How To Close The Stepdad Gap

All right, everybody, welcome to another podcast, uh, The Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard R Ramos, your host, and it's always a blessing to speak to you. Thank you, all of you who are subscribing. I really, really appreciate it. And I look forward to your reviews. I look forward to your questions. Anything that you— that I'm not touching on that you want to touch on or you want to talk about, you want me to talk about, please let me know. Leave that in the review. And thank you for sharing these podcasts with other parents, other family and friends that you believe this would be helpful, uh, helpful to them. So today what I want to do, I'm going to share from my other book, uh, the last book I've written, which is The Art of Step Parenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. Now, this is a big part of my story, my personal story. Um, I've been a stepparent my whole parenting life. Uh, when I married my wife, the mother of my children, she already had my, my stepson, who, um, at the time was 2, and now he's 50 or 51. He's doing a great job. He's a high school football coach, but I got to brag a little bit. He's won 5 of the last 7 state championships in Idaho. So they've been the state champion the last 5 out of 7 years. And so we're, we're just very, very proud of him. But that journey Started a long time ago, and it wasn't easy. It hasn't been easy. And currently, my wife and I, we have 8 children amongst us. If you know my story, the mother of my children, my 5 children, passed away when they were very young. And so That was— that's a whole another issue. But I write about it in here. I tell that story. It's not a happy story. And my whole blended family stepdad story is not a happy story. Uh, I've made a lot of mistakes. I've made decisions, um, that hurt my children, hurt other children and other people. And so I feel like I had to be honest about that and Uh, so I, I wrote this book because I wanted to be helpful. Uh, maybe there's some other stepdads out there, stepparents, or blended families. You're struggling. Um, you know what it's like. It's just not easy, um, to raise someone else's child or children, and then to, if you have children, to blend your children with their children. Um, it, it's just, it's a, it's a lifelong journey. We, we still We still have our issues once in a while. It's not like it used to be, but we still have issues, to be honest. And that's just kind of the way it is. But that's what I write about and tell that story and tell our story. And the thing about it is that when you get down to it and it's like, okay, well, what's the answer? Richard, you know, you're bringing up this, bringing up that. What's the answer? And the thing— the truth is, the answer is everything I'm teaching in Parents on a Mission. The principles are no different. The only difference is I put them in a little different context in this book to just— to speak to a stepdad, a stepmom, stepkids. So to put it in that context, but the principles really are the same. So that's my— some of my story. Of course, not all of it, but a lot of it is in here and in my other books. Um, but I want to encourage you to buy these books and to share these books with other people. Um, of course, to listen to the podcast, you could do that too, as you were doing. But, um, if you like to read— and hopefully, you know, I've had good feedback on, on this on my books. You know, they're easy to read, and I want to encourage you, uh, to buy them. And, and not only for yourself, but to share it with somebody else who you think it might be helpful to them. So today I'm going to talk about the chapter 6. It's called The Stepdad Gap. Very short chapter. I remember a moment when my three oldest kids had become teenagers, and I found myself needing to apologize for some mistakes I had made as their father. I was in a period of personal growth and had begun to see how it was impacting them. They were starting to notice and resent that their two younger siblings were benefiting from a more patient, understanding, and flexible version of me. Recognizing this, I decided to sit down with them and share my heart. I wanted to apologize for the experiences they had had with the younger less experienced father. I wasn't abusive, but I had been overly strict and intolerant in ways that I knew might have hurt them emotionally. As I addressed each of them, I turned to my oldest son, my stepson, whom I have raised since he was 2 years old, and apologized for being too harsh in disciplining him at times. To my surprise, he broke down and began to cry. Until that moment, I hadn't realized how deeply I had hurt him, nor how long he had been carrying this pain in his heart. It was a powerful and humbling moment. I could feel and see that healing was taking place between us. All that was left to do was to embrace him, cry together, and sincerely apologize. Up to that point, we had a good relationship, but from that moment on It deepened in ways I hadn't expected. Our bond grew stronger, and it remains so to this day. But here's the truth. I go on. But what I want to address here is the question of why. Why did I discipline him too harshly in the first place? Why had I acted that way? The honest answer is that he wasn't my biological son. It wasn't that I didn't care for him or that I didn't have a love for him. I did. But at that point in my life, I had to confront the reality that I wasn't being the best version of myself as a dad or a stepdad. So that's— Wow. I go on in the story, but I just want— what I want to point out is the power of parents, stepparents, doesn't matter. Having the wherewithal, the self-awareness, and the humility to recognize when you need to speak to your children in that way. I was in a period of growth, and they saw that. I didn't even think about it, but they saw, wow, you know, you never let us do that, Dad, or you used to get on my case about that. And, you know, here my— their, their two little sisters, you know, they're getting away with all— it's like, well, they weren't really— weren't getting away with it. It's just that I wasn't making it a big deal still like I used to. I wasn't being as harsh or petty, maybe, as I was with the 3 older ones. And now I was learning, I was growing. Um, and I could have just left it at that, but, but see, I— that, that's what Parents on a Mission is all about. And in this case, I'm talking about, uh, being a stepdad. And so when I apologized to my stepson Um, it had huge ramifications in a positive way, but not only then, to this day, to this day. Uh, I don't know that I could— yeah, we're coming up on a year, so if I were to try to find the Father's Day text he sent me last year, um, It says it all. So I can just paraphrase it. And this is not the first time he has said this. Not the first time. As a matter of fact, I could go back to the very first time, and that was— that happened when his mother passed away. Now, when his mother passed away, he was 19 years old. My other son was 15, and my girls were 12, 10, and 8. So it was a very difficult time, and I, I do talk about it in the book, but I, you know, he, his dad is a good man. He always had a good relationship with his dad, and his dad would always be involved in his life. So I just kind of figured, you know, he was going to leave. He's 19, you know, he's a, you know, young man, and, uh, he— I just figured, you know, he probably would, you know, go live with his dad. Their mother passed away in November, and the following Father's Day, so several months after that, in June, he gave me a card on Father's Day. And again, paraphrasing, basically what the card said was, Richard R Ramos— He calls me Richard. It's funny, because when he talks to the kids he says, Dad. But when he talks to me, he says, Richard, which is cool. He said, Richard, I know that you're thinking that now that Mom's gone that I'm gonna leave. But he said, I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with you and my brother and my sisters. You're my dad, and I love you, and words to that effect. So you could imagine what that meant to me, what that did for me. I mean, it was huge. And there's been other times throughout the years that he has both told me that, and then again just recently told me that I've, I've been the, the person who's had the greatest influence in his life. So Why am I saying all this? Well, stepdads out there, this is what— is what we want. This is the kind of relationship that we want. And now, with my wife, now we have 8 children. She has 3 boys, so again, I have 2 boys and 3 girls. She has 3 boys, and, um, it's been a challenge. We did not get together in great circumstances, to say the least, but that was 23 years ago, and today we have a good relationship. Mhm. I'm still working on with one, the youngest, but, but the relationship is there. And it can be had if we're willing to work on ourself. That's why I'm encouraging you to buy these books, because I will walk you through how to get there. How does this happen? It's not gonna happen by you looking at the behavior of your stepchildren, at criticizing to your spouse about her or his kids. It's not gonna happen that way. Or you saying, "Hey, those are your kids. I don't wanna deal with that. I don't need to deal with that. That's your problem." That kind of thing. That's why a lot of stepfamilies don't make it. See, but if you are in love with their mother, as talking as from a man, if you're in love with their mother, really in love, you don't want that because she won't be happy. My wife's not happy when I don't— if I don't get along with the kid, her kid, not only my kids, her kids. She's not happy. I want her to be happy. So I've had to really work on myself And it has not been easy, but I've done it. And I'm, I'm here telling you, all you stepdads that are listening to this, it can be done. And it doesn't matter if, if say you say, well, things are, are terrible right now. There, there's all kinds of issues and problems and this and that. Well, welcome to the club. I've been there too. But there's such a thing called reconciliation, and that's one of the principles that we teach in Parents on a Mission, how to reconcile when things don't go well. Mm-hmm. That's the answer. That's the key. That's in the book, both books, this book and my Parents on a Mission book. But like I said, this particular book is focused on being a stepdad, um, and I talk about— the chapter is called The Stepdad Gap, and I talk about closing the stepdad gap, and I give four principles of how do you close that gap, you know, because you— that tension, that awkwardness, that, you know, they're doing stuff but you don't say anything, or you're saying too much like I did and you make that mistake. And so now there's a gap between you, there's a friction, there's an awkwardness, you know, and it's not a pleasant feeling and it brings— it causes problems in your marriage. You, you guys, you know that. You guys, I don't have to tell you that. You know that. Because you can't be happy if your wife is mistreating your little girl or your little boy or your kids. If you— if they're older, you, you're not going to be happy, and she's not going to be happy, vice versa. If I'm not treating her kids— if you're mistreating her little boy or her older boy, it doesn't matter whatever age they are. They are— all of our kids are adults now. They're all adults. Some of them have kids. So how do you close that gap? So the first thing I talk about is a position of authority. This can vary greatly depending on your relationship with your spouse and the dynamics of who takes the lead in the household. In some cases, you may hold a position of authority, while in others, you may take a back seat depending on who wears the proverbial pants in the family. You know, sometimes the, the parent doesn't want the stepparent to deal with their kids. Sometimes that happens. You know, normally, you know, I believe that a man should take authority and out of, uh in a servant leadership way, in a respectful, loving way, not a dictatorial, authoritarian, demanding way, but in a servant leadership way. But sometimes the wife doesn't want you to do that. She doesn't want you to deal with the kids. You're— she's not giving you that position of authority. And so that's something you have to work out. You just— something you have to talk about and come to an agreement on it and come to an understanding of it. You know, that could say a lot of things about, but I'll just leave it there. You, you have to come to an understanding and the ramifications of what it means if you're going to take a certain position. And number 3, be willing to change, be willing to be open and willing to talk about it, say, you know what, this isn't working. Second is the disciplinarian. Whether or not you take on the role of disciplinarian often depends on, on how your spouse feels about your style of discipline and involvement in setting and enforcing rules. Some mothers may prefer to handle discipline themselves, while others may expect you to share this responsibility. So it's the same thing. But see, in my case, I took on the disciplinarian role too soon. That was a huge mistake I made. I tried to tell her boys what to do and get on their case and stuff too soon, even though I was right, because they were disrespecting her. They weren't listening to her. They weren't doing anything she would say. They wouldn't, they were just rebellious completely. So that's wrong. But I stepped in and tried to correct it too soon. It wasn't my place at that time. So again, the role of disciplinarian, that's something again you're going to have to work through, work out, talk about it. Uh, and the bottom line is getting results. Now, in Parents on a Mission, in this book, I have a whole chapter on discipline, the proper use of discipline, and an understanding that punishment is not discipline. Discipline is teaching Punishment is just consequences, and you don't care whether the kid learns anything or not or changes. You just want there to be consequences. Discipline— you're teaching them a lesson so that they'll learn and grow and change. All right, whole— again, that's a whole lesson I could get into, but it's in the book. It's in this book. Third, provider. Acting as the family provider can also become a source of tension depending on how you and your spouse view work, money, and family finances. Aligning these issues is crucial to avoiding misunderstandings or resentment. A lot of couples— it doesn't have to be step, uh, spouses, it could be regular, uh, couples that fight over money. Oh my God, money. Again, could go on and on about this, but again, that's something that— who, who's the provider? How do we— let's— we got to talk about money. Oh, you want your own bank account and you want me to have my own bank account, and my money's my money and your money's your money. Oh, and then who pays the bills and, and all that stuff, you know. Oh, thank God I don't have that, that issue with my wife. We're both very generous with each other. We don't have a separation of like that. But, you know, usually as, as a man, if you're coming into the family, then remember this chapter's on stepdads, the stepdad gap, how to close it. One of the ways you close it is by being a responsible provider. You take it on that responsibility and giving your, your wife and your children a sense of security. You're gonna take care of it. You're going to work hard, you're going to pay the price, you're going to do whatever you got to do to, you know, make ends meet. All right, closing the gap. And third or fourth, a family reconciler and peacemaker. This role demands significant emotional maturity, especially when conflict conflicts arise, which could be between the kids, could be between your own kids, or your, your kids and their, her kids, or could be between, uh, you and one of the, her kids, you and one of your kids, or you and her. I mean, there's all kinds of ways for, you know, I, I have a chapter on here, in here, about the triangle, uh, Uh, let's see if I find it in here. I think I passed it. But anyway, about how triangles in families work and how not to get triangulated and how to, how to work that situation, because it's so easy for your kids to pit you against your stepdad or your stepmom, you know, or your step siblings. I mean, there's all these situations. What I'm saying here is part of your role as a stepdad to close the stepdad gap Is to be the one who's a reconciler and a peacemaker. This role demands significant emotional maturity, especially when conflicts arise, whether the tension is between step-siblings, between the mother and her children, or even between you and your stepchildren. Navigating these dynamics requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to fostering harmony. So, I mean, you know, I don't— I'm not— I don't mean— I'm not trying to go into every scenario, there's too many, but you get the point. Who's going to make the peace? Because here's what happens. See, families— and again, we're talking about stepfamilies, so blending families, stepfamilies— from the gate, you're having, you're having problems. The only one way you avoid that, could possibly avoid that, is if you get involved with somebody whose child is very small, a baby. But you got to remember there's another parent, so that could— and in-laws. So even in the case of you're coming into the family with an infant, or like in my case with a 2-year-old, there could be other issues with other, the other parents and the other in-laws and things like that. So again, all of that's in the book, but my role in that way of being a peacemaker, of being a provider, of, of, of understanding my role as a disciplinarian and my position of authority— see, all of that takes emotional maturity. It takes an ability to be self-aware so I can self-manage myself, so I can recognize when I'm being part of the problem. And part of reconciling a broken relationship, if it's you and somebody, your stepson or something, it's up to us to initiate that reconciliation, that conversation. It's not about being right. Who's right? Well, I'm right, so therefore he needs to come over here. It's not about that. It's about the relationship. And it's understanding things like that and reading through the material of how do you do these things that's going to help you close the stepdad gap. And that's only one chapter in that book. So I want to thank you for listening. You're listening to Richard R Ramos, The Parent Whisperer Podcast. Uh, I want to thank you, all of you who have subscribed. If you're new listening to this, uh, podcast, I would really appreciate it if you would be willing to subscribe, like the video, and leave a review. And more importantly than that, share this episode with any friends or family, stepparents, stepdads that you know and you feel that this would really be, uh, a help to them. So, uh, again, Richard R Ramos dot com. You can find the book The Art of Step Parenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. You can find it on my website along with other free resources. And, uh, you can go to Amazon and you could find the book there. So once again, I want to thank you all for listening. Uh, I really appreciate it. Please leave a review, send me any questions that you might have, and always remember, Mom and Dad, that Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents or bad stepparents. It's for good parents and good stepparents who just wanna get better. Thanks for listening. All right.