Awakening Through Adversity: Finding Light Beyond Suffering

You decide what's good and bad. There is no good and bad. I'm looking at my worst traumas and I'm telling you they're the best moments in my life. There is no bad.

Welcome to the Spiritual Quest podcast, a transformative journey where we step into a world of wonder and exploration, seeking answers to profound questions. Why am I here? What is my mission in life? And how can I make a positive impact in this world? Join me and my inspiring guests on a spiritual quest to fully embrace your uniqueness and speak your truth with grace and gratitude. I am your host, Liba Kigarnos, always guided by spirit. Hello. Hello my friend and welcome to another inspiration inspiring episode on the Spiritual Quest podcast. Our quest for a deeper understanding and connection within ourselves is bringing out old beliefs and patterns out of the shadows so that we can awaken to our authentic nature and remember who we are. Our unique stories of awakening are part of a greater awakening where one story that touches a heart helps to ignite the light within another, opening the gateway to higher consciousness. My connection to higher frequency beings and having mystical experiences throughout this lifetime has been the catalyst for my spiritual quest. So when I heard about today's guest being an atheist and having a near death experience, I became very curious about how this experience has shifted his perception of the world and transformed his life. Ray Catania is an acclaimed author, metaphysical teacher, theorist and coach. He is a survivor of a near death experience and has written two books, the Atheist and the Afterlife and you'd are still alive now act like it. His insight and intuitive abilities have made him a sought after practitioner a in scientific spiritualism and the practical applications of metaphysics. I'm thrilled to have Ray share his incredible story with us and share his perspectives on spirituality, higher consciousness and the law of attraction. So let's open our minds and hearts and dive into the depth of our multidimensional being. It's my pleasure to welcome rather Ray Catania to the Spiritual Quest podcast. Welcome Ray.

Hi Vibeka. Thank you so much for having me here today. It's a pleasure to be with you.

Oh, thank you. And I'm very excited for our conversation. But before we dive into the really great stuff that I love, let's go back in time and get to know you as little Ray. And what was your experience growing up and actually how did you become an atheist?

Sure. So it does begin in my childhood and it was because I was raised in a Christian home, but the home I was raised in was an unhappy one and you know, there was a lot of fighting, arguing, drama and trauma and, and as a young boy, what I did, what I would do is kind of hide and isolate myself for long periods of time until that would end and then come out. So, and not having any cell phones or computers or anything in those days to really hold our attention, it was almost like meditating for hours and hours on end and looking at nothing more than a wall. So after doing that, you know, several hours a day, day after day, month after month, I began to see, feel, notice things that I guess the average person doesn't see only because, not because they can't, but because we're so fast paced in our life that I think we don't take the time to notice that it's there. But I started to see energy. I started to see what the wall was actually made of. I started to see wavy lines in there and I started to be able to read energies also. And it didn't frighten me because as a child, you know, I just, I kind of enjoyed it and I felt like almost like I had some imaginary friends that weren't imaginary, if you will, you know, because you can communicate, you know, the, this we, we, we come out of our bodies on. But our, our consciousness continues to live on in, in the form of energy and the, they're around us all the time. So I could well communicate somewhat in this, in this area. And again, it didn't frighten me but dare I say anything to anyone, which I made the huge mistake of doing one time, you know, that's. It was. I became a heretic and you know, I was going to be punished and whatnot. So I immediately closed that door, never told anyone again of anything, and just kind of kept it to myself for many years. I think that the atheism stems from rebelling against my family, our parents, and also from almost a belief in, well, you know, if this is true and there's this loving God, then why would these things occur? Why would, you know, what did I do to possibly deserve, you know, the things that were transpiring. And later in my teens and into my 20s, you know, I took that with me. I took chaos was where I came from. And I took that chaos and it became my comfort zone. So I actually understood chaos better than I understood love and understanding. And I would put myself in situations that were dangerous. You know, I worked for some shady characters who I wound up in the middle of sometimes gunfights and things like, you know, it's just terrible. But I did that to myself. I was self sabotaging. My. My life by making those choices and putting myself in those scenarios. It was when I was 20 that I actually did die. And I. They call it an nde, but I. I beg to differ. It's a very real death. And you. What. What had happened was at that point in time, my bedroom was on the second floor. Now I'm still living at home. My parents. My bedroom's on the second floor. And just below me is the kitchen. And the kitchen, the stove is run on natural gas, and it was leaking, and natural gas rises. So the gas was rising into my room, and I was breathing it in all night. And in the morning, I imagine that my mother got up and went to make breakfast and turned on the stove, and there was this big ball of flames that just kind of came out, and it caught the wall on fire, the back wall, and it began to burn. But the way I understand the story was my father was able to put that out rather quickly. So it wasn't the fire, and it wasn't the smoke. It was the gas. And I am upstairs in bed, and I hear the fire trucks, and I hear the police cars, and I hear all this commotion, and I try to get out of bed. And what I. What I feel is my legs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds each. I can't move them. My head, I couldn't get it off the pillow. It just felt like it weighed a ton of. And I couldn't yell for help either. So the. What I could do was I grabbed the edge of the bed with my. My hand and I kind of like, inched myself to the edge, and I would pull and pull and pull until I finally made it to the. To the very edge. And then I tumbled out and I came down. I fell face first on the floor. And what's interesting about this is. I know, I know I hit the floor. I want to say I felt hitting the floor, right? But it didn't hurt. And that was very strange. And the reason it didn't hurt is because I wasn't in that body. So once I hit the floor, I was then out of my body, above it in the corner of the room, looking down on my lifeless body. And at first, this is not, you know, it wasn't a scary event to me, actually. It felt. Excuse me. Sorry. It felt actually beautiful. It felt amazing. The. The. The room, the colors were more vibrant. Everything about what I was perceiving was amplified. Sounds, sight, feeling no pain whatsoever. A complete feeling of euphoria. And adjacent to me, on the other side, was a Huge cone shaped white light that's shining on my energetic being. Not my dead body, but my energetic being, which is, you know, in the other corner. So it's almost like a spotlight that's on me and only me and, And I am one with this light, which is. Gosh, to explain this light is so difficult. This light is. You can feel the love, you can feel the emotions, you can feel pain. There's no pain. It's. It's euphoric. It's just every positive adjective you could possibly think of. And I'm one with this light, with this beauty, with this creation of. Of everything. It's just an amazing feeling that is. I don't think we have any words to actually describe it. And you know, as you go into it further, because it's almost like a tunnel. And as I began to go in, the euphoria was heightened more so. And the more I went in, the more it was heightened. And then I recall at the end of the light was a being who said, it's okay, Ray. It's okay to come into the light. And I felt I could trust this being. I don't know who it was, man, woman, I have no idea. But I trusted this being. And I began to go into the light. And it got better and better. And it was in this moment where my father comes bursting through the bedroom door and he scoops me up and he's holding me and he's distraught and he's screaming for the paramedics who are downstairs to come up. My son. My son. And he. And he's crying and, you know, I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry. And certainly he's probably only hugged me about five times in his life. And one of them was when I was dead. And so I felt I wanted that love like that was missing from my life and I wanted that in my life. And I thought that if I went back, I could have that. Now. I didn't know, really. I. I'm not saying I necessarily had a choice. I don't know that I did. But I did ask, you know, I said some. I was kind of negotiating like, can I go back? I don't want to leave my dad like that. And. And sure enough, I did wake up. I wasn't in that room any longer, though. I was on the living room floor now, and the paramedics are on top of me with all kinds of tools and equipment and everything that they're using. And they're, they're kind of, you know, yelling Back and forth to one another and, and saying, bring up the truck. Bring up the truck. We got to bring this guy in. The truck was the ambulance. I didn't, I didn't know that at the time. And I'm like, guys, I feel great. I mean, really, there's like, nothing wrong with me. I've never felt better, in fact. And, and, and they're like, no, no, no, you're. There's something very wrong. We need to bring you in, you know, And, And I was like, didn't you see the light? Did you hear the voice? And they're kind of looking at each other like, what's wrong with this guy? Right? So I again, shut my mouth because I don't want to wind up in the wrong hospital, one that I can't check out of. So I just let them do their thing. They take me to the hospital and I. After that euphoria wears off. It's almost like the Novocaine wears off when you get a root canal and it's. All of a sudden, it's like pain sets in. Well, that's like the, all the aches and pains, the little ones in your body that you kind of ignore now that you're back in form. It. You feel everything times 10. And it's just. So. It's not a good feeling. Not a good feeling. And I was thinking, why did I make this choice? I had a perfect light. I was. That was what I want to do. Over. I want to go back to the light, please. Nobody was listening. And anyway, you know, after, after that, having being able to see energy and somewhat communicate in a small way after crossing over and coming back, well, now it's in a big way because they have. They're using me almost like a portal to this realm. They know that I can see them, they know that I can feel them. And now it's. It's really heightened and it's getting to a point where it's, it's, it's. It's scaring me. You know, I don't know really what's going on. I don't know what to make of this. And I'm really, really trying to hold on to my atheism because I don't want to believe there's anything else. I am satisfied with not figuring this out. You know, we. I didn't have a computer that I could go to and type in nde, so I really had nowhere to go with this and nobody to take it to. So I chalked it up to the white light, was probably the sun that was coming through the window and, and it was projecting on to me. And the gas fumes caused. Caused hallucinations that made me hear a voice. And I just packaged it up in a little box, compartmentalized it and put it away and did not want to believe it. But now these, these new friends that I have that have crossed over back to this realm with me, well, they're not, they're not okay with that, right? So I move out of my house and I was just getting my first apartment, just moving in, getting set up. And I'm like, this is going to be great. You know, I'm single and I'm going to parties and girls and whatnot, and none of that ever happens. Never. Because from the first day that I moved in, that place felt like it was filled with people and there was no one there, right? It was almost like I was in a nightclub and I had to like, move, you know, move. Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me. Just, just to get to my kitchen, you know, if the energies were just like bumping up against me and I could see the lines going across the walls and, you know, different things would happen with electricity. Electric would, you know, not function the way it was supposed to function, right? So I, I must have called the maintenance guy a hundred times, and he came up and he's like, kid, listen to me. There's nothing wrong with your place. Don't ever call me again. You know, so every time I say anything, I'm crazy, right? So I'm starting to believe that that's setting in with me. I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm losing my mind. So I turn to drugs and alcohol because I cannot sleep. And I want to turn this off. I don't want to deal with this anymore. So I start drinking very, very heavily. I start using any drugs I can find that'll knock me out so I can get a good night's sleep because they will not let me sleep. Finally, after 10 months, I move out. I can't. I'm waiting for the end of the lease. I have a one year lease, but I left in 10 months because I couldn't take it anymore. I went into the new place thinking, well, you know, it's a clean slate. Maybe the house was haunted, you know, Now I'm thinking, haunted. I don't even know what haunted. I don't know. I'm trying to hold on to atheism. But you could see like I'm. I'm caught in between, right? Is this real Is it not? I move into this new place and it's exactly the same thing. And in that moment I realized the houses aren't haunted. Ray is. And they're going to come with me no matter where I go and no matter what I do. So I drink more and I use more drugs to make them go away. And that is really the only time that I'm feeling comfortable is in an intoxicated state because otherwise it's just too powerful and over taking. My perceptions of just about everything, this, this goes on for many, many years until I get married and have kids of my own. And when I had my two boys, now I have a reason to live, right? So there's this whole stretch of time when technically in the back of my mind I know the worst case scenario is I die and I go back to the light, which was beautiful. So I don't mind death, right? I'm a young guy using tons of drugs and alcohol and I don't care if I die. It's a recipe for disaster to say the least. So I'm very careless with the, the choices I make and the things that I do. And I come from a, I'm self sabotaging myself because I came from a home that wasn't, you know, that was rather dysfunctional in nature. So it's not a good recipe. And. But when I have my kids, things change because I now have a reason to live. They need me to live. And I'm not going to let them down because I wanted them, I willed them into this world. I had gotten married, I, I said from day one, we're going to have two kids, they're going to be boys and, and that's exactly what happened. Now the marriage fell apart very quickly, but the kids were with me and I checked myself into rehab, I drove myself to rehab, gave him the keys, said don't let me out until I'm clean and sober. That was like 17 years ago. I've never had a drink. And now I, I get, I go back to school, I got, I finished my degree, I'm like 30, you know, 30, young, 30s, something like that. And I get a good job, I get a good job in New York and I see the world with clarity. I still see some of the beings, but they're not intrusive. I guess they know I can't help them. I don't know what to do, right? So at the end of the day, if you can't do anything, they'll find somebody else who can. So we kind of had Like a ceasefire, right? They're. They're still there every now and then, but they're not taking over my life. And this is a good long stretch of time. It's in my mid-40s, maybe late-40s, when I decide to consider dating seriously, right? Like. Like actually settling down. My kids are older, so I figure, okay, you know, this is a good time. And I go online to. To meet somebody, because that's the way we meet people now, right? So I remember that I was browsing the different sites and they give you a couple of ladies that are in your area to try to get you to join the site. And this picture popped up and I was like, oh, my God. I was just stunned. I was like, that's my wife. That's my wife right there. So I joined the site and I. And I put this email together and I, you know, and I. And I. And I said, I joined this website just to send you this one email, and you're. My name is Ray and you're my wife. And. And I said it in a funnier way than that because she actually responded and I actually copied and pasted the email and I put it in the first book. And her response is in there, too. I put it, like, a lot more. But she said, do we have to put all that in there? I was like, okay, we'll just put the first one because it's pretty funny. And so we are married, and we're still married and we're still together. And so I. I was right. And. But when we're first dating, is this. This is where a change, a major change takes place. So we are starting to get serious. And she says to me, she had a perfectly normal question. So what are your spiritual beliefs? And I'm like, you go first. I think whatever she said, I was going to say, that's me too, you know, easy way. I have no. I have no idea what I am. And I was. I said, I really don't know. I don't know. I mean, there was a time I was an atheist, but some crazy stuff happened. I don't really know where I am. I'm not going to tell her about the crazy stuff. I just, you know, I told her about the nde, though, and she. A couple of months later, it's. It's around the time of my birthday. And she says, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy you a spiritual clearing. And I said, great. What is that? You know, because I have no idea what this is. And she says, well, she tells me about the chakras, the system and everything. And she's. I'm like, so it's like a massage? And she goes, not at all, not at all. And I was like, oh, okay, so we're gonna have cake. She says, we'll have cake. Just listen, I want to explain this. You don't even have to be there when this happens. And I said, I don't have to be there. She's like, no. So she explains to me that I can be. I'm going to be at work, it's going to be 10 o' clock on Tuesday. And the woman calls me up and she tells me what's about to happen. And I'm very polite about it, but I do not believe in any of this. And I'm like, thank you very much. And I hang up the phone. She goes, but before I go, let me warn you, you know, you might feel off for a couple of days. And I said, oh, okay. If you do, she said, just call me back and I'll try to explain what's happening. And I said, sure. Okay, thank you. Cake. Click. And now it's two hours later, she calls me and tells me she's done. And again, I said, thank you very much for your time. I really appreciate it and whatnot. And I'm at my desk and I get up to go to the bathroom and all of a sudden I start to get wobbly and I'm like trying to shake it off and I'm like, whoa, what was that? It was like the, the. Everything went. I just took a breath and I took another couple steps and again my equilibrium was off. And I, I started to get a headache and I. And I left work because this, this intensified and I was like, I really do feel weird, but that can't be from that, you know, I just. I just feel weird. I must be getting sick. So I go home and I take the rest of the day off. And this is a Friday, and this is now the first time I'm ever going to see energy in the form of a human. And so in other words, the, the projection that he wants me to see is the way he looked before he died. So I actually see right here. Okay? He. This is his spot. Whenever he comes, it's always the same spot. There's this man and he comes and he says, it's not with my eyes. Not. I'm not hearing this from my ears, not seeing my eyes. It's all in here. Okay? It's third eye. It's the, it's the movie screen that I see inside my mind. I'll explain a little bit more about that. But he comes to me and says, I effed up. I made a mistake. You can help her. I cannot. I have no idea who this guy is. I don't know what he's talking about. And I don't know. Certainly don't know why he's talking to me. And. And I don't even believe that he's real. So he continues to say the same thing. Every couple of hours, he'll come back and he'll say it again. I effed up. I made a mistake. You can help or I cannot. And it's almost like a video loop where you hit rewind and play and rewind and play. It's just playing the same eight seconds over and over. On Saturday, it's every half hour. It just keeps playing. And by Sunday, it seemed like it was every five minutes. And I can't function anymore. I can't drive. I can't carry on a conversation. Everything I do, if I get idle for just so much as a minute, there he is again. And I remember the breaking point. I was in a store, and I had my stuff on the counter, and I was taking out my credit card to pay for it. And I don't know what I did. Maybe I froze or something. I don't know exactly what I did. But the lady says, are you okay? And I said, no, definitely not. I am not okay. And I took my car and I went back to my car, and I sat there and I tried to gain a perspective on what was happening. And my rational, analytical mind comes up with, you're insane. And I think this is going to be the end for me. I'm going to be locked up and die, and that's the end of it. So I need to get my affairs in order. I need to make sure my children are taken care of. I remembered, you know, I had written a will. I wanted to make sure my brother had it. I have a DNR because I'm going back to the light. Do not resuscitate me ever again. So, you know, I'm making sure he's got the paperwork. And now I got to tell this woman that I just fell in love with who, you know, was everything to me, that I am crazy. And if all that's not enough, she is by trade a doctor of psychology and neuropsychology. Can't make this stuff up. So now I'm going to tell a doctor of psychology who I'm in love with who I'm dating. I see dead people. This is not going to go over well. This is not going to be good. But the way I see it at this point is maybe I'll get the help I need. You know, maybe she'll say something like, here's a doctor who can help you or something like that. And, and, and never call me again. You know, I definitely expected to hear that. But that's not what I got. That's not what I got at all. In fact, when I told her and I explained to her what the man looked like and I said, you know, he's a stocky guy, beard, mustache, thick black hair. And this is what he says to me. And I tell her what he says and she all of a sudden her face like lit up and she's like, that sounds like my dad. And I was like, hun, your dad is dead. Now I'm thinking she's crazy.

And I got a good idea.

So she, you know, but she's like, no, no, no, you don't understand. I've been to mediums. And he comes forth exactly the way you say, like, he's right here. He's very powerful. He, you know, you can't look away. You have to, you know, address him. He's, he's very strong like that. And I was like, I really think that you've got this wrong. I'm just, I'm crazy. Besides, it doesn't look like your dad. I saw that picture that you have in the living room does not resemble him at all. And she's like, let me explain. That picture was very, very old. Let me show you what he looked like before he died. And she shows me a picture and I said, you know, that guy. And my mouth just like, you know, my jaw hit the floor and I didn't know what to say or do. And she's like, yeah, it's my dad, silly. And she's like, relax, you're probably just a psychic medium and you don't know it. And I was like, what, what's, what's, what's that? What, what's a medium? Because I don't know. And she explains what that is. And it does make a little sense to me in the moment, but I'm still very skeptical of everything. And she says, well, why don't I bring you to a medium? And now I'm like really scared. But I agree. She's like, there's a particular one that's coming to town that I know well. She's very reputable Very good. I'll take you to her. You guys can compare notes. What have I got to lose, right? So I agree. I go along with that. And I meet with her, and she says, hi, you know, I'm Bonnie. I said, hi, I'm Ray. And she said, oh. She goes, you're that Ray? And I said, I. I don't know. Maybe. She goes, tell me what's going on, Ray. And I said, I am absolutely insane. And she says, ha, ha ha. Really? Sit down. Tell me more. And I proceed to tell her everything. And I say how I feel the vibrations. Now, I purposely did not look up anything about this because I didn't want to have any preconceived notions, and I don't want to be, like, my information to be tainted by something I read. So I made sure I did not look anything up. And I went to her and I said, so first I feel vibrations. Sometimes they're low, sometimes they're high. And. And then I explained that I. Sometimes I see the line, a black line that shoots across the room, and I see swirly things over here, over here. And then it's like this movie screen opens up inside my head, and then there's something playing on the movie screen, but the person's usually talking to me, and she's like, stop. I was like, what? She goes, that's exactly the way I see it. See what? Dead people. Come on.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. And it. I'm just. I don't know now I don't know what to do with that. This, like. I understand insanity. I don't understand mediumship. So now I. I don't know what I am, who I am, anything about myself, really.

How old were you when this happened?

46. I want to say.

Wow. Yeah. So you're pretty set in your ways. And then this happens. A wow. Yeah. Okay, continue.

Yeah. So. So after I meet with her, I do feel a little bit better. I feel like kind of a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, like I said, I understand insanity. I don't know what to do with mediumship. So she luckily and thankfully takes me under her wing for the first year, takes me on as a student and teaches me how to control this, teaches me to understand it better, you know, And I become more comfortable with it. I can turn it on, turn it off. It's not so intrusive. It's not like I turn it off, but I can, you know, kind of like, reject the call, like on a cell phone, you know? No, I'M not talking to you right now. And so I'm. I'm learning how to navigate these waters, basically. And she has me for the first year, and she taught me a lot of things. And it was the following year. There it is, my birthday again. Something always happens on the birthday, and my wife says to me, hey, where do you want to go for your birthday? And I said, I don't care where we go. I just want trees. Lots of trees. She's. She's like, so no Aruba? No beach? None. No, no, no. Trees. Trees. I don't care if we even have a bathroom. I just need trees. I don't know why any trees. I need to be in the middle of nature. And I. I don't know, but trees make me feel like something, and it's really good. And I think I. I think I could talk to them. And now I'm sounding really crazy, you know, like, this is just nuts. This is just nuts. Just. Let's just go where there's trees, okay? And so we do, and we meditate the whole weekend. And, you know, I'm falling into my spiritual groove and I'm using the techniques that I'm taught. And during that stay, she, my wife, went into her bag and took out a portrait. It was a drawing that somebody had made. And I looked at it and I said, that's your dad. And she's like, I know, I know. And I was like, no, but that's, that's exactly the way I see him. When I see him, he's got that shirt on, and that's exactly the way he looks. And she says, well, that makes a lot of sense because a medium drew this for me. He's a spirit medium, and he can, he can draw what he sees. And I was like, who is this guy? Like, I've got to get to know this man. And we pulled him up, did an Internet search, and his site comes up and it says, now accepting students for a two year mentorship. And you have to apply for the mentorship by February 15th. That's my birthday. She goes, are you gonna apply? And I said, are you kidding? This, this is divine intervention if I've ever seen it. Now I'm talking like this. So, yeah, I apply. I apply. And it's not one application. It's like you submit an application to be able to submit an application. And these are like essay questions. And it's like this thick. And that leads you to an interview. If you get that far, then you get another application, and then you get another Interview. So it's a long stretch to be accepted into this program. And it's. And it's because he needs to know you're the real deal or you're not getting in. Okay? Because this is not about money for him. This is about, you know, passing on the things that he's learned. He's very highly respected, FFF certified, if you're familiar with that. That's a very high level of certification. And so I never heard from him after I did all. Went through all everything, the applications, the interviews and all that. Didn't hear anything. So I figured I just. I didn't get it. And now I'm all the way back to maybe this isn't real. Maybe this is all my head and, you know, whatnot. And so I call his assistant just to verify that I did not get it. And she said, no, no, no, no, no, Ray, you don't understand. There's hundreds of applications here. Hundreds. And I'm like, oh, okay. So she says, just wait. Just relax. Just wait. We don't know yet. I don't know yet. And I was like, okay. So I continue to, to wait. And she says, there's hundreds of applications, remember? Hundreds. Now, this program costs thousands of dollars. Hundreds of people times thousands of dollars is hundreds of thousands of dollars, okay? The integrity of this man. This is what blows me away. I was accepted and I was number 11 of 11.

11? Oh, yeah, that's it.

11 people out of hundreds. He could have had this huge windfall of money. He didn't care. Only 11 people. He could absolutely prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they had disability. And those are the only 11 getting in. And I think eventually a couple more stragglers came out, like up to 14 or something like that, but that's as high as it got. I mean, he could have just cleaned house and didn't. And I was like, wow, I'm with this guy for life. I'm never leaving this. The two years, forget about it's. So now it's been. I think it's four years, four and a half years, and I'm still there, you know, So I am. I'm like, I'm not leaving you. Sorry. You know, I just. There's no way. And he taught me. So it's not just mediumship. He taught me about spirituality, taught me about the law of attraction, taught me about so many different things. And, and, and, and, and I explained I had to learn about the mediumship to understand it fully, to make sure I really could handle it. But at the end of the day, I chose not to practice. And. And. And it's because, for me, you know, at that. At that time, I just had this huge spiritual awakening, and I was. I was finished with these negative emotions that were controlling me, because my ego. My ego or my egoic mind, whatever you want to call it, is grabbing things from the subconscious, and it's really dictating my life in a negative way because it's pulling from my childhood, pulling from my past, and telling me what to do now. Right? And I broke that tie, and I was experiencing happiness for the first time in my life. 50 years. And when you perform mediumship, you take on the emotions of the person, of the deceased, and you take on the emotions of a person, the sitter. So you're actually the. The. In order to have that flow, you've really got to absorb their energies and allow them to connect. And that doesn't wear off me for hours. And what comes through. Remorse, regret, guilt? I'm sorry. I need. You know that these are all things that the deceased come forth with, right? And it's really hard on me. So I respectfully said, you know, I'm still not leaving you, but I can't practice right now, and maybe I'll return to it one day, but right now, I just found happiness, and I. I want to sit with this for a while. So that as I was writing the second book and I got near the end is when I had this massive awakening of. And I was in a completely different space. And I remember the moment because I was. I was driving my car. It was an expensive car. I thought that was a big deal. I thought you're, you know, if you made it in life, you buy this expensive car, whatever means nothing. But I'm driving, and it was snowing, and I drove it into a deer, or the deer ran it to me, however you want to look at it. But normally you would get. I would get adrenaline surge, right? And I would get angry, and it didn't happen. In fact, I felt nothing. I felt compassion for the deer. I was more worried about the deer than the car and myself. Now, who the heck am I? I don't even recognize myself anymore. I know this is beautiful, but I don't know who I am. And so I get out of the car and I check on the deer, and miraculously, this deer gets up and. And, like, we kind of look at each other, and I'm like, sorry. And I'm sorry, too. Okay. And we went our separate ways. My car was destroyed, but I didn't care. It's just a car. It was in that moment, there's no more anger, there's no more worrying about yesterday. I can't change what just happened. This is where I'm at. And I surrendered to what is. And I was doing it naturally, like I wasn't training myself to do it anymore. It was the first time. It was natural and now I'm just in a. It was, it was the most beautiful moment in my life.

Wow, what an incredible story. I mean, I just. I love listening to you, but I do have some questions for you because I'm. This is. This is, you know, this has gone over, you know, many years. We started in childhood, so this has. It's been a roller coaster, I would imagine, emotionally. So now that you're awakened and you look back to what has happened and you're sharing this, why do you think this happened to you?

The awakening or the mediumship, the whole.

Life that you chose this, you know, from the experience of dying, seeing the light, having all this awakened within you and then turning it down. And why did you have to go through all that roller coaster ride? Do you see it differently now that you're awakened?

Yeah, absolutely. So when people ask me, like, what was the greatest moment ever? And the greatest moments were the ones where I suffered the most, because that's when I learned the most. That's when my character showed they weren't the moments. The awakenings were beautiful and the other things were beautiful, but it was the moments that I suffered and endured the most and came out the other side. That's when I learned. That's when I learned who and what I really was made out of. And. And we need those, unfortunately, to push through those occasions in order to really experience all emotions on the spectrum. You, you. If I'm not an enlightened being by any means, I've got a long way to go. But to become enlightened, one, all emotions on the spectrum, you can't become enlightened or awakened if you've only lived half of a life. And for me, you know, I was also. I was missing love, right? I didn't get that until I was in my mid-40s and I found what real love was like. Love that was just so powerful and where your energies are one. And that's kind of what spearheaded my awakening, my real awakening. And before that it was just trauma, trauma, trauma. So when I look back, I have to say, if it wasn't for those bad moments, we wouldn't be here today. I Wouldn't be speaking to anybody. I wouldn't have written any books to help anybody. I wouldn't be coaching people. You. I would have. You wouldn't want to hear from me. It's because that I went through that that I'm able to see I have a completely different perception of reality that then I think a lot of people do. And it's. One of my favorite quotes is Shakespeare wrote, nothing is either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so. And that's from Hamlet. And what he. What do you. If we look at that, you decide what's good and bad. There is no good and bad. I'm looking at my worst traumas, and I'm telling you that the best moments in my life, there is no bad. It's up to you what you want to be bad. And I know that this is a very. It's a difficult concept, but no one has. Don't give anybody the ability to take away your happiness or your peace or your calm. You know, we have, like, cars that cut us off and. And. And I remember, you know, I was driving one time, and I had the little one in the back, one of our little ones, and a car just really ran a red light and just made a right turn, and I swerved and I got out of the way, and we, you know, we didn't collide or anything. And, you know, I probably yelled something like, you know, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And then she says to me, the little one, she says, what happened? And I said, well, that car, you know, ran the stop sign or the red light and almost hit us. And she goes, are you. So you're mad? And I said, no, no, I'm not. I would. No. She goes, but you yelled at him. And I said, yeah, but that was two blocks ago. I'm not. You know, we're not almost getting hit anymore. So I experience it, but then it dissipates immediately. And that's what I'm explaining to her, is that you don't have to carry it. I didn't take it all the way home and tell her mom. She did. She was like, oh, my God, you're not gonna believe what happened. You know, a car almost hit us, and Ray said the F word. You know.

Of course, I have a little.

I didn't say it. You know, I. I had no intention of telling her anything. You know, it was like it was in the moment, and then it's over, and. And that's it. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen because I'VE learned to live in the present moment not two blocks ago. And as crazy as that sounds, that can be done with many, many, many things. It's not that you're not going to experience an emotion. You will, but the faster you can get, lose the negative ones and let them go because you have to surrender to what is anyway. Why destroy yourself? Why destroy your day? And then why come home and tell somebody else and ruin their day? And they, you know, and it just keeps going and going, you know, end it so no one suffers.

Yeah, that's what I said. Take responsibility for the energy output.

Yeah.

Of what energy you're bringing into. And you know, any relationship, any conversation, any event that happened, just be discerning what you're bringing into it. And that makes me think also that this human experience from being awakened. Since I was a child, I've seen too many things. I've. My parents have told me stories. I played with my spirit guides since I was a kid. I can still remember being in the crib, having the orbs play around, place themselves on me. And when I had my younger ones, my youngest daughter, she was like only two and a half year when she was lying next to me in bed and she said, mommy, why is it all yellow and orange around you? And I go, oh, wow, now I have another one. Here we go. Yeah, it was like. So we've had her journey, she's now in high school and we're having to help her discern her energy she takes. She has a very hard time staying in school because she feels the emotions of other people. She reads the energy, she absorbs it so high. And so I'm trying, like when I'm having her, she's so enlightened, I would say I just, you know, she's more aware of things than when I was on, you know, her age. But when we're having this discussion that I'm saying, you know, emotions, whether they're good or bad doesn't matter. It is how you view it and how you observe your reaction, what you feed into it and you give energy to the good or the bad. We wouldn't have the good emotions if we didn't have the bad. This is the duality, this is, is the contrast of the 3D. This is what we said yes to experience. This is what is going to be. It's up to us how we want to show up. And if we're showing up in the now, it is. We can choose. We can actually choose to surrender in the moment. We're not Imprisoned by anything. And you can also see, what am I giving life to? What am I getting meaning to this experience? Like, you didn't give it other meaning. So people trying to figure out, what do you mean? What do you mean? Everybody wants to understand what everything means. It's like anything unless you give it meaning.

I said, I got two sons that are in their 20s, and I had one of them over, you know, last night. And. And I was like, you know, at the end of the day, nothing matters. Like, literally nothing except love that you have for other people and the love that they have for you. Other than that, nothing matters. And no matter what happens, you're going to overcome it. You're going to be fine. Unless. Unless somebody is pointing a gun to your head, okay? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And, you know, it's just a very powerful way of seeing the world and, you know, allowing things to be. Surrender to what is. And don't give it energy, like you said, because you can take a little thing. The saying is, don't take a. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, right?

Yeah.

Don't take something small, make it big. Well, we do that. And it's not until you realize that it doesn't even have to be a molehill. It doesn't have to be anything. It could be a speck, and you can just move on because you can't change it anyway. Now, if it's something you can change, by all means, if that's your fight and you want to get into it, go for it, Right? Like, I. I never watch the news. I have no idea what's happening outside of my backyard. No idea. Four kids. I know what they're doing. That's it. That's all I know.

Yeah.

And, you know, people say, well, you know, who you gonna vote for? I. I don't know who I'm gonna vote for. I don't care. I have no idea who's running. I don't want to know. That's. That's not my fight. I'm not going to be able to change that. Now, if I was getting into politics, I would know everything about it, but I do not, and I do not care. And this is where I am. And it's not that I don't care what the outcome is going to be. It's that I can't change it. So I'm not going to take it on as my anxiety and my pain. And. And that is what I'm not going to allow happen because that's. We get sucked into the news and the news is always negative, negative, negative to get you watch more, more, more. Right?

So it's clickbait, everything now in the Internet, whatever. It's all clickbait and it's all negative connotation. Nothing that's positive, loving, uplifting gets the attention that it really should. As we are moving into higher consciousness, I believe that we are more discerning at least people like you and I talking together. I'm very much like you. I do not watch the news. If I do, it's because I get it through my husband. I can hear in the background when he watches. I get it in, but it's not like I'm paying attention to it. And I choose. I have my own rituals, if you wish, where I go in and I find. And it's always to lift to, to. To create good vibrations. And that brings me into another question I would love for you to elaborate on. So how can people create or change their reality without having to go through anything dramatic the way you have to go through it, like a near death. How can we change our reality?

So to change your reality, you change your perception, right? The first thing that you want to do is change your perception. Your perception is your truth, okay? And your truth is your reality. So by changing your perception of what is, you're changing your truth and you've already changed your reality. And I think a really great example of this is an interview that I saw with Michael Jordan, the basketball player. And he was so the reporter said something to the effect of how do you make those three point shots that no one else can make in the NBA? This just seems like no one else can make them but you. And at first he was like, you know, I don't know, you know, he's a little cocky and stuff, right? But then he thought about it and he came up with an answer that floored me and I'll never forget it. He said, sometimes I can go on on the basketball court and the basketball hoop. Hoop. Well, it's just a basketball hoop. But then there's other times I go out there on the court and that hoop is a huge bucket, big old bucket. And I just put the ball up and then I can't not miss. He changes. And I don't even know if he knows he's doing this. He changes his perception of what's real for the outcome and his reality that he wishes to have that is so, so powerful. And I'm sure it took him Years and years and years. And his father probably said, you know, how could you not get it in there? That hoop is so big. Shoot it again. Get it. Come on. That thing's huge. And after a while, you know, you, you believe that as your truth and it becomes your truth and it becomes his reality. Right? Because he worked hard to be the best player. He wasn't naturally. I mean, he had natural gifts for sure, but. But there's others that have had greater gifts. He had to work really hard to be that good. So he changes his perception of his truth and therefore changes his reality. And I saw there was another quote, very similar by Tiger Woods. He said something very similar. He said sometimes that the cup just opens up. I can't explain it. And I can just. I. That doesn't matter how long the pot is. It just goes in and it's practicing that, practicing that over and over again, finding the good and the bad. Every time you see something bad and you look at it in the negative tense, find the positive, look for the silver lining. Find it, own it. Because that's what you need to focus on. Not the bad part. You got to look at the good part. And if you do that over and again, you'll retrain the way you think and you'll change your perception.

Yes, that's so true. That is so true. It's. Yeah, the, the silver lining. It's. It's so funny because growing up, knowing intuitively to look for the good things we all do, it comes with, with the adopting imprinted patterns and looking at our parents, right, and how they respond to the, the world. It's just funny how we have to go through. This is actually me reflecting because like I said, I've had spirit with me my whole life. So I've come to the realization that being human or wanting to embody all of me, I had to accept vibe the human self. I never had any problems accepting my soul. Like, I would always see the silver lining. I would always see the good in people. And people say, why are you talking to that person? That that person is evil. I was like, no, that person is not evil. I do not discriminate on anything because I read the vibration. The person is hurting. The person needs to be seen, to be heard. There's nothing wrong with this person. Yes, they might have done awful things. But I cannot see, you know, unsee what I see. Like the energy of that human being and that love that we all have and we. I can see how it all was restricted by, by patterns or layers of Energy that just kept them imprisoned within those lower vibrations. So it's fascinating how when I speak to people underlining people who is now I'm just funny because I'm underlining people that do not have the same connection with their soul, or maybe not on that path of reawakening to their power. Yet I see that there's so much suffering where they're claiming their suffering, and they're almost proud of it. Sometimes, like, I've been through so much. You have to work hard. You know, it's like, what's going on? What are we teaching people here, like, the children? It's not supposed to be hard, right? So I've kind of felt that that's maybe when I'm reflecting now, that maybe it's been the hardest part for me as you know, being spiritual awakened and then trying to be human and love my human self is to actually acknowledge that I am really restricted in some areas of my life where I will always meet myself in the mirror and see, okay, here's my ego self running off again. Why do I need to control this? What's happening? No. And it's always, you know, I think for me that I'm okay with that, that I always have to meet myself, because I know it's a journey of loving myself. I know when I am in that space of self love, that's when I really feel the connectedness with everyone, the oneness where I feel that unconditional love. And I've been through the anger of that. I've been, you know, as an adult, getting children and feeling the unconditional love. I actually had to go down and do some shadow work. I actually surrendered to death. I told them, my spiritual team, that I don't want to live anymore. I'm okay to leave now. And because my children knows that I love them, my husband knows I love them. But the way I'm living my life now, I'm not willing to live this life. And I have no idea how to get out of it. I've been becoming a mother, taking on that role as a mother, and then seeing what expectations everyone else had to me as a mother. I couldn't be myself. I couldn't talk about spirituality. I couldn't do this. I had to be. No, you can't, you know, you have to, you know, don't say that. Don't do that. And I just felt like everything that I do is looked bad upon. I don't want to. If I can't be accepted and I can't be Me raising my children. I don't want to be here because I don't want to affect them negatively. I don't want to. So I had to surrender. I said, I'm so. I know what surrender looks like. Crying, falling, you know, laying in a dark room saying, okay. And everybody said, you're having the baby blues. And I did not have the baby blues. Don't you worry. I did not. Trying to explain that to people. No, it's not the baby blues. It's. I didn't. I couldn't explain it to them that I'm not being. Being allowed to be me. Everybody's judging me, from the doctors to the nurses to. For me being me, I am not good enough. And that's kind of it. I'm not good enough being me because I'm different. I'm weird. Nobody knows how to deal with people like me. And after. I just have to mention that after giving birth, I went to the doctor or before I had birth. I also knew that I would have two children, two girls. I had visions of it. I knew it from an early age. I told my parents about it, everything. And. But because I've had visions of my life until the age of 30, and then everything was dark. So I knew that when I asked spirit at the age of 25, am I gonna die? At the age of 30, I felt like I wouldn't die, but there were. I didn't need to know at that moment, but it wasn't death. But it felt like death when I got to that point and I surrendered. I wanted to die.

Right.

So I kind of awakened through.

Yeah, yeah. A moment of huge change.

Yes.

But it couldn't be explained in the vision, because how do you explain that in a vision? Right.

You're right. You're so right. And so. But when I went to the doctor. So this was what I. When I kind of reflected on why I lost myself and why I was not good enough, is that was just a single episode. Going to the doctor when I was going to have my first child. And I said, you know, doctor, I can't have a normal childbirth. I know my body and my body is telling me that I can't give birth naturally. And she goes, I've seen you since a little girl. I'm the doctor. There's nothing wrong with you. And I said, well, I feel it. My body's telling me it's not going to work. Oh, you're being hysterical. People have done this many times before. You. No worries. And they sent me to the hospital and of course, after a traumatic event where we almost lost my first daughter, I had to have a C section. And we almost lost her. They were running with me through the, yeah, so it was a horrible experience. And so when I got to her next time, I said, well, it happened. Well, that's just a coincidence that could have happened to, you know, anybody. And then I got pregnant with my second girl, and I went to her and I said, okay, remember last time? And she goes, vivaja, there's nothing wrong with you. Now you have anxiety. Now you're scared. So let me send you to the psychologist. And I go, can you please listen to me? My body cannot give birth. It's, it's telling me I cannot give. Oh, you're being crazy. And so what happened? Another, Here we go again. Almost lost her C section. And I was like, after that, and then having them not listen to me, and then having everyone else telling me how to raise my children, you know, whatever the role I was going to play, not being me, it's just, it was too much. And I think that's, I just, this is the first time I'm sharing that in detail. And it's just, I think it's important for every woman out there that if you're feeling and, you know, your body. Yeah, it's time that we, we get people to listen to us. That's why I'm doing this podcast as well. That's why I'm a vulnerable, sharing my story sometimes as well, because I think it's very important that we understand that, that we are many out there now who are feeling and expressing different vibrational frequencies, higher consciousness, seeing and tuning into other or deeper understanding of what it means to be multidimensional being. And when is this going to be okay? I feel like my whole life has been, when are we allowed to be ourselves? I know it's a, you know, it's a choice we make in every single moment. But I know how difficult it is being born into a family. You know, it as well. I mean, you, you were 40.

I, I, I, I think that we, the, the only answer I can find to that is to stop thinking about those people and the things that they are saying. I mean, I've gotten rid of a lot of friends and gotten rid of a lot of people in my life, because if you're not going to, you know, acknowledge, you know, what, what I'm giving you, and, you know, but we, we are going to have less and less in common, and I'm going to be on a journey, and you're not going to come on the journey, and that's okay. And. But we have to part. And that's a. A lot of people that I've spoken to that have awakenings. They're like, you know, I have no family. I have no friends. And I'm like, yeah, I know, but you'll find new ones. You'll find ones that are in this space. We always find each other. And it will happen for you, too. But in the beginning, it's rough. It's rough because, you know, 90% of your family thinks you're out of your mind and you stop getting invited to things. Right. And you just have to be okay with that because it's. It goes with the territory, unfortunately.

Well, I'm happy to announce that my parents, they came around. They came around. They love me just the way I am. It took a while, but they're there now. So I'm happy to say that they love me no matter what they say. Oh, it's just her. I don't worry.

My mother, at the age of 82, called me up and said, do you know what I said? What? She goes, your book is in Target or something, or in Walmart. I don't know what the store was. And she's like, I'm really proud of you. And I was like, wow. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't until the book was published. And now we have. We have a great relationship now. But not before. No. And, yeah, they. I don't know. And she read the book and she's like, you must hate me. I said, absolutely not. Absolutely not. The book is about, you know, learning about this and coming and realizing it's not about anyone other than me. It's my reaction to things and not someone else's reaction to things or the things that they've done or didn't do. It's all about me. Me and taking control of my own narrative and taking control of myself and taking control of my energy. And she kind of. She's kind of getting it now. And. And I'm. I'm like, very happy.

Wow. Oh, I could talk to you for hours. Ray, this has been a wonderful conversation, but we have to start wrapping up. So before we end today, is there anything you would like to share of words, of inspirations for the.

I think, yeah. I mean, I think that we have to kind of remember that we are the spiritual beings and we are all connected to one divine entity, whether you call it God or the universe or universal collective, whatever your word is for it. We're all a part of that, right? So if you are hurting someone, someone, you're essentially harming yourself. And you gotta realize that that's exactly the way it's going to happen. It will. You're hurting yourself. It's coming back to you because you are one. We are all one. And stop using separators. Those are words that. Like a political party that you choose, or a race you choose, or a religion you choose. Get rid of those. Get rid of those names, dreams. We're energy beings. We're human. That's it. Stop right there. The more separators you make yourself a part of, the more separate you are from humanity. Come together as one, like we were meant to be. Like we really are.

Love that. Thank you so much. I want to say Zaria, my spirit guides told me something that I just loved. And I keep repeating that everywhere when I speak to people. It's like he said, on a soul's journey, we are all one. In spirit, we are all alike. And in knowing this, there is no discrimination. I keep saying that over and over. That just. I thought that was just beautiful. So I keep that with me everywhere I go. Yeah. Thank you so much, Ray, for joining me and sharing your incredible story. With that, I am truly, truly, deeply grateful for the work you do and helping humanity heal and shift into higher consciousness. So thank you so much. Now, if you want to learn more about Ray Catania and his amazing work, then you'll find his contact information in the episode description. Once again, thank you so much for being here, Ray. And thank you everyone for listening and tuning in. Sending you much love and light from me, your host, Vivek Yegarnos, always guided by spirit. Thank you. Bye now.

Sam.