EP 35 - Better Parenting in the War for your Children - Meet Richard Ramos

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Hello. Hello and welcome back to our Finding Better podcast. My name is John Suzuki and I am your host. And this is where we share real life experiences and wisdom of people who have been there and done that in terms of finding better in their own lives, whatever it happens to be, so that you can learn from those lessons and perhaps use some of those lessons in your own life. I am joined today. I am thrilled that I'm joined today by Richard Ramos. Richard is the author of the new book Parents on a Mission. And this is about finding better parenting, finding better parenthood, and helping to find better children. And it's wonderful. Richard, welcome to the show. Thank you for being with us on Finding Better.

Yeah, it's my pleasure, John. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah. This is, this is something that's near and dear to my heart. I've got two kids, I've got three grandkids, and you know, it's it, Parents on a mission. So tell, tell us a little bit about, about, about the book, but mostly about your experience and let's start there. Your experience that led you to writing this book.

Yeah. Well, thanks. Yeah. Parents on a mission. How parents can win what I call the competition. Other people may call it a war or a battle. It's all the same thing, a competition for the heart, for the mind and the loyalty of our children. Because I just believe in today's America, our children, not only our children, all of us are being bombarded 24, 7, 365 with a lot of negative, what I would call, you know, anti American, anti Christian, anti family, anti parent authority messages from all over the place. And I, I, my goal is to help parents understand that, that it is a war out there. It is a battle, it is a competition for your child. That is the prize. The prize is who is your child going to give the gift of loyalty to. And if you're taking that for granted, mom and dad, that is a huge mistake. That's what my book is all about. And then I talk about ways to go about winning that loyalty and different things that we can do. But I did this, John, simply because I was an at risk counselor many years ago at our junior high and I had all these kids, I had 50 kids in my caseload and they were all, you know, doing things we don't want kids doing. Some of them were in gang, some of them were using drugs, Some of them.

Richard, Richard, where was this? Where?

Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara.

Santa Barbara.

Yeah.

And Santa Barbara is, is not known as a bastion of Gang violence and stuff like that. Right.

I mean, no, it's not.

Santa Barbara. I know is pretty, pretty dang nice.

It's very nice, and it's a great community. And, you know, nowadays, this was in the early 90s, and in the early 90s, there seemed to be a rise in gang activity even throughout the country at that time. It was, it's not like it was. But, but, and, and it's. I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles, so the gangs here are. Don't even compare, don't even come close to what you're talking about. That, that where this is a bastion of tourism. It's not about that, but the fact is there, there were those elements here. And so I was in the midst of that, and as I was listening to the kids on my caseload, you know, after a while, I built a level of trust with them where I'm saying, look, don't come in here and waste my time. Basically, you know what I said. And paraphrasing, why are you destroying your life? What's going on? Yeah. So after all, they started to really open up to me. I knew at that point, as a young parent, I couldn't just buy into everything they were saying. So I decided on my own, I needed to go talk to their parents. And that's when things changed for me. That's what the light went on. I had a paradigm shift of, here I am trying to help these kids, build them up, encourage them, inspire them. But then I went to their home and I saw what they were going home to every day.

Yeah. Yeah.

It was completely defeating what I was trying to do. The dysfunction, the lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of authority, all of those things. And I said to myself, man, if I want to help these students, I need to help mom and dad.

Yeah, yeah. So let, let, let, let's pause there for a second because I agree with you, Richard. It, it, in fact, I think I'm the guy that told you it's not a competition, it's a war. It's a war. It, it is. It is.

I didn't want to out you as to being that guy, but you were the guy.

Yeah, I, I, I, I, I really do believe it. And, and that's, and honestly, that's one of the reasons why I started this, my Finding Better podcast to begin with is because there are, there's just. The world is broken. It's really broken. And, you know, I mean, I talk about being overwhelmed with messages of inadequacy, and whether it be on social Media, whether it be our friends, whether it be the social people that we hang out with, Right. And there's just so much bad information going on out there. It's. It's terrible.

And, you know, look what's, look what's going on on the campuses.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Look at what's going on. There's just so much division. And, you know. Yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to talk. Talk about. The whole thing with me that I believe is that it does. It starts at home. It starts at home. In fact, you know, Denzel Washington is one of my absolute favorite, and he may be my absolute favorite actor. I love. And by the way, if you or anybody listening happens to know Denzel, I, you know, someday I just like to meet him and just shake his hand and say thank you. You know, not only do I love him, love the characters like Equalizer, right. I mean, helping the underdog and coming in and being the guy that. That, that's a hero. But, you know, I, I've watched his YouTube videos, and he strikes me as a man with very, very deep character. And one of the, One of the things that he talked about was his childhood. And Denzel said, listen, you know, I had the benefit of having. Having a whole family, of having a dad and having my. Having my mom there. And he says, and the one thing about. About my friends is that those who didn't have dads, a lot of them ended up in prison, right? They ended up in prison, and they ended up in a lot of trouble because they didn't have the support from home. At home and not having the support from home, kids are going to go someplace else to get that support. Right? And whether it be gangs or something. And so I love, I love how you frame this conversation is, you know, being on a mission and, and just, I mean, you're working at the, at the, at the core. You really are working at the core of. Of. Of what's happening out there and working to make that better.

Yeah, I believe that, John. First of all, I've always said for many years that in my opinion, the best actor in Hollywood is Denzel Washington. Bar.

Well, that. That's not your opinion. It's your experience.

It's my experience. And yeah, he, he should have won so many more Oscars, you know, but we won't go there. But, you know, Henry David Thoreau said something that I always use, a quote. He said, for every man that is striking at the leaves of evil, there's always one striking at the root. And he's talking about society and that, that's where I decided that I wanted to strike at the root. I, I'm sure. Are you aware of the story of the bodies that are floating down the river? Have you ever heard that story?

No, I might be, but. Share it, share it with me in the audience.

Very quickly, there's a guy who's going fishing at a river and he's always there, but in this particular day, he sees a body floating down the river and he jumps in, swims to it and drags the guy and, and resuscitates him. But right as he's resuscitating him, he hears another screaming for help. He jumps in the river, does the same thing. And so this just keeps happening. After a while he, he says, man, I need help. And so he goes and calls the community. He runs over there and says, hey, people are coming down, you know, so it goes on and on and on. Eventually you got a whole organization pulling these people out of the river, resuscitating them, and they just keep coming down. Well, eventually one guy starts to leave and the guy, the main guy says, hey, where are you going? We need all the hands we can. He said, yeah, you do. He said, but I'm going to go upstream because I want to find what the root of the problem is, why and where are all these bodies.

There you go.

And so that's what I felt I needed to do. There's a lot of good programs. There's a lot of youth programs. There's a lot of efforts out there that are trying to help troubled youth, rebellious youth. But who is working where it starts?

I love that.

In the home.

I love that. I mean, all, all of us out there are striking at the leaves. We're striking at the leaves. Right. And, and you're out there wanting to get to the root, which is, which is really, really wonderful.

Yeah. And that, you know, well intentioned. Most communities, when you're, I call it the outside in, outside in approach versus an inside out approach, know when you have youth problems, gangs, violent, whatever it is, everybody wants to create a, a nonprofit, a nonprofit organization that is going to deal with all these rebellious youth. And I say, well, rather than focusing on the problems that youth create, why don't we focus on the problems that create rebellious youth?

Yes.

That's where I say, that's why we have to work with mom and dad, because, sorry, there's no, I don't know, I don't want to be mean about it. But the root of the problem of these Young people that are just going down the wrong road is in the home. And a lot of it has to do with the broken home, as Denzel Washington said.

Yeah, yeah. And, oh, my gosh, you're kind of blowing the top of my head off. You know, when you, when you said working with the parents, you know, we. Everybody thinks about working with kids, you know, working with. Going out and trying to fix these people. Right. And fix the parents. Fix the parents.

Well, in my book, I talk about. John, about, you know, I have a section in there on community building. What is community building? It's raising citizens. Where do citizens come from? Citizens go to church, they don't come from church. Citizens go to school, they don't come from school. Citizens go to work, they don't come from work. Citizens come from the home. Home. And the question is, what kind of. To parents, what kind of citizen are we sending into the community every day? What kind of citizen do we send to the neighborhood? Do we send to the schoolhouse? Do we eventually send to work? What. Where are those citizens coming from? They're coming from our home. And, and that is something that parents need to understand and wake up. Yes, you are raising your children. Correct. However, they are also citizens of the community, and that's a key thing that parents need to understand the responsibility that we have.

Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to. At the risk of getting. Getting a moment of political. You know, as, as much as, as much as I liked Hillary Clinton and as much of a lot of things that she did that I like, there was one thing that I really didn't like, and that was. That was the whole it takes a village. You know, And I remember way back when, when we were talking about it, thinking to myself, it does not take a village. It takes parents, and it takes a village to support the parents. Right. And. And, you know, when, when you say and. And when people think to themselves, well, gosh, you know, it takes a village. You're. You're, you're giving up, you're surrendering your responsibility, and you're saying, hey, you know what? It's not my job to teach our kids values. It's, you know, the school will do it. The school will do it, and they'll get. They'll get values. And, and for me. And I think, I think you agree with that, to your, to your thesis that it all starts at home. It starts at home. And, you know, we, We. We can build the village as a community to support the family. It's not the other way around. Right.

Oh, that's the problem. That's the problem is that too many parents, you know, that that message, that's an African proverb that was meant for a different time in a different culture. Today. The truth is, we don't know who we can trust in the village. From the White house to the schoolhouse to the church house, we all know of all the abuses that have taken place in all of those places, and we don't really know who we can trust.

And so, so, so, so, so, so just real quick, that is. That is amazing, because what. What I'm talking about, I don't know. It was 20 years ago. It was a long, long time ago. Right. And at that time, what you're talking about right now never even came into my mind. Right. I thought, you know, yeah. You know, the schools are pretty good and all that kind of stuff, but still, it takes parents. Right, but to what you're talking about. Whoa. Right. I mean, when you, when you think about today's world, so, so, yeah, about. I mean, who can you trust? Right?

You trust. And, and so that message, you know, I talk about in my book, that it does not take a village, it just takes parents, as you said. And that's not a message that parents today need to hear. As I said, when you consider what kids are being fed on social media, TikTok, Instagram, all the rest of it, television, movies, magazines, the Lyric, what, what can parents. Can you really trust that your kids are being. Your values are. Are being reinforced by all these entities and different things that are going on. And so I, you know, sounding an alarm that you. We cannot trust the village. And the, the message that parents need to hear is not. It takes them. No, it takes you.

Exactly, exactly.

I have a. One of my sons is a high school football coach, and he goes through this A lot of the time the parents will call him, hey, can you talk to my son? Because he's not doing his homework. And we were arguing about him playing, and him. And my son always tells him, you know, he's. I raised my. So he tells him, no, that's not my responsibility. You talk to your son about homework and school. I'll deal with your son. As far as an athletic athlete playing football. But it's not my job to tell your son about doing his homework.

Boy, that's tough love right there.

That's right. And they want coaches, priests, pastors, counselors, grandma, uncle. They want all of those people, and they abdicate their authority to all of those people. And that's why I say no, the it takes a village message is old, obsolete. It's not for our culture. Parents today, you need to hear, it's your responsibility. And in my book, I talk about how, how that works, how can happen, what, what are some tools we can have to win that loyalty that it's, that's up for grabs.

That is amazing. Yeah. And you know, as, as you, as you, as you think, think about, as I, as I think about the world today, right? It's really hard, you know, I mean, I, I, you know, you and I both grew up and life was hard, but you know, I look at the world today and it is, it's worse. It is so hard for kids to grow up because of some of the things that we've been talking about, right? And just the idea of adolescence or just the process of going through adolescence. You know, I tell people, listen, your kids are little, they're five and six years old, enjoy it. Because when they hit 11 or 12 years old, you go from hero to zero. And that's a best case scenario, right? All of a sudden, all of a sudden dads are, you know, you're, we're stupid, right? I mean, what do you mean? You don't know all this, all the stuff that my friends know, my friends are smarter than you, you know, and it takes about 10 years of going through that process. And so even in the best case scenario, you know, raising kids growing up is really tough. But as I look at the world today, it's even harder for parents because infl. I mean, you look at inflation, I don't know how families survive. I really don't. I mean, it's crazy how hard it's gotten, not only with, with the social influences and the technology that we're dealing with, but, but with economics and, and you know, what's happening today. So how, how do you, how do you coach parents? How do you, what do you, what are some of the things that you tell parents as they, they're trying to navigate this? You know, some, some parents are, are single, single parents. Some kid, some parents have, have to, have to survive by having multiple jobs. I mean, you know, you, you, you, you've experienced this. So what, what, what, what do you, what, what, what is some of the coaching you offer?

One of the, one of the things I teach John is called the, I call it the home field advantage. Having been a athlete, you know, throughout much of my life, I like to use sports metaphors. And if you understand sports, you know what home field advantage means that it's your field, it's your fans and sometimes even the referee. But.

A lot of times actually.

And so, you know, you have an advantage. So what I teach parents, I broke it up into a. As a statistic that you gave that I had done some research because when parents used to ask me, you know, the same question, you just said, well, what, what can I do?

Yeah. Yes.

I didn't have a good answer. When I was a young. I really didn't. It really bothered me. But when I did the research and I found that from 12 to 15, those are the years when kids began to make the choices. So I said, okay, if that's true, then from infant to 12 we have a 12 year window that should give us an advantage, the home field advantage. Because zero to two year, I broke it up into three phases. What should be happening in the life, mom and dad for a kid from 0 to 2, from 2 to 5. And from 5 to 12, okay, from 0 to 2, they don't care about sex, drugs, rock and roll, gangs, they don't care about any of that. So what should be happening from 5 to 12? 5 to. From 2 to 5 now you got a kid who's beginning to understand, wanting to take control, all those things. What should be. And then five to 12, now they're not in your care much. They're in school nine months a year. Right? Right. I call. So from zero to two, that is the role of the gardener. I call it the nurturer. That's a time of nurturing the soul. Self worth, self importance, self esteem, stability, emotional connection and attachment to parents. That's the role you and the advantage you have. From 2 to 5 now you're in the role of a trainer. Teaching obedience, teaching respect, teaching authority. Who's in control? Don't do that. Stop doing that. You know, three years. Stop, don't bite, don't. And you're now in the role of a trainer. And then from 5 to 12, I call that the life coach phase. Where now your kids are in school and they come home and you have a conversation and you're a parent on the sideline watching your kids in the game of life and you're coaching them. Don't say that. How did it go? What do we, you know? And you're coaching them. And that final phase, I call it preparation for separation and infiltration, not isolation.

And what I mean, say that again, say that again. Say that again.

From 5 to 12, parents got to understand you're preparing your kids for separation.

Right, right.

For infiltration, not isolation from society. So the Preparation is I'm not raising my child to live with me for the rest of my life.

That's right.

Hearing them, because life is a process of separation. Separation from the womb, separation from the home, separation and marriage, separation and death. Life is a process of separation and that's what I'm preparing my children for. To go out and establish their own life and their own family, etc. The infiltration part. I'm inoculating my children with integrity so they can deal with all the toxins in the environment. Because you can't get rid of those toxins. You can't get rid of the int. The news and all the things that we talked about, the social media 24, 7, all of it. Can't get rid of it. What can I do? I can inoculate my. I can immunize my child with integrity, with values, with honesty.

Oh my gosh.

When I send him out in the community, he's got an immune system to all that stuff that's going on. And it gives him a better chance to be. To say no to all the pressure and the isolate. It's not isolation because how's that going to help your daughter if you. I try to isolate her from how to deal with the world.

Right.

You're not building her immune system. You know, when human beings are born, their immune system is not. Not fully developed. They have to get sick.

Absolutely.

In order to build the immune system. Right. So it's the same thing. You can't put your children helicopter parent and never allow them to experience failure and losing and falling down in life. Because those are the things that are going to build their strength, build their character, because you are building their integrity and their values. So separation, preparation for separation is one phase. Then it's not about isolation, it's about infiltration. So I say infiltration, not isolation. So that's what I call the home field advantage. And if parents understand that from 0 to 12, you have a darn good chance if you're nurturing, if you're training and if you're coaching, you have a real good chance that your kids are when they get to that age frame. Yeah, they're going to make mistakes and do things, but for the most part, you've inoculated them with integrity and that's what they're going to come back to as they get older.

That is amazing. That is amazing. You know it, because when you think about it and going back to Denzel, this is not a I love Denzel show. But you know, he talks about, about the age 12, about the age of 12, you know, and he talks about, it's not the system. It's not the system that is victimizing young black people or victimizing anybody. They end up being part of the system. And I can't imagine that from where Denzel comes from that he would disagree with you. And I love how you broke it up into those three phases up until the age 12, because by the time they get to 12 years old, like we said toward the beginning of this, it, it, you don't have the home field advantage anymore. Right. And hopefully because they're out there meeting people on their own, doing their own thing. Right?

That's right. That's right. And that's why I say parents should not take the loyalty of their children for granted. And, you know, you're just figuring, oh, they're my kids, of course you're going to be loyal to me. Well, not if you're not preparing them. There's got to be a preparation there. And you have the advantage of the kids are with you most of the time until the age of 12, 13, then they start, like you said, getting out there and there's. If you've been preparing them for that and you've been, you know, immunizing them and, and that, doing that, then you have a real good chance that. You know what's beautiful, John, is when a kid, a 13, 14, 15 year old, and I can say this about my kids, that they love being with you. They love being with dad.

That's right. That's right.

Mom and dad.

Yeah. That's amazing. You know, you were talking about the inoculation part of it, and I thought about an Uber drive that I, that I had an Uber driver from Somalia. And we were talking about Somalia and what it was like, and he goes, you know, the kids in Somalia, they have really strong bones, almost impossible. You don't hear of kids breaking their bones in Somalia. I said, why? He says, well, first of all, he says, because we have a lot of sun there and, you know, the kids are out in the sun all the time. And he says, and the other thing, he says, they eat dirt. I said, what? He says, they eat dirt. He says, they're playing outside, they're eating dirt. They're being, you know, the earth is part of them. And they're getting, you know, they're getting, they're gaining strength by, by not cleaning everything, but just by being dirty and, and letting. Letting nature take its course. And I thought that was really interesting because here in the United States, we are so we're almost phobic to the point of being clean. And you know, of course with allergies and all that kind of stuff, you have to take a lot of precautions. But you know, not only, not only does that example apply to physical health, but it applies to emotional health as well, mental health and everything. You know, when, when you have parents inoculating and immunizing our kids and preparing them for the world that they're, they're gonna, you know, there comes a point in time when you just have to say, you know what? I, I, I hope I did my job because there. And I'm always going to be there for them. I'm always going to try to be there for them. But you know, their life is theirs and they're off, they're off to the races.

That, that's funny that. You know John, I could confession. I ate dirt when I was a little kid. Did you ever have a mud pie? I mean I really, you know and I mean in bit, you know, not like you know, the whole thing but I mean I remember doing that as a kid. I mean I grew up in poverty and you know, see we do things like that, you know. But it's just funny that you said that, that wow, somebody finally admitted that they kids were over there eating dirt. I used to do that too. That's funny.

Yeah, we don't do that anymore.

No, no, no.

Maybe we should, maybe we should, maybe we should start a trend. No, no, I don't want to do that.

There's too many and yeah, we're getting, and think about it now talking about getting a little, a little political here. Let me just say this, think about it. During the COVID time, where were you hearing about building the immune system from within? No, it was about outside in. It was about vaccination and all that. And that was supposed to be the answer. That was supposed to. If you get immune, you will not get coveted again. Obviously we know by that would prove not to be true.

Yep.

But if, where was the doctors and politicians talking about build your immune system? Because that is what needed to happen. Yeah, that, that's as we know, herd immunity. Etc. So anyway, it's the same. I use that metaphor because you know, that's what's true. I mean here's another example I use John, if you were, if you had a young person come to you and they were suffocating and starving at the same time, which need would you meet first?

That's a question to me.

Well, it's rhetorical.

Suffocating for sure, for me.

So you have to relieve from the inside out. You cannot receive food or water from the outside in if you can't breathe.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

So that's the emotional healing that needs to take place. That's the emotional healing. And so many parents, they need emotional healing. They're not dealing with the inside out. So we come to these problems from the outside in with counseling and mental health and jobs and sports and counselors and tutors, all of these outside in trying to fix this kid when the whole time they can't receive it because they can't breathe. Their, they have trauma in their life. They're being abused, they're being neglected, they're being abandoned, all of these things. But when those things are healed, and I've seen, I've seen this, this has been my life work. When those things get dealt with from the inside. I've seen gang members, people that were in prison, people doing awful things with their life completely turn around when they had that inside out transformation, that hurt, that wound, that pain was dealt with. And now all of these. Oh, well, I almost knocked this picture. All of these things are now making sense. And they can receive the tutoring and the counseling and the mental health and they can receive it because that in, in inner need was met. If, does that make sense?

Oh my gosh, that makes all the sense in the world. That makes these people are suffocating. These people are suffocating and we're trying to throw food down their throats. And you guys, I mean that it's. Oh my gosh, Richard, this has been amazing. This has been amazing. And you know, you have given me and my audience so much to think about. And you know, the thing I love about you is that you, you, you bring it, you bring it down in human terms and, and, and you dumb it down. I mean, for guys like me. And it is, it's just wonderful. I, I, you know, to me, when, when I had, when, when, when I, when I raised my kids, you know, of course you try to, you try to learn as best you can and read books and, and watch videos and all that kind of stuff, right? I wish I had your book. I wish I had your book, you know, growing up with, as a young parent. And it would be awesome if, you know, your book could be one of those mandated. You have to read this book if you want, if you're going to be a parent. That's awesome. That's wonderful. Listen, Richard, we're running short on time right now. I would Love to have you back, but one last comment from you about, you know, as. As we talk about finding better parenthood and, and finding better kids, maybe that. Maybe it's not the kids part, but finding better parenthood. Last comment.

Yeah, first of all, my book's available on Amazon. They can find it there. Or if they want a PDF version, go to outskirtspress.com Pom outskirts press.com and you could download a PDF version if you'd like. Last comment. Is this so.

Okay, hold that thought. So you're offering your book for free?

No, the. The PDF version is less expensive.

Okay, okay, okay. Got it, got it, got it. Okay.

You just want to buy the book at Outskirts Press or Amazon, but the PDF version is half the price.

Okay. Okay, good. There you go. Okay. I just want to make sure we're clear on that. Okay. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

That's okay. You know, it's. My last comment is the parents. It's all about relationship not being right. You know, too many parents get hung up on being right. I'm the dad, I'm right. You're wrong. It's not about that. It's about relationship. And secondly, if we can just own up and own up to our own mistakes and own it when we're wrong and actually look our children in the eye and apologize and ask for forgiveness when we're wrong, that goes a long way in winning the loyalty of your children.

Oh, my gosh. That's another top of head blowing off thing. You know, how, how important. I mean, that is so important. And yet, you know what? As a parent, that's probably one of the hardest things for a parent to do because you are the parent, right? I don't need to ask for forgiveness. Are you kidding me? I ask for forgiveness every freaking day. You know, I mean, we're, we're not perfect. And you know, and, and yeah, you talk about. And a single stroke of, I mean, imagine, imagine, you know, for my listeners, imagine your child. Imagine his reaction when you say, you know, I really. Please forgive me. Oh, my gosh. Right? I mean, try it. And you know, you talk about one masterstroke to kind of reset that relationship. Whoa. That's brilliant, Richard. Unbelievable. Okay, so listen, folks. Richard Ramos of Parents on a Mission. Check it out, Check it out. I'll tell you. God bless you, Richard. God bless you for what you're doing. God bless you for sharing your experience with the world and love to have you back on sometime.

Thank you, John. I'd love to be back. And thank you for what you're doing as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Folks, check it out. Check it out. And if you are a, if you're a young parent and you have young kids, you still have a chance. And if you're, if you're a parent thinking about or if you're thinking about having kids, holy cow, what a great, great guidebook that can give you ideas on how to move forward.

And John, one last comment for any parents out there. If you have older kids and you're struggling, there's been a break in relationship. I speak about that as well. Maybe next time we can talk about that.

I'd love that. I'd love that. That would be wonderful. That would be wonderful because there are a lot of people who have. And you and I. I love you, Richard. I love you, man. I'm not going to keep going into this. So, so listen, folks, thank you for joining us. This is John Suzuki. God bless you. I love you. And we'll see you next time right here on Finding Better by.