Healing After Trauma with Lena Cebula (Part 2)

¡Hola! It's Richard R Ramos, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Thank you for all of you that are joining, the subscriptions that are growing, and for those of you that are sharing these, uh, messages, these videos, these podcasts. I really, really appreciate that. And when you leave a review, it really helps me reach more people. It helps the channel grow. So I would encourage you to do that if you haven't subscribed, because a lot of times you— well, not you, but people listen but they don't subscribe. So that would be a great favor to me if you would do that. And why would you do that? To help me reach more people, more parents, which is what The Parent Whisperer is all about. So thank you for that. If you have questions, you can certainly enter those, and I will be happy to read those and answer those. Um, it's always great to hear feedback. So today I am excited to once again bring back, uh, my friend Lina Sebula. I think I'm saying that correctly. And she has a powerful story. She had the unfortunate experience of human trafficking from a Russia— although she is Ukrainian, but she told her story about really it was kind of based in Russia and then over into Israel. And so if you missed her story, go back a couple of sessions or episodes and you will find— easily find her story on my YouTube channel. But today we're going to have part 2, Lena. Welcome back. Thank you for coming back and sharing more.

Thank you so much for having me, Richard R Ramos.

Well, I think that, you know, a lot of people really resonated, uh, with your story, and not so much because maybe they've been through that. I mean, I don't know, maybe some have. I haven't heard that. But I think it's just about you overcame a very traumatic, a very horrible, nightmarish type of situation that— if you correct me if I'm wrong— but a lot of people do not escape that. I think it's probably a minority of people that escape it, but thank God you did. And so, um, today I just would want you to maybe recap that a little bit and then share some of the things that You're helping mothers. That's your focus, is to help mothers from a Christian perspective. So please share with us, uh, what's on your heart.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me back, because honestly, um, I'm so grateful for these opportunities to share my story, and I hope it's gonna help someone. And absolutely, guys, share, share this episode. I will later share some few very simple exercises because how you mentioned, I work with mothers, but any parent who is struggling, have stressed out, which is, oh my goodness, we all struggle with stress and busyness that can use. It's pretty easy and you can do it anytime, anywhere. But it is very interesting you said that many people did not survive this because somebody first time called me survivor after hearing my story. It took me a long time to actually wrap my head around that this is who I am. And then that was like huge distinction between the victim of human trafficking and survivor. So I remember when somebody first time called me a victim and I refused to take that label because I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am overcoming and I am so grateful what I can do right now because of those experiences. They are very unfortunate and I wish nobody ever go through that. But by the grace of God, I am here. I am whole. I am healthy. And I want to share my story for God's glory, and I want to make somebody's lives better because I want in the end somebody hear it and thinking, okay, if this is possible for her, the healing, the restoration, the building back marriage, building back relationship with children, because trust me, trauma does not disappear because you give your life to Christ or you quit drugs or you got a good job. Honestly, everything will follow you into your parenthood.

That's right.

So you need to be aware and you need to address those things and they will damage the relationship closest to you. And instead of punishing yourself, just know that you can rebuild those relationships because whoever loves you, they never leave you.

That's right. That's correct. Yes.

I just want to give you hope, and I will tell you a little bit about my story, kind of summarize, because honestly, first of all, today I'm so grateful for my identity rooted in God because that's where I draw my worth and value. And I no longer live in survival mode. And instead I have peace and purpose and faith. And that's what helps me now to respond with grace, respond with grace even during the most stressful days. So I'm happily married. We've been together for over 20 years and trust me, lots and lots of work.

So, I did know.

I know because every time I say I'm happily married, people are thinking like, wow, Lucky. And then I'm saying, and I'm raising 3 amazing teenagers. And you're thinking like, wow, wonderful. But you know, everyone who's been married, everyone who has teenagers or kids in general, you know how hard it is to build relationship, to build a marriage, to build the kids and dealing through different challenges. So nothing, the grass, it's not greener on another side. I heard somebody say the grass is greener where you water it. So that's what happened. You have to work, you have to work for all of it.

When you cultivate it and water it, you can have your own green grass.

Absolutely. So guys, before I continue, I want to prepare for you because some parts of my story may be difficult to hear, and I don't share them to focus on my pain. But to show what God can do with the surrendered life, what overcoming adversity and thriving after trauma can look like. So my journey wasn't been easy, and my home was marked by poverty, alcoholism, abuse, and neglect. At 15, I lost my first baby. I, the grief, led me into addiction and depression and anxiety. So at 18, I became a victim of human trafficking, and while I was trapped in the brothel in Israel, someone shared the gospel with me, the good news of God's love, and that's how God planted seed that would later change my life. And this is what I want to, to I want to tell you guys, and I know there's like so many things that we can believe and something to hold on to. And if you're at the end of the rope and you don't know who God is, please just reach out to— I know you have that friend who is talking to you about God. If you have already used all of the resources, you need a community, you need a person who you can trust. And just share your story and ask for support. And you know what, just try it. It's another resource, and there's amazing community and resources for you as well. So here in Canada, when I was trafficked the second time, I was able to escape slavery, and I started alone in a foreign country as a refugee. I have to learn new language, uh, adapt to the new culture. I lived in shelter I learned English from level zero, but I still was able to rebuild my life. I became a hairstylist and I married a pastor's son. And I too, like, thought it was kind of— God loves the humor, but he loves that providence. He already planned this for me. And this, I told you a little bit about him, Richard R Ramos, beforehand, because when I was stressed out and losing my marbles, I saw my husband being kind, stable, and I have that example. And that's what triggered me to think, hold on one second, how this person can be like that? That means it's possible. If he can do it, I can do it. And I literally learned how to behave and speak and um, actually listen, even think about some of the matters by listening him disciplining our children. So I was learning from him as well. So, and sometimes you're gonna think, oh, I didn't have this role model as a parent, or I didn't get that husband as a role model. I do believe you still have one person like that in your life that you can look up to and ask all this question. And honestly, if you don't have anyone, you can text Richard R Ramos, you can email him and ask him what to do. You can connect with me as well.

That's right.

We want to support you. But I do believe you don't need the army of the people who are going to be behind you. I know you have one person. Just look and be open with them. So I didn't have any healthy parenting experience, so I came in motherhood completely unprepared. So more than anything, I wanted to give my family the life that I never had. That's all we do as a parent. But my past followed me in the motherhood. For years, I had lived in survival mode. I felt rejected and used and abandoned and lost. So fear, shame, hopelessness shaped the way I thought and I responded. And without even realizing it, these patterns were showing up again and again as a mom. And I was angry and cold and controlling because I was scared. And then on top of it, as a woman, I struggled with the postpartum depression that was not diagnosed. Doctors completely ignore all the different signs. Nobody doesn't— did not diagnose me, not with trauma, PTSD, or anything. And I really struggle. I will— I was actually asking for help, medical professionals that didn't work out. And please, this is just disclaimer, do not quit your doctors because now I have amazing team. Who works with me, you just have to find the right one. What I want to say, especially to women, especially to mom, if you have the symptoms, like physical symptoms that reappear all the time, affecting your mental health, physical health, emotional health, you need a professional. And if that person who care for you right now do not respond well or giving you dismissive responses, go find another one.

Yes.

Just go find someone who will listen to you, who will, who will do your tests, who will ask all these questions. So when you leave that person, you feel acknowledged, heard, have your next steps, and you're actually hopeful. If you're not leaving your doctor office with those few things, I think it's a time to look for another person. I know it's going to take some time and This is what happened to me. I stayed with the same doctor for 10 years and I was thinking like, what I'm doing here? But just because I still can get out of him stuff that I need. But I do believe nobody should go through this. That's why when mom sometimes thinks, oh, he was very close to my home, he was more available, all those things that logistically better for me, I should have left long time ago. I should drive to the better doctor. I should make me priority rather than convenience. You know what I mean? So that's what I'm talking about. So if you're in that situation, please just look into it, or just to talk to your friends. You know, I bet somebody have a good person that they like. So yeah, there is another thing. I don't know, I think, um, I heard somewhere that the women struggle with this so much more than men. It's the impostor imposter syndrome. It's comparison, comparing yourself to other people, always thinking that you're a fraud, you know, what are you doing here, you don't know what you're doing. There's, um, I knew that everyone was better moms than I was because I didn't know at all what I was doing. But if you there, new mama, I'm telling you, everybody's starting from scratch, even like your mom tells you what to do. She doesn't know what to do with your child. She knows like in general, but you will learn what is this about your child. They, they, um, that's right, they have food allergies or, or food preferences. They— you gotta figure out if they like to sleep or don't like to sleep. And your mom cannot tell you that. Just your experience with your family gonna give you that. So don't worry. You're not a failure, you're just a beginner. Trust me, after 19 years, you're like, hey, you three, go do your chores. So you have to train them for that too.

That's right.

Because you can say, but they have to listen. So after I give my life to Christ when I was 31, so I completely understand how how to live without faith. So I— and that's why I'm really, really encourage people, if you had a relationship with God and left because of some circumstances, maybe church even hurt you, there are so many things that happening. But because I'm talking about stress and overwhelm, I do believe when we don't have enough time to build relationship that's where the relationship suffers, and with God and with, with our loved ones and with ourselves too. We put everything before us and we just get busy and stressed and overwhelmed. And I think that's what's draining us so much that we don't have enough energy to invest in learning something new or, or asking for support. And the same that we're thinking like, where is the God in all of this? I'm running around with these kids. I have maybe parents, um, elderly that have to take care of. I'm hungry all the time. I'm tired all the time. I don't see a light of hope. And where's that God? You know what I mean? And I know I've been there too. I was so stressed out and I was so tired and I didn't know where the hope was, but I already give my life to Christ, and I literally heard in my spirit, God was saying, rest, rest. And this is what he was saying for 10 years to me while I have 3 young children. And now I learn how to rest. I learn how to say no because I know if I'm drained, I cannot give my best to anyone. So, you know how they say it on the plane, put the mask first? You know, the oxygen mask. I don't think parents think about this like that. No man, no woman. I know men struggle with another part to provide, and sometimes they go so much into work, work, work, and then they come home drained. But the work doesn't stop. You still have to invest in relationship and marriage and children. It's, it's a hard life.

So yeah, I remember, uh, the first time I— this long course, long time ago when I was on an airplane and they say, yeah, put your mask on first, then the child, because that thing seems backwards. Like, no, I want to save my child first. But the point is, if you can't breathe and you're the one that's fainting because you have no oxygen, how can you save your child? So it makes— or you never know what would happen. So it could be a bump, the child could be screaming and uncontrollable, you know, and then you're trying to help them, but then you don't have oxygen. So that's a good example of what you're talking about. We got to take care of ourselves.

Absolutely. And when that wake-up call came for me, I remember one time I was yelling at my kids and it was such a small thing, but I already got in my head that nobody listening. And especially when you have younger kids, oh my gosh, it's like sometimes I was thinking I'm sounding like a broken record or some kind of robot. I'm saying the same thing. And I feel nobody responding, nobody listening, nothing. And I just lost it. And I was like yelling at them, like, why nobody listen? Or something like that. And I had this really like strong and sharp pain in my chest. So I'm thinking like, is that my heart? And I literally have to hold on to the chair. And I got so scared. Because I was pretty young, pretty healthy. But honestly, when you not controlling your emotion, I bet you see the signs of stress. And I will tell you a little bit more about that. So you can just check. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And sometimes as women or even parents as well, and just in general as people, we think, oh, it's because I didn't sleep. Oh, it's because of that. Oh, it's because like, so our brain try to find why this is happening and you're like, okay, so, so you can dismiss it because it's have to understand to compartmentalize. So it needs to know what is happening. So most of the time we dismiss this really bad physical signs of stress by saying like, oh, I did this or I did that. So we figure out, okay, whatever, and done. So that time it was really scared me. But how I said to you as well about my husband, I saw in that moment that he was really calm and he give me this like strange look, kind of like, really? And yeah, because I kept like being offended. I respond with frustration. I took everything personally. I felt out of control. Because I thought in that time, more I control, less bad thing gonna happen. You know what I mean? So I have to like predict everything. And guess what? Raising 3 people, they don't live by your plan. Everybody have their own emotions. They tiredness, they different behavior outside, the impact of the school and kids outside, all this stuff, they bring it to you. So on top of it, you have to control that. And guess what? You can't. So that, that's where really took me over of that side that I realized I need to make a choice.

Yeah. So let me see if you agree with, with this, Lena. Even though women listening to you, um, haven't been through your particular experience, because of— from what I've read and I've heard other stories of other men and women that came out of the MKUltra, you know, mind control, brainwashing, and the human trafficking. But even though they haven't been through that, they still have been through other experiences, other trauma, other letdowns, other abandonment, neglect, maybe abuse— physical, sexual, emotional. Would you say that even though they may not have gone through what you've gone through, they still need to pay attention to and work on and get the help to overcome those inner battles that you're talking about?

Absolutely. And I'm so glad that you point that out because sometimes we're just comparing our stories and thinking like, oh wow, this is like lots of trauma. I never had that. My parents were wonderful. Whatever stories that we have for ourselves, and we kind of dismiss that. But it's really good that you're saying that because over time working with women, I noticed one thing, that everything that impacts us negatively creates that trauma, that it's a big word, but it creates that, um, that moment in our mind that something hurt us and it goes And it stayed with us and it can come out anytime, anywhere. And if you—

That's right.

Been, you know, on this earth for a bit, you know that you hear the words like, oh, childhood trauma, childhood trauma. And honestly, when you hear this big word trauma, you're assuming like I'm talking about abuse or human trafficking or alcohol dependence or stuff like that. But literally, kids can get trauma from not being acknowledged that they brought you beautiful painting of the day. And sometimes they bring you million and a half paintings, you know, especially like the 3-year-olds, they love like they stick figures and stuff, but they bringing you like tons. And then one, you just dismiss it. Every time you give this compliments and all that stuff for a 3-year-old, and then the last one, because it's end of the day, you have to cook, you have to clean, you just come back from work or doing something, and I don't know, your mother-in-law called and she not feeling well, and your husband is late, and all this stuff. And this kid will bring you a, you know, 3-color cat, and he's so proud of it, or she, because it took him like All day to come up with these ideas and he works so hard in it and he's like pouring your heart and you're still thinking about conversation with your husband, thinking like, ah, make the macaroni, but he want a soup, blah, blah, blah. And then you just take that, oh, it's wonderful. And just throw it on the counter. There you go. Childhood trauma. And why I'm exaggerating this, because I want you to see that as a person, we can— our brain experience our own life, not what, what you think that this child just experienced. This child gonna take that, and for the rest of the life, if anyone take the paper and put it on the counter this way, the brain gonna say dismissive, neglectful, um, not paying attention. And it will come up in marriage, you know, as, um, as a thing like, um, she always does that to me. My wife never pay attention when I'm telling her, and especially if I give her something that I really care about it and she throw it out. And you know why it's gonna happen? Because my brain saying her communication sucks, and I want to make this into beautiful phrase, but you know what, This is number one problem that we have. If we learn from the childhood, and I hope parents hear that, teach the kids communicate, teach yourself to communicate effectively, teach your husband to communicate effectively. Because guess what? If that 3-year-old have emotional intelligence, would say, Mom, can you pause for a moment? Can you really pay attention to me? Because I really need your attention. He would pause and he would say, you know what, I worked so hard on this painting. It took me a very long time and I did my best and I really want to bring this to you because I know how much joy you would feel and how proud you are because look, you always, like, I see that you do this for me. So I expect that and I'm sorry that I'm interrupting your day. 'But please give me one moment.' And mom would say, 'I'm so sorry, I was so busy. Thank you so much for pausing me. Wow, this is beautiful, Kat. Did you use like all these crayons? Do you see how different it is?' But because as kids we're not trained and we don't understand this is how we have to communicate. And guess what? We carry this in, um, in motherhood and in marriage and being parent. Guess what? You've been already married for a long time. How many times you said to your wife, 'I cannot I cannot read your mind. Just tell me what you want. You know how many of those marriage jokes that they have, you know, that, okay, the guy go buy the paint and they have it in Benjamin Moore, they signed without wife's permission, we don't buy, like, sell you paint. And it sounds funny because everybody think that we decide on the color, but do you? Like, you know what I mean? So it's all about the communication. So that's very important to pay attention to that. And if you see the negative behavior from yourself, from your spouse, from your children, number one, it's ask question. Just honestly, instead of advice and, and I don't know, coaching or whatever, training our kids in the best way, you just ask million and a half questions. And literally, why I say million and a half? Because that's how it goes. Why? So go ahead.

Sorry, I wanted to ask you a question. Um, so, you know, you're going— you're, you're realizing all these things now that you're a mother, and you're realizing, you know, you're not acting the way you want to, but you're starting to realize where it's coming from. What did you— what was something you did? Did you read a book? Did you talk to somebody? What got you on the path of your emotional maturity, where you started to really work on your thoughts and your self-worth? And because it's obviously your self-worth and self-valuing, is that something that, you know, you've been through? And people will go through those things when they're in your situation. What was it? Was it a book? Was it a— did you hear something on the radio that helped you to realize, I need to take control of my emotions and my mind, etc.?

That's a really good question. And yes, number one book is the Bible because God renewed my identity through his word from inside out. And my worth and value I draw from who I am rather than what I did. So I'm a child of God. I'm loved, redeemed, and forgiven. But then it was 20 years of journey. And that's why when you guys listen and you like, if you ever compare and you're like, ooh, it was like 2 decades of suffering and struggle to figure those out. And yes, I listened to the podcast. I, uh, start recognizing patterns driving my reactions. I learned practical tools. I was working with mentors, coaches, life coach. I have even nutrition coach. I have, um, I have, um, psychotherapist. I had the lady who, um, were helping me to create new neural pathway in my brain through creating different habits. That's really helped me to look into trauma.

And can you just explain for people that don't know what that is, the neural neuroplasticity of our brain, or the neurons that are redeveloped and how that we can do that? Just talk a little bit more about that process.

Absolutely. Well, first of all, disclaimer, I'm not a doctor. I'm, I'm, I'm not a professional. If you need to get that more information, how your brain works, you, you, you please, uh, go and find that information. But what happened is I actually took so many, oh, I went through so many different therapists. And because like sometimes if it's not trauma-informed therapist, I actually make the therapist cry. Another therapist told me that I don't need help. So this is another thing because I convinced the therapist I don't need help. So this is the thing again, as a doctor too, like you have to find the people who will, uh, when you go and leave, um, hopeful. So I was praying. I'm like, man, like I'm special case. I need like something, but I didn't know that time what is it I need. So I was study this emotional and Intelligence and stress management and, and trying to like open every door that possible. The life coaches, I'm like, what is it I need? And then I was speaking in the event and I was selling my book and my table was right across one of the ladies and she came and she bought my book. And, um, that, that kind of God story, miraculous story, because I was there with my daughter, my oldest daughter. And this lady came to me on lunch and she was crying and she said, um, so I'm the psychotherapist. Would you be open to build the program for human trafficking survivors? Because I was working a lot with the kids with mental health challenges and God put it on my heart to actually create this program because they need to create, um, rewire their brain. So what, what, how I understand. So I tell you this way. So when I have a pattern, for example, it's imprinted in my brain and I couldn't figure out why this is happening because I'm more stable, I'm more calm. But every time we have an argument at the table when we eating together and my husband stands up, stand up, I'm on his right hand, I'm sitting in his right hand. And he's 6 feet tall. So when he shadow on me, I'm literally, I'm having— she explaining to me it's PTSD whiplash. I work with her for a year and she explained to me what is happening to me in those moments. So I literally cannot see anything and I have like severe panic attack and I start saying thing and he's like, what's happening to you right now? So everybody gets scared. And then I kind of like try to leave and he's cornering me and he's like, Lena, are you okay? Are you okay? Let's go outside. Do you need the fresh air? So he's trying to help, but my brain thinking that I'm being attacked. And I keep saying that, you know, like that I'm not safe and all that stuff. And especially like if he's trying to like pull me or something like that. I, I'm losing it. And, um, because you've been, you've been through that, because you've been through it. Exactly. So my brain thinking like, I'm getting hurt and I don't feel safe just because he— we have like heated conversation. But there was never, guys, literally he's never been, uh, physical to me. He— we're not swearing in our house. There's like no alcohol, drugs, or anything like that. So he just kind of defending my oldest one and I'm defending my youngest one because both of them have their own challenges. So we kind of have a family argument. Come on, remember like Thanksgivings and Christmases? That was kind of that kind of stuff. I'm not talking about some kind of abuse or whatever. And I couldn't understand. And then moments I'm almost awake and I understand this is happening, that almost like And it felt like I'm kind of trapped. Like I cannot see anything, but I understand everything and I cannot stop it. So she explained it to me. That's called PTSD whiplash. It's the same, for example, as veterans when they come home from war. If the exhaust pipe, you know, that noise, they think it's there.

It takes them back.

Yeah, they have the same thing too, like, so they can, like, whatever, like, it's happening. So that's what she explained it to me. And, um, I said to her, so what to do? And she said, we will create new neural pathways. So in that situation, we're gonna train the brain to react different— differently. And she gave me, like, tons of exercise in some of with cognitive behavior therapy, with sand and stuff like that. This is number one thing, guys. Like, if you have like anything that— actually, I wanted to teach you that breathing exercise, but this is number one thing that she told me instead of, um, um, telling my family, you know. She, she told me how to explain that to my family too, and she said explain them, for example, that you are drowning in that moment and they have to come to rescue, but they cannot touch or speak to you because you gonna react on that. So she said, put the orange oil everywhere in your house and start smelling the oil on your good days and breathing, you know, breathe in and breathe out. That's actually calm this parasympathetic I think it's called nervous system. And just 4 breathe in, 4 hold, 4 breathe out, breathe out. And even in your car, just smell that when you feel good. So when you have actually panic attack or reaction, all you have to smell, it smell the oil. So the kids or my husband have to just give me smell the scent. So it kind of pull me out of it. So it's like when you drown, they throw you this Life saver. Life saver. Yeah. So that one, because you cannot talk to the person who already upset, frustrated. It's very hard to speak and for the kids and for the adults. So that's kind of really important thing that is happening. That is with sense.

So that's a powerful understanding of the power of our mind. And where it can take us. And then learning that we— but we can retrain it. Um, and then the method she gave you was like a trigger to trigger you back to health, or whatever you want to call it. It was the scent, the scent.

But listen to this, this is like really kind of like creepy and cool kind of way. So I was doing this exercise every day, every day, every day, and then in the car, all my 3 kids. Oh my goodness, I drove 3 kids to school and they all losing it one morning. And instead of me losing it how I usually do, you know what my brain said to me? Smell the orange oil. Like in my head I hear, smell the orange oil. But there was no oil in my car that day. So I literally just come out on my driveway, I close the door, and I just start doing those breathing without the oil. So I got back into the car and I said to the kids, okay, listen, enough. And I was calm and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so cool. So I called her, I'm like, oh, I stay so cool, calm and collected through this crazy situation in my car. And she said to me, when your brain say smell the oil, you tell your brain, smell the oil. And when she told me, I smelled the oil without the oil. So my brain actually got the scent that it's remembered. Look, I have goosebumps. Yeah, yeah, literally, it was so crazy. She's like, brain saying smell the oil, so you smell the oil. Because I do it so much, I actually even now can feel the scent. So that, that's amazing how our brain actually wires. So wherever you train it that's what it's gonna be respond. If you train yourself breathe before stressful situation, you calm down before you go into it. If you train yourself breathe and smell essential oil, or especially orange, because orange citrus oils, the happy oils, and they actually can go into the brain too. They, they fascinated too. But anyway, the part is instead of like If you already in stressful situation and you feel like your anger and frustration like rising up very hard to come out from it, go have a breather. Go have a breather and take that pause and come back to it or don't come back to it and say, I will get back to you when I feel better. And that pause, that break will create that rift between the, uh, stress and that conversation. And you walk away, you come down, this person come down. But even this person not come down, you can make it more, um, intelligent decision what you're gonna say, what you're gonna do, and it's gonna actually, um, build that relationship rather than damaging. Because guess what? There was never ever anything good come out from anger, frustration. Um, it's, it just, it just bad, you know, like the relationship.

Well, what I, what I learned, I learned the same thing you're saying. I learned it from Stephen Covey, who he said that in between stimulus and response, there's a space. As human beings, we have the ability— when a stimulus comes, like say somebody says something to you, so you could react to that immediately. Well, you said that I hate you. Well, I hate you. And that's just reaction. But human beings have the ability to pause, as you're saying, and think about, okay, how do I want to respond to that? And so reaction in human relationships is usually negative. Reaction for survival— if somebody's going to hit me, yeah, I want to react. But in relationships, it's usually negative. So stimulus— I want to respond and not react, but to respond, I have to pause Maybe breathe, think, and what is it that I want to say or do at this moment? Like you said, maybe I just want to say, hey, I'm, I'm not ready, you know, talk to you later. Or I calm down and now I can respond just like you did. You got out of the car, you had that breathing, you smelled it, and you got back in. And, and that's what we teach. I teach it a little different way, but it's the same thing. Stimulus, We don't want to react to it. We want to respond. And there's the power is the space in between stimulus and response.

But listen to this. This is the caveat about these guys. And tell me, Richard R Ramos, what do you think about that? Only if you physically, emotionally, and mentally well, when your needs are met, when you are not being asked more energy, time, capacity in that moment. If you wiped and you're running on empty, you're never going to take that path.

That's right. Absolutely. I totally agree with that. Yes, that's right.

And I heard this, like, somebody, like Napoleon's general or somebody said, you prepare for war in a time of peace. So you have to learn what is stress. You need to make sure that what is the needs that I need to be met, met, so I stay cool, calm, and collected. And I told you guys, I'm real fast, I'm gonna tell you what is the stress can affect. So it's affect your thoughts, emotions, your body, and your behavior. So your thoughts: overthinking, racing mind, difficulty focusing. Your emotions: irritability, anxiety, frustration, feeling overwhelmed. Your body: tension, headaches, fatigue, and trouble sleeping. And your behavior: you snapping, withdrawing, emotional eating, scrolling, and overworking. So if you have any of those things that you need to address, because that's what actually gonna drain you and not allowed you to make rational decisions when the troubled times come. And guess what? Right, if you have a partner, If you live in, like, in a house with other people, this, this will be happening. And guess what? Not all stress bad. Some stress can motivate you to take action or respond to challenges. But ongoing constant stress without rest and without support can leave you emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. And guess what? You know where it's gonna spill? On people closest to you.

That's correct.

Very important. This learn how to take care of yourself. Like I always say, self-care is not selfish because honestly, when you thrive and when you are stable, and I see this in my home, my kids now have peaceful mom. I enjoy the food that I eat and I, I sleep well and I take all these steps, extra steps, make sure that I nourished and I go extra mile to get me the tea that I like. And I will ask my kids not to be in the kitchen when I'm before work and I need to calm down. And I really not calm down, I just wanna prepare and I have that moment to myself. So I have those boundaries and I can say them clearly because I know that communication is number one. And guess what? If your child, spouse, or anyone come to you and say, Listen, I need a moment to myself. I'm really drained from work and I just need to recharge my batteries. I really want to sit here and drink my tea and read my book. I just need space.

Yes.

I think we feel so guilty to asking to fill our needs. And guess what? You don't need people fill your buckets. You know, I hear like, oh, you need them fulfill. Like, no, you know what? You fill your bucket. And you know what? You don't need the ocean to fill that bucket. You know exactly what you need. We are so smart. Our brain like have so much wisdom. You know, like you're not sleeping if you're staying up like all the night just watching TV because you are so tired and you think, this is my time. Nobody bothering me. So I stay up late. And what? Next day, that bucket is empty. You know what you have to do. Just rest without guilt because you're working so hard. Rest without guilt. Say no without guilt. Clean up your schedule. See what kind of things draining you, what actually bring you life and joy. You know, keep the spouse and children on that list, okay?

Yeah, I want to. Work around them.

But, but I mean, you know, it's funny to say that, but, um, it's true.

It's true.

We'll, we'll give, um, I just run my event just this Monday and I will give you, Richard R Ramos, that exercise that I want your parents do, all your listeners, not only your parents, it will work for your parents too, but, but all the people who listen in this podcast, it's a free resource. Go and do this exercise. Honestly, just take a pause. And think, what is this stressing me out? What is this I need? And just start making one small change. You don't need to change the world and wait until kids move out to college to actually start taking care of yourself. Just add extra hour to your sleep. The small changes are the best. Add glass of water before breakfast. Do not skip the breakfast if you're not feeling well. You know, you know what that small thing is because that nagging voice in your mind that's saying you have to take a bath. You know, you need to enjoy your peaceful sleep. You need to read that book. You need to do this stuff. You're already saying this to yourself. So you're an expert in your own life. So choose that small action and just start taking care of yourself. You're going to love it. People are going to love it around you.

So, Lena, before we go, I want to, I want to, um, ask if you agree. Um, I know you agree, but I want to make this one point because it's, it's really important. Even though you gave your life to Christ and, you know, that completely changed your life, but we don't want people to think because as Christians, when we give our life to Christ, that doesn't mean that all these problems go away. Oh yeah, it doesn't mean that there's no work to be done. It doesn't mean that all our trauma and mental and everything is just gone, you know, poof, you know. Oh, now I became a Christian and it's all gone. Uh, but you're explaining here is all the work you had to do and that you continue to do. And all of us that are believers know giving your life to Christ is only step one.

Absolutely. I'm so glad that you point this out because honestly, I believe God already give us, you know, and wisdom and, and discernment, and he want us to take action. And he give us freedom. That's why he didn't make all of us believe in him, because he could do it with this other power, just make us slaves, just give our lives to him. He give us a free choice. So this is still our choice. If you're gonna wake up at 7 o'clock or you're gonna eat potato chips, like, or whatever you want to do with your life, this is your free choice. He give you this agency and reign over yourself. This is your job. This is my job to figure out my thoughts, my emotions, behavior. And you are in control of that because this was breakthrough for me that I'm my own person and I'm in control of my behavior, action and thoughts. And I can change. I don't have to stay there. Somebody say, you know the tree, you can move. So you can move if you make that decision. When I give my life to Christ, he give me that worth and value and salvation and forgiveness and It helped me to forgive myself, to forgive my past, to forgive my parents, and to not to draw my worth and value in my performance. And still it took a long time to understand that. It takes time. But I think what he delegate to us to actually— he does impossible, but everything that in my power, in your power, he wants you to do it. You're not gonna sit like this and say, that's it, I'm saved, I'm healed, I'm healthy and abundantly wealthy, but then you're like, yeah, it's fucking drinking like on the couch, you know. You have to— it's gonna be consequences no matter if you believe into God, to God or not. So that's really good distinction. Distinction. If you give your life to Christ you can walk towards peace. Because what I do believe he does, he will— when you call Holy Spirit, so I know that Spirit is in my heart, so he always with me and he lead me, he guide me, he walks beside me and he helped me not to punish myself but give myself grace. And I'm learning and I'm never gonna be perfect, but oh my goodness, I'm so much better. But the fact is that now I know that I hear sometimes like in my spirit, go talk to this person, open this door, do this stuff and that stuff, but it's still my choice. I can choose to stay where I am. It took me like 2 years to get into Christian Leadership Coaching program because 20 people told me after I shared my story that I should be like on podcast, I should be sharing tips and helping the people actually to make change in their lives. And I was scared. I was like, "I don't want to do it. I don't want to. This is too much. This is too different," and all that stuff. And then when I got into my school, I literally opened the book and I was praying to God. I'm like, "This is so amazing. Why didn't you call me here earlier?" And literally, I heard in my spirit, He's like, "I told you 20 times." 'You told me like you don't want it, you're scared,' and all this stuff. So he's never gonna force, not the relationship, not your change. You have to choose when is this right moment for you, and he will back you up every step of the way. But I believe like when we don't step out in faith, we're losing that time. But still, I'm not dwell on that because I know when that right time was for me, I was ready and was like, yeah. Anyway, I'm so, so glad. Thank you for asking.

Yeah, Lena, I want to thank you so much for your time. Thank you for sharing your story with us. And everybody out there, you're listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos. Thank you so much for listening. And always remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.