes the hopeful part is simply another phase of the same cycle. The bad behavior creates a crisis. The crisis creates temporary motivation. The temporary improvement reduces the pressure. But once the pressure's gone, the deeper pattern remains unchanged. Eventually, the feelings build again, the same coping responses return, and everybody ends up back in the same old place. One of the most important things to understand is this: the hopeful part of the cycle may still be part of the cycle. Temporary improvement is not meaningless, but it's not the same as durable change. A heartfelt apology isn't the same as developing new skills. A few peaceful days are not the same as addressing the pattern. A promise is not the same as a plan. Now, how to interrupt the cycle? Okay, let's talk about that, because you interrupt the cycle by moving your attention to earlier in the process. Instead of asking, why did I do that? Start asking, what was I feeling immediately before I did it? What did I believe the situation meant? What was I feeling desperate to make stop? What short-term relief did this behavior give me? What did it cost me afterward? For someone struggling with an addiction, it might sound like, I noticed I wanted a drink immediately after I felt criticized. The thought underneath it was that I'm a failure or I'll never get this right. What they really wanted was to stop feeling ashamed. But now for the family member, maybe it sounds more like this. I noticed I started interrogating. When I felt uncertain, if I don't take control immediately, everything's going to fall apart. What the person, what the family member really wants is certainty. Yes, that doesn't solve everything, but it does create a pause between the feeling and the automatic response. And the pause is where the choice becomes possible. A practical way to catch yourself earlier. When you feel the cycle beginning, ask yourself questions. What am I actually feeling? Try to go underneath the anger. Is it Fear, rejection, shame, helplessness, disrespect, uncertainty. What story am I telling myself? What have you decided that this situation means? Have you decided it means they don't care or that you're losing control or that you're a failure or that this will never change or I have to fix this immediately? And then what do I feel compelled to do? Right? Do I feel like I want to drink, escape, force a confession, search, Rescue, threaten, keep talking, prove your point. What relief is the behavior trying to do? What's it promising? What feeling are you trying to make disappear? What response would match your values instead of your urgency? Fix this now. Make them admit it. Make the feeling stop. Get out of here. Do whatever gives immediate relief. But your values may say, tell the truth, protect safety, don't participate in the chaos. Don't make promises I can't keep. Allow the other person to experience the results of their choices. Ask for help instead of hiding. The goal is to stop allowing those feelings to make all the decisions. Now let me give you a pro tip. Expect the cycle to push back. When you stop playing your usual role, the cycle may intensify temporarily. Other person could become more defensive, or maybe they become more charming or more angry or helpless or accusatory or apologetic. That'll make you question yourself, and that'll make you think, The new approach is making everything worse. But sometimes what's actually happening is the old method of pulling you back into your familiar role is no longer working. Now, that doesn't mean you should stubbornly hold your ground regardless of safety or common sense, but discomfort is not always proof that you're doing something wrong. And this is where denial can make these cycles especially confusing. Sometimes the person genuinely cares, but shame, fear, and defensiveness are keeping them from facing the truth. Other times they're using defensiveness, blame, and temporary improvement to get the pressure off without making real change. From the outside, those 2 situations look very similar. That's exactly what we work on inside the Denial Breakthrough Intensive. During this 4-day intensive, I teach you how denial and defensiveness actually work together, how to lower resistance without minimizing the problem, and how to communicate in a way that makes it harder For the other person to keep avoiding what's happening. You'll learn how to stop getting trapped in the same arguments and start identifying what's actually driving the resistance. Now we have the Denial Breakthrough Challenge every 8 or 9 weeks. Now the next one we're having, if you're watching this right when it first comes out, is August 3rd through August 6th, and space is limited. Now I've put the link in the description below where you can find all the information about the intensive and the registration and all that kind of stuff. And if you're watching this past August, don't worry, we're probably having another one. If you click on the link, you can see the next dates. Now, of course, you cannot control every person involved in a toxic cycle. You can't force someone else to become honest, emotionally aware, sober, respectful, or ready to change. But you can become much more aware of the point where you get pulled into the cycle. Not only the moment when everything finally blows up, right? It's the moment before that you got to get ahold of. Feeling, the story, the urge, the automatic role you've played 100 times. This is where your leverage is because you don't break a toxic cycle by becoming better at fighting over the final behavior. You break it by recognizing what keeps producing that behavior and learning how to respond differently before the cycle takes over again.