Why Your Addicted Loved One NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY For Their Actions 😖

Okay, guys, today we're going to talk about how to get your addicted loved one to actually admit what they've done wrong. Now I know if you have a relationship with someone that has a substance abuse problem, then you're going to know exactly the frustration with catching them completely red handed, with knowing without a shadow of a doubt they did something. And literally no matter what you say, no matter how much evidence you have, they'll just deny it. They'll say, no, I'm not drinking. What are you talking about? They'll just be falling over drunk. I mean, it is crazy. And even my clients that I have, because you guys know that I usually see the person that has substance problem, they'll even tell me, they'll say, I don't know why, but if I'm drinking or I'm using someone ask me, like, I will lie till the very end. And they don't even understand themselves sometimes. They're like, I just can't tell it. Like the next day I'll admit it up, but at the time I won't admit it. So in this video we're going to talk some about how to get people to acknowledge things. But not just acknowledge, okay, I used or drank or whatever. But more than that, we want to sort of take a look at trying to. Because this is what families get really caught up in. Trying to get your loved one to like admit what they did to you or how it's hurting you or affecting you. So it's not even just about how to get them to admit they've used, relapsed, whatever. It's about getting them to acknowledge the detriment of their behaviors, the effects on you, you know, the fact that they tried to gaslight you or whatever else. So many families get really, really caught up in this. Now I've got six of these suggestions written down for you. And before I tell them to you, let me tell you this, you're gonna hate all of them. I'm serious. I was making this list, I was like, oh, they're definitely gonna hate number one. You're gonna hate number one worse than you hate the rest of them. But you're not gonna really be thrilled with all of these six suggestions. Now they work and they're effective, but you're gonna not exactly like them because you're gonna feel like you're not getting exactly what you want out of them. But Remember on this YouTube channel, if you're watching me on Facebook, then Facebook, if you, if you follow me, then you know I am all about Telling you not what's fair, not what should or shouldn't be what, but what works. That's my goal. My goal is to make sure that you have all the information, resources, support that you need to conquer addiction. That's what this is about. It's about winning the war. You may have to lose an argument or lose a battle, but we're going to win the war. And that's my goal for you guys. So I know the things I'm about to tell you. That's why I'm just, like, preemptively warning you here. The things I'm about to tell you, you're gonna be like, really, Amber? I clicked on this video for that. But they work well, all of them, except the first one. And the first one's kind of like a opposite thing. So, anyways, let's just get into it so you know what I'm talking about. Hey, Flapjack. Hey, Jennifer and Linda and Rita and Weston. Hey, Weston. Look at all my smiley faces. Pauline, we got lots of people on here watching, so if you're watching live, feel free to interact with me and chat. If you're catching it on the playback, you can interact with me on comments. And I try to go back and respond to comments. I try to get all of them. I don't always get all of them, but I do my best. Okay, ready for number one? This is going to be your least favorite of all the things I'm about to tell you. Ready? Stop trying to get them to admit it. What are you doing? Have you watched my videos? Like, every time. You're so busy trying to get them to admit it, all that's happening is they're building up a bigger wall. So if the issue is, like, I know you've been drinking or even using whatever, don't ask the question, just say you know it. Stated as a fact. Some of you may have heard me say that before. If the issue is you're trying to get them to admit, you know, that. I don't know, they're a bad dad. Whatever. I don't know. The more you come at them with that, the less likely you are going to be to get an admission. And even worse than that, worse than that, you. Not only are they not going to admit it to you, but you're literally preventing them from being able to even see it for themselves. Like, all that happens when you come at people directly like that is they get really defensive. And so not only they're not going to give you what you want, but they're just they're not even able to see it because they're going to spend so much time in either out loud with you saying it, and if not out loud in their own head thinking it about why you're all wrong, why that's not the case. And literally they're spending, they're like cementing in these defensive thoughts. You don't want to cause someone to say or think something that's against what you want them to say or think because it makes it more real to them. So the harder you push, the more dug in they're going to get. So my number one piece of advice is let go of trying to get them to admit it. You know what your goal should be is not to get them to admit it. That's not what you need to happen. Your goal is to get them to get it right. Your goal is to get them to see what they're doing for themselves. Like to like, be able to really clearly be honest with themselves about what's going on. That's the goal. That's what I mean when I say the difference in like, you know, like what you want out of the person and what's going to win this war. What's going to win this war is for them to see it for themselves. And that's why we. And I know you know that and that's why you want them to admit it. Because you think, well, if they admit it, that means they can see it. Even if you're getting your loved one to admit the thing to you out loud, they probably don't even mean it if they are admitting it to you, because in their head they're going to be defensive because that's the way we all feel when we're pushed like that. So telling you stop trying to get them to admit it, put your efforts into getting them to see it. Okay, now I did tell you in the title of this video I was going to give you some strategies to get them to admit it. And I'm going to, because I like to do what I say I'm going to do. So the next five are actual strategies that you can use to work, but refer back to rule number one in most all situations. But if for whatever reason you just need for them to admit something, then move into these strategies and you might like, I don't know, you might like these even less than you like number one. Okay, let's see, I got my handy dandy list here. Number two, offer them a get out of jail free card. One of the things I do with my New clients. Usually when I get a new client in my office, somebody's done got themselves in some big trouble, right? Hey, lt. Hey, Rita. Somebody's ain't got themselves in some big trouble to get my office. So usually one of the things I say to them is, I say, look, you done dug yourself into a big hole. Don't worry about it. I got your back. I'm your lawyer. It's my job to dig people out of holes. That's what we're going to do. But I know you probably have other junk out there that you've done that you haven't admitted to, and it's going to come back and bite you. So now that you're already in pretty much like the maximum amount of trouble, you're in the biggest hot seat ever. Let's just say it, and I'll ask for you to get out of. Get out of Jeffrey Card. And I try to get my clients to sort of acknowledge these other, like, lies and secrets they have out there, because they're already in big trouble. And so it's like, you might as well throw it all on the table, because I tell them, if you don't tell it now, you're gonna do really good. You're gonna do awesome. We're gonna get your trust back, and you're gonna be six months down the road, and somebody's gonna come. Your old drug dealer is gonna come knocking on your door, demanding the money that your family never knew that you owed. And then you're gonna lose all the trust you had. You know, it's just like those other, like, little haunting ghost secrets out there that are gon you in the butt. So I'm always like, put it out on the table. Now, I be honest with you. Most of the time, people don't really take that offer, and it bites them in the butt. But a lot of time when I assure them that I will get them, I get out of jail free card in our office. That works how I do that as I go across the hall and I say, campbell, my guy over here, he needs to own up to this. I need him to be able to tell his family about it, but I need you to get them give him, like, a free pass on this one. So it's like, if you'll just own it, if you'll acknowledge it, you're not going to get in any worse trouble. It doesn't necessarily mean the family has to fix it or anything, but, you know, it's just kind of saying you're not gonna get in Worse trouble. Let's just get it all on table so we can get like a clean start. So I call that the get out of jail free pass. Number three is I tend to use a lot of humor when I talk to people. And so what it does is it makes a really heavy situation a lot lighter and it doesn't feel so painful to say or talk about. So when you do this, if you're, you know, I guess I'm best to give you some examples. So the way I would do this, I'd say, dude, I heard you had a relapse. What did you do? Did you drink like 5 gallons of ICA or something? You know, and I make like a overestimate it or something like that, because then sometimes people are like, oh, no, I just drank two gallons of, like, you know, something like that. I use a lot of. Of humor because it's like, I'm getting it to come to the surface, but I'm not doing it in a threatening or intimidating way. And that works for me really well. If you're kind of sarcastic person like I am, if you use a lot of humor, that'll work for you too. If that's not your personality, don't try to do that because that'll be really extra weird and because it just won't work because it won't be like, who you are. So if that's not your thing, don't worry. I'm gonna give you some more options here. All right, the next one, I think we're on number four here is you can normalize the behavior. So one of the things I do in my office is I say, oh, dude, let me tell you what. Everyone in this situation does this and this and this. Have you done those things? And so I'm. I'm saying already, like, I know this happens. This does not make you a horrible person. Like, let's just get it out there on the table. And it's. It's just clearing the way for someone to be able to, like, be able to say it. Because a lot of times what can block people is, like, shame and guilt. And so if you can clear that out of the way a little bit, a lot of times they'll come forward with it. So you can just sort of normalize it and you can say, listen, I know it's a crappy thing. Like, I am not even endorsing what you did. But what I am saying is a lot of people in your situation have done the same thing or done similar things or it's normal for you to feel pushed into a corner when you're in this situation, and it's normal for you to want to lie about it. I mean, if I were in a situation I think I don't lie about two, I probably would be my first instinct. So I normalize the situation. It kind of gives permission for the person to come out and say whatever it is. Let's see, number five, which is similar. Ish to normalizing, but the other way you can do it is express empathy. So if you can say I could, you don't have to agree. You don't have to endorse it, but you can say, I can understand why in this situation, you would have made this choice. I might have done the same thing, you know, if I were there myself. So if you can express some empathy into why they did what they did. You know, like, if I've got a client who relapsed, I might want to say something like, oh, my gosh, dude, you've been under so much stress. Like, I'm surprised you made it this long without relapsing. You know what? And so I'm not. I'm not saying it's okay, but I'm just acknowledging their situation. That, again, it clears the pathway for you to sort of get through some of that shame so that they can acknowledge it. Are y' all hating these? Tell me in the comments. It's okay. You're not gonna hurt my feelings. You know why you hate it? Because you're like, it ain't normal. It's not okay. It's not nice. I don't want to make them feel okay about something that they did. I totally get that. You have every right to feel that way, and you are 1000% correct. You are in the right, and you're thinking on that. The problem is it doesn't work to come at someone that way. It doesn't work. So a lot of what I teach you guys on these videos is what works, is how to do what I would do. You know, it's like, you can go to YouTube. You can learn how to do anything at home yourself. This is me teaching you how to do this at home. You can sit on a main. I'm cool with that. Pay me some money. I'll. I'll get it out of them. Or you can do this, because it works. I'm telling you. Been doing a long time. It works. All right, ready for the last one? Here's number six. You're not gonna like it. Another way for you to get somebody to admit Some wrongdoing or something that they did is for you that you did first. So you be the first one to just sort of throw yourself on the sword and apologize for something. And you may be like, oh, well, I don't feel sorry for what I did, but there's probably something in the situation that you don't feel that great about or that you could have handled differently. Like, you can say, I know I probably got really crazy and overreacted. I shouldn't have, you know, let myself get so out of hand with that or whatever. If you will acknowledge your side first, instinctively, the other person's like, yeah, I know. But, you know, really, I shouldn't have done this, you know, or I was kind of out of bounds with that. So it's like, if you show vulnerability, if you take your walls and your spikes and your armor down, they'll take their walls and their spikes and their armor down. You know, it's kind of like, if I lay down my weapon, will you lay down yours? Like, let's do it. Same time. It's sort of that kind of method. It's a you go first kind of thinking, now, have you tried any of these? Have they worked? Do they not work? Have you tried anything, particularly that I didn't mention that works? Or is there something out there that you want to tell everyone out there watching, like, definitely don't do this because it doesn't work. I want to hear your feedback about it. What's your experience with these techniques? Or maybe you thought of some I didn't mention. Now, if you want to learn more about how to sort of build that rapport and trust, how I actually do it in my office. Then there's a video that called how to Deal with Someone in Denial. I'll link it up here after. And if you're watching on YouTube, it's in the description link. You can watch that video next. And I go a little bit more in depth on how I actually do this, and I give you, like, a case scenario and everything. If you want to learn even more in depth than that, like the actual, like, say this sentence, respond this way, then say this, then say this. Then you can take a look at. I have this recorded session that I did used to be. You could only see this if you were inside of our family recovery academy. But I've got this. If you want to go to it, you can. You can see this. It's not public, but you. I'll give you the link where you can go and watch it. It's a real session, like a real life session, where I use some sort of specialty counseling techniques called motivational interviewing. And you can watch the evolution of this person that I'm talking to in the in the video. You can you can watch their thinking unfold. You can watch them sort of move through the stages of change inside of a real session. It's not like there's nothing that's fake about it. There's nothing that's rehearsed about it. So I think sometimes the best thing is just to watch it in action. So if you want to see that, the link for that is also in the description. And I always put you guys, lots of resources in the description, so make sure you always look down there. There's always tons of stuff there for you. Thanks, everyone, for hanging out with me, and I will catch you next Thursday. Bye.