How To Build A Stronger Blended Family With Maria Natapov | Synergistic Stepparenting

Hello everybody and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, your host, and today I have a very special guest. Her name is Maria Nadipov, and I want to introduce her to you because she is— we have something very much in common, which is that she is a stepparent But not only is she a stepparent, she is helping stepparents and blended families and doing work much like, like I've done. As you know, you guys all, you know, I've written this book and I've been encouraging you that are blended families and stepparents to invest in yourself and, and read it because I'm just telling the story, telling my story. I'm telling the truth about my story, which Really looking forward to hearing Maria's story because being a stepparent, being, building a blended family is not easy. It's a difficult road. A lot of people don't make it, but it can be done. We can, we can be successful at it. But of course, it takes a little doing, and that's what we're going to talk about today. So Maria Nadapov is a co-parenting and step-parenting expert, vice chair of the Sparrow Collective, and trusted advisor to attorneys, therapists, financial professionals, and family-focused practitioners. She works with high-functioning parents who are used to holding it or holding everything together, but are starting to feel themselves slipping in moments that Matter Most. So Maria, welcome to the show. Thank you for joining me.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. And thank you for the work you do.

Well, thank you. And listen, tell us please about your experience and your background and kind of how you got into what you're doing.

Yeah, so, um, I got— this work is extremely personal to me. I was a child of a very, very, very contentious marriage that lasted too long. And was no better after the divorce. Um, and that was, uh, my whole childhood was really steeped in chaos and the conflict that my parents had, um, all around me. And, um, we also immigrated from Soviet Union when I was 8 years old to the States. It's a very different culture. The basic way they approach child rearing and kids is be seen and not heard, put your head down and obey. And kids are really treated more like possessions. There's really no emphasis on supporting them to gain skills to be autonomous and launch, if you will. So with all of that, I think it's probably not surprising I ended up in an emotionally and physically abusive first marriage that lasted way too long and didn't start off as a marriage. It was a way too long relationship that turned into a marriage, all of which lasted for way too many years, which was 16. And then I found my husband who had a daughter, and despite me trying to talk him out of dating me because I didn't feel I was mom material, um, he felt all of my early childhood experiences that left me wanting set me up to be a better parenting person, I guess, or role model than I was giving myself credit for. And 5 years into my step-parenting role, my daughter revealed she was abused and neglected. My then stepdaughter, to clarify. It's confusing because I use those two interchangeably. Um, so she came to live with us full-time. I found myself holding space for being a role mom— uh, holding space for being a mom figure and a role model, but not being mom. And, uh, despite her and mom doing family therapy. My kiddo decided she didn't want any contact, and then 5 years later she wanted me to adopt her, and so I did. So that was 2 years ago. So I've— a stepparent turned adoptive mom. It's all very messy. I emphasize for her that it's such an honor that she wanted me to be her mom, but that a piece of paper in our legal physical world does not erase history. And so I want her to know that whatever degree she wants to explore that relationship at any given point, that that is definitely her choice, and there's nothing standing in her way. And she, she gets to have her full self-expression in that regard whenever, whenever and if she decides to walk that path, right?

Yeah, well, that, that's a very, you know, I don't know if I want to say typical It's not necessarily typical, but it can be because you're dealing with a lot of dynamics when you are raising somebody else's child because there's always the biological parents and the biological in-laws, and then there's birthdays and there's graduations and there's all kinds of other holiday events. And so you, depending on the age of the children, how many there are, how long the other marriage was, you know, there might be traditions. So there's just so many things that we have to deal with. In my case, I married a woman who had a 2-year-old. And so that was the beginning of my, my marriage, married and parenting life. And That, you know, was not easy in the beginning. Um, uh, so I, I, I hear what you're saying. And so let me get it straight though. Are you saying that, that your daughter, your, who's your stepdaughter, but your daughter, she does or does not have a relationship with her biological mother?

She has chosen not to at this time.

She's chosen not to. Okay. So that could change. And I, you're very wise to leave the, leave the door open. For that because, um, you know, how old is she?

She is now 20.

Yeah, she's 20. So she could, you know, she could change her mind, who knows, later on. But, um, so in the work that I do, you know, a lot of the people are, are single mothers, or they've been divorced, or they've been— they're a blended family, or a step parent. So that was the reason I wanted to just get to know you and know your work and hear what you're doing, because we need more people like you. So tell me about your work.

Yeah, so I, um, there's two components. Um, one piece of my work is very much finding relief from the emotional residue that we collect over, um, through disturbing events. Um, and that is a really large component of my work. So I, I practice in two modalities. That one is called Rapid Resolution Therapy. Despite therapy being in the title, I'm not a clinician. It is not a clinical modality. It is a— I call it therapy-adjacent modality. Um, people will often come to me and they will say, I've been to therapy, I've been to a bunch of different therapists, I've done all kinds of work, I've healed it, but I have trouble releasing it. Somewhere in me I feel stuck, and it can be in the form of a, what I call a sticky emotion, like maybe grief, maybe anger, maybe depression, maybe anxiety, perhaps even panic attacks, things like, things that are very physical in nature or have a very physical component to the emotional experience. Sometimes it will be ruminating thoughts or trouble focusing or feeling like they can't put their attention where they really want to. Maybe it's studying, maybe it's a career, maybe it's some other endeavor that they're passionate about. Maybe it's getting over a breakup, perhaps with a toxic partner or not. So that's one component of my work. And really the intersection of this particular modality, which is so powerful, is it is non-retraumatizing, non-invasive, extremely quick acting, and what it truly addresses is the connection between our inner mind, which is responsible for our survival mechanism, and what we consciously know and understand. So consciously we know and understand an event that happened to us when we were 15 years old is no longer in existence, but our inner mind that's responsible for turning on this survival mechanism, very likely, if it was really disturbing, may still be operating as if that event is about to happen, is currently happening, or has just happened. And so naturally, that's not useful to us. So it's causing all kinds of thoughts, emotions, sensations to get us to take an action to stop something that is not currently in existence from happening. I think consciously we understand that's not valuable to us, not useful to us, and not really anything that we can actually do anything about. And so that's where this work, it's like the rubber meets the road, if you will. That's where it goes to work, is on the little— we call it like a data blip, like a data misread, uh, and it's very much stored in the physiological body. So even though there are conscious components and logical components to this, um, where it really feels stuck is in the body. There's something energetically and physiologically and at a cellular level that feels like it's not fully clear that's creating um, some sort of an automatic response. So, so that's one aspect of my work. The other aspect is really supporting families or individuals who are co-parenting or parenting to whatever degree. Maybe it's a blended family, maybe it's folks who are going through divorce or separation or post-divorce and recognize that they don't get divorced from being parents because we often don't, um, Or maybe it's folks who are living together, they have no intention of getting divorced, they're just finding that there's a lot of conflict, there's a lot of bickering, or they can't seem to agree on what is best for their children. Maybe it's agreeing on what religion the children are going to be raised with. Maybe it's agreeing on what is the education path, what is the— right, what are like the most important priorities when it comes to how their children are going to be schooled, or perhaps extracurricular activities, or maybe it's lifestyle. Or maybe it's values. And so that's where this work really comes into play, is creating a relational operating system, meaning how do we step into our own power? How do we let go of the fact that we're never going to be the same person, we're not going to think alike, but we can still create workability and cohesion? And more importantly, we can create a peaceful environment for a child, right? We can reduce the conflict because research shows the greatest predictor of how well children weather is not an event like a separation or divorce, and it's not an event like mom or dad having a new partner. It's actually the degree of conflict, um, and particularly from their primary parents, so their biological parents specifically. So if we can reduce that or eliminate it, then the more successful, the more emotionally secure the children will be, and the more that they will be able to adjust and really ensure their well-being long term.

So I forgot to ask you, first of all, you and I— I reached out to you on Alignable. I saw your, your profile, so I forgot to ask you, where are you located?

Oh yeah, I'm right next door to Boston in Quincy, Mass.

Okay, so you're way on the East Coast. Okay, okay. Um, so yeah, going back to what you said, uh, you know, a lot of people— I think I could say a lot of people um, are not real in touch with their subconscious mind, or they don't really think about it or know about it or consider it or understand that it's driving a lot of our behavior, you know, our thought life and then action and things like that. So, um, getting people to be willing to— or how do you get people to be willing to tap into that and understand that that's at the root of, or at the core, you know, like you said, physiologically, biologically, at the cellular level, um, to be willing to start to go there and learn, uh, what's happening there.

Yeah, so the good news is they don't have to, right? They are experiencing the negative effect of something that is going on there already. That's why they are having the negative, either sticky emotion that I was describing or certain sensations like for example, or even behaviors. So sometimes people are telling me they're waking up in the middle of the night replaying conversations, right? Replaying actions or perseverating over some topic or some event happening for them. And so that's an example of how there's something disturbing going on. There's something that is not in cohesion with us and how we would like to be living life, right? Something is happening. So the good news is they really don't need to do anything. It's just a conversation that they have with me. I'm responsible for bringing forward the outcome, their desired outcome. We just need to get clear on what it is that's going on. And then I explain a little bit about what Rapid Resolution Therapy is, how it works, and then if it feels good, really all it takes to engage with this work and have a positive outcome is just to be willing to give it a try. That's literally as simple as that. Everything else just happens because the beauty of when we bring those little sticky inconsistencies to light, um, the shifts are lasting and they're automatic. There's nothing to do. It's like we bring, um, it's a good analogy that I can use, um, like once we shine a light on the thing that's been causing a lot of turmoil, right, and we look at it and we bring it into that light, it, it just dissipates. It's a lot of times the unseen, the undistinguished, that is causing a lot of havoc, if you will. And it's true in the coaching work that I do in building relational operating systems as well. It— we just approach it a little bit differently. That has to do with shoring up our own internal resources, gaining skills, gaining tools, and creating a structure. And by structure, I mean predictability and a way of interacting. So we talk about when should communication happen, how frequently, what are the different things we will be discussing versus what is what does not belong as a part of these kinds of conversations. Again, all of my work tends to be around— it tends to be child-focused. We also talk about, you know, how our perspectives, how the nuance ways and the role that we play, right? Like how we show up to a particular situation, how our response, the words we choose, when we choose to respond, what we're carrying within ourselves while we're responding, because all of our communication also contains energy, right? It's not just our words, it's our facial expression, it's our intention, it's everything surrounding that piece of communication. So the more clarity we have within ourselves of what are the emotions we're experiencing, what's underneath the emotions— because emotions are just— societally we like to label them as good and bad. They're not good or bad, they're neutral. They're just information about what's happening in our body, right? Something's demanding our attention and it's pointing to that. That's all that's going on. So the more that we have that understanding and a way to gain clarity around that within ourselves, the more effective our communication with the other person will be, because we will no longer be coming from a sense of blame. We will be coming with clarity. We will be coming with a very clear intention. And when that intention is child-centered, well, no parent frequently can really argue with that, because usually both parents love that child and they genuinely want the best for them. So that's really where the work happens. It's within ourselves. How can we step into our own leadership, including in a relationship? And this is my passion that you sort of touched on in the introduction, um, Richard R Ramos, and I really appreciate it. My particular passion based on my experiences is the nuances of what makes us feel disempowered, that we're overcarrying, that we're trying to manage the emotional outcomes for others, or we think that if we don't do it, then it's not going to get done, it's going to be a mess. I really love to support those people because that's a symptom of self-abandonment frequently. And I've lived that for many, many years, and I see it in my lovely daughter, and we talk about it, right? I mean, it's— it happens to a lot of people, especially a lot of really well-intentioned people. And frequently, even though the experiences that's happening in this romantic relationship now, often it didn't start there. Often there are certain little seeds that were planted long, long, long ago that we didn't notice because we were young, we had no idea, and we got conditioned, and these seeds took root, and then they sprouted. And then usually they somehow may have gotten exacerbated within a particular relationship, or maybe even multiple relationships. But that's the opportunity we have, right? When we start to understand these patterns, when we start to understand that, um, certain default actions are no longer serving us to produce the outcome we want, and we actually learn new skills that bring us better outcomes. I'm never gonna suggest this work is easy because it's not, and there's not a magic fix. However, it is very much accessible. And I like to remind people that peace is very much something you can build. Yes. It's not just a magic thing that happens to you or you stumble into. You can create it, you can build it, and yes, it will take something, but it's very much worth it. And most importantly, I think our greatest opportunity is to break the cycle for our children. Right, way too much.

Yeah, getting— helping, uh, us get into that mindset that we can create, you know, our reality, and that we don't want to be in that blame victim mentality, because that's— yeah, that doesn't, that doesn't help anybody. Um, now when you do your work, is it individually, groups, or how do you work?

So, um, I work individually and with couples. I also— I don't have one right now, now, but I also work in a small group cohort. And what that looks like is it's a hybrid of group classes with 3 to 5 couples, as well as— we call them joint meetings in this program. So that would be when the couples would meet with me one-on-one every other week to really implement this work further, right? Because these skills, they really need to be put to action right away. That's the whole point. But I can work with even just one person one-on-one, and it creates a powerful result because it's just like an equation, right? If you have A B C, if you change the variable of A, you don't get C anymore, you get a different outcome. And it very much works like that, right? We talk a lot about we have no magic wand, so I can't— never going to change your co-parent. Let's just assume they're always going to be the same for the rest of their lives. They're going to do what they do. You don't like it, they press your buttons, they're going to keep doing it. How can you show up differently to that moment? What skills are you going to rely on? What structure are you going to lean on that will support you to not get pulled into the, uh, riptide of the chaos?

Yeah, yeah. And do you, um, how do you— or how do people find you? Do you market, or do you word of mouth, or how do you, you know, find your— how do they find you?

Yeah, I think a bit of both. I do have relationships with a couple of law firms, um, one in New York, one in Massachusetts that serves Rhode Island also. And, um, I'm really fortunate that I have professionals who trust me with their, with their referrals and their clients, which is like my greatest, my greatest gift. But I, I am also told a lot that I'm out there a lot, I guess. I don't know. I mean, I do speaking engagements, I do podcast guesting like I am doing today. I, I am out there on the internet and the socials, so I'm part of a couple of divorce directories.

So yeah, yeah, no, that's great. Um, and do you have a podcast or you, you're on podcasts?

So I have a podcast that I have not been creating new episodes for. I kind of switched my format. So I, I have a podcast called Synergistic Step Parenting, and I have 100 episodes of that. But more recently, been having conversations with divorce professionals and, um, and other tangential professionals. And I've been doing Facebook Lives because I'm just really enjoying the rich conversations that can come when there are two different perspectives, um, and how we can explore topics in, in a deeper, more meaningful way, I think. So I've been really enjoying that. They are going to be up on my YouTube channel. I'm just a little behind and properly.

Join the crowd. Join the crowd. It's easy to get behind when we're doing all this stuff that we're doing. But that's great. So when you're working with— what's just giving the audience is listening to parents. If you're listening out there, I hope you're really paying attention to what Maria is saying because she has said a lot of good things. A lot of principles that she's sharing that really cause you to be aware of what's going on with you rather than trying to focus on your co-parent or your child, whatever, because there's nothing we can do. We can't change them, but we can work on ourselves. Um, so what I wanted to ask you is, is there a typical time frame that you see? I know everybody's different as far as working, you know, that you work with them, uh, and where you start to really see that transformation, uh, take place?

Yeah, so one thing that I'm really excited about the framework I teach from is it is a time-based, like, it is a limited time engagement, um, and I think that's really important. So it is a 16-week curriculum. That's it.

You get that 16 weeks. Yeah, exactly.

4 months, 16 weeks. Okay.

Once a week? Once a week?

Once a week is optimal to create, to keep the momentum going, because again, this work is about transformation. And an hour long, 2 hours How long my sessions are? An hour and a half.

Hour and a half. Okay.

A lot of material. I have slides, we have worksheets, there's a lot, um, and I want to make sure you get every drop and every, every little bit of goodness that, that you're signing up for. So I wouldn't want to shortchange you, so I, I do an hour and a half because I think it's important to have enough space to go over everything. Um, and you know, you get what you put into it, but I think a big piece is just simply showing up. Up, right? Just showing up. And when life gets difficult— because this work often is not done in the happy moments, right? When everything's going great, you don't need anybody, you're fine. It's, it's in the moments where everything feels like it's happening all at once. And life never stops giving us those kinds of circumstances, right? That's just how it is. It's never convenient, whether it's a personal challenge we're working through, whether it's a medical issue ourselves or a loved one is working through, or some other difficult life transition that we're maneuvering through. It could be divorce, it could be moving to another place, you know, it could be all kinds of different things that require a lot of us. And it's during those moments where this is particularly important. And the reality is too, as we start to tune into the awareness of how we're showing up, how we're utilizing these skills, we start to realize the breakdown frequently does not happen overnight, right? It's all those moments where we don't have the tools, don't have the skills, don't have a better way, and eventually it's resentment and it's frustration and it's— we're just feeling completely lost in the chaos and we're just floating around clinging onto like a little piece of wood, right? Like in this giant ocean out to sea, and we're like, how did I get here, right? And I think many of us can relate to that experience, which is exactly why I'm so passionate about this work, is it really does give you everything you need to no longer feel like, I have no idea what I'm doing and I need somebody else to come in and save the day or to come in and make a decision about who's right and who's wrong. Because what you learn is that it's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about how do we create workability and how do I protect my own peace, that that is my responsibility for myself and my child. It is not dependent on somebody else.

Yeah, we say it's not about who's right, it's about relationship.

Exactly.

That's really what it's about, not about arguing, well, you, you, or she, or they, and they owe me an apology, you know. It's— I— what we're teaching parents, the same focus, it's focusing on you. We're not focused on the problems that rebellious youth create, we're focused on the problems that create rebellious youth.. And that usually happens in the home. And so the reason why young people are acting out or not, they're disobedient or they're angry or sad, you know, what's really, really going on. I, I used to be, um, very involved in the gang prevention intervention kind of industry in the '90s, and I remember that, um, oftentimes I would go to a conference and I always felt like there, first of all, there was no agreement between federal, federal, state, and local law enforcement. They all had a different definition of what a gang is, why kids join gangs, what's the best way to prevent them from joining gangs. And I would sit there and now I come, I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles. So gangs and drugs and violence is very much a part of my, my upbringing. My mother I was raised by a single mother. My father was an alcoholic. So coming from that life, I, I lived that, I lived in it. And when I would go to these conferences, I would sit there and say, I don't know, these people, it's like they're focused on the wrong thing. And one of the things I used to teach was, if you want an answer, you're asking the question, why do kids join gangs? And you're framing It's the wrong question if you want an answer. The question is not why do kids join gangs? The question is why do most kids not join gangs? Because most of the kids in any school, in any neighborhood are not gang members. It's a minority. So what's the difference? And I would say the difference is the kind of home they're being raised in and the relationship that they have with whoever is their guardian. And so in, in our program, that's— it's similar to yours. It's, it's not about them and the they and her and him. It's about me.

Yeah.

And so many of the parents that come to Parents on a Mission, they'll say, I thought I was going to come here and learn how to fix my kid. And it's— no, it's not learning how to fix your kid. It's learning how to fix ourselves.

Yes. How to give them the environment, because you're right, it's the culture largely that contributes to how they go about making decisions and how they handle themselves when, you know, push comes to shove. And how do they uphold their values? What even are their values, right? How do they live into those values that we hope to instill in them? That's actually the whole crux of the program that I teach.

So out of the 16 weeks Uh, can you just cover a couple of topics that you teach? Maybe just two or three of the— what you would feel like are really core? Yeah.

So one of them, as I actually just mentioned at the very beginning, is if we don't have a very clear idea of where we're headed, we can't chart a course. So at the very beginning, we get really clear, like, what is the goal for your particular parenting role? Whether you are staying together with a partner and you're trying to create more workability at home and more peace and be more on the same page, whether you're co-parenting post-divorce and you're, you're just looking for workability around decision-making and exchanging information and making your child feel more secure, right? And more, more supported by both of you. Um, whatever it is, it's what is your goal first and foremost. And secondly, What are the values you really wish to instill in your child? Because that becomes our North Star. That is the— that is the— I won't say catalyst, but that is the way that we're going to create that goal and live into it. And I think there's a lot of other things too. I mean, we talk about self-regulation, again, what emotions mean, how do we understand what they're pointing to, what's important. We talk about how to communicate. We talk about perspective. How are we viewing our, um, other co-parent. And you know what, how confirmation bias plays into everything. There's just so much. We also deal with the notion of forgiveness within ourselves, and we talk a lot about strategic empathy, not because our co-parent deserves it or we owe them anything, but because when we have empathy for them, it creates a better experience for our child and it gives them more access to a better version of that parent. To our child. And of course, I would hope that most of— version of both parents that they possibly can have access to. But I think a big component that's critical is creating effective boundaries, which unfortunately I find that there's a lot of misinformation, um, about what boundaries are, what their role is, and how to construct them effectively. So I hear a lot of people say, oh, they crossed my boundaries, and quite literally, and it took me a long time to learn this, and I didn't know this until I fully became certified in this modality, it just doesn't exist. What that sounds like is that somebody made a request, somebody didn't honor that request, because they can't cross your boundaries. Your boundaries are yours to uphold. So how they need to be constructed is, um, in order to support a goal, whatever that goal is, and taking into account, like, what are your needs, what are your absolutes, as well as the other person. And by the other person, I mean, for example, in co-parenting, it would be our child or our children, right? So we have needs, our children have needs. How can we find a middle ground where we can— right, like, when we can answer the question for both of us and support both of us? Or again, if you have multiple kids, what does that picture look like? And how can we ensure that we're constructing these boundaries and consequences in a way that will support those needs, right? And living into them. And again, in support of that goal. So for folks I work with who are feeling disempowered or have been overcarrying and doing too much on their own shoulders, they sometimes are dropping in boundaries like a wall because they have been doing way too much. They're exhausted, they're burning out, and they have no more capacity. And so they drop in this hard wall like, "I said no," because they have no more space for anything else. But the reality is that's not going to be effective because a wall, well, it keeps everything out, right? And you can't have effective co-parenting if you have a literal wall. Nothing gets through. It's impossible to reach the other person, and kids really need you to be exchanging information and making decisions together to some degree, whether you're even physically speaking to each other or not. There's other ways we can work around that if that's not available. So the key is, how can you protect your peace enough that you have the capacity to be in communication while also, um, again, making sure that your peace is protected? And so we explore what that looks like. It's very different for every single individual situation because even on paper, if circumstances look the same, no two families are the same. Different players, different needs, different circumstances. It's, it's unique to that particular situation. So, so the process is the same, but how we're applying it is completely different. I'm not at the helm of the ship. I'm not telling you what to do. It is not prescriptive. It is very much designed by the individual or couple that I'm working with, but it is very much taking their, their needs into account. And I'm just a guide, making sure that what they're creating is truly supportive and holds water during times of a storm, which is when you need that structure to work. So, right.

So based on what you said, for everybody that's listening, and Maria, correct me if I get it wrong. What she is saying, for those of— especially those of us who were speaking mostly to stepparents because of the struggle, if you're new, especially if you're new coming into a stepparent situation, then there's a lot of things that have to be worked out as you go along. If you're not new, then you already know that there's those tensions, those um, pressure points, those arguments that you're having, whether it's with your stepson or daughter or whether it's with your spouse, whatever. But what Maria— I heard her say was the first thing is that you have to know what the end goal is. Or as Stephen Covey likes to say, what's the end in mind? You have to start with the end in mind. What is it that we want here? And that's a discussion that you can have with somebody like Maria, or with your spouse, or if there's another counselor, or if you want to have it with me, um, because we— I understand that principle. That's very, very important. And the second thing she talked about was boundaries, and that, uh, boundaries is more about a reciprocal support system. If that's— you didn't use the word reciprocate, but the way I heard it was It can't be just, this is my boundary and that's it, don't cross it. It's more, let's talk about boundaries that work for both of us. Is that—

Yeah, exactly. And boundaries are— it has a negative connotation, but really they are a bridge. They are a support element of a caring, respected, respectful relationship. So instead of waiting until things are going wrong to create boundaries, What if we created them on purpose from the beginning to protect the health and well-being of the relationship? What if it truly felt supportive? What if that was the way that we approached this conversation from the very beginning?

So in ending here, um, Maria, is there a, um, short story you have of somebody you work with that you— they came to you and with X problem and you walked them through this 16-week process and, and now, you know, the things that they were dealing with. I don't know if you have any follow-up with it with your clients, but just a story to maybe encourage somebody out there.

That's, you know, I'll share my own story because, um, recently, so my, um, daughter, it's probably not surprising with the history that I described, it was a really challenging time for her to navigate everything that she had been navigating and for a long time, she was not emotionally stable, right? As one would probably expect with abuse and neglect that she suffered. And so, um, it was really scary. So creating boundaries was, was not an option for my husband and me. It was terrifying, you know. And the scariest thing is thinking that you creating boundaries would put your child over the edge, right? She had suicidality, she had disordered eating, she had horrible panic attacks and anxiety and depression, complex PTSD. I mean, all the things. So boundaries were really not something we— or consequences were something that we could explore. And she was a really good kid too. And what we had to realize is, um, in her freshman year, she really struggled. She was living in college and she was not emotionally well. She was not with us. She chose not to be. She was very close if she wanted to come home. But it was really difficult. And she was coming home because she realized she doesn't want to stay at that school anymore, and she was going to live at home and go to a more local college. And we had to figure out what are we going to do, because things couldn't continue the way they had been before, right? She was no longer— this is not going to be 13th year of high school. This is going to be her as a legal adult living with us, right? To a degree, there has to be a roommate situation. To another extent, she still needs to scaffolding, how do we step into this new version of ourselves as parents and what do we create as far as a structure? And it took me 9 months to really confront myself and my fears. You know, we had already confronted through various experiences in the past, my husband and I, that we can't want her to live more than she wants to live, right? We can't be functioning from that fear. So that was clear to us. But how to really create a structure that supported us not living from our fear was a whole different ballgame. And it was very difficult. And it was very scary. And in the beginning, when I sat with these questions, I felt like I could barely breathe. My chest was tight, and I found myself every time that I wasn't working or in a meeting, it was terrifying. Like, I just felt like I was constantly at the edge of, like, somebody about to push me out of an airplane without a parachute, right? Like, that's what it felt like. But the more I sat with it, the more I sat in those feelings, the more I did find more room. I did find more ease. I did find more wisdom, more clarity, more insight, and it crystallized for me over time. And it took a while, I'm not going to suggest that it didn't. It did crystallize for me over time what was truly important and what, what is the essence of what I'm trying to accomplish and what I'm trying to protect, right? Both for me and for her, because I knew if I'm going to create a culture where she truly can access the level of courage and the level of autonomy that I'm hoping for her, I have to live it first. I have to show her how, and I can't just do it at the surface level. I have to become it. I have to release that fear from my heart, right, from the root of like where I source myself. And that was the work that I had to do, and that's what this allows people to do. That's what it really allows access for. And it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. What was interesting is my husband and I also have, um, probably not surprising, a structure for how we communicate. We communicate once a week, and if we— if there's important time-sensitive discussions, we'll schedule more time. We would touch base and talk about it and, and explore and share ideas about, you know, what it was that we felt was important and what we were concerned about making sure we're not doing and why and all the things. And as that solidified through those conversations, and we actually had a solid plan. And then we shared that plan with my daughter. And we also did kind of prepare her a little bit to get her excited about the notion of, you know, with responsibility comes freedom and comes, you know, you can create your life to be fun as long as you're taking care of your responsibilities and sort of getting her excited about having more of that freedom, but also more of that sense of responsibility that this is not a punishment. When we finally shared the plan with her that were non-negotiables, she was excited. Like, she, she had a job within a couple weeks. She was on her own phone plan within a couple weeks. Like, you know, she, she was excited to step into that chapter. It's just we hadn't confronted ourselves. We hadn't created a structure beforehand to ensure that, you know, she had a way to access it. This gave her somewhere to start that she could start to feel into her own autonomy and her feeling responsible for her life. And it, it's been growing and it's been a beautiful experience through the last year. She's been doing amazing. And it was remarkable. I could have never imagined that this would be so supportive for her. And so I think, again, the courage, the invitation is when we step into our own power, when we're willing to do things that make us uncomfortable and confront that it— the rewards are leaps and bounds for our children. That's really the gift. The gift is what we get to pass on to them, what we get to show them through our own experience and courage.

Yeah, and stepping into that, uh, our own power. But also, you're giving people a process, you're giving them the tools, and that's what your program, um, is all— I don't know, did you call it a program, or what would you call it?

It is a framework, I would say. Yeah, I call it Let's Lean Into the Process because it's very much a process. Yes.

Yeah, good. And that's good. Um, now is there anything that I didn't ask you or anything you want to share in, in, uh, to the audience? And many are stepparents, so yeah.

I mean, I think it's just really important to be true to yourself. And you probably say this all the time, Richard, but, um, I know that a lot of us are lone wolves, right? We're especially those of us who are, who have been successful because we've just had to, right? We've just had to do it ourselves. We had no other choice. And it's remarkable that you've been able to do that. And also, you don't have to keep doing it on your own, because some of this work is just— you don't know what you don't know.

That's right.

And it's in the what you don't know that actually the opportunities and possibilities and the openings await. And yes, you could hope that you will stumble into them one day, but the beauty is you don't even have to do that. You can have access to it now. You can choose to take the first step on a path, and you can be guided. And a lot of this work too, I think all of us can probably speak to, you also just can't see what you can't see from inside of your own experience, right? We all need a sounding board. We all need a guide. We all need to be able to look from outside of ourselves and And again, we can choose to do that work the hard way, but, but why? And the cost is tremendous to us, but also our kids, right? Our kids who need the support now, our kids who need us to start learning new tools now and using them now, not some tomorrow that may or may not come. Right. So I think that's my advice is at least have a conversation and explore your options. And if you don't need the support, great. But if, if and when you do, at least you know already what is available to you, what that looks like, and you'll have clarity. Because the last thing you want to do is when you're overloaded and you go from the frying pan into the fire is to try now to collect information when you're already at a detrimental place in crisis.

Yeah.

So find out information now and be ready and really explore what that path could look like, because I promise the rewards are so much greater than you can ever imagine.

Well, there you have it, everybody. That's some pretty good stuff right there. Um, thank you so much, Maria. And tell us, where can people find you online, or if you have a website, or whatever information you want to share?

Yeah, first of all, thank you so much for this conversation. Thank you for the amazing work you do. It's so important supporting our youth. I think kids are carrying way too much, whether or not they're navigating a life transition like parents who are blending a family and new family members coming in, or separating or divorcing, or just chaos at home. Life is difficult for young people. They are, they're facing tremendous pressures while still trying to understand who they are, and it's, it's really, really, really difficult for them. So your work is so important, Richard R Ramos. And, um, yeah, I do have a website. It's actually in the process of being updated to more accurately reflect all the things I've been about today. Um, so in about a week or so that should be fully updated, but it is called synergisticstep parenting. That's two Ps. Um, and I am also on LinkedIn at Marian Adipov and also on Facebook, also at Marian Adipov.

All right. All right. Well, listen, um, I appreciate your time and really, you know, what you're doing again, step-parents is dear to my heart. Because I've been doing it from day one. All right, so everybody, thank you so much. Um, you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, and if you know somebody who could really benefit from this episode, please share it with them. Also, to help me reach more parents— that's my goal— if you would be so kind to like the video, share the video, leave a review. If you have questions, happy to answer those questions. That would really help me to just continue to reach more families, and that is what it's all about. And always remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents like you who want to get better. Thanks for listening.